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I am soon to be married to a fiance of a year and am more in love with him than ever.
I have known him for several years but his mother has always had an unspoken hatred for me.
She has now recently made it clear that she does not approve and wants nothing to do with me.
Seeing as my fiance for the longest time has been very close to his mother, it is very difficult when she opposes and he is stuck in the middle.
We have fights over it constantly but recently gave up.
Its clear now that she will not be at the wedding nor will she ever see her future grandchildren. We are not sure how much of this still be stuck to, but me, coming from a strong moral of wanting a close family and marrying into his family not just him, is very upset.
Through much struggle and effort I have made to be okay with her, she still refuses to even care or try. Her hatred for me is something that nobody can figure out where it came from and she refuses to talk of it.
Count yourself lucky that you don't have to deal with her. At least people can see that she is being unreasonable which makes her look like she's taking the moral low road. I wouldn't bend over backwards for someone like that.
I have to agree with the others, I would just give up trying too. Sounds like you got your hands full with that MIL. I say just wash your hands and be done with it. Just imagine how much damage she can do at the wedding. My MIL showed up late to ours and my SIL showed up wearing a white dress, that actually looked liked like a freaking long shirt instead. Both of them don't like me. And you know what, I could care less.
I know she doesn't want to talk about it and you cannot figure out what the deal is, but perhaps if you wrote her a letter she might come around? Maybe you could explain how difficult this is for DH, that you value family relationships, and that you don't want dh to think about how his mom couldn't be at the wedding for the rest of his life, etc... If you make it out about her and your husband, she might react differently. Plus, if you do this the ball will be in her court and you won't worry if there was something else you could do. Just remember that it's not guaranteed that she'll respond, but there's a small chance. I know people think it's easier to just discount people like this, but when it tears up the person you love, it's so hard.
My MIL made it clear that she did not like me after she visited with us for a week. The first day that she was back home, she sent dh an email saying that I was rude. (after I had cleaned the entire apartment, given up my bed, grocery shopped for her with a list she provided and she never ate, spent money on lunch where she ordered drinks and the most expensive items, drove her everywhere because dh had a motorcycle and I had the only car, and gave them plenty of quality time together, oh and she never said thanks for any of it, but I'm rude) She wrote that he should continue to date and not marry me, etc... My DH had been very close to his mom while we were dating, but wrote back to her that if she did not want to support us that we would make plans for her not to be at the wedding. They didn't talk for several months.
I know a bit about how you feel (of course I don't know the full situation), because even though DH stood up for me I hated the fact that his family was making it so difficult for him. I'm a huge family person and my family adores dh. I figured out that her issue was that of insecurity and the fact that dh has been independent all his life and never needed her. Now if he needed anyone, it would be me and that KILLED her. I made the decision to be the bigger person and try to get him to talk to her. She did end up coming to the wedding where I made several attempts to reach out to her (buying a special gift of my husbands birthstone in a necklace for her, inviting her to get ready with the brides maids and I, etc...) She still likes to snub me at family events and things, but by my being nice to her people are starting to see who she really is. I think it's made it easier on my dh and his brother has even come around to see how horrible she's been. I think it would be hilarious for her to find out that the whole reason that she got to talk to my husband and was invited to the wedding was because of me. I think I'll hold that one for a particularly rainy day.
Sorry this was so long! I wish you the very best of luck!
Wife to sweet husband Jeff and mother to 2 beautiful girls: Emily (2) and Jocelyn (1).