[lunaverde]

I didn't know what a rainbow baby was until I looked it up a few days ago. I haven't been a regular on a mommy forum in forever so I wasn't aware that a lot of lingo had changed. Of course when I looked up what it meant, I started crying because that was how I felt about the (hopefully) soon-to-be conceived baby of mine.

Anyway, I wanted to give you guys a little bit of background and ask if it would be disrespectful to consider my TTC a "rainbow baby" too? I have not had a m/c to my knowledge, but I have been through a lot of crappy things that would make having another baby a new beginning for me and my family. The rainbow after the storm our lives have been for three years.

In March of 2009, my family had just moved into a new rental house. My brother, who was going through a very messy break up was living with me, as were his two boys. I was taking care of four kids during the day, working 50+ hrs/week and thought things in our life could only get better. I was very, very wrong. I walked into my son's bedroom one day during that March and found my DD on the bed in a not so good position with all the boys staring at her.

I freaked out! I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse, so I absolutely knew something was wrong with what she was doing. Long story short, found out my FIL (DH is not my DD's bio father, btw) had been molesting my DD for over a year!!

I broke. I hated myself for not protecting my precious baby. I drank, my depression worsened. I started sinking deeper into this dark hole. I almost killed myself a few times and had to be hospitalized so I could stabilize. The only things keeping me going were my family. My DH, the kids, that was the only reason I kept fighting because I just wanted to give up because I knew I was a failure and everyone would be better off without me. I felt so horrible, so guilty! This situation caused a huge breach between DH's family and ours. MIL wanted to know when the trial was going to happen, what did we know, etc. I wanted to slap her because it wasn't like I had any control over the situation and she was just making it that much more stressful.

Fast forward to September 2011. The trial began and ended three days later. FIL was found not guilty because there was no evidence, MIL testified on his behalf. They both said it was MY fault, I was the bad mother. He was a military police officer, of course there wasn't any evidence! Found out from my DH's extended family that FIL had molested MOST of my DH's cousins over the course of 25+ years, both girls and boys. Extended family hates FIL, but MIL still protected him, defended him and then basically told us it was time to "get over it". Said she didn't believe anyone and that she didn't understand why Child Protective Services had told us that FIL could NEVER see DS again. In their mind, since the accusation came from my DD, my in-laws think they should be able to see my DS too. CPS said no way, never again or else you will lose your kids.

Trial's over. Cut out DH's family from our lives, I just cannot with them anymore. I cannot trust them and if I do end up conceiving they will NEVER see that child, except for maybe in pictures. We had it out on Facebook where I basically told her she would never see us again and I wanted to know what her excuse was for defending a child molester! Never got a response from that.

So yes, there were times when DH and I were NTNP during all the trials of the last three years. I got my IUD out in February of 2010. I thought it would take me about a year to conceive from that point. Of course the following year I started having symptoms of PTSD with flashbacks, body memories and anxiety attacks stemming from my own traumatic childhood so I think that probably kept me from conceiving because of how much stress I was under.

With the help of my therapist, I have pushed through all of that. I have got past a lot of anger I had and started cutting out the abusers in my life, I'm having to relearn how to cope. I still deal with depression because I don't want to be medicated. I want to do this on my own and part of that was getting my hormones back into balance with the hope that it would return my fertility.

I know rainbow babies are normally for women who have gone through a m/c. I mean no disrespect to them because I can sympathize with going through a traumatic time. I feel like it's time for our lives to continue, we were in limbo for so long waiting for that trial, and part of moving forward for me is expanding our family like we have always planned.

thank you for taking the time to read my story. I didn't share for sympathy, but because I want to show that no matter the storm, no matter how hard it seems to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you can't stop fighting. Life does get better. I am glad I held on and didn't give up. I wouldn't be here for my kids if I had and that more than anything makes me happy that I will get the chance to see them grow up.

[Ravado]

Crap, now I am crying. I think you can think of your upcoming BFP as a rainbow baby. I mourn the loss of your child hood and that of DD and shame on your MIL. I am glad you have been able to move on with your life and wish you nothing but happiness in the future. None of it was your fault; NONE of it. My heart goes out to you and your family.

[ninja_mommy]

That all sounds like such a trying point at your life. You do what feels right and I don't think others who've suffered a m/c would be upset at the use of the term rainbow baby. It doesn't have to mean only for women with m/c. And you are not claiming to have had one.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave.

[Lucky Mama]

I am in tears!

Sweetie, my heart aches for you, but at the same time I feel so inspired that you were able to overcome such overwhelming adversity and suffering. Your strength is awe-inspiring! Your kids are blessed to have you for their mother. Your DH could not ask for a better wife and mother for your future baby, your rainbow baby!

