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This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.
And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for
an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in
mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy
drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also
make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet
because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy,
in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have
no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are
CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything,
because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the
people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also
INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the
street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you
and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning
stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several
hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all.
You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first
thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER
than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID
to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the
door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now
missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it
but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might
have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket
could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty
dollar note by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that
you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only
one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem
plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel
liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse,
they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that
you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe
them and too UGLY to hide.
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