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Serious VENT..o/t and really long


Forum: Trying to Conceive

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  #1  
April 11th, 2014, 08:21 PM
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I'm apologizing in advance for this post. It will most likely be really long and full of me complaining, but I need to do it so here it goes.

I had mentioned in my other post about how there was a little family drama at the end of my reception. I wasn't going to talk about it, because I'm sure you guys honestly don't care. But I went to dinner with some of my family tonight and the situation got brought up and long story short...I NEED to talk about it a little bit more. So thanks ahead of time if anyone actually reads this all.

My sister has been dating this guy for about 2.5 years now (her 3rd child is from him). I have never liked him, actually most of my family has never liked him. He is basically a big douche bag. (excuse my language) anyways.... last summer-ish my sisters 2nd child ended up with a huge bruise on her face (mind you, not quite 2 years old at the time). It looked exactly like a hand print. The only person she was home with was my sisters bf. It really didn't take long to put the pieces together for me. long story short, children services was called by the hospital and the daycare she went to and nothing ended up being done. So from then on out I have wanted nothing to with him. I cannot stand when he is around....I just...ugh I could go on forever with how much I hate this guy!

so anyways, fast forward to my wedding time...last weekend. I really didn't want to invite him at all, because as I said I cannot stand to be around him. but that was a battle I didn't want to fight. (my sis is extremely dramatic and it would have been a disaster if I didn't invite him) well clearly that was a HUGE mistake!! First off this dude is crazy, my sister cant do anything, even with family without him texting her non-stop and he gets mad when she isn't with him. he is literally crazy...so anyways...

I guess he had had a lot to drink at my reception, and was causing drama. I was trying to ignore it and have a good time and dance with the people who came to help celebrate this day with us. so about 10:00 p.m. (thank god it was late that quite a few guests had already left) I noticed some people had gone outside including my sister, her d-bag bf, my SIL, my parents, my 2 brothers, but again, I didn't want to get involved in family drama so I stayed inside with my friends and dance. Well about 15-20 min. later my sister-in-law, who was also my matron of honor, came up to me on the dance floor and said (excuse the language), " (sisters bf) just f*ck*ng attacked me!". So then of course I had to get involved at this point.

Apparently my sisters boyfriend was really drunk and being an ***, which is nothing new. My parent were trying to get to leave so there would be none of his usual drama at my reception. Well he was refusing to go. So they went out on the patio and I guess my whole family was trying to get him to leave but he was refusing, so that when my SIL/Matrton of Honor told him, "Just the f*ck out, no one wants you here" when she said this he grabbed her by the neck and pushed her back against the wall. Thank god my brother (her husband) was out there. But then this a**hole started shoving my dad. My dad is almost 70 years old for crying out loud! So anyway, all of this was happening and I had no idea until my SIL/MOH came and told me. DH brother was right there and he immediately went outside. DH and his brother are both big guys, guys you seriously do not want to mess with. anyways once I found out what was going on and that he was putting his hands on my family at my wedding reception I got really pissed, like how dare he! I didn't even want to invite him in the first place and this is how he acts. so anyways, the police ended getting called because he would not leave so they had to escort him out.

At the end of the night my sister was crying and came up to me to apologize and I told her that she needed to leave him for good. she said "I'm done, he put his hands on dad, I'm done"

Well, I have dinner tonight with my parents and brother and surprise surprise, my sister is NOT leaving the d-bag! I have already said I REFUSE to be anywhere near him..if he is there I will not be! I am so freaking frustrated with her and I really hate him! Like really. I just doin't know what it's going to take for her to leave him, her ending up in the hospital from him beating her? I hope not, but if this wasn't enough IDK what will be. I just know I am in no way supportive of that relationship and if they ever get married (they have been "engaged" for 2 years) I will not attend the wedding, I am washing my hands from that whole situation as long as he is involved!

I'm sorry this was so long, I feel like some of the details were important to fully get why I am so irritated and frustrated with this.

