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I'm new here, and wanted to just start off by saying hi to all you ladies. And I hope that you don't mind if I just jump right in.
Well I really don't know where to start, but I am glad that I found this board because, well my future MIL is a nutcase. (i swear she's bipolar) First off me and DF live with her because we do not have the funds to move out as he is just starting a business and I am finishing up my paramedic certification. We have been planning our wedding since oct of last year. When we told her that we were planning on getting married she was ecstatic, now she wants to run the show. We have gotten down to the last little bit, well the big stuff. We asked her for a little bit of help back in dec. and she said that alls she could afford was $500, which was fine, we just needed a little extra to help us out. Then in Jan. when we started discussing the food with her, she said that she couldn't give 300 people a 3 course meal (we are having a picnic type buffet because that is the only thing that works with our budget and she knows this) I said that's not what we want, we just want some meat and cheese and buns, a few cold salads, and a small variety of hot foods, nothing major. Basically the way she put her answer to that is that all she can afford is maybe one or two meat and cheese trays and a couple packages of buns!!! Fine whatever, I really didn't expect her help on this anyways but it was worth a shot.
A couple days later she was in a good mood and offered to give us $750 instead of the original $500. What she said after that however really made me want to scream. She looks at me and says "well I know that your parents are poor and can't afford to help" No it is not that my parents are poor, however my parents are divorced and my mom had very spaced out kids, me being the oldest (I'm 19 almost 20). My sister is 10 and my brother is 2, she does not work, and my step-dad only works one job and has 4 mouths to feed. My dad had just lost his job, and my step mom was working 2 jobs to pick up their slack. So everyone was pretty strapped right then. I just bit my tongue and kind of gave her the look. After that she started saying how she didn't understand why we couldn't just have a wedding like DF's cousin, because theirs was only $1000 for the whole thing and that we should do like them and buy everything off of Ebay. Well too late for that, because I already bought some stuff off of there.
So anyways fast forward to this month. DF asks his mom for the money for his tux because she agreed back in Jan to pay for it. Well she gives it to him no problem. Then 2 days later her and DF's step dad go gambling and she loses all the money that she took with her. He asked her for $10 for gas and she says she doesn't have any money because she had to pay for his tux which was an unexpected expense. wth??! Now this evening we were talking about flowers, well DF's father passed away in 2004, and he wanted a memorial vase at the wedding for him. I understand and agree, him and I had talked about the flowers that were going to be in it and we decided on Calla Lillies and glads. He told her that tonight and she starts right in about how everyone is going to be looking at us, and not at the vase, and that nobody is going to care if there were callas or babys breath in the vase. Well she is right, but that's not the point. And she is still going on about "why can't you just go to the thrift store and buy your arrangements, blah blah blah" my reply? Well Debra, my mom used to own a flower shop and is going to do the flowers, I just have to buy them.
While I'm on this rant, and I'm sorry that it is sooo long, but....
When we are gone and she gets home, she calls to see where we are, what we are doing, and when we will be home. HELLO!! We aren't children!
Any advice, words of wisdom, or just some laughs would be greatly appreciated, because I am sooo stressed out from all of this bs with her. I could write a novel on her if I really wanted to, but that is the end of my rant for now. I'm sure there will be more.
Well, to be honest, as long as you live with her and are asking her for money, she is going to treat you like children and expect that she has the right to do so. That's just the way it will be.
When DH and I got married, this is exactly why we didn't ask ANYBODY for financial help and we ended up with a few thousand in credit card bills. For a wedding present however, both our sets of parents did give us a fairly large cash gift (which was unexpected and we put those towards our cc bills). But the nice thing about it was that since they weren't contributing money througout the process, we also didn't have to listen to their advice and had the freedom to do the things the way that we wanted to.
As for living with her, my DH and I lived with his parents last year to help save money for a house. At the time, DH was 34 and I was 29...and although they weren't as bad as yours was, it might help if you go out, to just leave her a quick note letting her know you are out and when you expect to be back. I know that when DH's parents went out, it was nice to know when they might be back so that DH and I would have some idea of how much time we would have "alone" in the house....enough time to watch a movie, or enjoy a quiet meal together, etc. So it might be more of her knowing and being able to plan accordingly than her necessarily checking up on you guys. If after you leave a note and she still calls to check on you, then you need to have your fiance set some boundaries (i.e. we were courteous and left a note letting you know when to expect us back, so we'll see you then) You don't have to let her know what you're doing 24/7 though. If she keeps it up, just let her know that you went out to the local hotel to have sex and you'll be back after you both are thorougly satisfied.
Living with the in-laws is rough, but through the year that we lived there, we did have some enjoyable times, we usually ate our meals separate, but occasionally would "invite" them for dinner and vice versa. I think one key thing to remember though is that if you don't want to be treated like children, don't treat them like parents; treat them more like roommates...(i.e. fiance asking for $10 for gas...would he feel as comfortable doing that with a roomie?) This might ease some pressure...
yeah unfortunately.. as long as she is contributing money to wedding or your lives.. you are just going to be children in her eyes. -sigh- it's a parent thing. I'm right there with you.. I'm only 21 and my husband is 25 (he's working on paramedic, too) so I know what it's like to try to finish school and work and everything inbetween. Lotsa fun.
Good luck. Living with someone is never easy.. especially when she's his mom.. and therefore used to mothering him.
Anyway.. welcome! I'm Jackie (21.. as previously mentioned) and I have Libby.. my 5 month old daughter. I got married at 19, too (though by what you wrote sounds like you might be 20 when you get married). Hope things go more smoothly for you from here on out.
I went through some similar issues with not only my mother in law, but my mother too. My dad paid for the wedding because that was his gift to us. He is a very traditional man and believes that is the father's job and when I tried to argue I got the "look"... I think everyone knows that look! LOL Well, about 2 months after we got engaged, I was 19 and DH was 20, my mil gets it in her mind that I'm not good enough for her baby. She kicked me out of the house, no kidding, while DH was taking a shower and told me to go home. During the time between DH getting out of the shower and coming to my parents house to see if I was ok, his mother told him that a woman from my church (the church I've grown up in and pretty much my entire family attends) told her that I was manipulative, lazy, and not good enough for her son. This went on and on up until about a month before our wedding. My mother took over all the planning, which in a way made it easier on me, but nothing turned out the way I wanted. My flowers weren't the ones I picked out, she arranged for the woman to fix my hair (it wasn't going to be done the way I wanted, I quickly changed that), and all kinds of other things that I thought I had planned out already were changed at the last minute.
Ok, so now that I've rambled on about nonsense, I did want to tell you this. Just give her time, but don't let her push you around. Make her realize that you love her son and that you want to be a part of this family. Eventually she will realize that you make her son happy and will think the world of you! My mother in law and I still have our moments, but we're becoming good friends. She even invited me to a mother daughter banquet at church, she only has sons. So just give it time, I swear the wedding planning is the worst, and the day of goes by to fast to enjoy it. That's just being honest! Hope everything works out for the best! God Bless.
Hi and welcome to the ILs board! I hope you come back often. I'm Stephanne and I co-host this board along with Jax.
Parents are always going to treat you like their child. I'm 27 and have been married 7 years and it still happens occasionally. It does get better though. The longer you are out on your own the better it gets. The more you can do on your own the better. Good luck! I hope your wedding is everything you want it to be and that your MIL behaves!