[ninja_mommy]

I am so livid right now, I just feel like whining I am getting so frustrated with DH. We had a little chat this morning, meaning I brought up something that's bothering me. Let's back track a bit. This is our 4th/5th cycle post miscarriage and 8th month TTC overall. My body after m/c has just been bouncing all over the place with craziness. O'ing super early (CD 10 at one point) and two anovulatory cycles. So, last cycle I told DH if it wasn't it that I would lay off temping and OPK's this cycle.

I told him with all my cycle irregularity and everything else that to not really worry about it that we would need to do it at least every other day for a little while so I didn't worry about what was going on. For the past couple cycles I have been trying to spice things up with most things I can think of that aren't out of our personal comfort range. And frankly I'm sick of being the only one trying to do anything here, including initiating (which pisses the s**t out of me!)

Things were going well in what I hoping was my fertile/ovulatory time, but I had a cold and wasn't really temping. So, I can't be certain I did. I also used about 3 OPK's (because I had a few left) right around my peek EWCM time (which I didn't have a whole lot of.) I did get 2 OPK's that were so so close to positive, about 85-90% dark. If I had a surge, I clearly missed it, but I also know that you can't really be sure unless it's 100% or more, plus having that nasty chest cold then certainly could have pushed it back even though my body was getting ready.

So, this morning I had to ask him, "You know what it takes for me to get pregnant right?" and he snarkily replies "No, please tell me." Which I told him I know he was being sarcastic but reminded him I am only fertile a few days every cycle and that if I don't have the proper "stuff" (my code for EWCM) that it doesn't matter anyways because the sperm die. And then I just got really mad and told him not to worry that when I get pregnant we won't have to have sex again. (Low, I know.) To which he replied about how "sex is a chore." Which, I get what he means, but let's review: you told me not to do the stuff that narrows the time down, my body is going crazy, I've been spicing it up but you're not and you don't have to think about it all the time when almost literally half the people I know are PREGNANT! He doesn't carry the weight of the m/c, I do. I know it still hurts him, but when I see person A-K around me as far a long as I was supposed to be and they all know genders it's just a constant reminder to me.

So, conclusion, if you've made it this far. After this cycle I'm moving to NTNP for I guess as long as it takes to get pregnant. And with as random as my body is and his once a week, whenever he feels like it schedule, I'm guessing this is going to take awhile. I pray to God that I am really pregnant right now because I've just about lost it Thanks if you made it this far.

[SLP83]

I'm sorry you are so frustrated. I think most guys really just aren't capable of "getting it." I get upset with DH because sometimes it seems like he wants to DTD ANY TIME other than around O; He has said the same thing, that when it's time for O it just seems like work.

Maybe if you take a cycle or 2 to let him relax, he will be ready to really try again.
(or better yet, you don't need a cycle or 2 because you'll get your BFP this time!)

[Belita]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I honestly think I'd react and feel the same way as you were if I were in the same situation. I hope that you can find an arrangement that works for both of you.

[LoriLou35]

My DH has said the same thing about BDing being like work. So far he has still been a trooper, but I'm afraid if it takes us a long time to conceive he will get really burnt out. I think this is all pretty normal stuff for DH. Maybe they start to feel like they aren't "getting the job done" and are bummed about it. Men process things and express frustration differently than we do. Just remember that.

[Nicholle ttc]

I'm so sorry, I would be so frustrated right now if DH did that to me. Sometimes men really don't get what we have to go through the struggle we go through just ttc. I hope that he takes the time to really think about what he said and think about ttc from your perspective. Hopefully he just needs to cool off! Hopefully this is your cycle and you get your BFP soon!

[Kissthegirl]

Nena, praying this is your cycle. TTC is so tough on both parties. I do feel that women wear it more, but men have a hard time too. I'm sorry this is getting so frustrating and I can totally relate. After we had our chemical back last Sept., Joel wasn't as eager at all anymore to try, and so I just left him be. I can remember in Nov. he was like, "Baby, are you Oing yet?" and I told him, "Oh, that was last week." and that really hit him that I just didn't tell him that cycle to see if he even cared & to let him have time. He realized then that he was ready again b/c of our "lost chance" that cycle of not trying... so in December he was ALL about it. I mean asking me about EVERYTHING. Now, he's the one pulling me into the bedroom to try, and doing whatever he needs to help things on his end (taking those new vitamins from GNC) and all. And I really think it's all b/c I just pretty much threw my hands up at the end of Sept. and let him come around when he was ready, b/c that chemical truly hurt him too.

