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Future MIL


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  #1  
April 1st, 2008, 07:42 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 58
I am new here. I usually stick to the children's health boards or some homeschooling stuff, but I do troll on here and marvel at some of the crazy in laws I have read about. Never thought I would be on here myself... This is about my future MIL.

So I am engaged to probably the most amazing guy. We live together, renting one of the houses that his mother owns. When the renters of the bigger house moved out she offered it to us to move in (I have kids from a previous marriage and we needed the space). We agreed that yes we liked the house, but since the washer, dryer, and fridge in our current house had to stay we couldn't move in unless she was willing to put those in or we would just stay where we were at. She agrees to find the appliances needed and wanted us to move in by the end of March. So we start packing and moving things but we couldn't move fully in until we had at least a fridge. Then my daughter is sick for like a week, in the hospital part of that time (she is all better now) and his mom starts to get on his case about moving. He explains we can't move all the way until a fridge is there and she says oh don't worry, no problem. Daughter gets better, back to moving things. This went on for two weeks while we waited for the appliances. Meanwhile his mom is getting more and more irritable about this whole thing. Then fiance's dad gets sick, real sick, they weren't sure if he was going to make it (his parents are divorced) but we really couldn't afford to make the tri[p to see him between paycuts and lack of hours at my job and paying for all the moving. His mom berates him, telling him he has to go and we explain that if we do we could only pay half og the rent, using the other half to make the trip. She tells him fine, no problem, go see your dad. So this last weekend we rushed out to San Diego for all of 24 hours to make sure he was going to recover then to rush right back to move the rest of our stuff into a house with no major appliances still. Monday comes around just days after she says it;s ok harping on him about rent. He reminded her of the conversation about only paying half and that we would pay her the rest of it next month if it was such a big deal. So then tells him, well doesn't your fiance parents have money, can't they give it to her so you can pay me rent? I may be wrong but where does she get off saying that. My parents have helped me out loads when I needed it and never harrassed me after the fact, they also have 7 of us kids that at anytime may need help. To clarify, she is not desperate for money, in fact is better off than my own parents and we are talking about only 500 bucks. Today she called my fiance up yet again complaining about the getting appliances for the house which finally got delivered today. We reminded that we didn't have to mmove in here, that we needed certain things if we did, otherwise we would have stayed at the other house, but it was always no problem, love to help until after the fact. Mental note never accept her help again, it just turns into a nightmare.
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  #2  
April 1st, 2008, 07:57 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,541
Welcome! I'm Stephanne, one of the co-hosts of this board. I hope you come back often.

