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I am new to this but I really need someone to talk to. I might be ranting and raving for a moment but I thank all of you for your patients and understanding. I am looking to see if I am able to get some advice about my story.
I started fertility treatment back in Jan 2013 because of PCOS, first cycle was a fail. Second round it came back that I was pregnant, the nurse called after my lab results and told me that it was a healthy pregnancy and to retest my HCG levels that following week. I got a call that Monday that told me that my HCG was has increased but it has not doubled and I was having a miscarriage and thought that my body would pass the baby on its own seeing that I was 5 weeks pregnant. I went back to get my HCG labs again that Wed and they called with the results and told me that my HCG had increased and it now has doubled and told me now that I was having a viable pregnancy. All of this information was given to me by a nurse. I never had signs of cramping or bleeding, nothing that the nurse thought I would should be expecting. However, I was having horrible back pain to the point that I was not able to sleep and I kept telling my nurse about it and she told me that they just weren't sure. Finally, Thursday comes around and I said that something needed to be done. I was able to get in for an ultrasound, met with the Dr. and was told that I had numerous cysts that burst and that were still there. The Dr. also told me that it was a viable pregnancy and they just wanted to run a couple more test.
Later that afternoon, I received a call for the Dr., the same Dr. that I saw that morning and she said that it was not a viable pregnancy and they ran everything past the head surgeon and they would like me to come in for emergency surgery. They are not sure what is going on but all they know is that something isn't right.
I called my husband and he rushed home from work, I got into the hospital where I had 3 nurses rushing to get me into the emergency room, met with the surgeon, and anesthesiologist. They decided to give me a sedative and decided that they would do anything that they needed to when they got in there which could mean a D and C, remove my ovaries and tubes. I had been able to hold it together until that moment. They told me at that time they did not think it was an tubal pregnancy. When I woke up from the surgery my husband and I had found out that they removed 3 cysts, cleaned out my tubes, and I was having an tubal pregnancy. I found out at that time, the pregnancy was still viable however it would be a just a matter of time.
After everything was said and done and I lay recovering at home, I am so thankful for my husband. This situation has made our relationship so much stronger. I thought that our relationship couldn't get any stronger but I was wrong.
Now the sadness set in, I was understanding of the fact that I was having a miscarriage. Yes it is horrible but I thought that we had lost the baby before the surgery. I found out after the fact that the baby was still alive and this needed to be done to save my life. I am having a hard time coping with the fact that I feel like I had an abortion. my job was to protect the baby and I didn't do that, I failed, my body failed. I let someone that that away from me. One more week and our baby would have a heartbeat. my heart hurts so bad and I am not sure how to deal with it.
When I went to vistit my Dr. for my post opt appoinntment two weeks later, I explained my feelings to him and he told me that he has never really heard anyone say something. There has been many studies that show that this is not an abortion because it could have been fatal for you. I just can't get over these feelings and I have been on antidepressants since Jan. It is required while taking fertility treatment to help with all the rollercoasters of hormones. It is very hard for me as well because one of my friends just had her baby right after my loss. I can't even bring myself to hold babies at Easter events or my friends baby. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them but I feel and enormouse loss and I feel like I let myself down.
Any advice on how to get through this?
I am also so sick of people making comments that are just off the wall.
When I woke up from surgery, the nurse that was there when I was in recovery said to me right as I opened my eyes, " I had the same thing happen to me and I was able to have 3 healthy babies afterwards." I said oh did you do fertility as well? She says well no - my comment to her was it is not the same don't compare.
My mother in law said - well everything is always so complicated with you I am sure you guys will make it through this.
My sister in law - won't even look or talk to me because she found out about a year ago that her and her husband couldn't have children. She is being so rude to me when all I need is a support system.
At Easter I can't tell you how many times I caught tears rolling down my face after conversation after conversation from in law relatives asking what next?
I will have to wait for 3 months, then I will do invitro hoping that this will avoid the case of tubal pregnancy. I just don't know what to expect.
Thanks everyone for listening, if anyone has advice this is greatly appreciated.
I know how insensitive people can be. After my miscarriage it was amazing some of the insensitive things people had said to me.
I actually found it a bit easier to distance myself from people for a little while and give myself time to emotionally heal on my own. Everyone is different, but I found being around others really hard because they either a) say really insensitive things, or b) act as though nothing has happened which can also make you feel worse. Sometimes a little understanding is what we really need. (Which is why I came to this board.)
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you get your rainbow baby very soon!
I'm not sure if I have any words of wisdom, but I have experienced 2 tubals. I remember after the 1st one which was my 1st pg also, the feelings of failure I had. What had I done wrong and it was all my fault. I wish I had known about JM then to b able to talk to these fabulous women, but instead I did a lot of research and turns out it is not usually any fault of the mother. Obviously there are things that can increase the probability of it, but there are so many unknown factors. I even had a HSG procedure afterwards to make sure my tubes were open for viable pg and it turned out they were. I had a beautiful baby boy and then got pg again. Same as the 1st pg something didnt feel right and at 6 wks us confirmed 2nd tubal pg in the same tube. This time I was taken to emergency surgery and my rt Fallopian tube was removed.
I guess what I am getting at is ur feelings are completely normal and in no way did u abort ur baby! Tubal pg are extremely common and unfortunately they have to be dealt with differently than someone who has a normal miscarriage. I'm sry I don't mean to offend u by this statement. It will take some time and soul searching, but it does get easier! I wish u the best of luck in ur TTC journey, and hope that u get ur rainbow baby soon!
Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure that I have any words that will completely ease the pain you're feeling, but I just wanted to hop on here and say that I'm praying for you. I know it's one of the most difficult things to go through a miscarriage (of any kind), and definitely difficult for those around you to completely understand what you're going through. So, I'm glad you found some support on these boards. Maybe it might also be worthwhile to talk with a counselor about how you've been feeling? They might even be able to suggest a support group that could offer you some encouragement. I've also heard of some organizations like Stepping Stones or Share (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc.) that may be worth looking into. I know they have lots of support available. Just a thought. Well, hang in there friend and know that others out there are thinking of you!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you are having to deal with such insensitive family members. Good luck!! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope when you do IVF you will get your bfp that will lead to your rainbow baby. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am part of the trying to conceive after a loss group on justmommies as well and the ladies there and in here have been wonderful. I hope you are able to find the support you need to heal.
Wow I hope that you are going with a different RE next time? That doesn't sound like good care I am SO sorry you had to go through all that!
And I know the blame but the pregnancy wasn't viable because it could not have survived in the tube and it's not as if they can move it. So not only would the baby have passed, but it could have killed you in the process had you done nothing.
I think accepting that guilt will be there but logically it is not your fault is a step.
Much luck to you! I hope you heal emotionally and physically quickly.
Due with #3
10 IUIs= one confirmed /IVF= BFN / FET= / FET2= Baby! My blog
Thank you all for your responses. I have found them helpful. I have decided to hold off on IVF for a couple of years to heal emotionally and physically. I realize being 32 years old this year does put me in a tight position but I think I need this time to reflect and figure out how I an move past this.
Hey guys, another question. So I had surgery about 3.5 weeks ago and the tubal pregnancy was on the right side. However, they went through the left side. I have been to the dr twice since the surgery about the pain I am experiencing on my lower abdomen, through my cervix and lower back. they keep telling me that nothing is wrong. I have a hard time sitting, cant sleep at night and can barely wear pants. I am suppose to go back to work this week. anyone else had this problem? very frustrated and I keep telling them something is wrong but they told me my blood work is normal and my ct scan came back normal