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His parents hate me, I hate them.


Forum: Inlaws

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  #1  
February 18th, 2008, 08:56 AM
seahorse_3's Avatar I have an oil for that!
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I keep telling him as well as myself, I married HIM, NOT, THEM. But everyone tells me that reality says no you married them all! Is this true? I don't think I could stand the rest of my life being 'married' to his parents.. They were good with me until they saw that I wasn't going anywhere and thus started doing whatever they could to ground him, keep us separated. They verbally bashed me amongst themselves as well as to my husband (then boyfriend), behind my back or in front of it. They have said some wicked things against me, AND my mother! Like she ever did anything wrong.

His parents, his dad mostly, have been the root of a lot of our worser arguments, and I'm worried that maybe I just can't handle it till death due us part. How does one deal with such issues?? I don't want to let them come between us, but my husband is obviously not okay with just leaving them out of our lives like I'd wish, so how so I be the one to bend even though they've forever shattered what relationship we could've had and? The very thought of them makes me heat up with anger... To be honest I'm sickened that they're coming out to see us once the baby is born. I don't even want to let his dad come anywhere near my daughter. *sigh* How how how??
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  #2  
February 18th, 2008, 06:20 PM
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you absolutely cannot ask him to not include them wholeheartedly in your lives.. and you'd be putting him down to do so. Even if he looks nothing like them, acts nothing like them, talks nothing like them, thinks nothing like them.. he IS a product of them, and therefore, they are a HUGE part of him. Asking him to deny them is asking him to deny himself or make himself feel like a lesser person. In a very large and real way, it's putting him down to put them down.

The honest and best way to deal with it is to never tell him your real feelings on them. Obviously when they put you down it needs to be dealt with. There's certainly NO reason to let them walk all over you.. but it needs to be done tactfully.. such as an e-mail stating that they hurt your feelings, that you're part of their family now, and that you'd really like to make it all work out. I KNOW that is hard to swallow.. trust me.. but it's the only thing that is fair to them.

I would also sit your husband down and talk to him earnestly.. tell him how you feel about the things they've said (NOT about the people they are.. I would never put them down to him. It's mean and rude.. no matter what you're thinking on the inside) and that you'd appreciate it if he would stand behind you. Express interest in including them in your family, but tell him you absolutely won't do it at the expense of letting them put you down.. especially with a baby on the way. He should understand that.. you NEVER want your child to see you as weak, or see that it's "okay" for others to say rude things about you.

Mostly, don't stress it when you're pregnant. There's not a ton you can do about it right now, other than rational talks and discussions of emotions.. so I'd keep it to that..

and then there's always praying that you can move 10 states away
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  #3  
February 18th, 2008, 06:37 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry they treat you like that. You're right that you didn't marry them, but they are part of the package. They are his mommy and daddy so a good rule to follow is to never say anything about them that you would be upset if he said the same thing about your parents. This is a great place to vent about your true feelings There are obviously some things that you can't let go, just be sure to pick your battles. I would go ballistic if they ever hurt my child physically or emotionally and I absolutely wouldn't put up with them talking negatively about you to your children or the like. Good luck with everything!
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  #4  
February 19th, 2008, 04:40 PM
seahorse_3's Avatar I have an oil for that!
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Quote:
and then there's always praying that you can move 10 states away [/b]


Actually, we already did! lol. We lived in Washington and he got a really great job here in Hawaii, so this is where we are now. But honestly it's NO EASIER. I can't stand being the bigger person in this situation because it's so much worse, it's amazingly horrible. Even if I completely kiss their butts (and in the beginning it was genuine) it didn't make a difference. His dad is not a good person, and his mom and I used to be close but after I tried going to her after a huge fight my husband and I had, we will never have a relationship again. I can bite my tongue and talk to his dad but and I can be polite to them because never have I been rude to EITHER of them, but I don't get how it's fair for me bottle my emotions inside and walk on egg-shells just to keep my husband from knowing my true feelings. I don't think that my telling him what I think about his parents is putting him down, because I always make it perfectly clear that he's a better person because of it, and he's going to be an amazing father because he knows what he never got from his father growing up. My husband is amazing, but I don't freely share my opinions of his parents with him out of nowhere, I only share when probed, which he does do quite often. He tries to push them onto me and that's not what he should be doing at all. He especially doesn't understand that while I'm pregnant, that is NOT OKAY. I think that if my husband would just humor me during my pregnancy everything would fix its self when she gets here. I think that a major reason why I can't get past this and just brush them off my shoulder is because he's never stood by me and he's never stood up for me, and I've felt 2nd best to everyone throughout our relationship and our marriage. I don't think I'm asking for too much at all.
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  #5  
February 19th, 2008, 05:38 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You right that you should come first for him before anyone even his parents. The hard part is that you can tell him that and he may not hear you. It's a delicate issue. At least they can't pop in unannounced! I'm so grateful for that, we live in IN and they live in AZ. The worst part of that is that when they do come it's for awhile because they have to come so far. I hope things get better for you and your DH listens to what you've got to say.
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  #6  
February 19th, 2008, 06:16 PM
seahorse_3's Avatar I have an oil for that!
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I already ruled out the option of them staying with us, not that they treated it as an option to begin with but I definitely would have put my food down. lol. They're staying in a resort close to our place though I wonder how much time they actually plan on spending with US. They're treating it like a vacation for themselves so we probably won't see them very much anyway. *sigh of relief*


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