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  #1  
August 18th, 2008, 07:16 AM
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I am not ever sure if this would be the right forum for this but it is about my in-laws and any advise would be wonderful.

When DH and I got together he already had a daughter and I had 2 sons. DH had his daughter 90 percent of the time and about 45% of that she was with her grandparents because he worked. My MIL and FIL loved me at first and treated me great. But the more involved I became with DSD, my MIL seemed to not like me as much. Eventually DH and I moved in together and had our first son. We had a very stable home and I kept his daughter while he worked rather than her going to grandparents all the time. DH and I saw this as a normal family. My MIL has told me that I took her granddaughter away from her........

OK so 6 years later. DH and I have 2 children together now and my MIL seems to act as though she likes me but it is obvious it is fake. I am so tired of trying to be accepted and loved by this family. My FIL used to have a terrific relationship but my MIL didn't like that so he is not allowed to talk to me anymore, at least not in depth conversation. We were all at dinner together a couple of weeks ago and FIL and I were talking about something and he said "We think so much alike" My MIL dropped her fork on her plate and gave him a go to hell look and he didn't talk to me through the rest of the meal.

She treats the children very, very different. And not just my two children from my first marriage but her own biological grandchildren. She always thinks that DSD is sad and needs to be with her to be happy which is not true at all. She will sit and watch DSD play and cry because she misses her so much. She is really kind of obsessed with this child. It is really getting old. When at the children's bday parties, she only watches DSD open her gifts when the other kids have a party she stands off to the side and doesn't watch them. This drives me insane. Also, no matter how hard I work and how great the party is that I throw for DSD it is never good enough.

I am exhausted by all of this and it is not getting better at all. I am so ready to tell DH that we either have some major distance from them or I am going to have leave him. Which is the very last thing that I want to do. I love my DH so very much but I am tired of my kids being treated so unfairly. They are all terrific kids and are worthy of their grandmother's love. Lately, I feel that she is not worthy of theirs but they all want her attention so badly.

TIA
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  #2  
August 18th, 2008, 12:58 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hugs sweetie! You are definately in the right place. I'm Stephanne the co-host of this forum. Welcome!

I have heard this one a lot, treating grandchildren differently and being obsessed with one or more of the grandchildren. First, I guess I wonder how DH deals with this. Are you on the same page? That's an important one. Assuming he isn't, it makes it that much harder. My DH doesn't see his mom's flaws and when he does will hardly admit it so it makes things really hard. Someone and it really should be DH really needs to address the issue with her. But that may not change anything. And really, there isn't a whole lot you can do except try to sheild them from it as much as possible. Moving a great distance away would be nice. My son, my MIL's only grandchild actually plays second fiddle to her niece, DH's cousin. The fact that we live so far away helps and I will do everything I can to make my son unaware how much she goes to visit them in MD, more than to visit us, and that she takes her to Disney and such, which she has never once asked to do with him. I realize that she's got to be the one to change and she's the one who's missing out on being grandma to a wonderful little boy. My mom more than makes up for her but I wish that he had great grandparents on both sides. He will realize it when he's older, he will see her for who she is, and she will have to deal with the consequences. Currently, there are great consequences for her actions, I don't trust her alone with my child for other reasons too but when I have this next baby I would never even consider leaving Samuel with my ILs while we're at the hospital. He doesn't know them well enough for them to be the same level of comfort my mom will be during this big change in his life and she doesn't have any clue what his bedtime routine is, what his favorite foods are or what he won't eat, what his favorite toys, movies, tv shows are, or even a reasonable ability to interpret some of the things he says. She doesn't want a relationship, fine, but there are inevitable consequences. Good luck with this one! I hope that you come back often, share some more, and feel free to vent anytime.
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  #3  
August 18th, 2008, 01:47 PM
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DH and I for the most part are on the same page. Things irritate me more than him but it's his mom so he has a little more patience I guess. He has sat down and nicely discussed this with her, we all went to counseling, she and him have had a yelling screaming fights, and she and I have had a couple of 2-3 hour phone conversations about the differences that she makes. None of this has changed a thing. I would do anything to move and later than might be an option but right now we have to stay close because of our children from other marriages.

However, DSD is moving an hour away with her mom and my MIL is already talking about driving there once a week to take DSD out to lunch. However, she lives in the same town that the other kids go to school and has never EVER gone to have lunch with them.

I agree it is her problem and she is the one missing out on some really terrific kids!

That really sucks that your MIL chooses a niece over her grandchild. I just absolutely do not understand this. It makes no sense for a grandparent to shut out certain grandkids (or in your case grandkid). It is really very sad
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  #4  
August 21st, 2008, 06:55 AM
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That's awful! There is not much you can do. I mean, you tried talking to her and everything. I can only suggest keeping your distance. How does DSD feel about her Grandma? Does she miss her all the time? or is she completely happy with short visits?

My MIL sees my SIL's kids a lot more than my little girl. That makes all the difference in the world. Since she raised my SIL's two kids she wants to be around them more and baby's them alot more than she does Brookelynn.

I know talking to your MIL has been tried but maybe point out that all the fussing is great and that you understand all the time that your MIL has spent with her, but she would get to love all the other children too if she would just spend a few more hours with them.
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  #5  
August 21st, 2008, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
How does DSD feel about her Grandma? Does she miss her all the time? or is she completely happy with short visits?[/b]
She loves my MIL very much but it is obvious that she feels smothered by her. She never wants to go over there for one-on-one time with them. She always asks if one of her siblings can go along. My MIL just wants to sit and stare at her and talk about inappropriate things like what is going on in DSD's bio mom's life. She does not like answering her grandmother's questions so I have told her to just start saying "I don't want to talk about that" and change the subject. She never, ever asks to go over there. She only goes when invited and we tell her she is going. I wish that my MIL could see that she is only pushing her away. Sky will even ask "Why did Nana buy me something and not everyone else" I always tell her to ask Nana that.
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  #6  
August 22nd, 2008, 07:05 AM
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She should ask he nana that. That might help her grandma understand that she doesn't like all the extra attention. Or have her tell Nana that she wants to see what the other kids are getting.
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  #7  
August 22nd, 2008, 08:22 AM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That's so hard. I think the help you are providing DSD to cope with her crazy grandmother is great! Hopefully she will see the light and change!
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