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All to often of an arguement....


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  #1  
March 17th, 2008, 12:26 PM
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SPANKING...............

Spankings are rare in my home. The kids would have to do something drastic (such as my son's VERY dangerous climbing phase). My DH isn't opposed to it, because he was spanked and said it kept him in line. However he stands by me and avoids it when at all possible. Even so, the "spanks" my kids get are just enough to get their attention. Never on bare skin, never with force.

I wouldn't have a huge issue with it, if I knew DH's family didn't take it too far. They know full and well.... DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY CHILD IF YOU DON"T WANT MY HANDS ON YOU 10X'S HARDER. And thats because they can't be trusted to just give a "little swat or pop".

With my nephews, it's out of control. Both the boys parents and the grandparents go way too far. Hands on various parts of the body, belts, cooking spoons...... Or anything within reach. If the kid punched them, they don't hold back and would full out punch them right back. Or kick. Just use your imagination and they've probably done it. Their spanks aren't normal either......... It's hands swing high, hard and repeatedly.... I've seen them go so far as to pull down thier pants and IMHO BEAT them..... 8-10 hard hits...... That would honestly bring my adult self to tears if it were happening to me!

So no...... If you didn't bring my child into this world, I just may take you out if you lay a hand on my babies.

But for some reason, they still think they can get away with it and nothing will be done! But hello! My kids can talk people and will tell if it happens. Yes, I did tell the kids over and over to EVER let me know if someone hits them. However if something happens and I'm not there, MIL will deny it was a "spanking" but just a lillte pop on the hiney. I NEVER WILL BELIEVE HER........ Which is completely besides the point anyways. They are MY children and I said NO PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT. I've been VERY clear......... If you can't disipline my children without getting physical, thats fine, just tell me and you won't be alone with them ever. I won't hate you for it, I'm just happy to know before hand..... Then there won't ever be a dang issue.

What do you all think? Am I being too over protective? DH thinks so..... He says our kids are nothing like my horrible nephews, so the IL's would never "have" to go as far as they do with our nephews. I highly disagree. I have seen that woman SCREAM at my kids over the tiniest things. And it's scary! What would have come next if I werent there? Geeze..... Even taking them to time out is scary from her, the way she will jerk them around or roughly handle them.
I won't let them stay over there for long if we're not with them or my FIL isn't there. Cuz when he's home, he's in charge of the kids and they just run all over him. Not the best, but hey, at least I know my children aren't getting beat.

Now............... Some very close friends of mine, basically family, have just paid for us to go on a cruise in June (my BFF and her parents.). Dh and the kids are staying behind. Well, it's a week long cruise and so while DH is at work, the kids will be with MIL........ I need to make myself VERY clear before then...... Because I just found out about the cruise yesterday and was up all night crying last night over this. It's still 3 months away, and I am already crying for my kiddo's well being.

What do I do??????????????????? Cuz I am freaked enough that I am about to cancel the cruise on my end. I don't want to, it will be my first one ever....... But hello, my kids are WAY more important. And I can't imagine being away and not being there for them if something were to happen like this.
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  #2  
March 18th, 2008, 12:49 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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First, you are the parent, you set the rules. If that's how you feel, then they need to respect that. If you know that they don't respect your wishes then you've got a reason to be upset and I would be scared too! Is there anyone else that can watch them? You haven't mentioned your family at all. Is there a possibility of someone coming to stay with them for the week? Or maybe a family friend. In the end, if you are going to be so worried the whole time, you wouldn't even have fun on your trip, especially since you can't call and check on them when you are on a cruise (unless you want to pay really big bucks!). Good luck making your decision! I would never leave my child with my ILs for more than a few hours and then only if my FIL is around, so I know how you feel. When he was younger I wouldn't even do that. They offered over and over to babysit when we went to visit them so that DH and I could have a night out, but I didn't take them up on it because I would have never enjoyed it because I would have been worried about him the whole time (the reason I worry is because my MIL is crazy and I'm worried about her accidentally doing something stupid, she's just as likely to forget she's watching him!). You're a great Mom and you will make the best decision for your kids' well being. Trust your gut!
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  #3  
March 19th, 2008, 02:14 PM
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Thanks for responding. Yeah, my gut is still very nervous right now.

My entire family lives in Michigan. I moved down here "temporarily" 6 yrs ago...... Well, it didn't remain temporary once I fell in love and then fell preggo. So yeah, my family is out of the question for this one.

And thats the issue with friends....... I don't exactly have any. We have "friends" who we go out with. But they are all party creatures, not family folk I guess you'd say.

I dunno. DH says everything will be fine, that he's going to be sure his mother stays in line. I actually got the gull up the other day to say something to her about my worries on the phone and towards the end of the conversation realized she was drinking through the ENTIRE convo and was definately drunk by the end of it. So no question, it will have to be brought up AGAIN, as she doesn't ever remember convos from when she'd been drinking. How dang fustrating is that?????? Specially when she promised me NO spanking and NO drinking if my kids were there.

