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Falling Apart at the Seams....


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
September 17th, 2009, 10:41 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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I am so lost, I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I have been married 8 years. Together for 10. We have two amazing children, who are my first and foremost priority in life. My husband has always had a temper...but so did his father, who changed his life around, is a pastor, and now one of the most gentle, caring men I know. This is one of the reasons I countined with this man for this long...I just assumed he would change like his father. Madison came along 3 years into our Marriage. I have always been 100% caretaker of our children. I can count on ONE hand for BOTH kids together, how many times he has changed a diaper, given a bath or put them to bed (and carrying them up from the car or couch doesn't count!). I also am a SAHM, so I do all of the cleaning, cooking, etc...he does the outside chores and finances. I have no problem with those allocations at all, but I always thought he would at least help me with baths, bed and diapers at night. No. He was an okay father with Maddy...nothing to brag about, but not terrible. But, he always has had issues with our babies crying...he cannot stand it, says it makes his ears hurt, says for me to make them shut up. I would always do my best...and if they didn't...he would just yell at them, like that would ever help. Then...we got pregnant with Hunter. I thought that he would be super happy, b/c he wanted a boy so much. He has treated my son way worse than my daughter, is much harder on him as far as expectations go. If he cries and throws a tantrum (he is 2) he will just scream at him sometimes. He used to call him a b@st@rd when he would do something wrong....now, he has resorted to threatening my children. For example: we were all camping one weekend, went to go get groceries and as we headed into the store, Hunter tried to grab his glasses...he literally took his hand looked him straight in the eye and said "No, Hunter! Do it again, and I will break your fingers!" I lost it...I told him if he ever did, i would call CPS on him...his response "go ahead". In the past month, he has gotten slightly better, but if he is with the kids for a long period of time (like Labor Day weekend)...he loses it, and start screaming. I try telling him this is verbal/emotional abuse, he doesn't think it is. He says he hates how I discipline the kids, I am not hard enough. I asked him if he honestly believed that kids should be beat everytime they do something wrong...he couldn't answer me...which tells me he does. IDK what to do anymore. I don't love him anymore, either. I realized that also about a month ago. I am not happy, started to get depressed over the whole thing. However, I am scared to death...I don't think he would physically hurt us, but I know he would hate me forever. I have no job, no money of my own. IDK if I should leave, or make him...IDK what to tell my kids...or if I am being stupid about this whole situation. I feel so lost and alone most of the time. I have asked him ALOT about going to counseling...he doesn't want to. Tells me there is no point...and he thinks if he goes, all his guns will be taken away (he hunts). I have started hating him, and I don't want that either. I am also scared to let the kids be alone with him on weekends...even know I worry if he is home and I am gone for more than an hour. I have good support from my family, except for my father, b/c he doesn't want to see me go through divorce. I have lots of friends who are also supportive, but haven't given me advice enough to know what to do. I am just a wreck, and I want closure one way or the other. I just feel stuck with no sure answers. I am also the kind of person who doesn't like to be alone...

I apologize for that be all over the place...there is alot more to his abuse with the kids...and me, for that matter, although until I really thought about it, I didn't see it was there...anyway...any advice would be great.
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  #2  
September 17th, 2009, 02:17 PM
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he for one is DEFINATLEY being emotionally abusive towards the kids.....that is NOT a situation the kids need to be in they dont need to grow up fearing their father is going to break their bones...regardless if he would never follow through with it....those kids BELIEVE what he says....your husband NEEDS COUNSELING BAD!!!! and until then you need to get the kids away from him and yourself.....it will be hard but you are not in a healthy relationship right now.....there are always ways of doing things.....do you have any family around?? it would probably be best for you to move out to avoid any conflict and move in with some family members for a while or really close friends til you can get up on your feet with a job and figure out child care....and you need to go for full custody and make sure if he has visitation it is SUPERVISED you need to tell a lawyer all the threats he has made towards the children.....it will be hard but right now you need to do what is best for yourself and the kids....and stay around him is not for the best
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  #3  
September 17th, 2009, 10:27 PM
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Oh I feel for you! You are singing my song! I lived your life for many years--22 to be exact. During that time, I saw the man I married because he was so wonderful with his neices and nephew go from being a proud yet distant father, to being an abusive pig. I was a SAHM too and had not worked until the year before our divorce--mostly because I wanted time away from him and the kids were old enough that they could understand to stay away from him. At 17, my oldest son was thrown out of the house after my (then) husband got physical with him because he wouldn't take out the trash "RIGHT NOW". He had him up against the wall threatening to kill him. That was the first time I called the cops on him. My punishment was that my wonderful son was moved 45 minutes away from me. My ex paid his rent and expenses but would not let him come home. This is the same boy who on a cross country trip got bored and started fighting with his brother on the third day on the road. My ex pulled onto the side of the highway and beat him with a plastic bottle. He left seven fist sized bruises on his legs. On the night my marriage ended, he came hom drunk at 1:30 in the morning, shone a flashlight in my eyes and told me "we have to talk. Get the f*** up!" I told him to go sleep it off. He pulled the blankets off me and I pushed his hands away and told him to get the he** off me. He took the steel flashlight and began beating me with it. My then 14 year old son heard the commotion and came in the bedroom to find his father beating his mother so he pulled him off me and said "DAD! What are you doing?". His father turned on him and began beating him up and for once I stood up like I should have done all along and pulled him off. He started in on me and Steven--my son-- pulled him off me again and threw him up against the wall and screamed "DAD! What the hell are you doing? Stop it!" My