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OT: This man at work is making me uncomfortable


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  • 1 Post By mom2ariana
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  #1  
June 17th, 2013, 10:11 AM
mom2ariana's Avatar Super Mommy
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We have a guy here at work that I work with regularly. He is very nice and has never given me any reason to dislike him. He gave me a compliment last week, asking if there was anyone at our client's office that disliked me, because I was so nice. Innocent enough.

Well this morning, he sent me an email that said something along the lines of "is there any outfit that you do not look stunning in? your husband is a very lucky man." I didn't read the email right away, and I guess I didn't respond for some time. He emailed me back and apologized saying that he would be professional from here on out and hoped that the email didn't get him in trouble. I responded and told him no worries, I hadn't yet read the email when he sent me the second one because I had been busy. I thanked him for the compliment, sent him a "You're welcome" for a question he had asked, and moved on about my day. He sent me another email, that read something like this: "Good grammar, nice, and beauty. It's too much." Okay dude.

I feel really uncomfortable by this. I'm just not the type of person that runs straight to HR. I had a man one time that is a client asking me some uncomfortable questions via email, like what type of bar he should go to that night. I told my manager this, and he told my director. The director handled it and we moved on. But when it is someone you work with everyday, I think it's harder to just go straight to HR or straight to management. I don't want to be the reason someone loses their job. He is a bit awkward socially. He's in his 40's and not married. So I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. What should I do? I've contemplated just not responding. I've also considered perhaps telling him it makes me uncomfortable. I'm just very shy and tend to be chicken sh** about these types of things. I'm just not sure how to handle it.
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Last edited by mom2ariana; June 17th, 2013 at 10:13 AM.
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  #2  
June 17th, 2013, 10:20 AM
2014 Offshoremama78's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would tell him strait out it makes you uncomfortable and
To stop, no more thank yous or its OK, he will keep doing it
If you don't tell him. If it keeps up after that go to HR,
It is boarder line sexual harassment.
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  #3  
June 17th, 2013, 10:20 AM
inyourhonor's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I might just send a polite e-mail back asking that those types of things not be said. You'd like to remain professional. It's obvious it's more than that to him, if he shot back another e-mail saying he'd remain professional.

Then if it persists (keep the e-mails!) I'd take it to HR.
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  #4  
June 17th, 2013, 12:20 PM
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Definitely tell him it's making you uncomfortable and if it continues at all go directly to HR. That isn't something to let slide.
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  #5  
June 17th, 2013, 01:18 PM
PinkHurricane's Avatar Super Mommy
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I agree with previous posters in that you should tell him one more time that it makes you uncomfortable and that you do not appreciate him not being very professional towards you. If he continues to do and say things like that, I would then report it to HR along with the email where you told him to please stop.
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  #6  
June 17th, 2013, 01:23 PM
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I am the same way you are. I don't want to stir the pot if I don't have to. But in this case, I would probably just send an email over said you would like to remain completely professional. And leave it at that. So basically what all the other ladies said.
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  #7  
June 17th, 2013, 02:25 PM
Orangebrittainy's Avatar Queen of Randomocity
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inyourhonor View Post
I might just send a polite e-mail back asking that those types of things not be said. You'd like to remain professional. It's obvious it's more than that to him, if he shot back another e-mail saying he'd remain professional.

Then if it persists (keep the e-mails!) I'd take it to HR.
address it with him politely but firmly. I would say something along the lines of, I would like to keep this a strictly professional relationship. Neither my husband or I appreciate these types of comments or emails. In the future would you refrain from commenting about the way I look.
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  #8  
June 17th, 2013, 04:09 PM
Gamer_Princess's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would email him back nicely or ignore him completely. If he persists I would keep all copies of the emails and CC them with any responses to him to HR or your manager.

Years ago when DH and I first got married, we worked at the same office but in different departments. I was in Accounting and DH was in IT. There was a manager that was over DH's department that became "smitten" with me I guess you could say and made me very uncomfortable. One night he saw me in my office working late and came in with high hopes of something inappropriate and even told me if I did not do stuff with him he would get DH fired. I immediately called my manager and the director of HR for a meeting. NEEDLESS to say I was the first person to stand up to the creep. Many others came forward afterwards and stated they had been harassed and that their jobs were "put on the line" because of him. I had kept all copies of his emails to me to have some proof in case people were going to say I was lying or something. He was a well-liked guy but he was WAY to inappropriate for me and if you even come close to harming or put my DH's career in a bad place.. this girl will turn from sweet to B**** in a hot second. He was immediately fired and all was well at work. There were rumors I made it up at first but later when others came forward.. I think the company was afraid there would a lawsuit on their hands if he was not fired or they condoned what he had been doing.