Lots of hugs, hon.

[lunaverde]

Thank you all! I had seen the term used around and got curious and then well, I didn't want anyone to be offended if I suddenly started using it. I think the world of you ladies on this board and I know you all didn't know my history.

It's been hard road, but one I am very glad I am on the other side of and one I would never wish on anyone.

You are all so very sweet! I cannot get over how amazing you ladies are.

[MAS1313]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you and your DD have been through such awful things in your life. It is so sad that these child molesters can get away with things like that. Disgusting actually.
I am so glad you were able to pull through this a stronger person and be the great mother and protector of your family that you ARE
Having been someone that has gone through a m/c I do not mind that you would call this new little one a rainbow baby Baby's give new life and such hope for the future

[mal91011]

Thanks for telling us your story. I'm horrible at saying the right words, but the other ladies have done a wonderful job at that. I'll just give this

[lunaverde]

Originally Posted by MAS1313

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you and your DD have been through such awful things in your life. It is so sad that these child molesters can get away with things like that. Disgusting actually.
I am so glad you were able to pull through this a stronger person and be the great mother and protector of your family that you ARE
Having been someone that has gone through a m/c I do not mind that you would call this new little one a rainbow baby Baby's give new life and such hope for the future

Yes, I am beyond disgusted he got away with it. I wanted justice for all the victims who suffered in silence for years. There were so many of DH's cousins whose parents said nothing because they didn't want to rock the boat We didn't get justice, but I hope he is too terrified to ever touch another child because I doubt he would be so lucky the next time. If that is all that happens out of this, then it's enough that we protected someone from him!

I am sorry about your m/c. I am glad we can both of us move forward with our lives though. I know both of us will see a BFP soon. I know we will because we have had a time of sadness and our time for joy is just around the corner!

[Lucky Mama]

If someone did that to my child, I would to what you did: not only try to rock the boat, but capsize the **** thing.

More hugs to you, friend. You are such an example of strength.

[H_Hplus1]

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through so much. Even though the trial didn't turn out as you hoped, the fact that you fought for what was right will mean so much to your DD for many years to come. My sister was raped by a" family friend" when she was 14. My parents didn't want to deal with courts and trials and so had her keep quiet about the whole incident. Years later she was still dealing with it...she never got over not having any support and letting her deal with it on her own. She's doing well now but has a poor relationship with our parents.

Hope you get your rainbow baby soon. Baby's have a way of making the world seem right if you know what i mean

Hugs

[lunaverde]

Oh Brittney, I hope your bb girls never have to go through anything like this. No mother should have to feel that kind of agony. When my DD told me what happened, my heart shattered. I screamed like I have never screamed before. It was a sound of pure pain. I NEVER wanted her to have to go thru this. I had promised her I would always protect her. I still feel like I let her down, but I realize now that my FIL was manipulating everyone and had been for years, I was betrayed and it wasn't my fault I trusted him. He was my FIL after all.

I had to stop my DH from killing him. As much as I wanted revenge and retribution for my DD, I couldn't let my DH live with that. I needed my DH with me, not in prison. Ugh, that was a hard time. I am so glad it's over and done with now.

Like I said, I hope you never have to experience anything like that.

[Lucky Mama]

I can't even imagine. I seriously don't know how anyone could possibly deal with that and come through the other side. It makes my heart ache just to think about it and I'm glad you had the courage to put a stop to it and cut ties. Some people are so evil. I don't know how these people can stand to live with themselves. And his wife for defending him. You're right. Who would defend a child molester?!

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your sweet daughter and your family. It makes me so heartsick.

[lunaverde]

Originally Posted by H_Hplus1

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through so much. Even though the trial didn't turn out as you hoped, the fact that you fought for what was right will mean so much to your DD for many years to come. My sister was raped by a" family friend" when she was 14. My parents didn't want to deal with courts and trials and so had her keep quiet about the whole incident. Years later she was still dealing with it...she never got over not having any support and letting her deal with it on her own. She's doing well now but has a poor relationship with our parents.

Hope you get your rainbow baby soon. Baby's have a way of making the world seem right if you know what i mean

Hugs

Thank you so much for you kind words! I don't understand how anyone canNOT fight for their child. No offense to your parents, but I don't understand. No judgement either, though. It's just doesn't make sense to me, kwim?