ex then pulled away and said "Fine if that's how you're going to treat your own father? Push me against the wall? I will kill everyone in the fu***ing house!" He went into the kitchen which was right next to the master bedroom and he pulled open the drawer where we kept the knives. Steven and I slammed the door shut and I called the police...again. Tori, my daughter was asleep upstairs and hard as I tried, Steven would not let me open that door to get her. While we waited for the police we stayed in that room and I worried that my baby would be murdered in her sleep by her own father. When the police finally got there, maybe 5 minutes later but it seemed like a lifetime--I raced upstairs and Steven let them in. Thank God, my daughter was asleep unharmed. We left the house that night and checked into a hotel at 3 am. I had two black eyes, a busted lip, bruised cheekbone, bumps and bruises all over my head, shoulders, arms and back and a broken thumb which to this day gives me troubles sometimes. My son and daughter lost their home, their friends, their financial security, their college fund, and their lifestyle in one night. My ex's reason for this? He thought I was having an affair. I wasn't. His stupid paranoid arse could not believe that though no matter how hard I had tried in the previous two years to convince him and no matter that 2 separate private investigators had also come up with nothing and the phone taps that he had placed on the phone showed no suspicious calls and the keystroke recorder he had on the computers showed no contact with anyone and the video cameras that he had hidden in the bedroom, bathroom, closet, my office and the kitchen also showed nothing. Paranoid? To say the least! My only sin was that I had--like you-- realized I didn't love him anymore and I probably never had. I also realized through 5 years of therapy, that I wasn't to blame for every little thing that went wrong in the world like he had me convinced that I was. I realized that I was actually a good person who deserved much more than the crap I was getting from him so I stopped being quiet about his abuse and started telling him NO when I didn't want to have sex and NO when he wanted me to do things that I didn't want to do and NO when he told me it was my fault he got mad at the kids and all the other million little things that I did because I didn't feel like I had the right NOT to! In his mind, it could not be that I had had enough...it had to be there was someone else.
I know you are scared. I know you want to do what is right for your kids but you're not sure that taking them away from him is right. I know you are afraid of what he might do. I know you're afraid of being alone. Here's the thing. You are your children's role model. Not him. YOU. From YOU they are learning how a woman acts...what she should expect...what is her "role" in a family. Your daughter is learning this is what she has to expect. And believe me, she will seek out someone who treats her just as bad as your husband is treating you and the kids AND QUITE POSSIBLY she will find someone worse. Your son is learning that his mom, THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN HIS LIFE, accepts her lot in life and takes it when his dad treats her like that. He is learning that only men have power and they can do no wrong--just as his father learned that from his father and no doubt it goes farther back than that. Break the cycle! Show them that you are NOT someone's whipping boy and that you don't deserve to be treated like that! Show them that all women deserve more than that. Don't worry about what your father thinks or that he doesn't want you to get a divorce. Your father isn't living your life. He doesn't get to decide what the right course of action is for you! Don't sit around waiting for him to have this magical wake up like his dad did and suddenly become this gentle, loving man. Chances are VERY small that his father's wake up call was something he came to on his own. In all likelihood, he lost it one day on either one of his children or his wife and THEN had this metamorphosis. Very seldom does someone like that change overnight without the benefit of some catastrophic event propelling them into it. Your husband needs anger management and in depth counseling to deal with his issues--which in all likelihood are far more complex than you know. What you have described is someone who has a great deal of rage inside them. That rage will usually be traced back to severe child abuse in one form or another. That isn't something that one "gets a clue" about and has this lightbulb moment and from thereafter is "cured". And I don't think you want you or one of the kids to be the "catastrophic event" catapault that launches him forward into realization and self awareness! You do NOT want to have to go through what I went through that night. Nothing brings you back down to reality like standing in the lobby of a hotel at 3 am in your nightgown while some pimply faced moron asks you if you have a reservation. Until that night, I had this nice little cocoon of denial that I was safely wrapped in. It was green and smelled of money. Only 8 more years until my daughter turned 18 and then I could get out. If I could just hold on, I will have done right by my kids. I can save up enough money that I won't need him anymore. Well, my kids are all better off now that I am free of their father and they have learned what a good relationship between a man and a woman looks like by watching my husband Tom and I. As a result, my son Steven has a fiance now who is the sweetest little thing you can imagine! She's smart and doesn't take anything off anyone. They are delightful to see together because the love they share is visible in how they treat each other and in the words they choose to use when they speak--unlike their father and I who were always calling each other names and disrespecting each other. As a result of my divorcing her father, my daughter wrote an essay on "The most influencial person in my life" and got an "A" on it. Did she write it about me? Nope. She did better. She wrote about her father. She detailed about the type of person he is and how he treats people and said he has been the most influencial person in her life because he has shown her now NOT to treat people and what NOT to do. Even my oldest son Michael, who was subjected to his father the most out of the three of them and has never known what it's like to live with a mom and dad who never fight--he has rejected his father's ways but sadly, has the most issues of them all. He got the worst of it because so often he took the blame for things his brother did to try to protect him. He is now a SGT. in the US Marines, Special Services Division. I can't undo what I did to my kids by staying so long in that marriage but I can tell my story to women like you who are struggling to find their path in life and with the decision of whether or not to stay. I can't make that choice for you. I can only tell you what I went through and my regrets in staying so long. No mother's son should have to pull their father off their mother to keep her from harm. No 14 year old should have to lay down his life to protect his mom. No 14 yr old should ever be made to feel like they have to protect his mom and sister or be the man of the house. No 14 yr old should...but mine did.
