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I'm 21 years old and pregnant. What do I do?


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  #1  
May 30th, 2013, 07:51 AM
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I am 21, recently went away to school for a semester and came home two weeks ago. Found out yesterday I was pregnant, but this morning I got the results for my blood tests. I have been with my boyfriend since January, but we've only been "officially together" for a month. A little background on me, I was in an abusive relationship (my first relationship) for a few years with a black male, I am white, and it little tore me and my family apart. I feel like the last year, or less than the last year, I finally got my life together, am happy, getting along with my family, and everything has fallen into place. My mom and sister know about my boyfriend, however, I have yet to tell my brothers and fathers and have them meet him. He's amazing so I am very optimistic that although they're scared of me dating, they will love him. However, I am waiting to tell him the news now. I have no doubt we would both love our child and be amazing parents, but I am so scared.

It was unreal to wake up this morning and have my doctor tell me on the phone that I am pregnant. I was up all night making pros and cons lists, and I narrowed my choices down to abortion and raising my child. I was always against abortion before, and I think my only two reasons for having an abortion would be so my boyfriend and I's lives could just continue and also so I don't have to tell my parents. I am not sure how they would react and I am scared to find out. I know my next step is telling my boyfriend, but anyone in my similiar situation or any type of advice that could be helpful at all I would love.

I stayed up all night on this site reading everyone's blogs, so I know this was the right place to come.
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  #2  
May 30th, 2013, 10:59 AM
Formerly ConnorMorgan
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Location: Canada
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I'm not sure what to say but didn't want to leave without replying. I hven't been in a similar situation. Making the decision for abortion should not be made quickly, if you are considering it, talk to an abortion clinic who I think would have a counsellor to talk to who could help you think through the choice.

You said you've only been with the father for a short while, even though he may make a great father, he may not be ready for that committment, especially if he's young as well. You do need to tell him but be prepared for any kind of reaction. He may be in denial, he may be happy, he may be angry, he may be scared. Give him some time to think it over before you guys talk about it more.

Hopefully someone else here can be more helpful.
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  #3  
May 30th, 2013, 11:19 AM
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Thank you, any response is helpful to me, honestly, I appreciate any feedback I can get in making my decision.

And although he is a great guy, and I think he would be a great father, I mean, in the right circumstances.. there is no telling what could happen now.

Abortion has never occurred to me, had this situation happened to me, and it freaks me out so much, however, it is one of the options, so I do have to consider it.

Thank you.
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  #4  
May 30th, 2013, 11:41 AM
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To be honest, I personally think a situation like this is too big to make a decision based on a list. Of course, it is only natural to do that to help yourself. However, I feel like the best decision is what your gut and your heart are telling you. Sorry I couldn't offer more advice
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  #5  
May 30th, 2013, 12:21 PM
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I'd advise you to seek a crisis pregnancy center near you. They are great at offering choices other than abortion, such as adoption. God bless!
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  #6  
May 30th, 2013, 12:45 PM
sethsgirl's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If I were in your situation I would look into talking with either a pregnancy crisis facility or a pastor or counselor of some sort. This is a life changing event no matter what course of action you take, even an abortion would change your life. No matter what you end up choosing I pray that you will be at piece with it and that you won't let other people's opinions pressure you into one thing or another. Sorry I can't be of more help, I hope someone is able to give you the response you're searching for.
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  #7  
May 30th, 2013, 01:10 PM
WaitinginNJ's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was a mother at 16 years old. I am now 40 and my daughter is 23. I personally do not feel abortion is right for me, however I do believe in a woman's right to chose. It is true that no matter what decision you make it will impact the both of you significantly, however you will be more impacted than your bf. You have to ask yourself a question, can you handle the responsibility of parenthood? Forget about your BF for a moment, because should it not work out, this baby is with YOU 24/7. Are you ready to sacrifice your own needs for this child? There are plenty of other options that do not include terminating a pregnancy. You have the opportunity to bring a life into this world and you can either take on the responsibility that comes with it or you can answer the dream of a woman who for whatever reason is unable to conceive.

