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Let me start off by saying DH and I have a great sex life, but he has had a low sex drive lately and its starting to get on my nerves, especially around O time! Especially when I'm not entirely sure when i O'd!! He does want a baby and he's really supportive, but when it comes time to dtd during O time I try to "seduce him", kiss on him, flirt a bit, wear something sexy, whatever I can. If he's doing something, you can forget about it, if we're in bed, it's a maybe.
We've had talks about me accidentally making it seem like a chore so I try to just get him in the mood now and be sexy for him, try some new things, rather than telling him it's 'that time' again. Though I usually do tell him a little bit, I just try not to push it on him at all. He knows the general timing though.
Well, I wasn't sure when I O'd this time, I thiiink yesterday but it's possible it was today! So I made the horrible mistake of mentioning earlier today I thought I may have O'd yesterday. But he knew i wanted to try to dtd today to make sure. Well, afraid of pressuring him, i waited patiently all day. He played hours of video games, we watched tv together, I was worried I'd miss my surge so I coaxed him into bed around 11pm (see how good I was?? Thinking I O'd today and still waiting all this time??) then I started kissing on him and "rubbing" him... He got hard so I started giving him oral and still kissing on him etc. Then I stop and lay back down trying to tease him a little by stopping and he kinda settled into the bed like he's going to sleep!! I was like "oh.. Were you not into that?" he goes "nah, I'm not really in thr mood". Now i'm kinda hurt (how was I supposed to know? His body was reacting!) and annoyed at the same time since I was only asking for once more. I can't name how many times I haven't been that in the mood and have done it anyway. I guess it doesn't work the same for guys but still! So I said "oh, sorry. I didn't know... I just kinda wanted to try one more time.." him - "oh, I thought you said it was too late?" um no! I said I might have O'd yesterday and we've been doing this long enough for him to know we bd after O as well!
Am I doing something wrong? I do everything I can to keep sex while ttc romantic and spontaneous, but you ladies know it has to be a "little" planned since we have to bd certain days. I feel like I'm buying all the supplies, keeping track of my cycle, driving myself crazy internally and all I'm asking is for 3 days of sex that isn't always perfectly spontaneous! It's like he doesn't get how stressful this is. If we miss it, we wait another month, all the while I'm thinking I'm "broken" or something because we haven't conceived yet. I just want to cry or punch something sometimes! The early loss last month really hurt and scared me, plus, the military is about to make me move away from him for 3 months and not only will we not ttc, but we wont be together just for US either! I'm not trying to be pushy. I've been pretty good about it, I think...
Btw, I don't mean to portray him as uncaring. He's a very sweet, passionate, loving partner. We've had talks about ttc and keeping the spark, I've bought lingerie and toys to help things out and he loves it! Those times when he's in the mood... but it doesn't help the other times. And it's not like I just walk out with a toy cuz I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring him or like I expect it this minute. Haha I guess I just feel like I'm "holding up my end" and more and he's not... Then I feel bad about thinking that! Lol
Have u talked to him bout your feelings? Have u asked him has his feeling changed toward ttc? Maybe the loss last month affected him n he is scared to go through this again. U never know how he is feeling men go through the stress of ttc as well n sometimes this is how they act out. Just talk to him n c how he feeling n y it has changed. Gl
Oh, BTDT! My DH had no problem asking for it EVERY NIGHT the last 6 years, because we weren't ttc. Now that we are, HA!
We talked about it before hand, that there were days that we HAD to BD, and he was like YEAH! But when it gets down to brass tacks, he acts like it's a chore. We had the "Talk" last night too and I flat out asked him if he thought ttc was a chore and he said no. But when he gets into bed, he is not romantic, he is not into it, he is not responsive.
And let's just get the record straight here - having another child was HIS idea, not mine.
So hun, I'm right there with you. Let's remember a few things about courtship. The men chase us. Then there's sex. The men still chase us. When the tables are turned, it's not sexy anymore. So, I'm thinking I'll give him a little incentive, maybe a teaser on those days that we have to BD and then walk away.
And if I were you, Don't be patient!!! Don't start things at 11, start at 8! Get him revved up so that by the time you're in bed, it's not so late, and then let him take the lead.
Blah I wrote this post about two months ago to the T. Really sad isn't it? Plus I know you feel so undesired and again you miss those 4 days of fertile window and it's over for another 30 days. Plus DH is military too, so we kind of have a ticking clock.
