[Psycho_Vixen]

I'm just looking for some advise of others and figured that at a place like this i would get more help than non help some where else.

Here is a little problem i have. I love kids and i want kids of my own. I've know a guy for about 4 years now and I know he wants me to have his baby. He always says it but in my mind i'm not sure if he truly means it. I doubt it because we don't exclusively date nor have we in the past. We are both grown and we didn't want to much back then. It's been about a year since i've seen him but he always called me. We recently about 3 months ago hooked back up for our what ever it is we have lol. But he still says he wants me to have his child. I'm not sure how to handle this or what to think or even do. It leaves me so confused.

I sit and think what having a kid would be like but i'm not sure if i should with him or just wait longer. i mean a man saying the same thing for 3 years i'm trying to think if he really means it.

[Lucky Mama]

Regardless of if he means it or not, you need to decide if it's what you want. Especially since you aren't dating, I would recommend you think about how and if that would change once you got pregnant/delivered. Would you be a single mom? Would you two get together as a couple or parent as two separtate individuals. Are you comfortable with those scenarios.

Getting and pregnant and having a baby is just the first step. Once that baby is here, your life will change forever. Plus, that means you will have this guy as a part of your life for the rest of your life, whether you are together as a couple or not. You will see each other at birthday parties, graduation, your child's wedding. If you like this guy and you don't end up a couple, you'll have to deal with seeing each other date or marry other people. Some people use a baby to try to form a stronger bond/start a relationship with someone. Sometimes it works, but it can also backfire with huge consequences. Make sure you're having baby for the right reasons.

I would take whether he is genuine about it completely out of the equation and think about what direction you want your life to go. If that's having a baby under whatever circumstances you two are comfortable with, then go for it, but do it with eyes open.

That's just my two cents! Good luck making your decision!

[Psycho_Vixen]

You point out alot of stuff i've asked him myself. He always seems to have an answer for it all. I know he has a daughter she's 9 and i asked if he was sure and why not someone else but he insists that he only thought about me having his child for the past years... I guess we have alot more talking and thinking to do but i know that he knows i'm not 100% sure.

[Lucky Mama]

It's really good that you two can talk honestly and openly about it! Just be sure you're completely okay with it before going forward and TTC. Good luck!

[lunaverde]

I don't know either of you, but I will give you my opinion because my sister went through something similar. She wanted to get pregnant, wanted a baby very badly. Of course, her story is a good example of how wrong a situation like this can go for everyone.

She went looking for someone to help her achieve her goal against the advice of everyone in the family. We all knew she wasn't ready for a child and she even said she wanted a baby because she wanted someone to love HER. She found three different guys who were willing to help out. All of them were older men in their late 30s and fairly stable people, I know one of them had children from another relationship and I know all of them promised if she got pregnant, they would be in the picture to help her raise this potential baby, but she wasn't asking for anything other than emotional support from them after conception.

My sister did get pregnant. Problem was, she had no clue which of these three was the father, so she told all of them they could be the father. All of them ran away and left my sister to raise the baby alone. That was fine with her, my sister hates men anyway and all of her relationships were really strange, so it's probably a good thing they all ran away from her. But now she has a little boy who has health problems and behavioral issues and my sister is cruel to him because he's always acting out. She was not prepared for a child with any sort of special needs and my nephew is the one who is paying for it.

Point being that no matter what someone may say they want, or for how long, usually the reality of the situation is far from what they dreamed it would be. And as Brittney already said, you really have to figure out if this is what you want because if you aren't a 100% on board, later you could feel resentment at being tied down to a child you have to care for by yourself. If you're not prepared for that possibility, it can really throw you.

Anyway, I am not trying to scare you from having a child, just cautioning you to make sure this is what you really want, this is really the person you want to father your child and make sure you are emotionally ready, if you do decide this is what you want, to be a single mom just in case.

I HTH you make a decision. Whatever you do decide, should be for you and not for anyone else! GL!

[ninja_mommy]

Luna, that is a very sad story

[lunaverde]

Originally Posted by ninja_mommy

Luna, that is a very sad story

I know. I wish a lot of things had been different for my nephew. He's a really good kid.

[Psycho_Vixen]

Wow Luna what a sad story. I have to say i have friends who had the same thing happen to them and the sad this is they all end up treating the kids wrongly.

I've been around people age 16 getting pregnant since i was a kid i never wanted to be tied down like my friends and their kids. i've seen what it can do to people who are not prepared for it. And i've seen how awesome it can be. Me I know i want kids no matter if the dad is there or not. Special needs or not as well. I work with special needs kids and they are bundles of joy, some of the things they can do amaze me everyday. I don't like child abuse or neglect so if i did decide to have a child i will love that child just as i love myself

I've blanely asked questions and pretty much he wants this or sees us this way "we are working on building something good.....in the process we are having monogamous sex and trying to get u preggo"

[lunaverde]

Well, you sound far more stable/sane than my sister anyway. I wish you tons of luck in whatever choice you do make. If your guy has stuck around this long, he may really be in for the long haul. I hope so and I think you'll do fine even if life throws you a curve ball. I'm sure your reasons for bringing a baby into the world aren't as selfish as my sister's reasons were anyway, so in that respect, you are way ahead of the game. Like I said, I wasn't trying to scare you, just give you another perspective to think over. I hope that came through in my original post to you, and that I wasn't trying to say you would make those same mistakes.

KUP on whatever your decision is. GL to you!

[rlh27]

One thing I firmly believe is that the best way for a man to love his child is to love the child's mother. Yes, it is doable if a couple isn't together and plenty of children grow up just fine without a dad in the picture, but the most ideal situation for a child to come into would be to a home of two loving and committed parents. If this man hasn't proven his commitment to you, then I would not suggest having a baby with him. You and your child both deserve a man that will love you and be committed to you. Maybe this man will become that man, but right now he doesn't sound quite there. I completely understand the extreme desire to be a mother. I really do. Maternal instinct is really strong, but wait until you can become a mother with a committed man. That's just my two cents.