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A man walked into a church, stepped into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father, I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
A young boy was in school and was having a terrible time with his mathematics. His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement. His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try a Catholic school but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as neither parent was religious. They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record, so they reluctantly enrolled their son in the new school.
Immediately the boy's maths marks soared. He went from a failing grade to becoming an A student. His parents were pleased but yet most surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement .
"Was it better teaching," they asked.
The boy said, "No the teachers are about the same."
"Was it a different text book?"
Again, the boy said, "No, it is the same text book."
Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.
The boy said, "The first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences."
The parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously.
The boy answered, "The first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy nailed to a plus sign."
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and it was good.
I missed one?
L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was an historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
The Nuns and the Vampire
Two nuns are driving at night in a swamp.
A vampire flys out of a shadowy stand of moss-covered trees and lands menacingly on the hood of their car. The nun who's driving says to the other nun, "Quick! Sister! Show him your cross!"
The second nun leans out of the window, grabs the vampire and screams, "GET THE #*%! OFF THE CAR!!!"
My Son is a ...
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle, "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...!'."