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How do you trust again


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
February 23rd, 2009, 07:48 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern VA
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I'm new to this forum and very hesitant about posting publicly. My name is Chelle (24), I'm engaged to Will (28) and I have a 2 year old step-daughter.

I just need to know, how did you guys get over your cheating spouse? How long did it take? Or did you get over your cheating spouse? Did you guys divorce/separate or stay together?

I recently caught DF in a lie about a girl he was talking to that he dated right before him and I got together. He actually broke it off with her to be with me. After we started dating, I found her in his house (they werent doing anything sexual) and he agreed to stop talking to her. Well I've recently found out that he's been talking to her EVERYDAY. The never really stopped talking since we've been dating (over a year). It has just picked up a lot over these past few months. He lied to me when I asked him about the number and also about how long they'd been talking. I know they've kept in contact the whole time we've been dating but he told me that its only been about a month. He claims that he's only seen her once in this past "month" but I'm pretty sure its been more times than that because he hasnt been truthful thus far. He told me that her number was the number to a bill collector, but slowly but surely he confessed after I kept hounding him and wouldnt let the subject go.

I agreed that we would start over. His reasons for cheating is because she boosted his ego, gave him confidence and made him feel needed. I'm not a needy person and I'm not super emotional. He's complained about us and my lack of showing him that I love him for a while. I'm not even really sure why he's with me. He claims that he knows whats on the other side and he likes the fact that I'm different (I dont really nag, argue or complain and I'm focused on providing the best for my life and our life). I'm in school part-time for my Masters and I work full-time so when I'm not doing homework or anything school or work related I try to spend time with him but thats not enough for him. I also ensure that I make time for his step-daughter, I actually treat her like she's my own. I know that I havent been the best and havent been everything that he desires.

We have a house and a car together in addition to all the time and effort that I've devoted to trying to make us work before he confronted him. We actually have an engagement party coming up this weekend and I'm not even sure that I want it to happen b/c I'm not sure if I want to marry him now. If he's cheating on me now, what makes me think that things will get better once we get married. Why go through the hassle of moving up here to be with me, proposing to me, wanting to marry me, buying a house and a car with me, if he's just going to cheat and seek support elsewhere without even trying to work on it with me.

I just dont know what to do. Part of me wants to stay but a bigger part of me wants to leave. Mainly b/c ALL of my TRUST for him is GONE out of the window. Because he still lied to me even after I confronted him about it. And I dont think that he'll stop talking to her in the long run. For now yes, for ever no. I've felt like I wasnt good enough for him for a while and he knew this, we've had open conversations about this. I feel like he deserves someone who can give him emotional and mental support better than I can and he knows this. I've never felt insecure about myself until getting with him and its mainly because of all of his complaining about me not doing enough to make him feel loved, needed and wanted. I dont really know what he wants from me but I've been trying for a while to try to do better.

Thanks in advance for reading my LONG post!
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  #2  
February 23rd, 2009, 09:09 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
Welcome. My DH committed internet infidelity. It started in May 2008 and continued until July. That was when he wanted a divorce. We decided to try to work things out. We have now been back together for 7 months. It has been and up and down journey. There is no set time to gain trust back. It takes a lot of work...from him. He has to prove himself. This is the time when he should be opening up his phone to let you see everything (without deleting anything first), accounting for all his time, etc. He broke this trust. If he is not willing to prove he can be trustworthy, it will not work. There has to be NO contact with this woman (phone, email, in person, text, etc). EVER. The grass is always greener on the other side. That's an illusion. They will have fights. Things will be different. Once you're on the other side, you see the grass is only green in the spring. I always recommend the book The Five Love Languages. It helps both parties understand the way the other needs to be loved. Come here and post whenever you need.
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  #3  
February 24th, 2009, 07:46 AM
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Thanks so much. I will indeed read it. Another great JM buddy suggested it too! I'll have to wait until I get a break from school to read it though.

I had a talk with him last night and let him know that if he continues to hide things from me (changing passwords, locking phones, erasing calls and texts) then there's NO WAY I'll ever be able to trust him b/c he'll always be hiding something. Call me crazy, but having those lines of communication open for me to peek at, although I may not peek at it often is reassurance to me. And I made him tell me the truth about her and demanded that if he didnt, that I'm out the door. So he came clean about it.

