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My inlaws are out right mean to me... My MIL telle me things along the line... "You're going to kill your daughter cause you don't cut the hot dogs up small enough" or "This diaper looks like the dog put it on"... I mean thos are actual examples. Not the end of the world, but they irk me. They have a few then they sit around and tell DH how evil I am. ALL THE TIME then they pretend to be "nice-ish" to me. I've never done ANYTHING to his father, but he hates me too. DH always says it's all me. I can't get him on my team about this. DH and I are having probs, so I told him to show him how hard I'm willing to work on "us" I'll talk to your folks, see what I'm doing wrong and work on it.
So I went to "apologize" today. I was just getting madder at the situation (I seriously go out of my way to be nice to these horrible people). So I get there and fully intend on listening to her go off on me and apologizing blankly just to make DH happy. I tell her "I need to know what I do that makes you and Wayne hate me"... Her response "You want the truth?" Seriously?? No I'm here to have you lie to me...
Anyways wanna know why Chris' dad hates me?? Cause one night he got really drunk, said some HORRIBLE things to me (I'm a stuck up b**** who doesn't deserve his kid and he'd tell me what he thinks of me but it's too bad for even him to say it, etc for HOURS).he hates me cause he doesn't remember what he said to me in that fight but the fact that his brother and his mom took my side is enouugh to hold it all against me. He was too drunk to remember what he said (I'm not a big drinker, so I was very sober). That's what he's holding onto... that's why he's saying terrible things about me to DH... cause he was wrong?? ef that!
She's mad at me get this... Apparently when she complained on a DAILY basis to me about having to make Dh's dad happy by sitting on the porch with him for hours, and I said that she could always start dinner and tell him that she's busy. I'M TRYING TO BREAK THEM UP AND CAUSE A FIGHT... Seriously?? If you want to do it than stop complaining, if you don't want to I was offering a way out. She said that the "talks" on the porch never happened (you know the ones with one too many, where I grow horns)... Yea cause Dh is going to LIE to me so that I dislike his parents more!!! Also I can no longer talk about anything that my family gets Carrie, apparently by talking about the nice things my family gets her, i'm saying that what his family gets her isn't good enough.I even asked if I talked down about something they gave her, or acted displeased with anythign that she got Carrie ever... answers to both questions are NO. So I did NOTHIGN wrong except talk about my family. I understand that they can't afford the same kinds of things, but I've been appreciative for everything she's received.
She ADMITTED to telling me mean things, admitted that some thigns she said she knew were catty and agreed me with almost everythign I told her I had issues with. Not one apology in 2 hours!! I didn't go there expecting one, but if you say. Yes, I said that, I knew at the time that it was catty... shouldn't you express regret for saying it?? Apparently not. She also informed me that she can treat me however she wants if she feels that her son isn't being treated how she wants...
He always thinks that I take what they say wrong or somethign to that effect. How do I get him to listen to me. They don't say this crap in front of him (except the hot dog thing) and then he insisted it was "misunderstood"... GRRRRRR
"Disability is not a brave struggle or ‘courage in the face of adversity.’ Disability is an art. It’s an ingenious way to live."
Wow! That's a very bad situation to say the least. It doesn't sound like there is going to be any meeting of the minds any time soon. My ILs are no where near that bad but I learned a couple things a long time ago, complaining about them to DH gets me nowhere. He always defends his mom with excuses for her behavior even when I know he knows she is wrong. So I pretty much keep it to myself and tell my mom! LOL If it's not getting you anywhere you might as well save your breathe when it comes to DH and take away that tension. You also can't do anything about what they say to him about you. Hopefully one day he will see the truth about what is happening but you aren't going to be the one to do that. When it comes to how they treat you, you may need to take the approach of simply walking away when they are saying mean or disrespectful things. If DH or someone asks, tell them that the things being said were untrue/mean and hurt your feelings and that you don't have to listen to it. If he starts to fight with you over it, hold up your hand, and say, I don't want to fight with you over it, you asked why I left, that's my reason whether you agree with it or not, I don't want to discuss it. And just stay away until they either leave or you leave or the dynamic shifts, like it's now time to eat, etc. I've also learned that it's best not to mention gifts by my family. My MIL always complains that she can't buy him anything because of how much my mom buys. Right. That's a load of you know what. Yes, my parents spoil him, but my ILs are welcome to buy anything they want. Like you I've never once said a negative thing about something they have bought him no matter how odd or age inappropriate it may be. Really, my ILs have way more money than my parents and my parents have other grandchildren but my MIL doesn't want to admit that her priorities are herself before anything else so she spends extravagent amounts on her clothing, jewelry, vacations with FIL etc and coming to see us or buying things for her grandchild are very low on that list. So, I only mention things when asked, like I know she'll ask about the huge Kota the Dinosaur that he has when they come so I say, yes, my parents bought it, and drop it. I never bring it up. I know it's hard to be civil when they are so mean and it's hard to deal with a DH who isn't on your side, but what other choice is there? Stooping to their level and fighting constantly with your DH isn't going to help things either. There may be a point where it's so bad that you can't be around them ever, but there may be consequences for your marriage if you do so, so you will have to weigh the costs and benefits. Counseling for you and DH may be beneficial too if he's willing. Sometimes hearing from someone else that he isn't supporting you can be the best thing. Hugs! We're always here too!
Not sure what to add......but IW ill say that it wasn't til recently that Eric was completely on my side. I finally just put my foot down and told him if he wanted to guarantee the ILs happiness, he should live with them. He lives with me and that's whose happiness and support he needed to worry about. Granted, parents aren't going to be around forever not by choice. I have a choice on living with him.
He got the clue and is generally right next to me on every issue.
I also had the problem of my DH siding with his mom. Well i considered it siding. He would say he knows she can be difficult etc. but almost saying that that was the way it was and i shouldnt take it seriously. I mean come on, just because she treated me badly, i had to siuck it up????
well, eventually i did seem like i sucked it up and pretty much avoided getting into any confrontational scenarios. I knew for a fact that she said things to rile me up. So i made a point of blocking myself and acting nonchalant. eventaully she got tired of getting no reaction and sometimes other ppl would look at her at raise eyebrows. Thing is when i went all upset she looked all calm and innocent. so when i started doing it (honestly they are the greatest teachers in methods to deal with them lol), she landed up starting to look like the b&^%H and she didnt like that so she started behaiving.
I will never forget how she treated me and i wont get baited any longer.....but i will never be close to her.
in fact, she has now started baiting my SIL (also married to her other son) and now, it is funny, i have started standing up for my SIL.....by questioning her snippy comments. Its great as she cant bait me and now i can make her look further stupid by questioning her publicly with others issues.... so she cant then turn to target me....
its almost like i am training a wild horse....its slow and sometimes frustrating, but the results are better than falling down from her critism.
i will never get the MIL i wanted, but i am making the best of a bad situation.
the reality is, i am shagging her son. who, at the end of the day, is going to give him more pleasure????
and thats when the loyalties will slowly start changing to you....its not a decision your DH can take immediately, but you have to wean him off her and over to you......