I hope your sister is still doing well. SA is so tricky to recover from, it permeates into every part of your life and twists you into knots. I'll be sending her PPTs (I hope you don't mind) that she continues to know love and peace in her life. SA victims tend to relapse when life gets too stressful or something triggers a dormant memory. I went through that last year and it was so hard to relive some of those memories and process them with my adult mind. It sucks because abuse victims tend to remember the abuse differently than regular memories and when you are reliving an abusive memory, it can be just as real as the first time you experienced it. I wanted you to know just in case, your sister may need you during one of those times.

Thank you all for the kind thoughts! You guys just rock!

[Lucky Mama]

I wish I could give you a hug IRL.

[Caerus]

I mentored a middle-schooler a few years back who was a victim of childhood sex abuse. That is part of what is pushing me towards victim services as a career, because I remember just how little support she had from her family (it was a family member). Just makes you see red!

I'm so sorry you've gone through so much.

[Kansascity kitty]

Hey there I was a member of this board and just popped in. Thanks you for sharing your story, I too am a sexual abuse survivor (although my molester received prison time but not enough) awareness is the key and it isn't your fault but I know what you mean I am constantly overly protective of my girls and trying to ease up but it isn't easy to do. So sorry your DD has gone through this terrible, terrible ordeal. Healing is all in us no mater how many shrink's you get we can only heal ourselves. Keep your chin up your a surviver and so is your DD I hope your able to conceive your rainbow baby.

[Aillidh]

I am sobbing reading this. I'm so sorry for all the things you've went through, you truly are a brave woman. I've been through SA as a child and as a teenager and it is something beyond horrific, I'm still not all the way healed. It definitely still shows sometimes with me. I wish your daughter the best and I hope she's recovering alright.

[kw2005]

I'm still here bawling after reading through all of this. I am so sorry to hear about your and your DD abuse. There is no excuse for anyone to ever do that to a child, or anyone for that matter. I had a very close friend when I was a kid who was sexually abused by her dad. I felt so bad because I did not know about it til years later. Had I known or had I seen signs I would have said something.. I still beat my self up for not knowing to this day.

Awareness is a great thing. I think often times this topic is pushed under the rug.. which it should not be.

Prayers for you and your DD to continue to heal and grow from this horrible event. Much luck and baby dust in conceiving your rainbow baby!!

[lunaverde]

Rebecca, Nana and Kansascity kitty

It really sucks how commonplace SA is.

Rebecca I think it's lovely that you want to go into victim services. That's so amazing! I think you are inspiring because you felt empathy for someone else and we need more people like that. <3

Nana, I am so sorry you went thru SA too. if okay. If you ever need a shoulder, I know we don't really know each other, but I can offer my ear and my shoulder and someone who totally understands what you've gone through.

Kansascity kitty, I am sorry you suffered too. if okay. My heart aches for all of us. I pray that your girls don't ever experience what my DD and we have gone through. I pray that you never have to hear your DD tell you news like that. Ever. I know how my heart broke and I don't ever want another mother to feel that way again.

Thank you all for stepping forward and sharing your stories with me, too. I am honored that you trusted me! I know how scary trusting internet ppls with personal details is.

[lunaverde]

Originally Posted by kw2005

I'm still here bawling after reading through all of this. I am so sorry to hear about your and your DD abuse. There is no excuse for anyone to ever do that to a child, or anyone for that matter. I had a very close friend when I was a kid who was sexually abused by her dad. I felt so bad because I did not know about it til years later. Had I known or had I seen signs I would have said something.. I still beat my self up for not knowing to this day.

Awareness is a great thing. I think often times this topic is pushed under the rug.. which it should not be.

Prayers for you and your DD to continue to heal and grow from this horrible event. Much luck and baby dust in conceiving your rainbow baby!!

Please don't beat yourself up. Maybe I can give you a different perspective from your friend's POV. She was probably unbearably ashamed and couldn't let anyone know it was happening. He probably told her if she ever told, bad things would happen to HER, not him. I know that is how I felt. I know I wanted the world to see a perfect little girl who had a perfect little life. Of course it wasn't true! But that was what I wanted and even after I made my outcry and the SA stopped, I still didn't want ANYONE to know there was something wrong with me. And that was exactly how I looked at it. It was MY problem. I tried to hide all the bad things I was doing to cope with the pain, like harming myself and the dissociation, so no one would know. It was my horrible, dirty, shameful secret.

Of course I no longer think like that (for the most part... I still have my darker moments). And I pray your friend has found love and peace in her life. She deserves that.

Awareness is a great thing. I promised myself I wouldn't let my FIL/MIL stop me from telling the world what they did. We didn't do anything wrong and none of us have anything to be ashamed of. They do, so they keep saying everything is MY fault which is typical abuser behavior. You should hear what FIL/MIL did to my DH. >_< My childhood was roses in comparison.