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Hey everyone, I'm new here, but I'm finally at wit's end and I need somewhere to vent about it. FF's forums are all paid, so I can't do it there. So here goes.
Just as some starting info, and for laughs anyway- I've never seen a positive pregnancy test (that I've dipped or dropped myself.) This is a true story. I'm a registered phleb and UI technician, so I've done hundreds upon hundreds of pregnancy tests in the last few years alone, and even on those -known- to be pregnant, I still came up with negatives on the sticks! I don't know if that's bad luck on my behalf or if I've always done it wrong, but it's never been an encouraging factor for me.
I'm 26 years old, I've been married to my best friend of fourteen years for over five, and we finally decided to go ahead with this and start a family last June. I've had a background history of PCOS and have been told in the past that I have a swollen fallopian tube, although, the tube thing was never confirmed. Because of the PCOS, I was put on the pill when I was 16, and I took it all the way until last June after my last pap. When I was 24, my gdoc at the time told me if I came off the pill and still had irregular cycles we would talk, because the definition of PCOS had changed so much in the last 8 or so years.
Little more background history--and this is don't judge please, zone. The way I discovered I had PCOS was because in high school I had a very abusive living situation, so I tried desperately to get pregnant so I could be emancipated from my family. I missed a number of periods, all with negative results, but my parents eventually found out and took me to the doctor to see if I was pregnant or not. Long story short, I got kicked out anyway, but was diagnosed with PCOS due to highly irregular cycles, abnormal and sometimes heavy and painful bleeding, and what seemed like infertility at the time. Now, at the time I considered that extremely lucky because I was able to get my life straightened out and go to college and settle into a much more normal situation.
Back to the point. Here we are again, June 2011 and nothing to show for it. I have my annual appointment on the 29th, which is a little later than last year, but... I'm at the point now where I'm ready to quit and go back on the pill, not so much for the birth control part anymore as it is just to get my periods regular, and get rid of this god awful PMS. There's no way I could ever afford to do any kind of fertility treatment past clomid or metformin or anything like that, and I'm not sure my insurance covers getting an HSG or an FS at all for that matter.
The part I need to vent about though, isn't so much that. I'm surrounded by babies. All of my friends had theirs at 24 within the last year. I go to walmart and almost every couple I see has a toddler bobbling around behind them. I hear about it day in and day out, see the pictures, and go home and cry. Last night while pumping gas, a lady walking across the street with a group of her friends was being abusive to a crying child; screaming and everything short of hitting the poor girl, and I broke down into tears. In the news there's nothing but stories about women doing horrible things to their kids, (the other day some lady microwaved her 28 day old) and I think-- why do these women deserve to have fertility and not me? What have I done in my lifetime that could possibly be worse than what they're doing now? It's hard not to think that way.
So I'm not sure anymore. Should I just go to the appointment, resign myself to never being a parent and go back on the pill for the rest of my life? Is it even worth trying past this? Should I even talk to her about options, even though I feel like there really are none? I just don't know anymore.
Anyway, thanks for listening to whoever got all the way through this sob-story.
I'm so sorry that you're struggling
I don't have the medical issues you have (not to my knowledge, anyway) so I can't relate to that.. but I would definitely keep your appointment and talk to you DR. Don't reign yourself to never becoming a parent, not yet. It's something you want, so keep fighting for that. Discuss your options and everything at your appointment- you never know what's covered, and what will work.. you know? It's always worth a shot to even just discuss it all. Hopefully, you'll come up with a game plan.
All of my friends (well, most of them) have children too. I'll be 32 this year. I waited much longer than most of them.. I know the struggles of that, see everyone have kids around you. And, seeing people reproduce who SHOULD NOT BE :/ I see that way too much. I understand.
I've been especially moody because I ended the most "perfect" cycle with nada. ...and the friends with kids don't help at all with their constant "OMG GET TO IT ALREADY." I haven't told anyone we're even trying because it's just depressing, especially on the months you make it to CD24 with no temp change. I'll be 27 in a few months, so I'm a few years older than most of them, but a few are my age.
Yeah, I know I should, I guess I'm just terrified of hearing "we can't do anything, sorry" or "wait longer and see what happens." I just know I'm going to get the later somehow. I'm glad there's someone out there willing to listen though!
Hugs... It is sometimes really hard to deal with what life throws at us. Keep your head up and KEEP trying. talk to your doctor...I use to work for Blue Cross Blue Shield for a few months back as temp work and I found out that if your doctor says you went for one thing and he is treating you this way then it might not be covered. but if he/she words it another way then it could be covered. Just talk to your doctor and it could be something simple that they didn't know back then like you aren't Ovulating right and there at pills that will help you. who knows many the pills will give you twins Don't ever stop trying for what you want. Good luck
Small back ground on me. I thought it was so easy to get pregnant because with DD I got pregnant the second we decided to start trying. well this time we tried for 7 cycles and finally got pregnant and we had a m/c. that was very hard on us both but we aren't going to stop there. We love our daughter even though this turning two thing and becomeing a toot has made me rethink having another. But we still want one. So don't stop. we get handed things that suck alot in life but you have done a great job by over coming being kicked out and going to college. you can get this too...just keep trying.
Lol call me a weirdo but I really don't want to wind up having twins, my older sister had a pair naturally after years of infertility treatments (yeah I guess it runs in the family, poo.) ..What's funny about that though is the twins she had without any meds, so I dunno! She has four now, it's pretty crazy.
Thanks so much for your kind words, I guess I kind of thought "hey how hard could it possibly be" like most people do, especially when all my friends seemed to get pregnant so fast, some of them without even trying.
I mean don't get me wrong, I'd try forever if being on the pill weren't so convenient, because it's not like it isn't a ton of fun, you know?
I think lots of women think it will happen quickly for them, I know I did. Most of my friends didn't have to try long. I'm only 6 months, and I know that's NOT a long time.. but it sure feels like it when you want something so bad. You know?
It feels like forever, I know. My older sister tried for 6 years (starting at 21!) before she had her #1, and I'm sitting here on my 12 months thinking "oh god that's going to be me." She didn't give up though.