He knows about the 80/20 rule: You get about 80% of what you need from your mate. Sometimes we meet someone who has that other 20% that we're not getting and the 20 looks real good, but if you trade it for the 80, then you'll really see how good you had it with the your mate. He actually changed all of his passwords back to what they were originally and calls me more now. So he's trying to make progress, I guess. I still cant believe that he relied on emotional and mental support from another chick than to actually try to work on things with me. That still makes me sad because all this time he was complaining that I do more, but yet he wasn't giving me his all.
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  #4  
February 24th, 2009, 11:59 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
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Right now this is the time when he cannot be dishonest or omit any information. Any situation where he betrays even the smallest trust can be a fatal mistake for your relationship. It can start a train of thought in you head like "well if he can lie about such a small harmless thing, what else is he hiding?". That is the LAST thing he wants to do. I agree with the 80/20 rule. I talk about almost everything with DH, but the taboo subjects I talk to with one of two great friends.

The Five Love Languages was an awesome book. It helped DH learn how to best show me he loves me and also showed me howo to best show DH that I love him. I learned that my DH is a quality time language so I began playing his online game with him. By showing an interest in it, I have shown an interest in DH. DH learned that I am a words of affirmation and touch language. DH now goes out of his way (and out of his comfort zone at times) to give me the words that I need to feel loved. I think it is an excellent book for ANY couple, but especially couples who are going through problems. It's actually not that big of a book. I would get it ASAP and complete the quiz in the back. Then have you DF complete his quiz. The quiz results let you know what love language you are. I just read my chapter to understand myself, and DH's chapter to understand him. I read the rest of the book later on.

I think it was a big step for him to change his passwords back. That is a big sign that says he wants to work this out. People aren't perfect. Even tho it was my DH who committed internet infidelity, I had things to work on as well. I had to work on the things I would say to put him down. There are things that were going wrong in our marriage that made him turn to someone else. I am in no way saying that was my fault at all. It wasn't. A real man will turn to the woman he loves and talk about how he feels. He will fight to get things back to the way they should be. A real man would end a destructive relationship before turning to someone else. Relationships take work. Every step of the way, it takes work. You start living together, it takes work to adjust. You combine finances, it takes work. You have a baby, it takes work.

Stick together and work things out the best you can. Figure out what his love language is and make an effort to do it everyday. Words don't come easy to my DH, but he tries his best, and it means even more to me when he does. Tell your DF about how you hurt that he wanted more from you, yet he wasn't giving more to you. TELL him. It took probably 5 months for my DH to understand how much he had hurt me. You will have good days and bad days. DH works on the road and I haven't seen him in a month. He has been so busy that we didn't really talk for 2 days, except for a few text msgs here and there during the day. I cried myself to sleep last night because I started wondering if us not talking meant something. I started wondering if he was on the pc talking to someone else. I felt insecure and scared. That is still to be expected. Betrayal is a roller coaster. Just ride with it. Vent here anytime you need or feel free to PM me if you need a private correspondence.

Hang in there.
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  #5  
February 27th, 2009, 02:05 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
mainly because of all of his complaining about me not doing enough to make him feel loved, needed and wanted. I dont really know what he wants from me but I've been trying for a while to try to do better.[/b]
I really hate to sound presumptuous .....but i am really bothered with self-satisfying people. What has he done to make you feel loved, cared for and above respected? Cheat on you? I think you should *as you so correctly do* think carefully if you want to marry a man causing so many fidelity (and more) issues prior to a heavy bond (marriage), because later when routine settles in and children burden the environment things might just blow out and be much harder than they are now. Talk it over with him, but above all talk it over with yourself. One of the most important things in relationships is being able to trust the other......missing that in combination with lack of respect (which comes from cheating) IMO is not a good recipe for a stable relationship that could include bio-children.....you seem like a sensible lady. You told things as they are yourself.

