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I been having this awfull depressed feeling the last 3 days or so. Not the kind where you feel like comitting suicide. But the feeling your unsure of yourself. What your place in this world is. Where do I belong. I been having some bad days at work. Got written up for one of them. Wasn't trying to get written up. But I got really stressed out one day where I couldn't handle things. I thought all would be fine but it went lousy. Then I think I did something Thursday at work but not sure if I really did the something wrong or not. Well about 9pm I'm laying on the bed watching tv. And a light bulb turned on. Did I forget to do something at work. My mind wanders sometimes. I remember turning on the water to fill up the steam table wells. It takes about 5 or so minutes for the water to filter through fill up 4 wells. I figured I'd push the cart of left overs from supper to the fridge. Put them on the shelf. Come back. 5 minutes will have passed. But something else popped in my head. So I don't remember if I went back and turned the water off. Well with enough staff working. I hoped someone seen it running and shut it off. It was about 9pm when I realized what I might of done. Well of course no one was there to call about it. I'll find out this morning if I did what I thought I did. Was off Friday. Well they never call people at home to say they screwed up. They wait till you come to work next. So now I'm scared I did something that I had not planned to do on purpose. But someone will think I did it to get even for being written up. No it was not that. I accepted the write up for my mistake that happened Wednesday. Taking full responsibility for my actions. Did not yell at anyone about it. Stayed calm while I was handed the write up. But how do I confront something I am not sure I did.
I'm trying to do my best to make this job work. I gotta make it work. It's the only thing where I get insurance. But some parts of my job are to overwhelming. I'm learning to get along with the coworkers who aren't always as nice. Most of them are ok. I am learning the rules of cooking for health care. The dietary needs of elderly and disabled. Something I never learned in a classroom. My mind can't handle it all. I know I need to step back and say. I need help this is to much. But in the same others then think oh your to lazy. You just don't want to work. I am not afraid of good hard work. I think I do my fair share and then some. The more busy I keep myself the faster the day goes by. Even at home I feel overwhelmed with responsibilities. I mentioned we need 2 people dishing up plates at supper time and on busy lunches we need 2 working the line putting up orders. Many suppers if I run out of something. I don't have anyone to yell back to. Hey can you please get me more of this or that. And they go heat up more of the something. If all the dining room servers want their meals at once. It takes to long for one cook to dish up their plates. Then I got people yelling they waited to long. I'd be happy if it's just a dining room aid or someone hired as a prep cook kitchen helper to help dish up plates. That person wouldn't have to know a lot of cooking skills. Just be a help to the cook on duty dishing up dinner or lunch. It would be a good position for a retired or semi retired person. Have them work M-F 4-7:30 helping the cook plate up food and clean up afterwards. Or M-S 11-2pm helping with lunch and lunch clean up. But the company will not hire anyone for a postion like that. They feel we have enough staff. Lunches sometimes are even worse overwhelming. As they have quite a large coffee shop lunch menu. To many items to pick from. Naturally the other day a bunch wanted putzy egg items to eat. The omolettes and fried egg orders I had to do besides all the sandwiches and burgers ordered. I feel bad for any of the cooks who work the line alone. It can be rough at times.
They have a free counseling service for work. You can talk to someone about work, family or other issues for free. But am not sure how to begin talking about my feelings on things. What sort of help will I get. I can't afford to loose this job after only several months. I keep looking at the job ads in our local paper. They have a online version of it. Most the jobs you can apply to online. I am registered for that. Am suppose to call some guy back for a hospital cook position. Well I talked to him once. He wants to meet with me. But said call him when I get next weeks work schedule. Then we can talk on my off day. I don't like changing jobs all the time. I tried talking to dh about this. He keeps saying. I got it good where I'm at. Don't think of quitting. I wasn't thinking quitting yet. Not unless I get a better offer. Dh thinks I just gotta deal with this and not loose the bennies they offer if I loose the job. He doesn't understand how I feel. A lot of this is what is making me feel depressed. I'm tired all the time. Even if I get enough sleep. I don't know if it would the right thing to ask for a private meeting with my supervisor to discuss my issues. Or will she think because I'm to overwhelmed at times. She might fire me. So many thoughts running through my head. Last night I layed in bed crying quietly to myself. I'm just so upset with myself now. All I do lately is pray that things get better for myself. Hoping God will answer my prayers. As financially we can't afford for me to be without a job or the insurance.
((((HUGS)))). Honestly I think you need to talk to someone (a therapist or counsler) or change jobs. I have never heard you say anything good about your job. I rarely hear you say anything about you being happy. The last time I heard something happy is when you got your digital (BTW we still havent seen any pics ). You deserve to be happy and to take the steps to get yourself there. (((HUGS)))
(((Hugs))) I agree with Jennifer. It really does sound like a change of job is in order. You're very obviously not happy with it and I think you need to look for another one. All this stress isn't good for you, I'm sure you don't want to look in the mirror and start seeing all these horrible little worry lines on your face. Not to mention what the stress from this job is possibly doing to your blood pressure and it's most certainly not good for your peace of mind. But, it's up to you to do what you feel is right.
__________________ Kimberly, Mommy to Kailani Jade born May 14, 2005 and Ava Elizabeth born February 15, 2007.
I think you should find someone to talk to and a job that is not so stressful. I know it is hard sometimes to talk to someone when you are not sure how you really feel or know how to put words to it. There are so many jobs out there that offer benefits. You have the right to feel happy and to have a job that you enjoy. You need to do whatever it takes to feel happy again!
I sort of talked with the supervisor a bit today at work. Told her I feel overwhelmed during the busy times. That I don't want people to think it's I'm lazy or mental or something. That I'm only human. I can only go so fast. So she says. Well then just step back a couple minutes. Take a breather. The maybe you'll mentally be able to think better about what your doing. Well I been writing notes for myself at work. Reminders where I can see them to not forget things. It helps some of the time. As for some parts of the my job. I was told today. The company does not see it in the budget to get the cook an assistant to help serve dinner or lunch. But the supervisor said when she is on duty. She'd help us cooks out serving best she can. So I see it as better than nothing. Today went great. My new partner of a few weeks Menia. She is good and a fast worker. She's not lazy. We get along great. I did say at some other time I'd like a long talk about things. Maybe there are things that can make my life on the job better. I wanted to mention the schedule. It upset me. Oh I am ok with the amount of hours. But they keep rotating my shifts. T-Th. I work 11-7:30pm. Then Friday 6-2:30pm. The week after I got a couple days of early shift the rest late shift. But the 3rd week down the road it's every other day I rotate between early and late. Well on days this older guy Jim is off. I get the morning shifts. Somethings are supposedly in the process of being solved. Well the girl who is suppose to get the count for each menu item for assisted living(cbrf) M-F. She don't. Says she ain't got time. You ain't getting it. All the other CBRF staff have time. The supervisor is working on solving that issue to mine and us other cooks likings. It's just when I try talking about issues I have. No one wants to listen. They listen so far and let it out the other ear. I'm sure I'll find my place some time in the future. Maybe where I'm at will work out better soon. I can see when they asked me in my interview for this job. Can I work with a diverse group of people. It was not only minorities. I see it more and more diverse meaning people with different ideas and attitudes about working. Where certain things I never dreamed of as appropriate on the job. When some think those things are. Where they don't have that respect for the bosses like I grew up learning to do.