[RunningMommyTo3]

(((hugs))), Nena! That is such a tough position for you to be in and I know it is so hurtful. I wish I had some great advice to offer you, but I know you've heard it all before, so I'll just offer up a ton of support to you and prayers for you. It sounds like both of you are getting emotionally and physically burnt out. Maybe a couple of cycles of NTNP will be what you need to recharge and refresh your marriage and relationship. I really sucks that the one thing that's supposed to bring marriages closer together (bringing a new life into the world and growing your family) can also be a source of so much stress, anger, and hurt in a marriage. I know personally that DH and I went through that. He got stressed out and felt like it was a "chore" eventhough I, like you, tried to make it anything but. And I was angry and hurt at him that he'd let his condition get so bad that it affected his fertility. I pray that you and DH get through this with a stronger relationship and can find a happy medium that works for both of you. I also hope that you are already pregnant!!!

[ninja_mommy]

I will talk to him tonight and explain more, but it's all stuff I've said before.
-I'm struggling with my body to regulate.
-See millions of preggos
-Miscarriage
-Keeping it as spontaneous as possible and not bringing up any other details.

I just don't know what more he wants.

[swtneka]

I'm sorry u r going through this. Sometimes men just don't understand. He probably is taking this ttc thing as cavalier as u think. Men sometimes have a hard time expressing like we do. I pray that u r preg this cycle so u n dh can get back to t the good part.

[BabyX]

Hugs to you Nena. I must say that I totally understand what you are going through w/ DH. It seems like all of the ladies above have the good advice covered, so I would pretty much ditto all of their comments. I would just like to offer you my support, and to let you know that there are other women out there who understand the frustrations you are facing w/ DH.

[-Brandy-]

Nena I understand completely. DH and I have had the conversation about what it takes to get pregnant multiple times. When AF came the cycle before last dh knew how upset I was and told me that cycle (#7) was going to be our cycle, but by the time O came around he was sick (so was I) and wasn't really in the mood so we hadn't bd'd for 2 days before I O'd. So of course AF came again at the end of cycle #7 and he told me next month would be our month and I unloaded on him. I told him to quit telling me this month would be our month if he wasn't willing to put the work in when it came time. We also decided he would go get a SA done after this cycle if I don't get pregnant. So far it seems he has his "game face" on but we are only a week into my cycle...so only time will tell.

Sorry, didn't mean to steal your thread- just wanted to let you know that I definitely feel your pain!

[bexbex81]

Im so sorry you are going through this hunny......men can be such idiots at times

maybe if our oh could find a place like JM to Vent/share thoughts/ask questions they wouldnt go insain, but then i guess men wouldnt want to open up and talk to other men, as we all know a mans ego and pride can sometimes get in the way hehe

Just wanted to give you big hugs and keep my fx this is your month x

[kayakr]

