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Hi ladies. I'm new here. The forums I post the most in are really more for our kids and parenting. Of course they try to be supportive but sooner or later they'll just get tired of it because they just want to talk about our kids and parenting!
I feel really hurt. I think I need a place to figure out my feelings. If you'd like to understand why, posts 1, 10 and 13 will help explain ~ here on this thread. I know that I'm taking this way to personal but I think it's normal for all daughter in laws to want a positive relationship with their MIL's and that's just not always possible. I'm a firm believer in taking personal responsiblity. I want to grow from this in a positive way. I want to learn how to carry myself with integrity within (what currently feels like) this one-sided relationship. I don't want her to have any control over me. I'm allowing that and I know it. I need to learn how to let her comments and lies go. I hope this is the right place for it. I'm going to work hard at letting go of my ego and not hurting the relationship between dh and I in the process.
Hi and welcome! I'm Stephanne, the co-host of this board. You are absolutely in the right place. I read your other posts. I'm so sorry that your relationship with your MIL is difficult. You have a very admirable attitude toward it, and I think it's wonderful that you are trying really hard to mend your relationship and that you are evaluating your role in it and your family as a whole. Hugs sweetie! You can talk about anything here. You can vent, ask for feedback, just get your thoughts together. We are here to listen, commiserate, and help if we can.
^ Thank you for the warm welcome. I really appreicate it.
An update: I called her. I really do want to have a relationship with her, even if it's just friends. I told her that we likely have misunderstandings and that I *think* that's what happened here with her believing I give the dogs baby poop to eat. I said I don't allow the dogs to eat poop. I said *I think* the misunderstanding was that sometimes the dogs get into the garbage that has baby poop wipes and they get into trouble for it. I don't let them eat it. If it happens it's by accident, not on purpose. She said it should never happen. I said I'm human and work hard to prevent it but because I'm human sometimes I forget to close the door. Again she said that should never happen. I said I'm only human and will make mistakes. I compared it to vehicle breakdowns. A person does the tune-up's, changes and checks the oil but sometimes vehicles still break down. She was (understandably) defensive throughout the conversation. (I truly think no one likes being told something they did hurt someone else.) She tried to downplay the situation as well as my feelings from time to time but I don't think I would have reacted any differently. She did try to tell me how I feel and what it's like to be me, which I didn't appreicate because she really doesn't know me even though she thinks she does. She told me that I get defensive and gave an example of something I don't remember doing or saying. I told her that is why I'm talking about what she yesterday to my dh today, so that it's fresh and doesn't fester. She downplayed my feelings and said something to the effect that it's not something I would hold onto for five years but I said in a friendship that people are honest with each other and tell the other person when feelings get hurt so it doesn't get held for years. She then tried to downplay the situation and said that when she is with her sister and her sister's cat kills a rodent and brings it back, that's gross and they both get equally grossed out by it. She said that her sister doesn't get all upset about it. (downplaying my emotions.) I said that when that happens, you and your sister are together and share that together. She didn't hear about it through another person, like I did through DH. She said that it's not a big deal anymore. (No, she did not apologize for it, what happened up on the mountain, anything in the past or ever.) I'm ok with it because I got to say my peace. I'm hoping this will be the end of it. I'm hoping we started to understand each other here.
I do feel better but I can see dh is still really mad at her. (She said other things to him that I did not bring up because I just wanted to clear up this one point.) To him, she was cutting his wife, the mother of his child and (frankly) not trying to build the relationship. I don't know what to do about that though. All I can do is work on the (scrap) of a relationship her and I have and I can only control me in this. I do hate to see him in any pain but we both know she has hurt everyone her entire life... He still can't talk to her about many things.
Thanks for letting me vent about it here. It really does help talking about it.
It's really great that you are willing to call and work on it rather than just hold it in. I also think that it's great that your DH supports you so much. You are very lucky! I really hope that your MIL comes around and sees what a wonderful DIL she has in you because you want a good relationship with her, and starts to do her part to work on it too. Hugs!
That was unbelieveable mature of you to tell her face to face that that hurt your feelings and she needs to know what is going on. Don't just let it slide. Never let it just slide because if the hurtful comments start to slide, then they will keep coming. It is also great that your husband is on your side. I think you are on a great track to better communication
OMG Take it from somebody who did it...DON"T mail the letter I wrote a nice long letter to MIL hashing everything out, getting down to the bottom of everything. I let my husband read it, because he was interested and he said "mail it to her"......So I did....boy was that a mistake! So I get this letter back in the mail from MIL and FIL....hateful hateful hateful...had me in tears...still to this day when I think about it it makes my blood boil. "You can't change people", "I am not like that" "I don't do this and I dont' do that" etc etc etc.....I immediately called my husband and said that's it...I'm done....Then I told MIL and FIL off. Told them they would not be getting any more pictures of my son from me and if they got them it would be from my husband. I told them I wasn't trying to change anyone...I was trying to hash things out and get to the bottom of why there is this uncalled for tension between me and MIL....(all boils down to the fact that she can't control me and how I raise/take care of my son)....we did eventually get some things straightened out but things are not great and they never will be and now I don't expect/need/want them to be. I honestly just do what I have to do because of my husband. If it were up to me I would never see her but I'll be dang if she's going to see my son w/o me until he's a lot older. She has even made comments that her son ruined his life when he married me and got me pregnant...she said the same thing about her other son. She doesn't get along with any of the three DIL. She doesn't try. She's rude, hateful, controlling, I could go on and on and on here. When my son was 4 months old he had an ear infection and she made the comment, "well he has an ear infection and he shouldn't have that either so what difference does it make if he gets pink eye".......TICKED ME OFF but worse it totally crushed me. In the 2 1/2 years I've been married to my husband she has really said some good ones.....Most of the time I don't know how to handle it.........most of the time I take it out on my husband I may start posting some more here.....it's a good board.....and it is great to have a sounding board!
That's why I love this board. but I'm always afraid to say something mean about my MIL. I once wrote on my MYSPACE that my DF's little brother was a 'dork' and she found me on myspace and told me off and uninvited me to the house for a long time! I doubt she'll learn about this site though so I'm a little more at ease.
NEVER SEND THE LETTER. It would never come out good, besides people might forgive but they won't forget and anytime they need an excuse to be mad at you. They have a hardcopy of you saying things they don't want to hear.
I seen MIL face to face this weekend and it wasn't that bad despite the rocky week we had. I believe in accepting people for who they are. I don't want to be petty because I think there is too much at stake. I really think hurt people, hurt people. I think my MIL is a hurt soul... I have more I'd love to say about that but I think I need to re-direct my energy and find her positive strengths to build on it. I have new inspiration to start a journal so I think my JM time might be hurt but I think it's best for me and family in the long run.
Thank you for all your help and being here when I was hurt most. I hope you all lots of strength, courage, love and peace with your inlaws too.