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Last edited by Blondzilla; September 17th, 2009 at 10:37 PM. Reason: typos
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  #4  
September 18th, 2009, 08:28 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Kristy, Dani, I just want to thank you. Honestly, I thought my fears were unfounded, until I read your story. I have had this fear it would get worse as the kids get older...and I would hate myself for putting them through it. Do I just up and go somewhere? I have no clue where to start. What sucks is that he has been better lately...but I am waiting for that to disinigrate, KWIM? It is also like he senses I am feeling like this...and is trying to placate me. IDK. I have so many things to sort out, and talking to a wonderful friend last night helped too...suggested I get everything in order, and just go. Unfortunately it wouldn't be for a couple months, when he leaves to go hunting for a week...Sigh...but at least it is a goal, right? Any other suggestions are very welcome! Thank you again, so much!
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  #5  
September 18th, 2009, 08:32 PM
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I can't tell you to just up and go. I can't tell you to stay. What I can tell you is to trust your instincts and your heart. Deep inside, you know if you and the children are safe and how much time you are prepared to maintain the illusion. Your fears are not unfounded. They're very real and very possible. Yes, I do know what you mean about waiting for it to disintegrate. I spent 22 years wondering when the next shoe would drop. I tried everything from hobbies to keep me busy and focused elsewhere so I wouldn't go crazy or just run away and hide, to going to movies 5 nights a week by myself. There were times I had seen every single movie that was playing in all the theaters around Atlanta at least twice. I just couldn't stand being home with him. I poured myself into the computer chat rooms--would sometimes spend 15 hours in a day online!!! I shopped almost every day...bought things we didn't need and that I really didn't want just because it helped fill the emptiness inside for a short time. My life consisted of my kids and my distractions...frankly it's a wonder I didn't wind up having an affair! My advice? IF you are going to leave, plan it. Get a job and save your money if you can...if not (and I KNOW I am going to get a bunch of heartache for saying this) stick $20--more if you can manage it-- in an account with someone you trust every time you go shopping. I KNOW how awful that sounds but let me tell you a cold hard fact about marriage and divorce. YOUR standard of living will drop dramatically no matter how much child support he pays IF he'll pay it without being forced to meanwhile his standard of living will increase. So while you and the kids are eating ramen noodles twice a week to make ends meet, he'll be taking women out to dinner twice a week and going away with his new girlfriend for a 5 day cruise. For 22 years I heard about how "we should go on a cruise." "Wouldn't it be nice to go on a cruise?" "I would love to go on a cruise."...did we? Nope. He made $300,000 a year and we never went on a friggin cruise. BUT...he is newly single and ticked off because I refuse to even THINK about going back to him so what does he do? Takes some bimbo he picked up at a bar on a 7 day cruise! HE KNEW HER THREE WEEKS! Yeah...take the friggin money. Get yourself the best lawyer you can possibly afford because I tell you in the long run if you try to do it yourself, you will regret it. I was the nice guy. Oh let's not give the lawyers our money! We're adults here! We can be objective and fair. BS! $300,000 a year and I wound up with $1800 a month in child support. Sounds like a lot but let me tell you it doesn't go far. ESPECIALLY when you're used to a certain lifestyle. On top of that, it dropped to $1000 a month when my son turned 18 and on Sunday my daughter will turn 18. She's still in high school so I have until she graduates but that happens in May. Not very far off! (make sure you stipulate that child support continues until the child turns 18 OR graduates--whichever occurs LAST! If your child graduates at 16 and still lives with you, you want it to continue until he/she turns 18 and moves out or starts college or whatever they're going to do, right? At the same time, if your child has a birthday which causes them to get a late start and thus graduate AFTER they have already turned 18 like my daughter, you want that CS to continue until she does! Same goes for health insurance. Also, you should BOTH have life insurance so that if something happens to one of you, the other can afford full time care for the kids. I know you don't want to think about it but you know that stress causes him to be worse. Since you can't deny him his children if something happens to you, you need to insure that you keep his stress level the lowest you possibly can. That means making sure it doesn't stretch his budget too far if they need something. Figure out aproximately what it costs to take care of your kids--add the increased utilities and housing expenses (extra bedrooms) child care full time and clothing school supplies and all those little things. Subtract the amt of child support he pays, multiply that times however many years your kids have until they turn 18. Add some cushion for emergencies and braces and things like that. You need at least that much on you. Take the amount of child support he would have to pay until BOTH children are 18 and add a substantial cushion of about 20%. That's how much he needs to maintain. HAVE THAT INCLUDED IN THE PAPERS!!!!The beneficiary can be a trustee--doesn't have to be him--so that someone you know can oversee the children's needs and make sure that he isn't buying himself a new car and taking a bimbo on a cruise with that money. That will also ensure that it lasts. In your will (which you DEFINITELY want to have drawn up!) you can stipulate who the trustee would be--family member, lawyer, whomever and whether or not they have the right to invest the money and if so, how they can do that. You can determine everything you want.