I wish you the best on it......
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  #6  
February 27th, 2009, 12:42 PM
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Chelle, first of all I am sorry for not getting to your post until now. I don't know how I missed it! Secondly, you need to STOP thinking that you somehow let him down or that he deserves better than you! You sound to me like an incredibly mature and intelligent woman and any man would be LUCKY to have you as his fiance/wife/girlfriend! There is NOTHING wrong with you spending time on building YOU by going to school and studying so don't think that you've let him down by not being there to bolster his ego! He's very insecure if he needs this other woman to make him feel good about himself when he should feel great about himself for having found such a wonderful woman (that'd be you!), then the problem lies with HIM not you! I think you are absolutely right to reconsider the marriage or for that matter even consider remaining in the relationship given that he has shown you he cannot be trusted. If it's innocent, why not tell you "Oh guess who I talked to today?" Why? Because it isn't innocent--or it isn't going to remain so. If this gal makes him feel so terrific about himself, why is he with you? Love and attraction are selfish based emotions. We fall for the people who fill a need in us--either because they add something wonderful to our lives or they fill a void in our lives. To me, I would wonder if it's just you and this other woman or if he's just one of those men who cannot fill that void in his life but keeps trying to do so with women! He's sucking the life out of you, Chelle! You said it yourself "I've never felt insecure about myself until getting with him and its mainly because of all of his complaining about me not doing enough to make him feel loved, needed and wanted. I dont really know what he wants from me but I've been trying for a while to try to do better." He is taking all the wonderful qualities that you possess and squashing them to make himself feel better. Because he sees what you are and is jealous of that confidence, self assuredness and the life that you so obviously possess that he does not, instead of learning how to be more like you, he is trying to make you more like him! If he can make you love him, make you become more like him, basically destroy you, then he shows himsself that he has power over you. Do not let him have power over you! You are too precious a gem to throw away like that! Relationships are partnerships. Each party has to bring something to it in order for it to be an equal partnership...what's he bringing? You've brought intelligence, poise, class, sophistication and a wonderful soul...he has brought...well let's see. Umm....gee. Oh, this is hard. Well about all I can see that he has brought is he has brought YOU down! The house and car can be sold, refinanced in your name only, whatever. That should not tie you to him for life! Chances are from the sound of things he is probably not pulling his full share of that either! If you leave it with him, get your name OFF the deed/title! If you keep it, get HIS off! Get rid of him and find yourself someone who is on the same level with you, sweetie because you got it wrong. he doesn't deserve someone better YOU DO!
I think your post clearly says that you know this all to be true...you're just not sure anymore about your ability to make decisions. I know that feeling honey. I lived it for 22 years! Believe in YOURSELF! Don't doubt yourself, Chelle! You are too smart to do that! You know that this isn't right for you...follow your heart. It will lead you out of this relationship and when the right man does come along, your heart will sing and you will KNOW it's the right one! YOU DESERVE THAT!
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  #7  
February 27th, 2009, 09:47 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 2,646
Quote:
Chelle, first of all I am sorry for not getting to your post until now. I don't know how I missed it! Secondly, you need to STOP thinking that you somehow let him down or that he deserves better than you! You sound to me like an incredibly mature and intelligent woman and any man would be LUCKY to have you as his fiance/wife/girlfriend! There is NOTHING wrong with you spending time on building YOU by going to school and studying so don't think that you've let him down by not being there to bolster his ego! He's very insecure if he needs this other woman to make him feel good about himself when he should feel great about himself for having found such a wonderful woman (that'd be you!), then the problem lies with HIM not you! I think you are absolutely right to reconsider the marriage or for that matter even consider remaining in the relationship given that he has shown you he cannot be trusted. If it's innocent, why not tell you "Oh guess who I talked to today?" Why? Because it isn't innocent--or it isn't going to remain so. If this gal makes him feel so terrific about himself, why is he with you? Love and attraction are selfish based emotions. We fall for the people who fill a need in us--either because they add something wonderful to our lives or they fill a void in our lives. To me, I would wonder if it's just you and this other woman or if he's just one of those men who cannot fill that void in his life but keeps trying to do so with women! He's sucking the life out of you, Chelle! You said it yourself "I've never felt insecure about myself until getting with him and its mainly because of all of his complaining about me not doing enough to make him feel loved, needed and wanted. I dont really know what he wants from me but I've been trying for a while to try to do better." He is taking all the wonderful qualities that you possess and squashing them to make himself feel better. Because he sees what you are and is jealous of that confidence, self assuredness and the life that you so obviously possess that he does not, instead of learning how to be more like you, he is trying to make you more like him! If he can make you love him, make you become more like him, basically destroy you, then he shows himsself that he has power over you. Do not let him have power over you! You are too precious a gem to throw away like that! Relationships are partnerships. Each party has to bring something to it in order for it to be an equal partnership...what's he bringing? You've brought intelligence, poise, class, sophistication and a wonderful soul...he has brought...well let's see. Umm....gee. Oh, this is hard. Well about all I can see that he has brought is he has brought YOU down! The house and car can be sold, refinanced in your name only, whatever. That should not tie you to him for life! Chances are from the sound of things he is probably not pulling his full share of that either! If you leave it with him, get your name OFF the deed/title! If you keep it, get HIS off! Get rid of him and find yourself someone who is on the same level with you, sweetie because you got it wrong. he doesn't deserve someone better YOU DO!
I think your post clearly says that you know this all to be true...you're just not sure anymore about your ability to make decisions. I know that feeling honey. I lived it for 22 years! Believe in YOURSELF! Don't doubt yourself, Chelle! You are too smart to do that! You know that this isn't right for you...follow your heart. It will lead you out of this relationship and when the right man does come along, your heart will sing and you will KNOW it's the right one! YOU DESERVE THAT![/b]
couldn't have said it better. Can i copy paste that for a very close friend of mine that is totally 'wasting' herself on a useless piece of ####?? a man that brings her constantly down by telling her (TO HER FREAKING FACE) 'You managed nothing with your life. Look were you are...look what you did, you are worth nothing'.....and she remains with him still... And on a second note why aren't you coming to the blended families anymore? I miss your input.
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  #8  
February 28th, 2009, 06:17 AM
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LOL I miss it too sweetie! I am just so incredibly busy these days! I did promise that I would go there today though and at least say hi! How's that precious little girl of yours?
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  #9  
February 28th, 2009, 10:18 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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LOL I miss it too sweetie! I am just so incredibly busy these days! I did promise that I would go there today though and at least say hi! How's that precious little girl of yours?[/b]
Burning the sleep out of us.... She is going through a growing phase now or something and she just DOESN'T sleep! ARGHHH....wanna bang my head to the wall to see if it makes a hole or something..... On another note she is grown a LOT...she is 13 pounds now and 24,6 inches tall and technically she is almost 3 months and not 4 since she was a month earlier preemie......Ped said she is tall! She is also teething, PED saw her gums and they are puffed up which means the first teeth are starting to break through. Adds to her fussiness. Lord i NEVER thought a baby is so much work, but lady it is HEAVEN also! .....I miss you though.....you always know what to say. Not to suit anyones wants, but because it is so balanced with logic. And in times of panic, stress of over tiredness you NEED someone balanced to tell you what goes!.....


