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I'm not new to JM, but I'm new to this board. I can't even explain how glad I am that this is here, and can't believe I never saw this before.
Where to start...
I have two DDs. Fiona, 3, and Bianca, 1. My MIL is the biggest pain in my butt, and BIL is really no better. My sister has long since started to get on my last nerve as well.
There are so many issues, I can't even discuss it all, I'd be here for days and days.
The issues with my MIL started from day one, when she realized I didn't have blue eyes, or work at the same airline as she does (as do her other sons' girlfriends). I didn't have a chance right from the start.
To top it off...I got pregnant half a year into dating my now fiance. It's not like the pregnancy happened when we were 16, out of work, or anything like that (this is not to offend anyone, it's just to say that it's not like there was any real concern about money or education that we were expecting a baby). We were both in our 20's, well on our way in life, and madly in love (still are). Not only did we stay together, we thrived. Moved in, got better paying jobs, and actually were better off than we'd started.
But none of that mattered. I was the devil. I was stealing her poor little baby. To add, she wanted nothing to do with our baby. Wouldn't even acknowledge the pregnancy. She'd come visit and since she's from out of town, she'd stay with us. She'd spend her visits with us changing the subject anytime the pregnancy came up, and just made me completely miserable. One minute she'd deny that I was "showing" and next, when we were alone she'd say "better take it easy on that breakfast you're eating...you don't want to get any bigger."
Fast forward to now. She's still a hopeless cow. She makes this snide comments that are just intollerable, and worse...she says them in my own home. She goes out of her way just to make things difficult for me (and as a result, her own son too). She's been "suspended" so to speak from babysitting...
Which by the way, she did come around about the baby...in fact, she's OBSESSED with our kids...mainly my eldest, Fiona, go figure...the one she wanted nothing to do with before her birth!
She monopolizes Fiona's time when she comes down for visits (which is always days at a time), and spoils them with attention (which, if you read up on it, is just as destructive when done inappropriately like she does). Undermines our authority...
The result of this, is Fiona doesn't listen to us when she's around. She gets overstimulated, cries for "nanny", ignores us completely. It's heartbreaking. It's frustrating. And MIL just endulges in it, and feeds it.
We've talked to her numerous times about it. She doesn't care. She won't change. It's a constant battle...and I'm sad to say that because we've been so discouraged over time, we haven't helped the situation very much.
My youngest Bianca, though, hasn't fallen into that downward spiral, thankfully. We haven't allowed it. It's bad to say that it's kind of like "we're not letting her screw this one up!" lol But you all know what I mean, I'm sure.
Bianca doesn't like the overstimulation, and will come to mommy when she's had enough, which I just love. And that's because we've put our food down very early on in the game.
That's about all I can say about my MIL w/o going round in circles and telling stories upon stories of ruined Christmas's, visits ending in tears, or other horrible times...
BIL. Ugh. One word to describe him: OBNOXIOUS! He's my fiance's brother...my MIL's son, and THE worst part? He's marrying my SISTER in 17 days. It didn't start off bad...but in hind sight, I now see how things have lead up to where they are now. My fiance and I met through my sister and now soon to be BIL. It was neat at first...dating brothers. A bit unconventional, but convenient! lol
Now...I can't stand the guy. He's vile. Rude. Obnoxious (as mentioned above), and just plain creepy. He goes out of his way to "jokingly" make me unconfortable...lingering hugs. Breathing down my neck. Making inappropriate comments to me in front of everyone, including MIL, and my own mother.
He's a huge jerk. He acts like an entitled, righteous bonehead. He's rude to DF all the time...immasculating him at every turn...always "as a joke" but the joke has lost any and all humor it may have once had.
If we tell him to stop...He does it more, or louder, or more frequently. Just to be a fricken pest.
WHEN he does get involved in our children, he tries to teach them swear words (sooooooooooo inappropriate, I could deck him!), shovels chocolate down their throats,...
Oh, and don't even get me started about what he does if he heaven forbid disagree with a parenting decision we make! This is where the word ENTITLED comes into play. Like he has any right, or place to dictate these kids' upbringing!
