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DH and I had a big fight about the ILs today. Well, not about all the ILs, just about his mother.
His opinion, in a nutshell:
"If my mother says something that hurts your feelings you need to stop being so sensitive and stop taking it the wrong way. She's stupid. We all know she's stupid. And she's a drunk. So if she says something you can't take it at face value, just ignore her. I am sick of you saying stuff about her, and I think you're wrong to be offended/hurt/insulted/whatever by what she says."
My opinion, in a nutshell:
"I don't give a flying rat's arse how you defend it, there's no excuse for being mean to another person. I don't care if you're drunk when you say it, you STILL SAID IT and need to take responsibility for it. And furthermore, instead of you telling me I'm wrong to feel bad when your mother does/says something mean, you should be defending the mother of your child and your wife, instead of telling me what a pain in the arse I am being."
So, as you can imagine, it didn't go well.
I'm sure this won't be the last time we'll visit this lovely topic. The trouble is, I can see his point - she IS stupid, and a drunk, and that explains a lot of what comes out of her mouth. BUT, I still think that he needs to start stepping up and defending me, because we're a family, and we should be showing a little more loyalty to each other, and not to our parents. I told him that he has an opportunity to say to his mother things like "Actually I think you should try this appetizer Jilly brought. She's made it before and it's really good, maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised!" or "Let's not go there, please, I know it makes Jilly feel bad and I don't want her to feel bad." But he won't -- instead he just sits there while his mother insults me, and then on the way home tells me I'm overreacting or that it's stupid for me to take it that way. I'm not telling him to cut her off, or ignore her, or hate her, just to speak up and defend me a bit when she does or says something mean.
I would love to have a good relationship with her... It's tough though when it seems like I'm the only one. DH wants to play ostrich with his head in the sand and pretend like he can fix me, instead of realizing it takes both me AND MIL to keep this weird strained relationship going on. If he wants to start pointing fingers, he can point them at her as much as at me (I'm not going to say I have been a saint - there's probably situations I could have handled better in the past.) I feel like DH and I need to show more of a united front and be a stronger partnership, and not be afraid to "rock the boat" when we have the opportunity to defend each other's feelings.
It was pretty frustrating... All I can do is keep on trying to make him see the light, so to speak, and keep on defending myself. Hopefully the cojones I grew during pregnancy that are allowing me to speak up and defend myself now will stick around after the baby is born!
Just needed to vent I guess... you girls are always awesome listeners!
I know how you feel, I had a BIG problem with that for a long time! My husband is a big mama's boy and he never wanted to step on her toes. She's not a drunk though, just stupid and mean, lol! But it didn't matter what she did or said, he would ALWAYS defend her, it got on my nerves sooo bad that he would take up for her and leave me out in the cold. I finally just had to grow a pair and start saying how I felt to her. He finally, after many fights, realized I wasn't backing down and would eventually say something really bad if he didn't butt in. So, now he got the hint and takes up for me! It took about 3 years but at least he finally got the hint. IL's SUCK!
I think that you are right. He SHOULD defend you!!!! You ARE his wife..the mother of that baby, and his best friend!!!!!!!!!!! Who cares if she is a drunk....or stupid??!!?!?!?! Does that make your feelings of less value just because of her??!!?!?!?! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are completely right. Everything you said is right. He needs to start sticking up for you. And all those things are good excuses but in my book, there is no excuse for being rude or mean to someone. Stupidity and drunkeness do not give you a free pass to do whatever you want. Good luck talking to DH. I hope he sees the light soon!