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I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan.
I'm checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better place when we get old and feeble. I've checked and a reservation at the Holiday Inn for a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount is $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, and a lounge. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day will have
the entire staff scrambling.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick up if you fake a decent limp and the church is bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes and the Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever
-- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need
changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and
apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can
invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about
unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room --your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan.
I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of me checking in for
a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. I could have easily knocked
them down to $40 a night!
"So, when I reach the golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all my mail, to the Holiday Inn!"