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This is my first time doing a journal about my loss. It's been almost two years now and I honestly thought by now I would have been over it but I guess I was wrong. I found out I was pregnant on July 17, 2006 and I was pretty shocked but at the same time I was happy. I had been bleeding for one full month in June and I really thought something was wrong with me...but all along my friends and family members told me I was probably pregnant. I thought that I couldn't be pregnant because I was bleeding. I was surprised about how fast I turned myself into "mommy-mode" and became so protective of my belly and my baby. I went to the doctor the next day to see how far along I was and to make sure everything was okay...and it was. I found out I was 7 weeks along but I was still bleeding and it terrified me. But the doctors said everything was okay. At 9 1/2 weeks I lost my baby and I really didn't expect to feel the way I did. I cried so much for weeks. Then as months went by I wasn't crying so much anymore. In March of 2007 it was really hard for me because my baby's due date was March 31st and that whole month that's all I thought about. I have a sonogram picture of my baby that was taken during my first doctor visit and I kept it in my wallet for a whole year. I took it out August 9, 2007 and decided to put it in a scrapbook that I made for my boyfriend and I so that no matter what our baby would be around for us to see whenever we want. Lately, I've been in this baby mood where I keep having dreams about having a baby and wanting another baby. I know I'm not ready right now because I want to finish college and get married before I have a child. But I am preparing myself for when and if that time comes...I'm eating healthier, I've quit drinking alcohol, and I'm managing money. I don't know why but I just feel like somehow it was my fault that I lost my baby...since I didn't realize I was pregnant for 7 weeks...so I'm making sure that I'm healthy and hopefully the next time I get pregnant I will carry him/her till the end.
Last night I had a little breakdown. A couple of friends of mine were over and we were talking about kids and one of them informed me that someone she works with just had a miscarriage...and when they left I went in my bathroom and before I knew it I was crying. My boyfriend came in to ask me was I okay and all I could say was I just want my baby...I just want our baby...he didn't know what to say and for once he didn't say a word...he just sat next to me and let me have my moment. Sometimes I think that's all I need...is to be held and allowed to cry. I hoping that having this journal will also help me out.