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Need advice with the MIL..


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  #1  
October 9th, 2008, 12:30 PM
*Lacey*
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My MIL is continuously making up complete lies and telling them to my husband-usually starting a fight between us. That, or she exaggerates something to him making something innocent sound bad-and again, starting fights between us. Most recent examples: DH was being a complete jack@$$ and we were on the verge of separating. I was staying at my grandmothers while he was in town (my family lives out of state-where I was staying at the time) and she came over with him. She started defending his completely inexcusable actions, and I said "_____, he could punch me in the face in front of you and you would defend him, claiming that you didnt see anything or that he wasnt wrong for doing it." She tells DH that I looked at my grandmother and said "He abuses me. ___(MIL)__ has seen him punch me in the face and she didnt do anything about it and just defended him!" HE BELIEVED HER! My grandmother was sitting there while I was "talking" with MIL but she NEVER said anything. MIL ALSO told DH that my grandmother was sitting there saying bad things about DH. SHE NEVER OPENED HER MOUTH except to say that she wanted us to work it out for the kids sake and for that to happen, the families just needed to stay out of it and we needed to cool off before talking anymore. She said that right as MIL was leaving-hugged MIL bye, and that was IT!
DH and I started working things out, decided to go marriage counseling at our church and have been REALLY trying. Today was our first fight since. Why? MIL! She called and told DH that at my DS's bday party last weekend, my Grandfather was REALLY rude to DH's uncle. First of all, my grandfather didnt say anything to ANYONE. 2nd of all.. my mom is the only one that said anything, and it WASNT RUDE! DH's aunt and uncle were leaving early.. My mom walked up and said "Y'all dont have to rush off! We are going to do his gifts in just a few minutes if y'all want to stick around to see him open yours." DH's aunt replied, "we just got him a card and some money, and (uncle) wants to go watch the game." Mom said okay, smiled, thanked them for coming.. and they left. Somehow that turned into my GRANDFATHER saying "Aww hell, you COULD wait 15 more minutes before running off!" rudely. See, FLAT OUT LIES!
I dont know if I should just confront her about the issue? It has been happening for the last 6 years! Some of the stuff is REALLY bogus.. like once she lost her mind, came to the house and told DH he had to move back in with her and that he'd better be fearing for his life because I told her that I was going to get a gun and shoot him in the head. NOT EVEN JOKING. She claimed that everyone at my baby shower with DD was completely hateful to her, when everyone there hugged her and spoke nicely to her and she was nice back!!
I dont know what the heck to do?! DH doesnt always believe her, but when its just things that she twists.. he usually does and doesnt believe that she has twisted something innocent into something bad. Its REALLY stressing me out!! Our marriage is FAILING because of this endless crap. His family is unreasonable. If I tried saying anything, Im afraid it would cause a bigger blow up. Shes dramatic and will probably threaten to just go and kill herself like she has in the past.
Its really starting to get to the point where Im afraid that DH and I are going to end up divorced. She doesnt always say bad things about me.. just my family! DH ends up harboring negative feelings towards them, which causes problems with us-especially around the Holidays. Throughout all of it, I have never let it get under my skin-even when we do have confrontations (which happen rarely because of how she twists what I say, I try to keep quiet around her), Im still super nice to her and try my best to just let it go. She has NEVER.. not even ONCE apologized to me, even when she has be caught in a flat out lie. But, I still let it go. *sigh* Im just ranting now, but I really dont know how to handle this situation. What would you all do? HELP!
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  #2  
October 9th, 2008, 06:24 PM
mom2nate
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Well in some respects your MIL is kind of like mine. When my husband confronts her with something she always goes to "I don't feel welcome to visit" "I am afraid to ask for pictures"...she ALWAYS tries to make me look like the moron...luckily my husband knows how his mother is....

You are ######ed if you do and ######ed if you don't. Like you said, your marriage is failing b/c of her. I know you hate to be the kind of person to say me or her but sometimes it reaches that point and it doesn't make you any less of a person to be that way. One can only take so much.

This is what I would do if I were in your situation: I would gather with your husband and your inlaws and I would confront her. BUT I would definitely do it in front of your husband. I would confront the both of them actually. If that didn't work then I would get everyone that she has ever made up a lie about put everyone in the same room and get it all out. Air the dirty laundry so to speak.

Ask your husband if he wants to lose you over his mother acting like this and that it has to stop. Be up front and 220% honest. If you really feel that the marriage is stressed and failing b/c of her then tell him exactly that. I know most men have a problem with being a momma's boy and have problems standing up to their mothers but sometimes they have to. In your case it is definitely warranted and deserved....

Good luck
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  #3  
October 9th, 2008, 07:20 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,541
Are you still in counseling? If so this is an issue that needs to be brought up there. Your counselor is a nuetral 3rd party who can give you valuable advice on how this needs to be handled and most importantly get you on the same page with DH. If you aren't still it sounds like it might be a good idea to go back. Hugs sweetie! I don't think confronting her will do any good until you and DH are unified and on the same page.
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  #4  
October 9th, 2008, 08:47 PM
*Lacey*
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Quote:
Well in some respects your MIL is kind of like mine. When my husband confronts her with something she always goes to "I don't feel welcome to visit" "I am afraid to ask for pictures"...she ALWAYS tries to make me look like the moron...luckily my husband knows how his mother is....