There is a lot to consider in all of this and no one should ever take breaking up a marriage lightly. I don't think you are doing that. I think you are genuinely concerned for your children and your well being as well. That's good. You need to be. It is possible that you asking for a divorce will wind up being that catapault that launches him into his metamorphosis that we talked about earlier. It can happen that he becomes a "new man" and that you two reconcile and live happily ever after. I hope it does. I hope you fall passionately in love with him again and that the two of you have a wonderful life together from that point on. If that happens, take the money you squirreled away and take HIM on a 7 day cruise! But if it doesn't, you won't have to worry about how you're going to pay for the Uhaul or storage unit. You won't have to decide if you pay the electric bill or buy groceries. You won't have to ask your parents for money...when the greatest joy of your life was being able to help them out when you were married. Being able to take them on a vacation and give them money for the things they wanted but could not justify spending money on--like my mother's Westie that she dreamed of having for so many years. Watching her eyes light up when we finally got her her puppy...knowing that no matter what happened in her life, that was going to be one of her most wonderful memories. To turn around just a few years later and ask to borrow $700 to fix your car, knowing that you would probably never be able to pay her back. Knowing she'd never ask. Yeah...take the money.
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  #6  
September 21st, 2009, 06:12 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Well...here is my hugest problem. I am on a spending limit for groceries each week. If it were to suddenly go up 20 bucks...he would wonder. And...we live in "poor country" where he makes 35, 000 a years...and I have no job. If I were to GET a job, I would have little to put away, b/c I would be paying for childcare. He does the finances...and demands paystubs, receipts, etc. So...saving money is not going to happen for me, sadly. I am thinking of calling Renewal House today, b/c that is why they are there. I live an extremely frugal life. We have always been comfortable, but I get the kids clothes at yard sales, thrift storest, etc. So...I know how to make money last. I just don't know where to start, and I am hoping RH will help me out. They are designed for women in abusive relationships...and I just need a starting point. My mother works for Walmart....says she can get me a job there quickly...and department of social services can pick up childcare...but it would have to be AFTER this ends, b/c otherwise they take into account his pay. I have no clue how to afford a lawyer...nor do I know if ones good or not. I have spent all weekend wanting to talk to him...but there are guns in the house...and I don't *think* he would use them...but it is a fear. So...I have 3 choices...just leave...tell him away from the house and kids (but we would eventually have to go back)...or tell him with family around. IDK which is best. I wish I knew. But, last night was my deciding point, when Hunter (my 2 year old) was pushing on the plexi glass window of our Entertainment center. Joel got up from his chair and screamed "HUNTER! YOUR GONNA DIE!" I just, deep inside, lost it. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep...it is just over inside me...now I just have to figure out WTH to do! The stupid, stupid thing is, I worry what his parents will say (I love them, they are really wonderful people)...our church family (yes, he claims to be a Christian and treats us this way)...etc. It is just hard to line up my plan...and not knowing what will come of all this. He may walk away quietly...he may fight...threaten suicide (he has done this before), etc. But, again...calling RH today, hopefully they can help me. Thanks, so much for your advice!