Thanks for letting me vent ladies
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  #2  
April 11th, 2014, 08:36 PM
HeavenlyJewel's Avatar Loving Wife and Mom
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Wow he is a douche I would have done the same thing. Unacceptable for him to hurt anyone including a child.
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  #3  
April 12th, 2014, 03:44 AM
Scarlet Starlet's Avatar Teleport Birthing Founder
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Wow. After reading this, I want to hurt him very badly.Please tell me at the very least she knows better than to leave him alone with the kids??
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  #4  
April 12th, 2014, 04:29 AM
Ninky's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry about the reception drama. I'm so sad for your sister's kids! You never EVER touch a child. I guess there's no way to 100% know, but still, even if there's a question of it, it's time to pack the bags and go. I think women in abusive relationships are too scared to leave in most cases. Maybe that's how your sister is? In which case, she needs an intervention.
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  #5  
April 12th, 2014, 07:34 AM
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So sorry! This guy does sound like a jerk and I would try to push your sister more into leaving him. He doesn't sound like he has any good qualities, but I would be worried something would happen to either her or the children. I hope you can convince her to leave him. Maybe your whole family getting together and offering support will help? Good luck!
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  #6  
April 12th, 2014, 11:31 AM
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Sorry you had to deal with that. His behavior is inexcusable. Maybe try to have a heart to heart with your sister. If she won't leave him there's not much you can do but be there for her when/if she decides she is ready.
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  #7  
April 12th, 2014, 02:36 PM
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unfortunately my sister is extremely stubborn. She has always had to have a guy in her life, ever since we were teenagers, and with her having 3 young children by 3 different guys she's probably afraid no-one will want to be with her, which is valid. and honestly, she could be afraid of him...maybe. As crazy as he is, she is also slightly crazy....its honestly a mess and I feel so bad for the 3 girls. they are 4, 2 &1. The oldest isn't aloud to be left alone with this guy, because she is old enough to talk, and she actually has a really good dad who is really involved in he life and he got court orders that she cant be left alone with him. The other 2 are unfortunately left alone with him. We tried talking to her and she basically said that if we can't accept him then we wont ever get to see the kids. she has "left" him a number of times. The last time she had my brothers and DH go help her move her stuff out of their house because he was refusing to let her take anything, he was threatening my brothers and DH that he was going to get his friends and they were going to kick their butts. two days later she moved back in with him. This has happened at least 3-4 times but she keeps going back. Look out, we may be on the next episode of Steve Wilkos! (my 11 year old nephew suggested it) smart kid!
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  #8  
April 12th, 2014, 06:15 PM
PrayingPink's Avatar Veteran
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What a freaking a-hole! The cops should have arrested him. What kind of man puts his hands on a woman!? I'm angry just reading that! I'm sorry you had to go through that on your wedding day. Erase him from your memory. I pray to God that he never hurts your sister, the kids or anyone in the family again. Maybe she's scared he will try to take the baby or something. Ugh! What an a-hole!!!!!! You have every reason to hate him. Hopefully she will open her eyes one day and show his dumb ***** the door.
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  #9  
April 14th, 2014, 10:16 AM
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Lurking here, but I can certainly empatize with you. My SIL is the same way as your sister. She has 2 boys, 10 (who is high functioning autistic) and 7 (who also has learning/comprehension issues). She can never be alone. She didn't leave her husband, who she was miserable with, until someone new who showed her interest came along. He was a really great guy and treated her and the boys VERY well. She wasn't "attracted" to him and couldn't stand that he was a "push over" and just went along with everything. Didn't leave him until she ignited a flame with an older married coworker. She didn't want to break up his marriage and then an old HS friend happened to come along so she went with him. He was the opitome of a d bag, much like your sister's bf. Everything she said she would never tolerate, she let this guy get away with. He was physical with her in front of the kids, stole money, used cocaine, the list goes on. She even moved her and the kids in with him. She didn't leave him until she ignited a flame with yet another friend from HS. Even then it was a little bit before she left the other guy behind. Now this guy she is with is nice, but again, has addiction problems. Lost his license for DUI (gets it back in May though), falls off the wagon with prescription pills, and has some pretty nasty anger and jealousy issues, etc etc.







I guess the purpose of my post is that some women fall into this cycle. They are attracted to men who treat them and their kids poorly, but can't seem to stay away even though they know it's against their better judgement. I am in no way victim blaming because I am very much aware that sometimes it's due to threats by the other party. But sometimes they're just "fixers." My SIL always thinks she can "fix" these deadbeats. The parents always love her bc she straightens their good for nothing sons out and gets them on the right track, even if it only is for a little while. The biggest lesson DW and I have learned is that we can't stress ourselves out about it anymore. She does what she wants when she wants and honestly doesn't care what ppl tell her. I can't tell you how many times I've been right in the things I've told her and how things would go. She does what she wants anyway and later admits that I was right. As a family, we would just wash our hands of her and the merry-go-round she likes to ride, but we can't cut any ties bc of the boys. DW, MIL, FIL and me are the only consistency they have in their lives. Her poor decisions are not fair to them so we take them and do things with them as much as possible. It's a real shame too, bc my SIL is inherently a good person and can be so wonderful a lot of the time. It's just when it comes to relationships, she fails horribly. Unfortunately, there is very little anyone can do. She's clearly not hit rock bottom with this guy and until she does she won't be open to anyone's opinions or help. It hurts like heck to have to stand back and watch everything unfold, but realzing it's not YOUR job to "make her see the light" or fix her thinking is a huge step. All you can really do is be there as much as you can for her kids. I really hope your family is able to find some peace soon, it's so hard mentally and emotionally on everyone involved...best of luck...
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  #10  
April 14th, 2014, 11:38 AM
KellJoO's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I ready our post on Sunday but I didn't think I'd be able to type it all out from my phone.

I totally agree with the PP.


Its really hard at times and you have to decide what is best for you and your family. Distance yourself enough from her so that you dont have to be a part of her everyday drama. I have a MIL who has gone through the same sort of thing OVER AND OVER again. She falls for the same type of men, the ones who use her and treat her like crap. She is her worst enemy because she is so forgiving.


