[CyndiBear]

Well, despite all the awesome symptoms, and the almost non exsistent period I finally tested, and got a BFN. Unfournately, this was a really bad time to get the news, since there is so much going on in my life and I feel almost to a breaking point. I was so convinced this was it. This month had to be it! I had EVERY symptom freaking possible. I didn't have a full on period. I was sick, and tired, and my boobs hurt. I was going to the bathroom every hour! I was sure! But I guess this wasn't it for me, and I'm crushed. I don't think I've ever been this disapointed in my life....or at least not for a long time!

On top of this, I have familyy from out of town visiting this week, which is kind of getting to me. I mean, its horrible of me to say this but I really don't want them here. I don't even know them....I met them once as a child and never talked to them growing up, so I feel no connection. My grandma is on cloud nine though, that they are here and has me going over there everyday to entertain them. Its beginning to really get to me, especially after a BFN. I really just want to sit at home with a big bucket of ice cream and cry for a week.

Also, my dad got arrested again for posession. They released him the next day, but then last night I get a call for the hospital, that he caught cellulitus in jail, and has it in his face, that it could spread to his brain and kill him, and that since he has heroin in his system, that it will only make it worse. I love my dad, but sometimes I wish that when I was 18 and got out of foster cae, I never tried to find him.....I don't want to go through the heartache of loosing him like I did with my mom. Drugs are the worst thing in the world.

Oh and that's not all you guys. Like I don't have enough going on, I have DH's daughter. And boy oh boy, is she a spoiled little girl. We always had a great relationship, but anytime she is with her mom for too long, she comes back and hates me. Its the hardest thing in the world, because I can't keep her from her mom, but seriously? I'm the one raising her. I'm the one who cooks her dinner, and does her laundry, and helps her with her homework, and takes her to school everyday....and she leaves for a weekend with her mom (who usually doesn't pick up the kids on her weekends.....this is the first time in 4 months) and she comes back and has an additude, and is mean and just not the girl I know.

Add in that my other sister announced her pregnancy at dinner tonight. That makes both my sisters and my only two friends, all preggo within the last two months. And they ALL already have babies, and weren't trying.

I just feel broken.

Oh, and add that its almost 2:30 am and I'm still not asleep, and that I have to get up and go to grandmas at 8. Yeah....-__-

[Ravado]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope things start to turn around for you very quickly.

[Aillidh]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now, I really hope things get better soon

[Lucky Mama]

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I can't even begin to imagine how are you handling all of that. Try to take it one day at a time. It will get better.

I know how it is to feel like this month is "the month." I think a lot of us have been there and can relate to how incredbily disappointing BFN at that point. No, not disappointing: heartbreaking. You need to give yourself some time to mourn that loss. Maybe request a couple of days all to yourself. It sounds like you already have "mommy syndrome": taking care of everyone else before yourself. You definitely need a day or two spending some quality time with that ice cream.

Hugs. We're always here.

[MAS1313]

That is a TON to take in all at once! I just want to give you a HUG! I wish I could say something to make it better for you

[LaceyMay2630]

I'm so sorry hun. I know how it feels to see everyone around you getting pregnant, and you're left in the dust. Keep your head up, things will get better for you.

[CyndiBear]

Thankyou ladies. Sometimes you just need those encouraging words. You all are so sweet. Not really feeling any better today, and didn't get to sleep until about 5am, but, just going to get through today and go to bed early. I know I need a break, but I'm just a "giver" and I'm always taking everyone else's problems, and responsibilities, and do for everyone, and I get left in the dark. I know I need a break, but it seems no matter how much I need that break, I can't make myself tell anyone no. I guess I'm just in a "feel sorry for myself" rut, and can't seem to get out.

It means so much that there are people, even over the internet, who want me to put myself first, and who give me good advice, and who send me encouragement. I don't have much of that in my life, and it just brings a smile to my face. I wish we all lived on one big street all together, but i guess the internet will have to do. I know you all have your own lives and families to take care of, and I think that is why it means so much that you all take a just a few minutes out of your day, to send encouragement and love to eachother, and i think it's amazing.

[*Momma2Nix*]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry girl. That is a lot to be dealing with!! I hope things get better soon!

[CyndiBear]

Well, let's add my sister in law to the pregnant list this morning.

5 people in the last two months, and 4 of them in the last month!!!! I think I'm gonna loose it. lmao..

[Lucky Mama]

I have the hardest time saying no to anyone, too. I got myself into so many bad situations because I couldn't say no when someone asked something of me. It led to a lot anger and resentment.

My mom brought up an interesting point. She knows I pride myself on being honest and trustworthy. She told me that when I say yes to something I don't really want to do, I'm being dishonest. It's true! If my SIL asks me if I mind babysitting her kid, and I don't want to, but I say yes because I can't bring myself to say no, I'm not being honest with her or myself. She said it's okay to say no. It's not healthy to say yes to everything. I struggle with it still, but I'm trying to be better at only saying yes to the things I want to say yes to.

And I love having you in our group! You are so kind an supportive of everyone! I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for open real estate. There's got to be a street we can buy somewhere...