Hi Nena – boy I could write a book about this issue. I want you to know that I have been in your exact same shoes and still am sometimes. I know you know this already, but let me just say it cause I am wordy.  First of all – men are black and white. You tell them something and they want to fix it. Well this isn’t something that is easy to fix and that frustrates them. Unless they ask, they probably don’t want to hear about EWCM or our bodies being wacky. I think, well I know, when our emotions are high and bodies are out of whack and hormones are doing the talking we confuse the crap out of them. They just look at us and try to figure out a way to fix whatever the immediate issue is. Most of the time they think listening for an hour and then ignoring it and hoping it goes away was fixing it (at least till next time we freak out again). Remember – they are simple. I don’t mean that in a bad way either. We are complicated and they are simple. So I think sometimes we take their simple thoughts and complicate them because that’s what we do. WE CAN’T HELP IT.
Okay with that said, what you need to do is have one conversation with him. Just one! About one thing. Ready?????.... Say – honey, I don’t want to stress you out about ttc anymore. I do, however, want to keep trying. Unless you ask me, I won’t tell you what is going on with each cycle. I will use my friends and the message board and people that I can talk to so that I don’t stress you out. Now, I need something from you. What I need is from you is to NOT to turn me down when I make the moves on you. I need you to active participate in just loving me and that means lots of snuggles and bding when I make the moves. Now just cause I make the moves on you, that doesn’t mean I am Oing, but it could.
Now from my own experience, he will have enough stress lifted off of him that he will begin to make the moves on you again all on his own. So by addressing the above you won’t have to address that he isn’t making the moves on you enough. Does that make sense? It really works, I promise. The stress gets to them too so they don’t want to bd, the stress gets to us so we want to bd so we don’t miss a chance. So really all you need is complete participation physically. Emotionally – he just isn’t equipped to handle it the way we need.
So you guys need to not fight, even if that means you have to overlook stuff, and be back on the same team that wants the same results – a BFP. Just because you are on the same team though doesn’t mean he needs to know all the game plan, nor does he want to. Now later if you come to a point where you have to move to more medical help, you will want him/need him to be on board. So the better you get at this phase the better it will be IF you need to further help.
Trust me – I totally understand you will need to talk about it with DH sometimes. But try and leave the crazy hormone, panic, desire to get BFP that freaks them out, out of it. Super hard I know. Trust me, I think about TTC 24/7 Day and night. DH thinks about it only when he has too. That is how he stays sane and we stay sane by talking/thinking/searching/obsessing/panic/learning - you get the point
Some will disagree with my tactic, but it has worked for me. Remember the end result isn’t about being right or wrong, just being on the same team. So you have to do what you can do make that happen so you can get your BFP and have his participation.

[shannaj]

HUGS. I am so sorry you aren't getting the support and cooperation you need. I think that is a frustration many of us feel, so vent to us all you want...we get it!

I really hope you get your BFP this month, but agree that taking even one month off ( we all know how long one month is!!!) might be what you both need to get back on track. Fingers crossed this is your month for a sticky bean!

[Wishinfor2ndblessing]

Im so sorry hun!!! I know what you mean about always having to initiate being intimate. I do with DH and your right.. having to initiate 100% does piss you off... I know it frustrates me. I have actually gotten the "I have a headache" excuse. REALLY?!?! or the "Im tired", like I'm not?!?! I wish I could give you a hug irl, everything will work out hun...

[-Brandy-]

Originally Posted by Wishinfor2ndblessing

I have actually gotten the "I have a headache" excuse. REALLY?!?! or the "Im tired", like I'm not?!?!

LOL- you too? My response to that is usually to tell my husband that he is apparently the woman in our relationship!

[rlh27]

I'm sorry, Nena. I don't have anything to add, but I wanted to send my support. I hope DH figures things out soon.

[wingqueen26]

I am like a dog with a bone when TTC, thankfully we conceived this cycle and I pray pray pray this bean sticks because what I put that man through to get to this point, is hard and no wonder he can't stand being around me sometimes. There is nothing natural about TTC. By the way, after Adele, my cycles produced very little CM, so I used pre-seed, and lookie here! I am preggers. PRE-SEED IT SISTER, and maybe your window off opportunity can widen.

[Wishinfor2ndblessing]

Originally Posted by -Brandy-

LOL- you too? My response to that is usually to tell my husband that he is apparently the woman in our relationship!

Yep, and normally say the same time, or tell him to man up lol

[ninja_mommy]

kayakr- Thanks for the helpful advice. The thing is I haven't stressed him out with the talk of stuff the last 3 cycles. I mean, I told him my body was whacking out because I had to go to the OB have an u/s and blood work.

I swear if we didn't DTD when he wanted to because I was tired, not into or otherwise we would probably never have sex! I'm still fuming at him and there are a couple other things that go into that. I just can't believe any guy would say that BD'ing a chore. I'm not asking that much, we're already using Conceive Plus. I just want to punch him and honestly not have sex with him for awhile