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  #7  
September 21st, 2009, 11:52 PM
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Oh hon, I am so sorry. It is indeed a terrible ordeal. My advice is if you know where the guns are and have access to them,, before you leave either take them with you or at the very least, take the firing pis from them all...and I mean ALL. He probably wouldn't notice the firing pins gone. I worry so much about situations like yours. During times like these, people don't think right. It only takes a moment for something to happen that changes the rest of your life--or ends it. Please be careful. Don't keep secrets. Tell your family...his family...your friends. The more people know what is going on, the more help you will get from them and the more people you have looking out for you. It's when everything is kept secret that no one watches over you. How often have you heard after the fact that no one knew...no one suspected. If you think for an instant that he might be capable of harming you or the children, GET OUT! Don't wait. Just leave. Legal aid can represent you, there are state agencies like the one you mentioned that can help you get on your feet. For the first while at least, don't let him know where you live. If you need to see him for something do so in a public place. Your primary concern is to make sure you and your children are safe. If he threatens you or hurts you or the children, file charges against him--that will help you later on down the road when custody and visitation is being decided. It doesn't sound to me like he needs to be seeing the children unsupervised and definitely not overnight but without some provable history, you're not going to be able to get that. You need to be able to show a judge that he is unstable at the moment. If he makes threats, keep records of the exact words, date and times. If anyone over heard them, get them to write down what was said, the date and time as well.
I know how hard this is on you. Be aware and be careful...above all else, be safe. We're always here to listen and we will help you through this.
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  #8  
September 22nd, 2009, 06:24 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Thank you. I have gone to Renewal House and they are helping me. I got tomorrow morning, actually. I have been telling more and more people, including the people from our church. I am going to let them make the best suggestions. BUT, my mother...whom I am not too happy with right now....is asking me to wait to do this until AFTER my sisters wedding on Oct 17. Basically b/c he is in the wedding, as am I and both kids. Plus, his father is officiating. So...until then, I am stuck...BUT I am going to make sure I keep a log, like you suggested, of the times and dates of these events. I can do a few of them, backlogged...but alot (like the b@stard times) I cannot do dates and times...my sister has witnessed some things...as has my father, my mother and my friend. I have LOTS of witnesses. I am not saying I am a perfect parent...but...I just don't know what is wrong with this man....I will do an update tomorrow after my meeting...and the gun idea is a good one...OR I may have his father come and take them for safekeeping. Thanks, Dani!
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  #9  
September 22nd, 2009, 07:00 PM
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You are so welcome hon. I just wish you weren't going through this.
As for your mother and the idea of your staying until after your sister's wedding...ok. Here's the thing. She is not wanting to mess things up for the wedding because he's in the wedding and his father is doing the ceremony. I get that. But ask her this: How "messed up" is this wedding going to be if you show up with a black eye? How messed up is it going to be if one of the kids has their arm in a sling? How really messed up is it going to be if right afterward she has to bury her other daughter and her two grandkids? There are other ministers who will perform the ceremony if he balks. There are other best man candidates or ushers or whateever capacity he was going to serve. HOWEVER, there is only ONE YOU and ONE of each of your children. Yeah we don't want to take any of the joy out of your sister's wedding. It's her day and she should be allowed to enjoy every second of it. But...so should you. So should your children. Only you know how bad it is and if you're safe waiting until after the wedding. No one else. If YOU think it's ok, and you want to wait, then that's fine! BUT...if you don't feel safe or you just want to get the heII out of there NOW, then you just have to lay it on the line for them and tell them that's how it is going to be. You're not being selfish. You're not stealing your sister's glory. You're certainly not doing this on purpose. You are in a very difficult situation and you're trying to get through it in one piece. As your family, they need to support you and to understand that YOU have every bit as much right to happiness as your sister does and should not be penalized just because her wedding falls so closely to the demise of your marriage.
As for letting his father take the guns, be careful there too. Your aim here is to remain safe not just while you're in the process of moving out but after that as well. Here's my thought on the situation. If he never mentions the firing pins, then you will know he hasn'[t even THOUGHT of firing the guns. If he does, then you know that thought has aat the very least, passed through his conscious mind and that's dangerous. If after a time he is dealing with your breakup and not mentioning them, you can give them back. His father can be "talked into" it by your husband's reassurances and promises. Parents want to believe in their kids no matter what truths are staring them in the face. Who wants to think their son is capable of doing harm of that nature to anyone, let alone his precious family. But we all know it does happen. Don't worry about offending anyone--they'll get over it a lot faster with you alive than they would if they talk you into doing things their way then find out you were right. If they don't get over being offended by you, tough! At least YOU will!