Hugs, sweetie.

[LaceyMay2630]

I am avoiding Facebook like it's the plague right now. Every time I get on, there's another one of my friends who is posting a BFP picture *sigh* And I agree with Brittney, I love having you on the boards, you're such a sweetheart

[Caerus]

Originally Posted by CyndiBear

Well, let's add my sister in law to the pregnant list this morning.

5 people in the last two months, and 4 of them in the last month!!!! I think I'm gonna loose it. lmao..

Isn't that how it always works? Once you start TTC, all your female friends and family turn up pregnant. Maybe we all need to befriend a random gal who is TTC, because we would magically get pregnant!

I'm sorry you are going through such tough times! Can you beg off of entertaining the relatives for a few days? Just tell your grandmother that you are not feeling well, and then sit at home and drown your sorrows in ice cream and movies. Remember, taking time for yourself is good for everyone else too, because it puts you in a better state of mind!

[CyndiBear]

Well, too bad I didn't take your advice, and I went to dinner with my family anyway tonight.

I thought going out would be better then cooking and entertaining....at least it wouldn't be all on me, and they are only in town for a few more days, so I decided to go because I would probably regret not getting to know them if I didn't. So we went to dinner, and my grandma's sister, who I've met maybe twice in my entire life, decides it is a good time to tell me how beautiful I am, how pretty my eyes are and how beautiful my hair is, but that I could stand to go on a good diet.

It took all the willpower I have to NOT smack the old lady upside her head, but I just laughed and nodded, and excused myself to the bathroom, and broke down, in the middle of dinner.

I cried SO HARD. I was in there so long my sister came looking for me and I had to brush it off. I was so embarassed I didn't want to go back to the table. I thought they must have known I was being a drama queen....But I sucked it up, and went back. Called DH to pick me up early, and am finally home. I don't think I'm going to go see them tomorrow...they leave on friday, so one day wont kill them, or me.

Lord knows I need it.

Just so you guys know, I have been crying since I got home, and can't seem to stop. I feel pathetic.

[Caerus]

No offense to any old ladies on this board (), but they can be VERY hurtful, oftentimes without even realizing it!

I'm sorry that rude woman hurt your feelings. You would think she was raised better than that! So rude!



You are a beautiful and unique creation of God. His opinion about you is the only one that really matters anyway.

[CyndiBear]

I'm sorry if I did offend anyone. Just venting, I don't dislike old ladies, I really like them, but she really upset me!

Thankyou for the encouraging words. I know I'm a little chubby, but it doesn't really bother me, unless someone says it straight out to my face like that....It's really quite rude.

But, I feel better now. Snuggled up with DH in bed, watched some True Blood and American Idol, and relaxing. I think it's really all I needed.

[lunaverde]

Cyndi, you are gorgeous!! That old lady needs to keep her crotchety opinions to herself. I think you are beautiful and she is right, you do have gorgeous hair and eyes. But I think you are fine just the way you are, sweetie. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't the fiercest, most awesome lady in the world. You totally are.

BTW, I love your DH's wedding vows. That is one of the sweetest things I've ever seen come from a guy. Your DH seems like such a huge teddy bear.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I know that although I may be genuinely happy for someone when they announce their pregnancy, but that doesn't stop me from feeling so disappointed that it's not me making that announcement. I've been waiting to make that announcement myself for the last two years. It's hard when everyone you know around you ends up pregnant and you can't understand why it's not happening for you. Lots of I just keep telling myself that if I stay positive and keep trying to get myself healthy, it will happen for me.

I know it will happen for you too, sweetie. So don't lose hope just yet. You are going to get your I know you are.

[Caerus]

Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to imply that you offended anyone, I was just being silly.

DHs really do have a way of making us feel better when we are down!

[CyndiBear]

Originally Posted by lunaverde

Cyndi, you are gorgeous!! That old lady needs to keep her crotchety opinions to herself. I think you are beautiful and she is right, you do have gorgeous hair and eyes. But I think you are fine just the way you are, sweetie. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't the fiercest, most awesome lady in the world. You totally are.

BTW, I love your DH's wedding vows. That is one of the sweetest things I've ever seen come from a guy. Your DH seems like such a huge teddy bear.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I know that although I may be genuinely happy for someone when they announce their pregnancy, but that doesn't stop me from feeling so disappointed that it's not me making that announcement. I've been waiting to make that announcement myself for the last two years. It's hard when everyone you know around you ends up pregnant and you can't understand why it's not happening for you. Lots of I just keep telling myself that if I stay positive and keep trying to get myself healthy, it will happen for me.

I know it will happen for you too, sweetie. So don't lose hope just yet. You are going to get your I know you are.

You are one sweet lady. I like to think I'm a pretty decent girl, but man oh man does it get me down when people pick on me. Yuck.

My DH is the biggest, scariest, most intimidating man I've ever met, but his heart is so full of love and loyalty. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. His vows made me look like a chump!! Mine were horrible compared to his beautiful words....and that was only a peice of them....he is the BIGGEST teddy

Thankyou again to ALL of you. This rut will be gone in no time with all this love! <333