I know this is a bit more than your situation right now, but you never know when it can escalate.... Thinking of you
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  #9  
June 17th, 2013, 05:23 PM
mom2ariana's Avatar Super Mommy
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Thank you! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has gone through this. I went back and read through the emails again. And I never thanked him for the compliment. I responded to his apology and just told him no worries and that I had been busy doing something and hadn't even read the email. In his apology, he said "I guess something just happened over the last month that I am confused about." I really do not know what he's talking about, but I honestly do not want to know. We have begun working together more frequently over the past month, and I do not think that is a coincidence. I've never flirted or been innappropriate in any way shape or form, so I do not know why he thinks it's okay. If he's saying he has a crush on me, or he wants for me to ask him what he's talking about, it's not going to work. I'm not interested in knowing.

Because he apologized I gave him the benefit of the doubt. When he sent me the next email, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't respond at all. Part of me wanted to say something, but by the time I got back from lunch and he still hadn't said anything else, I figured it was too late to respond. And I was scared to respond. DH is kinda upset that I didn't say anything. I told him the next time it happened that I would say something to him about it not happening again.

I always say I'm too "human" for corporate world. I just feel so bad. I don't know. I don't want to be the reason that someone gets fired. I know it's his mistake and it was stupid. And if he had done something more severe I would be angry. And I am kinda angry. I just would hate to see someone get fired. Unless like I said, it's more severe.
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  #10  
June 17th, 2013, 05:55 PM
Jessimaaka's Avatar Pink in a house of Blue
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Keep the emails for sure. I hope it goes no further. I tend to shy away from confrontation as well.
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  #11  
June 17th, 2013, 08:35 PM
Gamer_Princess's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I completely understand what you mean. Thinking of you
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  #12  
June 18th, 2013, 07:06 AM
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I've had this happen more times than not. And I've found in the past that remaining neutral just lead to more problems later on when the advances became more persistent.
Personally, I've said or done something that would deter them- such as a compliment about my hair/skin etc..."Oh! It must be the prenatal vitamins I've been taking! I started them last week because my husband/fiancé/boyfriend and I are trying for a baby! Isn't that so exciting???"
Or what I'm wearing-"Ohh I just bought it yesterday! My fiancé and I are going out tonight. He has a romantic evening planned for us!"' (You can have dh pick you up to add to the f u factor haha and it'd make dh feel better to show the guy up!)
If those don't work flat out tell him you are not interested and are seriously involved with someone and even if you weren't you wouldnt be interested. Good luck!
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  #13  
June 18th, 2013, 02:09 PM
mom2ariana's Avatar Super Mommy
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I couldn't handle the discomfort today. He would walk by my desk when he never used to. He came into my cube to "ask" me about a grammatical error on a set of drawings, he asked me whether I had grabbed a slice of his cheesecake. I finally printed off the email chain and brought it to my manager. He was mad. He told me that we would take it to the director if that was okay with me, and that regardless of the decision made, he would rearrange work responsibilities so that I never had to interact with that guy again. He told me he would do what it took to make me comfortable again, and that I did nothing wrong. A few hours after my conversation with my manager, I got ANOTHER email from that guy about drawings, but at the end he wrote, "I actually enjoy working with you, and it’s not for reasons most men do. You’re just good people and company. " :/

We went to the director and showed him all of the emails. He made a surprised look when he saw the email that mentioned how DH was a lucky man and whether or not I had any outfits I did not look stunning in. I'm still shocked that he sent me those emails, so I can imagine my director's shock. He told me his first choice would be to handle it, talk to the guy, and tell him not to do it ever again. If that didn't work, we would take it to HR. He asked me if I would be comfortable with that or if I wanted more done. I appreciated that. I told him I was comfortable with that as long as I never have to work with him again. He agreed and as far as I know he will take care of it.

Thanks for the support ladies - this has been kinda a tough thing to deal with. I just hope the stress hasn't affected TTC. I'm sure it hasn't.
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  #14  
June 18th, 2013, 02:37 PM
inyourhonor's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hope this solves the problem and he leaves you alone. I'm not one for confrontation either, but those would have made me say something. There is a line and he definitely crossed it. It's not comforting knowing someone is getting into trouble, but he brought it upon himself.

*hugs*
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  #15  
June 18th, 2013, 02:45 PM
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i am glad your management is on your side Thinking of you
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  #16  
June 18th, 2013, 02:54 PM
Orangebrittainy's Avatar Queen of Randomocity
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I am glad management is helping.
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  #17  
June 18th, 2013, 04:34 PM
Jessimaaka's Avatar Pink in a house of Blue
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Glad you have management's support.
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  #18  
June 18th, 2013, 04:41 PM
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You did the right thing and I'm so glad it's being handled appropriately!!
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  #19  
June 18th, 2013, 08:27 PM
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You did the right thing and I'm glad your management is on your side. I hope you won't have to deal with it anymore.
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