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How do you tell her?


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  #1  
August 1st, 2006, 05:24 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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Okay, I have NO idea how to word this, so I hope it makes sense.

Dh was raised more by his grandmother than his mom. His grandma lived with them all his life... was always there for him... she would always *leave* the kids with the grandma while she went out. DH thinks of his grandmother more of his mom, than his own mom.
She doesn't have the greatest reputation as a "mom". She is quite money hungry. She took a couple thousand dollars from DH when DH graduated highschool - the money that he was awarded with for being validictorian (sp?) and she promised to pay him back. To this day, she hasnt, and if he brings it up with her, she gets mad. So we left the conversation at that.
When his grandmother died, she left his little sister (my sister in law) with some extreme valuables. Everyone is quite sure she sold these things, and wont let anyone see them. SIL is young, and still doesnt really know its hers. Or shall I say... *was* hers.
When DH was a small kid, she even got fired and served time for stealing a huge chunk of change from her company.

Anyway... as of late, dh and I have been talking about wills and whatnot, and who gets the children.
Even though DH knows his mom doesnt have the greatest rep, he still wants to have his mom written to have the kids... as well as my mom, and my sister (my mom and my sister are great, and very maternal and very honest people and dh knows that). But whoever we leave our kids with - we are also leaving our life insurance and assets to, so they can take care of the kids - and so the kids have money to go to school. I honestly think that MIL would only think of the kids as a source of income, and that really makes me sad.

Last night I just cried... I really dont want her to be on the list of custodians if something happens to us. I asked dh why he would want her on their even though he even knows her reputation since he was affected. He said that it would hurt his mom if she wasnt listed - and other people were. So dh is going to re-think since I told him how much it stresses me.

How do we tell MIL that she isn't on the list? She holds gripes so quick. She would hate us probably.

Im sure you can gather why I dont want her to be on the list...
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  #2  
August 1st, 2006, 05:41 PM
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Don't tell her nothing. It's not her concern what's on your will for your kids. Let the lawyers read the will to her upon your and your dh's death. It will say your sister or whoever you decide. Mil will have no say in the matter.
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  #3  
August 1st, 2006, 06:39 PM
littleangel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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DH and I had this problem of not wanting to hurt anyone's feeling. the truth of the matter is in the end I don't care who's feeling I may have hurt as long as I know that my girls will be taken care of. So we finally agreed on 2 poeple the second one in case the first choice is unable to for some reason. We also have in there though that grandparents each get so much time a year, and will pay for any traveling and what not. This may sound mean or selfish but this is how we finally got it done...we realized we would be gone, we would not have to deal with it and our kids would be taken care of.
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  #4  
August 2nd, 2006, 05:22 AM
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I also wouldnt tell her. Does she know you are drawing up a will? I would just not tell her if she doesnt already know. Put who you want, who you feel comfortable raising your kids and leave it at that. If something were to happen (God Forbid!) then the kids would be taken care of and you wouldnt have to deal with MIL throwing a fit. And even if she did have her feelings hurt, there is nothing she can do to fight it because it is all in writting. If you put her name on it along with your mom's name, she could try to fight for sole custody since her name is on there and then squander all your money away and leave nothing left for your kids.


Good luck!!!
Casey
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  #6  
August 2nd, 2006, 09:18 AM
MinnesotaMommy
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I agree, just don't bring it up.
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  #7  
August 2nd, 2006, 12:29 PM
*Bry*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Don't tell her nothing. It's not her concern what's on your will for your kids. Let the lawyers read the will to her upon your and your dh's death. It will say your sister or whoever you decide. Mil will have no say in the matter.[/b]
That is great advice!
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  #8  
August 3rd, 2006, 09:20 AM
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Quote:
upon your and your dh's death.[/b]
LOL Sounds kinda funny
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  #9  
August 4th, 2006, 09:28 PM
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we are dealing with this right now as well. DH and I have decided that we are not telling anyone...my mom kind of knows that she is chosen, but we have not confirmed it. The reason being is that 2 years ago we decided that when we dedicated our son to God we were going to name God parents and they would be the ones that would raise him in the event that something were to happen to both of us.

The people we chose were not from either one of our blood families, they were a part of our church family. We wanted a Christian couple to raise our children, people who would support our faith and our beliefs while raising our kids. Well now we are in kind of a pickle bc since that time they have not shown us that they in fact are as interested as they claimed to be, they do nothing to meet up with our family to get to know them, even when invited, they have stopped regularly attending our church and the only reason they are still married is bc she refuses a divorce. So here is a couple who we have set aside for our children and now they are not going to be taking them in the event of something bad happening.

We also chose someone out of our family bc then it was a neutral party, no hurt feelings that one mom got them over the other. But since then, DH and I have talked and my mom is more responsible and can be trusted with the life insurance money that we have set aside for this situation. She is not in the same faith that we are, but we are trusting God in this case as we dont have anyone else to entrust our kids with. We will not be telling my MIL as it would really hurt her feelings, and quite frankly if something were to change down the road, we dont want to be stuck in the same position of telling someone they can have our kids and then it is not the case later on.

wow, you can tell I am preggo, sorry about the long novel....
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  #10  
August 6th, 2006, 12:19 PM
asianmama
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well hubby and me havent decided who is gonna take ashlyn and baby alex when we die... it probably be his mom because his mom is still young-- younger then my parents and in better health then my parents... i am quite sure he will not let me name one of my friends to take care of them.

if we get a divorce and i die then he will have the children and my aprents will probably fight him for vistation. if he dies then i will still have my kids
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  #11  
August 6th, 2006, 02:06 PM
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I cant stress how important it is to have a legal will regarding who has your children if you and your SO die at the same time. In most states and in even Canada... if you do not legally have it in your will - your children become the property of the state and go into fostercare. Very very scary!
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