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  #10  
September 23rd, 2009, 12:19 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Well...I went to Renewal House today. They are having me come visit them once a week till this all happens. She gave me a checklist of things to get (birth certificates, DL, SS cards, pay stubs, etc). She said to get originals if possible, if not, then copies. She just said it would make this all easier. IDK about that, but I have 3 weeks to do my best. Most of this stuff is up in the office, and is easily ready to just grab...but i want to do it little by little...my mom will safe hold it all for me. I have decided to stay until after my sister's wedding. I don't seem him as THAT big of a threat, currently. BUT, they (RH) have a safe-house if I need it. She said to call 24/7 as needed, and they will help me. I feel safer, now. I have been telling everyone I know won't say anything to my husband. Next week we are discussing how to tell him...and I am going to see about the guns too. They know he has weapons, so I am talking ALL precautions. If I can figure out where those firing pin thingy's are ....I will remove them. I know nothing about them. The only problem I forsee is that hunting season is coming up that SAME week. He WILL notice b/c he will be taking them hunting. So, again...I don't want him to know I have done this...so...IDK. The counselor was shocked by some of his behavior...and that makes me feel worse...by that I mean that I haven't realized this earlier and gotten out earlier. I told her I don't want to ever deny him of his children, but that I will be going for FULL custody along with supervised visits. Even if that means that he comes to my place to see them...or his parents are with him...I don't care. The other worry I have is they said that until custody is final, the school can legally let him take Madison out of school. That scares me to death. I don't know if he would do that, but he might just to scare me and piss me off, you know? We will see. This is all stuff I have to get into order. Taking it one day at a time. I also bought my notebook logger today. So...I need to fill that out. Keep track of things. Thanks again! I can now see a little light at the end of all this....
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  #11  
September 23rd, 2009, 11:32 PM
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Well it sounds like you are taking precautions to make sure that things go your way and that is good! I am thankful that there is someplace to go in the middle of the night if you need it.
As far as your daughter's school goes, go up and make some friends. Talk to whoever would be in charge of sending for her or going to get her, the secretary, the principal, the administrators. Explain the situation to them and ask them if they would just give you a courtesy call if he shows up. They can give you five or ten minutes before they produce her and hand her over to him. At least then you know he has taken her.
I know you're going to be on pins and needles until this is over. I wish I could make it all go by quickly for you. Just be careful and plan like you're doing. Don't be paranoid but be aware.
We're here...always.
HUGS!
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  #12  
September 25th, 2009, 04:45 PM
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Hey Jessica. I wanted to come and give you some huge hugs. i will have to go back and read you posts. I sent you my phone number, so if you ever need anything PLEASE call me. (((HUGS)))
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  #13  
September 25th, 2009, 04:51 PM
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OK hun I just read your posts. I am nearly in tears. That is NOT ok. Not at all. I am sooo glad you decided to go to Renewal house. Like I said on PP I have been there(well different place, but you get the idea). It was rough, but the best thing I ever did.
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  #14  
September 28th, 2009, 06:41 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Thanks, ladies! I am going back to RH on Wed. I am trying to keep peace here at home until they give me suggestions on how to leave. My first big tackle is getting the temp custody and housing. Then....go from there. My sister (the one getting married) is also offering to let us stay with her for a few weeks until we get an apartment. Just Sunday Joel called Hunter a "*******" and "I'm gonna kill you" over stupid little things, like flushing our upstairs toilet! The sad thing is, this is going to just hit him, so hard...I don't think he has a clue. Is that just plain evil of me? I mean, really....should I give him warning?
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  #15  
September 28th, 2009, 07:48 PM
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Hi, I know I am late in this discussion, but your story touched me. And, I wanted to tell you that I know what you are going through. I am not personally going through anything like you, but my sister is. She had the exact same kind of husband, until a few months ago when she tried to defend her daughter and her ex husband threw her down and started choking her. She got away, and he was thrown out. Unfortunately, leaving is only the beginning of the problems. Her husband moved out and stopped paying everything. She was a stay-at-home mom of three year old triplets. In the following months, she would have been evicted if it wasn't for my dad. Her water was turned off. And, he came back and took all the food out of the house. According to our state, she couldn't file for divorce for three months with legal aid. So for three months, she has to survive on no income. And, her ex doesn't want to see her kids. In fact, all he wants is to call and tell her how lousy she is and how he should have done better when he had his fingers around her throat. I have to tell you that I still get chills when I think about what could have happened. My point is Blondie is right, your standard of living will go down. And, his will go up. So I think you are on the right track getting everything settled. Another problem with our state is that if you let him know that you are trying to get help and they try to serve him with a court order to appear for child support, if he can dodge them, he can buy time before he has to start paying. He is only responsible for child support from the day he is served. So for that time, you have no right to child support or back child support. I don't know if your state is like that, but if it is, you will definitely be glad to have things in order before you move out. As far as the abuse, I don't know if things would have gone that far with your husband, but he has some major problems. I think you are doing the right thing by getting your kids out. You never know with people like that. He needs counseling, badly. I know it is a tough up-hill battle. There were times when I thought my sister wasn't going to make it. But, in the end, it pays off. She is healthier and happier. And, she is finally starting to put her life back together. If you can get through this part, it does get better...its not easy, but its better. And, maybe your husband will get a wake-up call and get the help he needs. I can't say whether he will or not. If he does, then you have to decide to go back to him or not. But, without that help, he doesn't need to be alone around your children. Unfortunately, it takes years of help to get better. And, honestly, he has to be willing to put in the time. Your only concern should be yourself and your children. People may not understand your reasoning, but nobody deserves to be treated that way. Unfortunately, no one else is ever going to understand what you have been going through so you have to make your own decisions on what you think is best. The only other thing I can say is that I am sorry that you are going through all of this. And, I hope that you are able to get things arranged. Good luck with everything. And, please keep us updated.