You first must tell your bf, take in consideration his thoughts as well. Try to make this decision together. Your parents will get over it. Sure maybe they will be upset or disappointed, but the moment that baby arrives and they lay eyes on their next generation,they will be in love.

I wish you luck in your decision. There are so many opportunities you have here, choose wisely as it will seriously impact your life forever.
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  #8  
May 30th, 2013, 01:53 PM
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Thanks so much, all of your answers have helped so much.

I am warming up to the idea of telling my mom, I actually want too, and I know that I cannot go through with any choice without her being by my side.

I've obviously been non-stop thinking and running every scenario through my head, I am trying not to base any decision off of my relationship because he is not a permanent thing in my life, however, my child would be.

He's been supportive so far, and we live a few hours away but we will be together tonight so we can talk about it. Also, I agree, I don't believe in abortion and I feel as though that option would leave me depressed and filled with regret for the rest of my life.

I truly believe I could be a great mother, granted my bank account is not ideal for this situation, however, I know I could have help. It's just a hard decision when you're not ready, had I finished college two years from now, it would be easy.. and I would keep my child.

However, I still have time to think.

Thank you all so much, I appreciate all of your responses more than you understand.
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  #9  
May 30th, 2013, 02:00 PM
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I think I am easing away from the option of abortion..I don't believe I could live with myself knowing I made that decision.
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  #10  
May 30th, 2013, 02:33 PM
WaitinginNJ's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You at least have one answer, and that is no matter what the choice is it will not be termination. I will also say this, if we ALL waited until our bank accounts were full to have babies, I think the population would be a lot less! You can still finish school, with a great support system, you most certainly could! I don't know the circumstances of your parents, like if one stays home etc, but I bet if you chose to keep the baby they would certainly help you so you can finish school. Don't forget that although your BF and you are new, his family should also be willing to help if that decision is to keep the baby.
If the choice is adoption, they do so many different types of adoption these days, like an open adoption. My first view of open adoption was not a great one. In my mind it was like you are having a baby, giving the child to another family to raise but still be involved in their life? Then I swear, after watching 16 & Pregnant, I see it differently. It allows both you and the child to still have some type of a relationship where you can both know that you made the choice to give the child a better life and you can see that the child is having a great life.
Good Luck!
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  #11  
May 30th, 2013, 03:19 PM
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I was 21 when I had my son Jay. I knew abortion wasn't the right option for me. I think you should speak to your mum and bf before you make a decision. I didn't get any support from my mum or bf but there was an organisation in the UK that helped me out loads. If your mum isn't ok about it are there any organisations that help young moms over there?
I was adopted myself. So maybe if you didn't want to keep the baby yourself, like others have said you could give someone else the special gift of motherhood. I hope the very best for you. Don't make the decision on your own.
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  #12  
May 30th, 2013, 03:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CMV1213 View Post
I don't believe in abortion and I feel as though that option would leave me depressed and filled with regret for the rest of my life.
Having been on both sides of this coin, if the above are truly your sentiments and you're 100% sure, there's your answer, regardless of what the father thinks/feels. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on where you stand on the issue, his "decision" stopped at whether or not to have sex (since wearing a condom offers no foolproof protection). This is what I have drilled in my son from day one. As a male, he really has no right to tell a woman what to do with her body; the choice is hers.

If this is truly wholeheartedly how you feel, then you need to communicate that to the father and leave him to his thoughts/emotions. You should then tell your family and leave them to their thoughts/emotions. Then, you need to put a plan in place. How you will get health care for you and your baby, how you will earn a living to support your baby, how/where you will live, etc. REGARDLESS of the father's thoughts/promises, make sure you have a plan in place to take care of you and your child. It will be nice if he offers support and follows through, but the reality is that may not be the case. If you are going to have this child, be able to mentally, emotionally, physically and financially support it.