Yikes! I would be looking for somewhere else to rent not owned by her! Good luck!
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  #3  
April 1st, 2008, 11:56 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 58
Thanks for the welcome. I agree. I told my fiance, as soon as we are able we need to move to a place that is not owned by her because it is just going to cause friction with her stressing him out so much. And it hasn't been just the money stuff. She has been nitpicking him about everything. He has a pool table that he has had since before me that she is now harping on him about, saying things like well since you aren't a bachlor anymore you need to get rid of it. Nevermind that I play pool more than he does and it's something that we enjoy. Or he has a 69 mustang that he is restoring (been put on hold for awhile since the money crunch) that she thinks is a waste of space. The list goes on and on with her about things he has or does that she doesn't approve of. What is really bugging her though is me. Don't get me wrong, she thinks I'm great, that I treat her son well (much better than his previous g/f or ex-fiance) but I'm not really the girl she would want her son to marry. Why you ask, well let me tell you why, I was married before and I have kids from that marriage, not one or two but four kids. He has never been married has no kids and here he is taking on four kids as if they were his own. You would think a mother would be proud but she just calls him to bug him about taking care of four kids while I am at work (he works early I work late) and if he really should/could be doing this. He is seriously amazing with the kids, and has been a better dad than their real father ever has been. She rubs it in that hey no more parties, fun, and if he really is responsible for taking care of any kids. The guy is 27 has a great job, is responsible and yet still knows how to have fun (when the kids are with their dad). He has been so patient with my son who has some anger issues (stemming from lack of relationship with his real dad) and my son has really turned around. He is a poster child for how much an influence a father figure really does make. What is funny she wasn't nearly this bad until after he proposed and now everything has gone downhill. Before she was really pleasant even bought my kids christmas presensts and invinted me and all the kids over for christmas dinner, was trying to get my two little girls to call her Ni Ni (tagalog, they are Fillipino) which is what her grandkids call her. Maybe it's just menopause and she is just temporarily crazy. I hope anyway.
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  #4  
April 2nd, 2008, 07:55 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,976
Hi, I'm lurking here, but just wanted to throw in my 2 cents....before I married my DH who was tied to his family financially (and still is somewhat), I flat out asked him that if it was them or me, I needed to know that he would choose me everytime. But I also told him that I would try to NEVER put him in a situation where he had to make that choice, but that if it came down to it and meant that our family (him, myself and future kids) was going to suffer, that I needed to know that his loyalties would lie with me and our kids. He has proven again and again by his actions and his words to his parents that I'm now #1 priority person in his life and there is no doubt in my mind that he'll do whatever it takes to take care of me. Thankfully too, in the 6 years of marriage, it has never come down to the me or them issue and I hope that it never will. But he has had to make some financial decisions that have been difficult and have involved them and us and we've tried to find the most favorable outcome for everyone.

anyways, sorry for the rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that your fiance sounds like he's willing to put you and your kids before his mother and that's really the way it should be! (IMHO) but as far as the nitpicking from his mother, my DH still gets that all the time, he's the middle child and still always gets the short end of the stick from his parents who are always telling him what he "should" do and what he shouldn't do. He just turned 35 but hearing them tell him that he should wear his coat because it's cold outside would make you think that he just turned 8.

Um...sorry, rambling again. I would definitely learn from the situation with the house and never accept help from her again...because it really looks like there are too many strings attached.

Also, (last ramble, I swear!) the thing that I've found that has kept DH and I so strong is to remain united and to communicate with each other before talking with his parents. (i.e. pool table) we'd discuss it and then we would tell his parents that WE'VE decided x, y, or z. (but it is always better coming from him if it's his parents).

again, sorry for such a disjointed post, I'm exhausted and then just had a cup of coffee...so my fingers are working fast than my brain right now! Good luck, it sounds like you have a great guy there!
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  #5  
April 2nd, 2008, 04:46 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Oh he definitely is like your DH, it is me and the kids first. After all I was theone he chose to spend the rest of his life with not his mom. He is the baby of the family in his case but she does treat all his siblings the same way. He did have a talk with her today and explained hoe her behaviour was driving us bonkers and was offending. He took just as much offense to the comment about my parents as I did and flat out told her that was about the most tasteless thing he has ever heard her say. He promised her that yes we will make sure to get her all her money but that she did need to back off and honor her word about committing to helping us. I was so proud ! Ah, it's moments like these that remind me why I love him so much.
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  #6  
April 3rd, 2008, 06:31 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,976
Quote:
Oh he definitely is like your DH, it is me and the kids first. After all I was theone he chose to spend the rest of his life with not his mom. He is the baby of the family in his case but she does treat all his siblings the same way. He did have a talk with her today and explained hoe her behaviour was driving us bonkers and was offending. He took just as much offense to the comment about my parents as I did and flat out told her that was about the most tasteless thing he has ever heard her say. He promised her that yes we will make sure to get her all her money but that she did need to back off and honor her word about committing to helping us. I was so proud ! Ah, it's moments like these that remind me why I love him so much.[/b]

That's awesome to hear that he stuck up for himself and for you! This will go a LONG way in helping you deal with her in the future, just knowing you're not alone in this is HUGE!!
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