Last edited by HistMomof1; September 28th, 2009 at 07:51 PM.
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  #16  
September 29th, 2009, 06:39 AM
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Jessica, from your post I can tell that you're going to have some really difficult times ahead with feelings of guilt. You need to stop that. YOU did nothing to deserve his abusive behavior. Your children did nothing to deserve his abusive behavior. It is VITAL that you understand and BELIEVE that or you will find yourself going back into either this abusive relationship or another one. What would you tell your sister or a friend that was in the same situation you are in now? You'd tell them they deserve better, wouldn't you? Well why is it that we always think everyone else deserves better but we don't? I know. I have been there. Histmomof1 is right. It's going to be tough and there will be times you don't think you can make it. If you stick to it you will look back on this as the best thing you ever did and you will feel proud of yourself and your accomplishments. I do! I deserved better than I was getting and so do you!
I liken this to emotional rape. You don't blame the victim and no one deserves to be raped. I tell my daughter all the time, I don't care if you dance naked on the table in front of a guy, the moment you say stop and he doesn't it is RAPE! (granted, you don't want to push that one in court but you get my drift here) Well the moment his abuse was pointed out to him and he didn't stop it, it became HIS fault anything happened because of it. Now at any given point he may stop and his "crime" would be less but quite frankly he's past the point of no return now. You don't tell your child you're going to kill them! Your poor son! My ex was emotionally abusive as well as physically abusive to my children. At the time, I was so far gone that I didn't see it for what it was most of the time. I can't count the number of times I should have put my foot down and left. I didn't. My oldest son Michael, was told constantly he would never amount to anything. He was stupid, he was useless, he was such a f***ing moron...etc. To this day he has self esteem issues. My middle son was forced to grow up overnight and lost his teenage years because he felt so responsible for me and his sister's well being. He felt like he had to "man up" so he did. I told him hundreds of times he was still a kid and it wasn't HIS responsibility to take care of ME, it was MINE to take care of HIM! But..he didn't listen. He started working at age 15 and would bring home groceries with his paychecks. Since he worked in a grocery store, whenever they'd have something on sale that we could keep and wouldn't spoil, he'd stock up. He would never take any money from me for them either. He'd say "Oh I just wanted some of those so bad so I got a bunch...I guess I bought more than I really needed to but it just looked so good!". I knew what he was doing of course, but I also knew that it wasn't fair. He should be going to the movies with his friends on Friday nights instead of working to help put food on the table! And then there is my daughter, Tori. Tori was only 9 when this all happened. She has lived half her life as the child of divorced parents. For the past 3 years she has had my husband, Tom as a role model for how a man should be. From her father, she has endured emotional abuse like you would not believe....but she knows she doesn't deserve it and that isn't how it's supposed to be. I thank God that she understands this because I never want her to feel the way I used to feel.
OK so I am not telling you about my own kids just to talk about them (although give me half a reason and i will go on for hours!) I want you to understand that although Hunter may not be showing signs of the scars that will never heal from his father's abuse, they are there. Every time his daddy tells him "I'll kill you!" or says "You *******!" it opens up those wounds. Everytime they're reopened, the scars get more and more pronounced. Eventually, they become...who your husband is today. Emotionally abused children grow up to be emotionally abusive adults. Emotionally abused children feel powerless and frustrated. They long to have power over someone to equal out that lack in their lives and so they either pick on their younger brothers and sisters--which Michael did to my middle son, Steven RELENTLESSLY!--or they pick on classmates or if they can't do that, they will take it out on animals--pets, wildlife...whatever. NO ONE wants to feel like they are the lowest totum on the pole so they seek out ways to feel superior to someone or something else. We see that everyday with bullies and judgemental people. We may not like them at all but we do understand that there is something missing in them that makes them that way. They usually have the lowest self esteem of anyone! This is your husband. Yeah ok, we feel sorry for him because we understand that he went through years of abusive behavior to create someone who could say something like that to a child BUT...he isn't a child anymore. He is an adult who is fully capable of understanding that he should not treat his son like that and he is fully capable of finding help IF HE WANTS TO. Right now, he doesn't want to because for the first time in his life, he has complete and total power over another human being! Hunter is captive! He CAN'T leave or stand up for himself! He can do or say (in theory, of course) anything he wants to and there is nothing Hunter can do to stop him...so he does. Right now, Hunter's "crimes" are small--as small as he is. Flushing the toilet, spilling his sippy cup, leaving toys scattered around. What happens in 4 or 5 years? What happens in 10? What happens to Hunter the first time he brings home a failing grade? Or doesn't make the team? Or gets a speeding ticket? What price will he have to pay for being "just a kid"? What price does he have to pay for being "normal"? I assure you, it will be much higher than it should be. Hunter has the right, as do all children, to fail and to be average! Hunter has the right to feel safe and loved at home. Hunter has the right to feel as though no matter what happens, there are people who will love him UNCONDITIONALLY--his family. Moms and dads are supposed to love their children just for being! Yeah they get mad and yes they feel disappointments when their children don't do their best but they don't threaten to kill you or throw you out of the house or hit you or anything else that our ex's have done to their kids. For a time it became almost a joke with Tori. She'd call me and say "Can you come and pick me up? Dad threw me out of his life again and I am not his daughter anymore so I need a ride home". I'd drive the ten minutes to his house and she'd be sitting IN THE DARK with no streetlights around, on the curb in front of his house with her overnight bag beside her because he wouldn't let her wait inside. Don't let that happen to your children. Don't let them become so jaded by his behavior that it seems "normal" to them! ALL of you deserve soooooo much more than that!