You are ######ed if you do and ######ed if you don't. Like you said, your marriage is failing b/c of her. I know you hate to be the kind of person to say me or her but sometimes it reaches that point and it doesn't make you any less of a person to be that way. One can only take so much.

This is what I would do if I were in your situation: I would gather with your husband and your inlaws and I would confront her. BUT I would definitely do it in front of your husband. I would confront the both of them actually. If that didn't work then I would get everyone that she has ever made up a lie about put everyone in the same room and get it all out. Air the dirty laundry so to speak.

Ask your husband if he wants to lose you over his mother acting like this and that it has to stop. Be up front and 220% honest. If you really feel that the marriage is stressed and failing b/c of her then tell him exactly that. I know most men have a problem with being a momma's boy and have problems standing up to their mothers but sometimes they have to. In your case it is definitely warranted and deserved....

Good luck[/b]
I cant tell you how many times I have heard this. When I had my DD, I had to call HER and ask HER if she would like to come over and see her granddaughter-she only showed a handful of times, once even STATING that she wasnt coming because Target was having a huge sale and she wanted to go. When DH confronted her about NEVER coming to see our daughter-she told him she was sick.. he mentioned the Target trip and the fact that she never said anything about being sick to him til that moment, she started saying "I just dont feel welcome there. I feel like no one wants me around. I think Lacey wishes I wasnt Gracey's grandmother." Yeah, thats why Im calling EVERY DAY asking if you want to come over to see her.
With my DS.. he was in the NICU for 2 mos, when we were finally able to hold him-I told the nurses that I didnt mind if Grandparents held him as long as they okayed it with us before going up to make sure we werent going to be coming shortly after (he could only be out of the incubator thing for a certain amount of time a day). I found out a week or so later that she had been going up EVERY day and holding him and feeding him, CLAIMING to have asked me and made sure I wasnt coming. Finally, one of the nurses called to check with me because she didnt know what my policy was, my parents were on the way up there because they had been working and hadnt been able to see him all week.. so I told the nurse "Not tonight, my parents are coming up and they havent been able to hold him at all yet, so Id like for them to be able to." She started bawling in the hospital saying that I hated her. After that, she called DH and cried "Ill NEVER ask to hold him again. Its fine. Dont worry about me.. Im just not going to ask so I dont get my feelings hurt like that EVER AGAIN!!" DH left me, who was also hormonal and upset over her dramatics, to go comfort poor drama queen mommy. I know, just like Im sure you know.. they are bullsh!tt!ng. Its just an attention ploy.. but MY HUSBAND BUYS INTO IT! Today he told me "I cant help it that my mother doesnt process her emotions exactly like you, but they ARE her emotions and she is free to feel that way if she wants to" GREAT! Then I get to be a drama queen and pitch a fit every time things do go my way! AWESOME! After all, its not MY fault that I feel that way-and I have every right to act like a cry baby if thats how I FEEL!
Geez, when I start thinking about all of the things that she has done.. I wonder how I ever stay civil with her! I just brush it off.. and thats my own fault I guess, but I thought I was doing whats best for my momma's boy husband! I HAVE tried the "Its ME or HER" bit and DH thinks that if he cuts her off, I have to cut my family off as well.. my family who encourages us to work things out.. my family who drives 5hrs at LEAST once a month to come see us and the kids.. my family who took DH in when him mom lost her mind and kicked him out (before we were married)...MY FAMILY who STAYS OUT OF IT!



I also agree that it needs to come up in counseling, and yes, we are still in counseling. We go separately though most of time.. we dont have sitters here in GA yet, and the kids go crazy when we are in the office. I have brought it up to the pastor on my own, but Im not sure that he brought it up to DH. Its a touchy thing for DH.. they were pretty awful to him when he was younger and as a teenager-now that he is air force and his mother was unable to successfully get him kicked out (she tried right before basic!), they have all the "My son is in the Air Force" "Air Force Mom" stickers on their vehicles and stay stuck up his butt when we are home. He soaks it up and now believes that they do no wrong.

ACK!

I guess I really am darned if I do and darned if I dont. Im just going to stop going to the family functions I think. I may keep the kids away too til they straighten up. I know it sounds awful.. but i KNOW for a FACT that his mother talks bad about me at family functions that I dont attend.. and I will NOT have my kids hearing any of her crap.

I think I have just brushed it off TOO LONG!
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  #5  
October 17th, 2008, 11:38 AM
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I did the same exact thing you have been doing, just brushing it off .. saying "Whatever." Except, not all of the stuff MIL has been doing has been as bad as that, bu she has pulled drama queen stuff. Like, the fact that we were moving 300 miles away ment that we'd never see her again. "How could you [we] do that to me?!" Finally .. I blew up, let her have it.... She hasnt talked to me or my husband since, however he knows his mother is crazy and she makes him just as mad as she makes me.
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