I am not a fan of religious counseling; it's my feeling that they are not equipped to give unbiased guidance. As for crisis counseling, if you go that route, please ensure you get linked to a pro-choice place that will provide you all options and unbiased counseling/support, regardless of which option you choose.
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  #13  
May 30th, 2013, 08:01 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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I wanted to say that a girl at my church had a baby almost a year ago. She had over a year of college left. It wasn't easy for her, but she is down to one class before graduation.

I agree that if people waited till they could afford children, our race would be extinct! lol There are programs to help, and every college around here has a daycare on campus so I would think yours does if you choose to keep the baby. Your parents will get over any disappointment if they have any, and both your parents and his will love that child when it's born.

If you don't think you could raise a child, and he, his parents, or your parents didn't volunteer to do it for you, there are many women that struggle with infertility. Adoption is so wonderful. In some cases you can even choose the parents of your child. Open adoption, I think.

As big a Christian as I am, I kind of agree with 3maybe on counseling. I do go to a center in town when I'm pregnant. You go, watch a video, get a package of free diapers. I love me some free diapers! But they are faith based, and I had a woman tell me that even if your child had spinal bifida to the point where it grew no skull and would surely die, you should NOT get an abortion. Carry that baby! It got a little ridiculous, and I am pro-life. lol I actually don't think my preacher would be like that, though. Not everyone is as black and white about abortion.

Last edited by Spyctre; May 30th, 2013 at 08:55 PM. Reason: forgot my Oxford comma!
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  #14  
May 30th, 2013, 08:37 PM
WaitinginNJ's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Spyctre that is terrible! What quality of life would that child have? I am pro choice, but I now abortion is not right for me. However, if I was told that the baby had such a severe illness and would have a low quality of life, I couldn't live with myself for bringing a child into the world that once I am gone, who take care of him/her? I am catholic, I do not practice it. The day I walked into a church and the priest said God expect 10% of my income I laughed and walked out. Religion is crazy sometimes.
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  #15  
May 30th, 2013, 09:13 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
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WaitinginNJ, the baby probably wouldn't have even survived 9 months in the womb! It was crazy. When I was asked about my opinions on abortion, I told them that I am against it for birth control only. I don't think they liked the answer. But if I'm having sex, I accept the risk. Even if I had been preventing. The only 100% prevention is no sex.

Rape I am on the fence about. I would try to carry the baby and give it up, but I normally get hyperemesis with my pregnancies. I get so sick that I can't honestly say I would put myself through that with a forced pregnancy.

I go to church, but I haven't paid my 10% in a long time. I give offering when I can, but we are on a tight budget. I love listening to my preacher. Church of God here. He's pretty funny. Has some humorous ways of looking at events in the Bible. Since I'm down south, it's pretty hard to find someone that isn't hellfire and ****ation. I was told Catholics usually didn't get those, though. lol
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  #16  
May 31st, 2013, 03:46 AM
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I talked to the father tonight and he told me ultimately it is my decision but he will support me either way. We talked about the parents and telling them and he already spoke about telling his parents which was good. He's obviously scared for me to tell mine, however I still haven't made a decision I just decided the next step is to tell my parents and go from there. I'm trying to eat and relax and stay healthy in the mean time. Thank you all SO MUCH for all of your help. You have all given me such great feedback with every message.
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  #17  
May 31st, 2013, 07:05 AM
sethsgirl's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Glad to hear he's being supportive. Praying for you and your baby. I hope your parents will support you as well.
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  #18  
May 31st, 2013, 08:51 AM
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I raised two kids by myself with very little help. It's amazing what you can accompolish and work towards when you have more then yourself to care for.
I'm against abortion. Theres so many women who have full hearts ready to take on a baby, when they are not able to conceive. It's tragic to abort a child when mistakes were made when there is so many people that would give up so much just to be able to have what you have. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. It'll be tough, but it'll be worth it.
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  #19  
May 31st, 2013, 03:19 PM
WaitinginNJ's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I would love to go to a church down south!

Good Luck 21 & Pregnant! Keep us posted!
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  #20  
June 1st, 2013, 09:45 AM
MandyMae833's Avatar Regular
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I have been in your shoes and know what your going through. Please personal message me. I tried to but I dont see a message bar on your profile.
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