HUGS!
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  #17  
September 30th, 2009, 06:23 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Thank you both. I know this. They don't deserve it. I am just so scared, you know? I know it is best...I know I can do this...in fact, I am applying for a job tomorrow that I would ADORE, and would be perfect for me and the kids...working as a teacher at a daycare! Also, I am calling on an apartment that comes available Nov 1, and my sister said we could stay at her house, so I can do that for a couple weeks after I tell him. 17 more days....I am counting down. Well...more like 20, b/c that is the actual day of the wedding, and I won't do that to my sister. I went to RH again today...they helped some, told me to organize all my options before I decide on them (as far as how to tell him, etc). I am glad I am planning all this so that I have a stable start. Oh, and to answer the child support thing or spousal support...they back date here. So, I am lucky there. Basically from the time I leave. I want to do this as amicably as possible, but I have to plan for the worse. Do any of you have advice on how to tell him? That is the part I am SOOOOO scared about.
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  #18  
October 1st, 2009, 06:23 AM
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I wish I did. Unfortunately, most times it's not planned out but delivered in the heat of an argument. I would have the kids gone somewhere safe and I would deliver the news to him as a "temporary" solution rather than a permanent one to give him some time to get used to the idea. With his temper, I worry about you telling him at the house where the guns are (and yes, I am being very blunt here but I don't know him and I don't know what he is or isn't capable of so I am going to assume the worst). I think for that reason, I would do so someplace other than home and THAT is also the reason I would tell him it is temporary. If he has NO hope of getting you back, then he has nothing to hold on to and may just go over the edge. I know it's dishonest but I fear for your safety and that's my primary concern. Once you're settled and he's had some time to get used to the idea, then you can let him know that you don't want to come back and you are ending the marriage. Remember: You have had all this time to get used to the idea that it's over. It's going to be brand new to him and he is a controlling person. He isn't going to like you taking control away from him or the idea that you're taking "his" children away or that you're standing up to him. The situation is completely unpredictable at this point because you have never faced this with him so you don't know how he's going to react. It is PARAMOUNT that you expect the absolute worst so that you're prepared if it happens. If he accepts it and agrees to everything or offers to get help with his anger and work on things then you can be pleasantly surprised. But be ready for ANYTHING!
I know you are scared. I was too. I stayed for ten years longer than I should have because I was so scared. I was miserable but afraid I could not make it on my own. In essense I had bought into what he preached to me about myself. But I made it. I prospered and I am happier now than I have ever been in my life! YOu will make it. It will be hard at times, I won't lie to you but in the end you will look back and feel a great sense of pride and accomplishment because you were able to manage things on your own. And you CAN do this!
HUGS!
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  #19  
October 2nd, 2009, 07:05 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Thanks, Dani. I have a plan to have one of his parents here and one of mine, so he doesn't feel "cornered" and yes, I had planned to tell him it was just temporary, b/c you know what? In a year or however long it takes, if he IS to get help, then, we could start going on dates and see what happens. However, I am pretty sure that I won't want him back.

Good news!! I called to see about apartments. They have some available! 3 bedrooms, w/d hookup, ready to move in! And....I called on a job! It is working part/full time as a teacher in a daycare center! It is mostly (durning the school year) part time, 20 hours a week...then rest of the time, though, it is full time! So...should be a good job....and I interview for it....TODAY!! OMG!! Things are amazingly falling into place a TON easier than I thought it would! I am still nervous about it all...but I think once it is OVER I will be able to breathe (and eat) again, lol. Not the best way for me to lose weight, whether I need to or not, haha! I will keep you all posted on the interview today, and I am also getting the pre-app for the apartment.
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  #20  
October 4th, 2009, 09:09 AM
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Awe, Jessica....I just read all your posts.....you are sounding so much better. More confident (and rightly so!) and I know you will be just fine and probably less stressed in many ways doing this by yourself. Im so happy for you! Hang in there...it's a lumpy bumpy ride. HUGS!
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