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Inlaws and money


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  #1  
August 14th, 2006, 12:53 PM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 8,973
I'm so glad I found this board!!!

Quick background - the inlaws are constantly nosing around our business, particularly when it comes to finances. They don't know exactly what we make, and they have asked both direct and indirect questions trying to find out. We feel that it's none of their business, and don't want to deal with their reaction if they were to find out. They wouldn't just be happy for us that we're successful, they would be mad that we each make more than FIL ever did (moreso with me because I'm a girl and so much younger).

About 6 years ago, DH's sister and husband built a new house. The house is 2500 square feet, and very nice. They have 2 kids. For about a year, MIL and FIL made snide remarks about how it must be nice to have so much money, and they must be too good for us now, etc., etc. DH's parents are in very good shape financially, but they feel that their kids are all too young to have such things, and you should only be able to build a house like that after you've put in 40 years at the same job.

So MIL and FIL are coming to visit us at the beginning of Sept. We have to tell them that we're building a new house. The base model of the house is 2500 square feet, but we've added a few things and it's going to be 2800 square feet plus a developed basement. We're going to show them the plans at 2500 square feet and hope that they don't notice the extra square footage when the house is finished. I'm scared of their reaction, but at the same time I'm sick and tired of having to apologize for having nice things. MIL makes comments all the time about how things must not be good enough for me. I've never actually felt that way, it's just how she perceives things.

In all honesty, we don't *need* a house that big. We know we don't, and quite frankly, our building this house has more to do with the return on investment we will see than our actual need for it. But it's a beautiful home, and I want to be excited about it, but I feel that I have to downplay everything around them. I'm sure they'll also comment on why we would build a house that big for just the two of us. Even though they know we're ttc and plan on having children, they'll probably make those comments anyway - and make me feel even worse about not being pregnant yet.

Anyway, thanks for listening. If anyone has any advice, I'd be happy to try just about anything.
__________________
TTC #1:
5/20/05:
5/27/05:
5/28/05: miscarriage
08/27/05:
08/30/05: miscarriage
01/15/05: misdiagnosed with PCOS
08/29/06: first appt at fertility clinic (was already pregnant with dd and didn't know it)
08/31/06:
05/16/07: DD was born

TTC #2:
11/13/09: let's try again!
03/10/10: tests with new OB - everything totally normal for DH and I, no indication of pcos; officially diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility"
04/21/10 - 10/13/10: 7 unsuccessful rounds of clomid with OB
11/13/10 - 14/23/11: 3 unsuccessful IUI's with clomid at fertility clinic
07/27/11: ER for IVF - retrieved 27; 17 were mature enough to fertilize; all 17 fertilized; 11 made it to day 3 embryos; 6 made it to day 6 blasts. Transferred 1, froze 5.
08/08/11: positive hpt!
08/13/11 - 08/20/11: positive blood test (186), but cramping and bleeding. 2 days later, blood at 275; 2 days later, blood at 21. Inevitable miscarriage.
10/13/11: start suprefact for first FET
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  #2  
August 14th, 2006, 01:41 PM
mrsracatoe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,203
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I'm sorry that they are being this way. They really should be very happy that you and DH are being successful. They really need to be happy for you. How does DH feel about his parents acting this way? Have you talked with him about how you feel? I would start putting my foot down and tell them that you are really excited about this and that you want them to support both of you and for them to stop acting the way that they are. It is certainly none of their business what you and DH make. If you don't want to put your foot down all at one time start by firmly doing one thing at a time and make DH stick with you on it. Me personally, I would just express my feelings to them about how they act. Good luck!!! Let us know how things go!
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  #3  
August 14th, 2006, 02:08 PM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 8,973
Quote:
I'm sorry that they are being this way. They really should be very happy that you and DH are being successful. They really need to be happy for you. How does DH feel about his parents acting this way? Have you talked with him about how you feel? I would start putting my foot down and tell them that you are really excited about this and that you want them to support both of you and for them to stop acting the way that they are. It is certainly none of their business what you and DH make. If you don't want to put your foot down all at one time start by firmly doing one thing at a time and make DH stick with you on it. Me personally, I would just express my feelings to them about how they act. Good luck!!! Let us know how things go![/b]
Thanks for the response!

Normally, I would just flat out tell them how I feel/what I think. The problem is, that they won't say any of these things to our faces, or if they do, it will be in such a way that if we were to respond, we would be causing trouble/picking a fight and they would find a way to play the victim. It's hard to explain, but this woman is one of the best master-manipulators of all-time.

I was so surprised when I first discovered that they truly seem unhappy when any of their children are succeeding at something. MIL's favorite expression is "You have to want for something." She seems to be a far happier person when we're struggling with something. Like ttc - I think a part of her actually revels in the fact that it's taking us so long.

Thankfully, DH sees all of this behavior for exactly what it is. He hates it too, and doesn't make any excuses for his mom's behavior. (His dad doesn't really cause any trouble, he just does what MIL tells him)
__________________
TTC #1:
5/20/05:
5/27/05:
5/28/05: miscarriage
08/27/05:
08/30/05: miscarriage
01/15/05: misdiagnosed with PCOS
08/29/06: first appt at fertility clinic (was already pregnant with dd and didn't know it)
08/31/06:
05/16/07: DD was born

TTC #2:
11/13/09: let's try again!
03/10/10: tests with new OB - everything totally normal for DH and I, no indication of pcos; officially diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility"
04/21/10 - 10/13/10: 7 unsuccessful rounds of clomid with OB
11/13/10 - 14/23/11: 3 unsuccessful IUI's with clomid at fertility clinic
07/27/11: ER for IVF - retrieved 27; 17 were mature enough to fertilize; all 17 fertilized; 11 made it to day 3 embryos; 6 made it to day 6 blasts. Transferred 1, froze 5.
08/08/11: positive hpt!
08/13/11 - 08/20/11: positive blood test (186), but cramping and bleeding. 2 days later, blood at 275; 2 days later, blood at 21. Inevitable miscarriage.
10/13/11: start suprefact for first FET
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  #4  
August 14th, 2006, 02:51 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,469
Send a message via Yahoo to pinkpercolator
My IL's don't say much about money. But my mother she is big on knowing our finances. From time to time my mother will ask how much I get paid by the hour. Or how much does dh get for his disability. I tell mom it's none of her business how much money we make. If I told how much dh gets on his disability. She'd be very angry. Dh gets more than mom gets on her social security. But how much you get is based on how much you earned over the years by the hour. Dh made more by the hour than my father did. So naturally moms part along with what she gets on dads behalf even though he is deceased since 1999 is less than dh. But if we had to live on dh's disability alone. We'd not be able make all our living expense bills and by groceries. So when I wouldn't tell mom how much they pay me by the hour. She says I wonder if they pay you as much as the help at the senior housing she lives in. I said I don't know. How much do the food service workers there get paid ? Oh uh then pauses then says I don't know. I should of told mom well I don't get paid what I'm worth. I will not discuss finances with my mother. My mother is always telling me what to do with my money. When she asks about our money. I always tell her our money is not any of her business. So do not ask about it.
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  #5  
August 14th, 2006, 03:04 PM
babysmith's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: california
Posts: 2,780
I would just tell them what your building if they wanna be ##### about it them they dont have to be apart of what you and your dh are creating...

Your not here to please your inlaws, if you and your dh want a big house, then by all means go for it, dont feel guilty because you want something and your gonna get it...

Hope it all works out for you..... <huggs>
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