[Mommy_of_7_Angels]

I was raised a non-church-going Christian. In college, I really embraced Christianity and became very involved with the church and all that comes with it. (Though I stood apart from it in some beliefs.)

With adulthood though, I do not see how this "loving God" can let kids die at the hands of their parents, let kids be born addicted to drugs, let kids die from cancer and other horrible diseases. I don't see why He'd allow child abusers, molesters, druggies, to pop out kids like there's no tomorrow, yet I can't have ONE. Me, who rarely drinks, has never smoked, who's never done drugs, who wouldn't dream of harming a child. I have six dead babies at no fault of my own. I cannot comprehend a loving, just God being capable of that. It doesn't seem very loving and just to me.

Then there's the whole "pick your religion" thing. Choose the right ONE and of THOUSANDS over time or burn for eternity? Really?! Doesn't seem fair or just, does it?

But on the flip side, there's the fact that for 27 years, Christianity was all I knew. How do you get past that fear (because that's what it is) of burning in Hell? How do you get past the "what if I was right all those years and now I'm throwing it away? What if I'm tossing the chance to actually meet my babies and my brother some day?"

I'm so lost. I know this post ended up longer than intended but I've been bottling this up for almost 8 months and need to get it out. If you made it this far, thanks.

[Jenna]

Please don't feel badly for venting or for expressing yourself. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm sorry I don't have any magic words to make this easier for you. The idea of an afterlife is, from what I understand, one of the hardest things to let go of during a transition in belief. It's a lot to get used to.

Do you have a Unitarian Universalist church near you? If so, I'd really recommend giving it a try. UU had it's start in Christianity, but (loose description, as not every UU church and believer shares a belief system) it's more about the personal journey towards a truth, not so much about customs and set beliefs. Everyone is accepted there - more than 3/4 of their membership isn't Christian. It's a good place to go if you feel the need for fellowship or a sympathetic ear.

This journey is a tough one, but you are not alone.

[AmyMcLiz]

I was in a similar situation....I pulled away from religion when I was about 19-20 (although i was severely devout aka brainwashed before that time). It was DEFINITELY a process that took months, maybe even a year to fully turn over to agnostic/atheist (i'm still not sure where i stand 100%). I had dreams about demons pulling me into hell. But over time, it really became apparent to me that the more I distanced myself from the church, the less fear I had.

I think of it this way:

"If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout
you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by.

If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them.

If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones." - Marcus Aurelius

[Mommy_of_7_Angels]

Thanks ladies. I am definitely heading toward agnosticism it seems. I have yet the courage so say that to anyone other than my DH and you all. (In his words he "rerolled his religion stat" before me. )