Example: When I went back to work after having Bianca, we hired an in-home nanny that stays at our place during the week, goes home on weekends. She's 19 years old, shy, but WONDERFUL with our children, and quickly became a member of our little family. Well, when I was home taking care of the kids (and before this I ran a home daycare), my sister, BIL and whoever else could pop in whenever. When we told them that we didn't want them coming over while we were at work because we wanted the nanny to be able to keep to a schedule, and not worry about entertaining "drop ins", BIL threw the biggest hissy fit! Everyone sort of did, but HE was the worst! Suddenly it was "why are you keeping us from popping in and taking Fiona for a walk or to the park! She's our niece! We should have the right to come and get her if we want to spend time with her!" (to which we responded "well, why wouldn't you take Bianca too?" but that's a whole other story!). 1. You've never shown any interest in taking Fiona to the park or spending time alone with her. 2. Who the heck do you think you are?! If we want to keep you all at bay while the nanny takes good care of our kids, who the heck are you to tell us otherwise!?
Nothing stopped us from keeping to this rule, but just the very thought that he had the utter nerve....ugh.
Anyhoo, his inappropriate-ness (is that even a word?) has gotten out of hand, and I've hated it for years. I can't stand to be around him.
He's a mama's boy to the max, complies to everything she wants or says, invites her down for visits (again, she lives out of town) but then works the whole time and dumps her on us! I could seriously strangle him.
My main complaint today, is that we're all taking off to Mexico in 2 weeks for their wedding, and I'm dreading it! MIL will be there...enough said. But to top it off, BIL and my sister will be there too (clearly, it's their wedding! lol). Fiona is going to be a brat, as she always is when she's around them, but DF and I have unequivocally decided that Fiona will not get the opportunity to be overstimulated or monopolized by them whilst on this $5000.00 vacation (double ugh), I don't care who we upset in the process.
It's going to be a complete and utter nightmare. Fights. Arguments. Whining. Criticizing. Manipulating. Guilting.
I'm just praying for the best...But you can be assured that I'll be on here in a few weeks time complaining about the awful things that went on during the vacation! HAHAHAHA
Just wanted to share my story with you all (this is the VERY condensed version!)
I'm pretty sure they are. Mine also spoils our daughter with attention to the point that she wants nothing to do with us when grandma is around and she is constantly breaking house rules which drives me nuts. Everytime she leaves we have tons of discipline problems. IMO shes robbing our child of her independence and really planting the seeds for future discipline problems. I'm trying to nip in the bud this visit, but it's extremely difficult when I'm at work while shes at home with dd and my dh who just doesn't want to deal with his crazy mom.
The best I can manage is when I'm around, I tell her "don't do this" or "we don't do this in this house".
She also gets very upset when I DON'T have dd watching TV all day, lol. We hardly watch TV and she thinks we're like hurting dd by doing that, lol. So everytime she visits she turns the boob tube on all day. She also buys TONS of movies for dd that we rarely show her and she gets mad about that too even though I've told her, repeatedly, that we don't watch a lot of TV in our house so she might not really get to se the dvds much or soon.
She even buys movies and toys that I do not approve of and gets mad when I throw them out. Uh, duh. I TOLD you not to buy them. I probably wouldn't be as bad about doing this if she wasn't an evil hag in general. If she were nicer and wasn't such a bad influence on the kid(s) shed be able to get away with more.
No kidding, our MILs MUST have some blood in common or something!
My MIL though is the opposite with TV. She monopolizes their time by doing things that no one else can join in doing...Like coloring at their tiny table that seats 2 max...or reading...or whatever other activities that are really just one on one and leave everyone out. So it's not like we can at least butt into their game of whatever....You know? The only thing she'll do with them that CAN involve us, is taking them for walks or playing outside. But in those cases, DF joins, and that's fine, but I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a fork than spend time "playing" or walking with her. I keep at a distance because we silently and subtly ingore each other and it's just uncomfortable to even be around.
If I get the kids to sit down to watch a movie (just to calm them down, and give them a break from her) it's typically a big deal...she gives us attitude, or goes back home and tells the rest of the family that "those kids are addicted to TV". I once heard her tell Fiona "Come we'll go play outside, I know mom and dad don't take you outside very often."
Couldn't be more wrong lady....couldn't be more wrong.