Have a chat with your sis, tell her honestly how you feel, but at the same time tell her that you cant put your family in danger and at risk because of her choices. Let her know you are there for her, but that you really dont want to become part of the drama. You will have to set some boundaries for yourself.


Its hard, but it honestly cant be for you to worry about. She will have to figure it out for herself...as sad as that is. Because it puts her children at risk.


Good luck, I hope that it works out the best it possibly can for you.
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  #11  
April 14th, 2014, 12:20 PM
MommyOf22014's Avatar Sarah
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You made me cry. Pregnancy hormones. I feel for you. I was on your sisters side at one point. My sons dad was abusive toward me and very controlling. Would force me to have sex and I couldnt text family or talk to anyone. I was homeless for a couple months because I was in his web. He was addicted to heroin. And I was in denial, but when my son started showing signs of abuse I left. I filed a protection order and full custody. To say the least I'm with a great guy and having our second baby together. And my ex is actually currently in rehab. My advice is tough love. Tell her you can't be in her life if she stays. And if she stays, stay away from her. Eventually she'll learn everyone who loved her was right. No matterwh at you say or do it won't change her mind. She has to do this on her own. Good luck. Btw ur MOH should of pressed charges, ignoring that behavior is only making it worse for your sister.
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  #12  
April 14th, 2014, 01:20 PM
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I definitely don't want to overstep my bounds or anything but someone above mentioned doing an intervention-have you guys considered doing that for your sister?
It is not acceptable in any way shape or form for children to be left alone with him after what he did-and guess what, a court order is just a piece of paper to someone with the types of rage and anger issues this jackhole seems to have.
All three of these children are in danger. Please do not give up on trying to get your sister to see the reality of the situation. She may be deathly afraid of leaving him or maybe she just really is insecure enough to NEED somebody in her life, but either way-make this intervention about the kids. If it's about her leaving him, then in her eyes, you're all the unsupportive a-holes who don't approve of him.
Express your concern about the kids and maybe she'll be more open minded.
And please don't give up, those kids need every advocate they can get.
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  #13  
April 14th, 2014, 01:22 PM
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My sister and I have never been close. She's actually my twin but we have been as different as could be in every single way ever since I can remember. I have always had my issues with her anyways, but she is my sister so I try to look past it and we can usually get along ok, we only see each other during family events and such. It is know that I will not be in the same room with him. I will not be around someone like that and I will not let my child be around someone like that. But I do love my nieces and I hate so much that she is trying to use them as a means to make us accept her relationship. I can't and I won't. I know I will still get to see the kiddos because my parents babysit all the time. It's just so frustrating because she says how she wants us to be close, and my mom says how she wants us to be close and this is one of the many many reasons we probably wont ever be close like twins should be. I just hope she realizes before he actually talks her in to getting married! that would be a monumental mistake! but, I can't stress out about it, I just know how I plan on handling the situation and I will stick to my guns!


Thanks for the responses ladies!
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  #14  
April 14th, 2014, 01:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet Starlet View Post
I definitely don't want to overstep my bounds or anything but someone above mentioned doing an intervention-have you guys considered doing that for your sister?
It is not acceptable in any way shape or form for children to be left alone with him after what he did-and guess what, a court order is just a piece of paper to someone with the types of rage and anger issues this jackhole seems to have.
All three of these children are in danger. Please do not give up on trying to get your sister to see the reality of the situation. She may be deathly afraid of leaving him or maybe she just really is insecure enough to NEED somebody in her life, but either way-make this intervention about the kids. If it's about her leaving him, then in her eyes, you're all the unsupportive a-holes who don't approve of him.
Express your concern about the kids and maybe she'll be more open minded.
And please don't give up, those kids need every advocate they can get.


I know what you are saying. It is something we have mentioned, but maybe we need to discuss it further. My sister gets extremely defensive and if anyone tries to tell her anything she doesn't want to hear she starts yelling and we are all wrong and yada yada yada...but it definitely wouldn't hurt to try again with this. We had to do this about 4 years ago. She was preggo with #1 and I found out she was doing some things that should absolutely not be doing when pg, so we did kind of an intervention type of thing and It was kind of a mess. But you never know until you try!
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  #15  
April 14th, 2014, 02:44 PM
IamJessesGirl's Avatar Veteran
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I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I know it's hard for us to understand others' choices when they seem so awful for the people involved. Unfortunately, you can't control your sister's choices. Just be there for her and let her know that when she's ready to leave him, you'll help her in any way you can!
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  #16  
April 15th, 2014, 11:34 AM
WaitinginNJ's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OMG, he put his hands on your father? Girl, NO! I do not blame you one single bit. Chances are, and I speak from experience, your sister is not high on her self esteem. He is making her feel that she cannot do better and she is afraid that he is right. It was selfish of him to do this during your reception and shows no respect on his part that he not only put his hands on a woman, he put them on an elderly man. Best of luck to you and your family. I hope your sister finds the strength she needs to let this person go and out of your lives.
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