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  #10  
February 28th, 2009, 02:57 PM
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Babies are a lot of work because they are practicing to be adults. LOL
You know...you've got all the answers you need right there in your siggie. Read it. Follow it. Live it. You'll be fine.
Chelle, I hope you don't mind that we kinda took off with your thread here. I DO hope that you found some help here with our responses to you. I also hope that you'll feel like you can come here and vent or cry or rejoice anytime you want! And please feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk more privately.
HUGS!
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  #11  
March 1st, 2009, 08:23 PM
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No problem Dani!

Thanks ladies for all of your help and for letting me vent. DF and I decided to go to counseling to work things out. We're making progress now, but I still think that counseling will assist us in a major way. We're more open with eachother now, but it's still early so I dont know how things are going to pan out. He also let me know that a lot of the issues that he has with me is really with himself, but he just cant figure it out. He wanted to go to counseling earlier in our relationship, but just never brought it up

Although we've set a wedding date, I REFUSE to get married if we dont have a solid foundation built and he knows this. I'm not the one to just jump into marriage just to say I'm married. It's a life long, important commitment, that I wont take lightly.

BTW Xenon - As an engagement gift (we just had our party on Saturday), we received The Five Love Languages, which I thought was really ironic but greatly needed!
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  #12  
March 1st, 2009, 10:49 PM
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Location: Texas
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BTW Xenon - As an engagement gift (we just had our party on Saturday), we received The Five Love Languages, which I thought was really ironic but greatly needed![/b]

How funny! I'm so happy to hear that you and your DF are talking more now. ANYTIME you need to talk, pm me.
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  #13  
July 8th, 2010, 12:02 PM
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I am someone who was involved in the internet cheating... i never met a girl or called anyone, but i looked, and messages ended up in my inbox... she saw them and one day i came home and she wasn't there...

i babbled and stuttered trying to explain that it was a stupid obsession that i had during a month when i was out of work and online allll day looking for jobs, dicking around online, and i was curious, and started snooping around at things...

if anything, i'm lucky it generated spam, and not real responses, because it would have made things even worse... i showed her my phone and everything, but the cheating had already been committed...

ironically, our honeymoon was a short 2 weeks away, and she believed me when i said that it was a stupid thing that i got into, and it meant nothing, and i was ready to be a mature adult in a committed relationship, but now, a month later, right when i have a gig on fri night, and my friend's wedding in Pennsylvania, she decides that she can't stop thinking about "why I should stay with someone who does that."

She is right... but something has to account for forgiveness, for feeling inadequate... making a mistake? I wasn't sleeping around, I wasn't calling girls, etc. But I did "cheat." She left for South Carolina to spend some time with her sister and her sister's husband and 2 kids (our nieces) and I'm so embarassed... I know she needs time to think about things, but I also feel like it's beating a dead horse... i was really "that guy" who did NOTHING wrong.... I was "the perfect guy" until this happened, and I feel terrible to hurt this beatiful woman...

My point, is that I really hope that she realizes that we do have at least 60 yrs left in this lifetime, and that to forgive me for this flaw one time, would mean the most to us, because i f*ed up... I would never do it again, and I was terrified when I was caught...

If things were switched around, I would want her sincere apology and it would take time to build trust again, but it HAS to be a little bit easier when there isn't another girl involved right? : /
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