Personally, I'd like to see her let Fiona take breaks when she SEES that Fiona pushes us away, or doesn't want anything to do with. She doesn't realize that by not respecting Fiona's space or needs, such as discipline, play time alone, and what have you, she's actually hurting her emotionally and intellectually. I'm not a monster...I WANT Fiona to have a relationship with her grandma. But she also needs to learn to respect mom and dad completely no matter who is around. That crap doesn't fly with us. Fiona plays well alone too, and it's good for her imagination. She needs to learn that someone can't always give them her undivided attention. These are lessons she needs to learn.
To be honest, I'm starting to notice Fiona is acting like a little princess with her. I don't mean that in a good way. I mean, she's being rough, rude, and demanding with her. It's slowly starting, but I can tell you I've been predicting this for 2 years! You reap what you sow, lady. You want to let her get away with murder? You want to give her your undivided attention all the time? You want to teach her that there are no rules with "nanny"? HA! How do you like her tantrums when you walk out of the room and kicks and screams at the bathroom door while you try to pee? How to you like it when she doesn't let you have a conversation with anyone else and interrupts you at every turn (because she CAN)? How do you like it when you DO say no and she spits or laughs in your face (like she did the other day)?
Yup...you're SURE gaining her respect, aren't you?! Well, all I can say is GOOD, you deserve it.
We've got our game plan all set pretty well for Mexico, I think if we stick to it, and play the game properly, they don't stand a chance! HAHAHA
I have excuses, tactics, and tricks up my sleeve to make sure we get our time with the kids on holidays, and when/if all else fails, I have speeches all laid out for everyone. But I only intend on using those as a last resort. I think the BEST way to win, is to play the game baby!
Omg. Yeah. They're related. I already see extremely bad behavior when MIL is around. The bad part is that it continues when she leaves. Dd want's us to have the TV on 24/7 like grandma does (even if she's not watching it), she runs around and won't let me change her diaper or her clothes (this gets worse everytime she visits too, especially the diaper part dd always gets a SEVERE diaper rash with spots all over every time MIL visits becuase MIL insists on keeping her out of daycare to spend time with her, that will stop after we have the new baby becuase we know she definately can't handle two and we're not letting her pick favorites and keep only one), and then there's the whole princess thing. I've told her time and time again that I do not like the whole princess attitude and sense of entitlement (nor do I like the disney princess, well I don't like snow white, ariel, cinderlla, sleeping beauty and they seem to be the popular ones because they were al useless dolts who need a man to come solve their problems) and yet she literally pushes this whole princess attitude. One day dd was even walking around with MILs gigantic engagement ring, it made me ill (not to mention, what if she dropped it down a heating duct or something? OR swallowed it? Idk how many carats it is but its the largest one I've ever seen someone actually wear).
And oh yeah, the passive agressive comments are the best like, " I know mommy doesn't let you watch TV so we'd better watch some." and "Oh well, I know your mommy never plays with dolls with you so I'd better teach you how." Lol. That drives me nuts because I REALLY don't like her talking negatively in front of DD about me. It's not her place and I go out of my way to not talk about MIL infront of DD because believe it or not, I'm a decent human being.
Anyway I find myself not even liking my own child sometimes because of how she acts when grandma is around and after she leaves... and my daughter is normally a sweet child. But when grandmas around she starts spitting, disobeying, sticking out her toungue and name calling (although she did call grandma ignorant which had DH and I rolling around on the floor laughing in private later that night).
Oh. My. God. Not only are our MIL's related...so are our kids!
The way you described your DD is EXACTLY how Fiona is when MIL is around. She wants nothing to do with us, and we have behavioral and discipline issues afterwards. For the past few visits though, I have to say that Fiona's attitude does a 180 as soon as MIL is gone. Which is at least an improvement.
I am so happy that Bianca is a mommy and daddy's girl that way...She gets annoyed of visitors, and ends up just walking away from them when she's had enough, or comes to seek us for refuge. Fiona unfortunately has gotten caught up in that web of being spoiled, and even though she gets crabby and tired, and hungry, and miserable, she doesn't know why, and lashes out on us for it. It's sad.
I know that this is only just a phase...that sooner or later, Fiona will prefer playing Barbies, or House, or play with friends, or talk on the phone, or whatever...and MIL's parade will be over.
In the meantime though, I hate every minute of it.