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Tips to deal with the inlaws?


Forum: Inlaws

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  #1  
December 1st, 2011, 10:08 AM
sfarrow3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I notice that some of you get along really well with your inlaws. What are some tips that you would like to share from personal expriences with your own in-laws?
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  #2  
December 1st, 2011, 05:33 PM
C&K'sMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Move 5 states away from them.

We stay at my parents when we are in that area and use the excuse that my mom has a spare bedroom and that the kids love her animals (she has a farm). I outright have nothing to do with them and that's the only thing that keeps me from strangling her.
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  #3  
December 2nd, 2011, 01:11 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Quote:
Originally Posted by C&K'sMama View Post
Move 5 states away from them.

We stay at my parents when we are in that area and use the excuse that my mom has a spare bedroom and that the kids love her animals (she has a farm). I outright have nothing to do with them and that's the only thing that keeps me from strangling her.
If there were any further north states other than Minnesota I'm sure Dh would love to take your advice! lol... We're a whole country and... probably a dozen states away from my family.
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  #4  
December 2nd, 2011, 07:41 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Assume positive intent. I'm blessed to have caring and sweet il's. They aren't perfect people and they've said things I disagree with on occasion, but they have good hearts and good intentions and keeping that in mind helps those things to not get under my skin too much. Everyone in my life is different and we don't have to agree one things 100% to get along and have a good relationship.

I realize some il's (or family in general) really *are* being intentionally rude, passive aggressive or even hostile, and in those cases I still recommend assuming positive intent. Even if you know you're probably wrong, it's less stress on your mind and, IME, nothing drives a rude/passive aggressive person more nuts than when you act oblivious to their crap entirely.
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  #5  
December 2nd, 2011, 08:16 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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LOL. I gave them my positive intent, now they're getting assertive gal.

I've not yet decided if I want to kill em with kindness or not... I used to do that to my customers at work... I can honestly say it made them even angrier with me.
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  #6  
December 4th, 2011, 08:10 AM
C&K'sMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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When I act oblivious they use it as another reason to tell my husband to divorce me... yea they do that on a regular basis, many times I'm even in their house when they say it to him. They say that my oblivion means that I'm not smart enough to be with him. The kindness led them to find more reasons to hate me. His mother and I used to talk and one thing she'd complain about was something her husband does. I had heard it every day for months so I finally weighed in. (My advice was to start dinner before he got home so that she couldn't be roped into the thing she was complaining about). She later used that instance against me claiming that I was trying to break up their 25 year marriage. At this point all I can do is avoid them and get Chris to do the same (if he doesn't then they use all their alone time with him to try and talk him into leaving me and our kids).
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  #7  
December 5th, 2011, 05:06 AM
sfarrow3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by C&K'sMama View Post
When I act oblivious they use it as another reason to tell my husband to divorce me... yea they do that on a regular basis, many times I'm even in their house when they say it to him. They say that my oblivion means that I'm not smart enough to be with him. The kindness led them to find more reasons to hate me. His mother and I used to talk and one thing she'd complain about was something her husband does. I had heard it every day for months so I finally weighed in. (My advice was to start dinner before he got home so that she couldn't be roped into the thing she was complaining about). She later used that instance against me claiming that I was trying to break up their 25 year marriage. At this point all I can do is avoid them and get Chris to do the same (if he doesn't then they use all their alone time with him to try and talk him into leaving me and our kids).
Wth! Your Mil is a peach! I really do not understand why some Ils feel threaten and act in such a barbaric way!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
Assume positive intent. I'm blessed to have caring and sweet il's. They aren't perfect people and they've said things I disagree with on occasion, but they have good hearts and good intentions and keeping that in mind helps those things to not get under my skin too much. Everyone in my life is different and we don't have to agree one things 100% to get along and have a good relationship.

I realize some il's (or family in general) really *are* being intentionally rude, passive aggressive or even hostile, and in those cases I still recommend assuming positive intent. Even if you know you're probably wrong, it's less stress on your mind and, IME, nothing drives a rude/passive aggressive person more nuts than when you act oblivious to their crap entirely.

You know assuming positive intent is good and like you said it does drive them crazy. I ham trying to work on not letting what the say and do bother me so much., but it is very hard....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tithen~ View Post
LOL. I gave them my positive intent, now they're getting assertive gal.

I've not yet decided if I want to kill em with kindness or not... I used to do that to my customers at work... I can honestly say it made them even angrier with me.


It works girl!!!! Kill them with kindness!!!! Lol
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  #8  
December 5th, 2011, 05:13 AM
sfarrow3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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One tip I have is having dh deal with them. This works ok for us on certain issues.
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  #9  
December 5th, 2011, 06:10 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Positive intent doesn't mean you're a doormat. You must be misunderstanding the point. You can do that and still enforce your own personal boundaries very clearly. We do it all the time (with people in general, we don't really need to enforce boundaries in that way with my il's because they're generally awesome people) and it's actually gotten us a lot further than needlessly engaging in arguing, name-calling and otherwise immature and lousy behaviour would have. We choose to set a better example and choose to show our children how to manage conflict in a healthy way.

Obviously, it doesn't work if someone is blatantly in your face yelling or something, but I probably wouldn't stick around long enough to let that happen were there relatives who were likely to do that kind of thing in the first place. Blatant abuse is not something that's permitted here.

It also doesn't make you stupid if you choose not to engage in childish behaviour. C&K, your dh should be the one intervening on your behalf in that situation. There is never a time where it's acceptable for family to call the woman he's chosen to love 'stupid'. Your mil sounds like kind of a nut job, but her becoming angrier when you were nice despite her attacks on you is kind of the point. I'm not sure you can ever win someone like that over, but at the end of the day, you know you're not sinking to that level of unhealthy. I do second that your dh should be laying down some fierce boundaries: "You may not talk about my wife that way and opinions on our marriage are not welcome." If she protests, repeat verbatim. As many times as necessary. "You may not talk about my wife that way and opinions on our marriage are not welcome. If you refuse to attacking my wife, we will be forced to severely limit our contact with you." and mean it.
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Last edited by Keakie; December 5th, 2011 at 06:13 AM.
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  #10  
December 5th, 2011, 06:15 AM
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^^^^ very well said!!!!
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