And too, I've done it soooo many times when I wasn't in the mood, but he was. And then when I'm in the mood he's usually not. Sometimes I just jump on top because who's really going to turn that down, he doesn't even have to do anything! (Unless there is something more emotional going on.)
I did have a lot of women tell me too when I posted this same concern that maybe they thought something else was going on with him emotionally. We did have a talk about it and he really tries to make an effort. I still won't tell him anything about where I'm at in my cycle. Only when AF comes because then we don't BD those days.
I've also made it a point to let him have his own time leading up to a few days before O. And I know it's hard because my O jumps around a lot too. So, I just don't start really putting the moves on until I see watery or EWCM. And ditto to Lelila, I see DH at lunch so I tease then, sometimes more when he gets home, sometimes send dirty text message via code.
So, hang in there And this is the first cycle that I've only BD'ed when we felt like it and not because it was a good time. More because I remember how much I hated that feeling and how frustrated it made me.
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Thank you *Kiliki* for cute siggy Oct '11 June '12
You would think TTC would be a guys dream come true!
My hubby is the same way. I've found it helps if I just don't tell him when I'm ovulating and start acting sexy earlier in the day, he's more than happy to oblige that night. Something about TTC lingo just kills his libido, so I try not to mention ovulating or temps or OPKs or anything. That seems to help.
Having another baby was my DHs idea, too, but if I make sex about making that baby, he gets all weird. Men are so odd sometimes.
Hugs, sweetie. You're obviously not alone. Maybe talk with him about it and see how he's feeling. Tell him how much it hurts you when he acts disinterested or won't make more of an effort. I agree that he might still be reeling from the early loss, as well.
At first, my DH was all for TTC, sex 4 times a week without even asking! But now I think he sees it as more of being a chore rather than, what you said, spontaneous. I think if you guys just sit down and talk about it, things will get better. I mean DH mentioned to me last month that he was feeling "used" and that I wasn't DTD out of love, just to get something from it. And I never really thought about it that way. So, I agree with the other ladies in talking to your hubby about how he's feeling.
I read in a magazine that the way round this is to regularly have sex 3 times every week so that DH doesn't suspect and therefore have 'issues' near ovulation time. Well... some weeks just aren't like that for me!!!
oh girl... a lot more women here understand this, more than you realize.
When I had my chemical back last August/Sept. cycle, it really affected my DH. He had gotten so excited... and then when I started cramping/AF came later on, he was upset. We even went back to NTNP for the next 3 months, and I didn't ever push him b/c I knew he was as hurt as I was. Then, in Dec. he expressed that he wanted to seriously try again.
I think overall, men just really are not aware of the entire TTC process. We, as women, are all wrapped up in it, buying opks, hpts, lube, pineapple, etc... along with charting, knowing what our bodies are doing... I mean, it's a lot of work, and men don't get that b/c they're not involved, literally, with what we contribute to it. They only know that they want a baby, and are willing to 'try'. And sometimes I believe they think well '2 nights of BDing' is good enough... when in fact, our bodies could delay O, and more BDing sessions are needed... and they just don't get it, b/c they're not the ones charting or keeping up with this entire process.
I'm sorry about last night. Like I said, we've all been there, and we've all felt the 'rejection' in a way, but mainly felt the disappointment that we could've missed our window b/c we didn't BD enough... and then a month feels wasted. I'm sorry you're going through that! And never feel like you're talking down about your DH - we know your intentions of your post, and we know that it's just a frustrating thing in general.
Well said Michelle. My DH said to me the other day "I thought we would just 'let it happen'.
Sure, because my eggs once hatched have a supernatural shelf life and I have an unlimited number of them and I have NO problem being 80 when my child graduates from college.
I know we must seem a little nuts about ttc - charting, temping, watching the days tick by. But men just don't see it from that perspective.
And can I just say one thing - I really hated being pregnant. I am NOT looking forward to it again, especially at my age. But I'm willing to go through it again because I want another child (and I really didn't like the infant stage either, very stressful for an older mom) and another member of the family to love. Men don't see the long term either.
As a matter of fact, I'm not sure what they see. Or maybe they do see it all and now that they agreed to it, they are squeamish because they know they are going to see you puking for 9 months and they are going to see a big hospital bill and the big food bill and the toys and be up nights, etc.
Huh, maybe the guys don't want to BD because they are AFRAID of getting us Knocked up?!?!