I plan to discuss this with some other members of DH's family. Maybe they can pick the kids up for playdates or something with cousins while I am gone. I know they can't keep the kids, but playdates might be possible. There is only one family member of his family I would TRUST 100%........ but they recently took in 4 kids from the wife's family, raising their household to 8 now. Oh lordy. So yeah, I'd say they are no longer a possibility.
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  #4  
March 20th, 2008, 08:59 AM
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I don't know your family's situation, but my family doesn't live nearby either but my mom would jump at the chance to take some vacation time to come babysit. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. I hope that you can work things out so you can go on your cruise. It's my favorite type of vacation so I know you'd have tons of fun! Hugs!
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  #5  
March 20th, 2008, 11:31 AM
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Normally my mom would be the same way. But she got a job recently working in an assisted living facility and really loves it. She's not up for vacation time off yet and doesn't want to risk losing her position. And unfortunately she would have been my only option in my family. (Also, since we are TTC and I am high risk, she wants to save any time possible to use in case something should happen again. With my son I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then he was in the NICU for 2 months.)
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  #6  
March 20th, 2008, 03:51 PM
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I, personally, would find someone else to watch them. It's just too tricky of a situation.. if there's any doubt in your mind that they might hit your children, I wouldn't do it.
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  #7  
March 20th, 2008, 07:36 PM
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I understand. I hope you can work something out so you can take your trip.
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  #8  
April 2nd, 2008, 09:24 AM
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Wow...just wow...I can definitley say that you're NOT over-reacting to this situation and I can totally understand why you don't want to leave your kids with them. I'm sorry that your DH doesn't see the gravity of the situation, but can partially understand it because he obviously grew up in that type of environment. I would certainly look into alternate childcare. There has to be a daycare center, nanny, or babysitting service that you could use for a week. Start looking for one now so that you can be sure that something/someone that you trust will be watching your kids.

I work fairly closely with our state's youth and family protective services and can tell you that you and DH could be held liable if someone were to report your MIL's behavior (because you knew it was happening and still allowed your children to be in that environment). This of course is worst-case scenario, but it's still scary to think about and know that it could happen. All it takes is a teacher seeing a bruise or your child talking about it to someone else...

You are definitely correct in being protective of your children. Good luck in this situation, it's a tough one. In the end, you need to do what you're comfortable with and what's best for your kids and family.
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  #9  
April 7th, 2008, 02:54 PM
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I'd cancle the cruise if I couldn't find other child care arrangements. Hitting with spoons and belts, punching back, kicking... That's abuse, pure and simple. Obviously your in-laws don't see it as that and they're going to darn well do what they please while they are in charge of your kids. And your mother-in-law has a drinking problem and will probably continue drinking while she has your kids too.

It's not a good situation or an easy choice. Good luck!
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  #10  
April 10th, 2008, 09:46 AM
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Thank you all for your replies! Sorry, I haven't been on lately, for some reason this site runs so slow for me.

I have talked to DH about this in great lengths lately. He's finally understanding. I basically had to say "You know how they made you feel then.... Do you want our children dealing with the same things???" It kinda openend his eyes.
The deal with MIL, is as long as she doesn't get overwhelmed, she's great with them. It's once she has them too often, too long, their behaving badly, etc..... Thats when her behavior gets to be no longer acceptable.

So I have talked to the workers at a nearby hourly daycare center and will arrange for the kids to be there a couple hours every other day. This will allow MIL to run her errands and not lug around my kids. DH's aunt has agreed to pick the kids up and/or bring her grand daughter over to play with the kids, giving MIL more of a break. DH is going to take one day off work, so is my FIL.
So I am getting a bit more comfortable with it. I know what her limits are and will just keep her on the right side of them. I am going to be gone through the men's 5 days of work during the week, but 1 of those days DH will have them at home, FIL will be home with them another day, and through the 3 other days they can go to the day care for a couple hours and have DH's Aunt for a few hours. And every day when DH gets home from work he'll be taking the kids home.

What do y'all think? Do I seem to have my bases covered here enough?
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  #11  
April 10th, 2008, 07:23 PM
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That sounds pretty good. I'm glad that you've been able to come up with a solution that you are comfortable with. I might ask your DH to call on his lunch break or something each day that he's working to guage how things are going and maybe have an emergency plan in place in case things aren't going well. Someone who could be on call to help out in that case.
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  #12  
April 12th, 2008, 09:38 PM
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Quote:
That sounds pretty good. I'm glad that you've been able to come up with a solution that you are comfortable with. I might ask your DH to call on his lunch break or something each day that he's working to guage how things are going and maybe have an emergency plan in place in case things aren't going well. Someone who could be on call to help out in that case.[/b]
Ditto.
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  #13  
April 14th, 2008, 03:34 PM
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Oh yeah, Dh has promised to be checking up on the kids for me, and sometimes he even gets the opportunity to come home for his lunches. So It does seem that everything is coming together ok.

Dh still thinks I am over reacting a bit, but you know what I say to that? WHAT GOOD MOTHER WOULDN'T??? Even though she's not done to my kids what she has with my nephews, I also know it could be because I don't give her the opportunity.

I'm sure plenty of you are asking yourselves why I don't just cancel my trip? Very valid question.......... The trip was purchased for me from "extended family." (My best friend and her parents are taking me.) We've been TTC #3 for 7 months now, encountered 2 early losses and one tubal pregnancy ending in surgery. Now things are kinda up in the air with my fertility issues. It's just been a really rough go of it lately and they are doing this cruise for me, to give me some time away, to re-focus and to get some clarity. It will also be my first time ever away from my kids for any extended time.
So although I would normally not make plans just to avoid this dilemma, I just don't feel comfortable not taking this gift, this time that I so badly need. And Oooohhhh How sweet it will be!

Am I being selfish or compromising my children for my happiness?
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  #14  
April 14th, 2008, 08:34 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think it's fine for you to go if you feel comfortable with it and have plans in place to make sure things run smoothly. It sounds like you've got it all worked out and under control. Go have fun!
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