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  #1  
February 28th, 2010, 09:45 PM
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KAB KAB is offline
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I lurk here every once in a while and thought I might ask everyone here for some advice. To try and make a very long (8 yr) story short, I used to get along with my MIL. DH and I were having a problem in our marriage 3 years ago and MIL took total advantage of it and tried as hard as she could to break up our marriage (she does not believe in marriage, just thinks people should live together), she even went as far as to have divorce papers drawn up for DH. She lied to me and used me as much as she could but it all blew up in her face because DH and I have something that she apparently doesn't have, which is love for each other and commitment, and our marriage is solid even through the glitches. I always let MIL get away with things but this drew the line for me so I confronted her, she basically told me she doesn't care about me and she will do what she feels she needs to do for her life and her son. I haven't talked to her since.

DH has never been close with his mom, she has treated him like crap his entire life, but he wants to try and be the bigger person and be an example to her so he tries to have a relationship with her. I've only seen her twice in the last 3 years, and both times it was very awkward and uncomfortable. I have to see MIL again for a few days in June, and I don't want to live my life being uncomfortable around her.

So here is my question that I need advice on: For those of you who deal with difficult in-laws, what do you do or say, or suggest be done or said, to ease the tension and be kind and loving towards them? Is there something that you do for yourself that helps you deal with in-laws better? I just want to move on for DH's sake, and would appreciate any advice that could help point me in that direction. Thanks!
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  #2  
March 1st, 2010, 06:20 AM
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Ok.

Here is the only thing that works for me.

Think of the craziest most deluded and pathetic person you can possibly think of. Now think of how horrible it must be to be that person.

There you now have a smidge of pity for the MIL.

Seriously, the ONLY way I stop myself from throttling my MIL everytime I see her is pity and the thought that she IS nuts and we shouldn't throttle the mentally ill.

I'm quite serious.

The other thing I think about is that as insane and selfish as the woman is, she IS DHs mom. Even though she acts like a 2 year old I can be an adult, or try to be an adult, and just put up with 75% of her insanity and put my foot down when the other 25% encroaches on my life and wellbeing of my kids.

I have a really really bad MIL, shes as bad if not worse than yours.

Just to give an example, I'm trying for a VBAC with this baby, I had a C-section with dd. Anyway when I first got pregnant the first thing she asked was when I was going to have the c-section. I explained to her that hopefully I wouldn't need one and that if I don't need it, it's better to VBAC for X, Y and Z reasons. I spelled it out because you HAVE to with her. I told her my due date at this time also. A month later she starts asking "when am I having the C-section?" Again we explain VBAC VBAC VBAC, no date set.

And no, we can't chalk it up to bad memory, shes only 49.

This goes on every month.

Finally, about what now 2 months ago? January I think she starts REALLY freaking out about it. She sends me this long ranting e-mail abotu how I'm being selfish wanting a VBAC and I'm only doing it to MESS WITH HER PLANS because it's making it impossible for her to plan ahead and buy a PLANE TICKET to come to Ohio. Dear me. Yes, I'm going out of my way to plan one of the most important events of my life... just to mess with HER. She also accused me of lieing to her and withholding my due date just to mess with her and make her life hard. Not only had I told her my due date REPEATEDLY, it was also posted right on my facebook page that she visited daily in order to post on my wal and pester me about when I was having a c-section... Ok, so DH puts her in her place (he doesn't necessarily agree witht he whole VBAC thing, but knows me, gets WHY I want to do it and supports me none the less... and he knows his mom was the last thing on my mind when I decided I wanted to do it). SO then some time passes and she starts bugging AGAIN. This time wanting to know when she should visit (same question framed in a different way). I again reply to her saying "I'm due MArch 29th. My guess is that VBAC or no, I will have the baby between MArch 22nd and April 5th." Then I tell her "If we have to schedule a c-section for issues similar to last time, I will try to put it on a Thursday or Friday so that you can spend the weekend with dd since we won't be pulling her out of preschool at all during the transition, it's better to keep her on her schedule." Now, when I said this, I was REALLY bending over backwards because if I need to schedule it, I would prefer to do it on a Monday. Anyway she replies back saying that if we're aren't going to keep DD out of preschool it's not worth it for her to spend her vacation up here to get only 2 days with DD. Then she says it's a shame she won't be able to be here when the baby is born because now SHE'LL never bond properly with the new baby and she won't have the same relationship with dd2 that she has with dd1. And thanks for ruining HER birth experience. W.T.F.

Anyway, not trying to thread hijack. Just trying to show that you are NOT alone. There are all variety of completely bonkers women out there who just thrive on drama and being the center of attention. They can take a situation that has NOTHING to do with them (for example, your spat with your DH or our impending childbirth) and make it ALL ABOUT THEM. I believe that this is becasue their own lives are so small and pathetic that they need to live vicariously through others while simultaneously tearing them down just to feel... good about themselves.

Oh and my MIL tried to break us up too. During this pregnancy. DH wasn't having none of it.
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  #3  
March 1st, 2010, 11:16 AM
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KAB KAB is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilmom View Post
Ok.

Here is the only thing that works for me.

Think of the craziest most deluded and pathetic person you can possibly think of. Now think of how horrible it must be to be that person.

There you now have a smidge of pity for the MIL.

I believe that this is because their own lives are so small and pathetic that they need to live vicariously through others while simultaneously tearing them down just to feel... good about themselves.

Wow Lilmom, that did actually help, thank you! When I have to go see her in June I'm going to remind myself of this. I do feel sorry for her because she is so miserable with her life. Maybe if I think of her as mentally ill and sad I can have some pity and show some kindness, maybe I can even muster up a hug for her

Your MIL sounds like a piece of work like mine. It just makes me wonder how such selfish people can be parents? Or maybe that is why they leave scars on their children, only the Lord knows why DH turned out to be good and nothing like his mom. I'm sorry that your MIL is making the birth of your baby all about her, I can't believe what she said! My MIL is young too, only 44, so I too can't blame it on being old and senile or anything like that. I hope your MIL will chill out so that you can enjoy the birth of your baby and not stress you out, I also hope that you will be able to have your VBAC!
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