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please help- DH is leaving


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
September 22nd, 2009, 06:06 AM
Jarheadwed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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DH is separating from me- he says he just wants a break to consider a divorce or reconciliation but I don't think I can stay with him and deal with his hurtful behavior and drinking. I am five months pregnant. We are military so I am five hours from home, no family near, and he makes the majority of the money. I have two dogs I can not give up and no family will take in my dogs.

Any advice on protecting myself financially right now, on leaving, on starting over, on affording to keep my pets? He agrees right now to temporary (three years or less) spousal support, I am trying to get a lawyer together as fast as possible to get it in a postnup agreement. While no where near as good as a lawyer I did find a legal form online for it and we filled it out, it just needs to be notarized. To me it at least shows he had the intent to pay.
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  #2  
September 22nd, 2009, 05:45 PM
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OK first of all, do NOT use that form! There are SOOOO many things to consider when getting a divorce and those forms do not even touch most of them! For instance, this baby is BOTH of yours and you BOTH have a responsibility to see to it that he/she is well cared for and doesn't go without. Do you know how much to ask for in child support? No! You don't know how much this baby is going to cost yet! You may THINK you do, but trust me, they're a lot more expensive than you could imagine. Secondly, what about things like health insurance? He needs to cover the child until the child graduates high school OR turns 18--whichever comes LAST! Don't think it's that important? And if that doesn't seem all tht important right now, think about me. My daughter is diabetic. She wasn't born diabetic, she was diagnosed when she was 5. Since that time, she has been hospitalized 25 times! Each time is 3 days in Pediatric ICU. WITH INSURANCE I have more in outstanding bills than my husband and I make in a year. They're in collections. What about YOUR health insurance? He makes the money in the family...are you suddenly going to go without? Or are you just not going to go to a doctor when you're sick? What if you need emergency surgery?
Let's leave medical alone. What about LIFE insurance? If you die...how is he going to afford someone to care for the baby full time? What if he gets deployed? Who will raise the child? What if HE dies? (not combat related) Now you're not getting child support anymore...now what?
Let's leave life insurance. Who gets the car? If you get the car, will he maintain insurance on it so you can get the military rate? Do you get the sofa? Who gets the dishes, pots and pans, silverware, bedroom set, sheets, towels...all those things. It may seem like I am nitpicking but trust me on this one, you are going to NEED those things to get set up in your new home with your baby, and that baby is going to take up every spare dime you have! You're not going to be able to go out and buy new dishes and bedding. You have diapers to buy and wipes and sleepers and booties and toys and strollers and car seats and...do you see why I say don't try to do this yourself? Leave the thinking to someone else and let that person be the bulldog you need to be to get what you and the baby deserve!! He says right now that he will give you this and give you that. The FIRST TIME he has to sacrifice what HE wants because he has to pay you, he is going to BALK at this whole agreement and renege. You need to be prepared for that. What are you going to do? And believe me, unless he is one stand up guy, he WILL try to get out of it. (and my son is a Marine so I hate to speak bad of our boys but I'm being realistic.)
I am so sorry that your marriage is ending. This should be one of the most wonderful times of your life--having a baby together and building your dreams. It's such a shame that it's turned into something that you both seem unhappy with. You deserve to be happy and to have all your dreams come true. Your child deserves a happy home and being around parents who love him/her...it's just too bad they have to see him/her separately. BUT..it can work.
Right now I know you are confused and feel very much alone. You're not. We are here and have been through something similar--some worse, some easier but all difficult. We will do whatever we can to help you through this--listen, give advice, comfort, rejoice when something good happens and be sad with you when it doesn't. In the end, you will get through and be happier when you find someone who deserves what you have to offer and who treats you the way you SHOULD be treated.
I hope that helps!
HUGS!
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  #3  
September 23rd, 2009, 04:24 AM
stardusthealer's Avatar Super Mommy
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I agree with Dani, don't sign that paper.
I have been separated from my dh of 11.5 yrs for 5 mths we have 3 kids together that are with me. He lives 3.5 hours away he is in the Canadian Military. He moved his gf in a week after we separated so she was there with me and the kids. So they are currently living in OUR house.
I moved out almost 2 months ago back to my hometown in the 2 months I have been here he has given me 150 per pay check to help support the kids that is extremely low considering per month what he is suppose to be paying in cs would be 1040 for 3 kids. So I went to a lawyer. I know you probably want to be nice about all this BUT you also have to realize that there is nothing nice about divorce and or separating. You have to make sure you and your baby will be taken care of and that you are not going to get the short end of the stick here. I would look around online to see what the child support/spousal support guidelines are for your state. Your husband may be being nice now but when it hits him in the wallet he will most likely turn.

Last edited by stardusthealer; September 23rd, 2009 at 04:30 AM.
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  #4  
September 23rd, 2009, 06:48 AM
Rebecca^'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I know that while you are still married but separated you are entitled to his full BAH until there is another order in place. Make sure you have your OWN checking account and you need to take that information - account number and routing number to his commander and/or finance. You are entitled to that until you have an official court order stating a different amount for support. You are also entitled to be moved back to YOUR home of record. You also need to contact his command. The military will move you and your belongings back home.

Good luck. I don't post much but since I saw this and I have some knowledge, I thought I'd throw it out there.
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  #5  
September 23rd, 2009, 03:41 PM
Jarheadwed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Assuming he pays it willingly, once the baby is born how long until I see child support? Can we start filling out paperwork for the child support before the birth?
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  #6  
September 23rd, 2009, 04:21 PM
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If he is in the armed forces there is no willingly. It just comes out of his check, a wage garnishment. Is he getting out of the marines soon? As I said in my previous post, right now you are entitled to the full BAH - hon, you should go talk to jag or call an attorney. It sounds like you need more direction that we can probably give you here in this type of forum as far as legal issues go and what your rights are.
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  #7  
September 23rd, 2009, 10:18 PM
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I absolutely agree! Thank you, Rebecca for your insight--(although I must confess that I have no clue what BAH is. ) I do agree that you need to talk to an attorney ASAP. You are entitled to support for this baby NOW! It is costing you money, right? It half his, right? So why should you pay for all the medical, clothes, furniture, strollers, carseat, etc? Granted, it won't be as much as after the birth but you should be getting something now. You will have to have money to get your own place and have utillities turned on, buy food and all those little things that you can't even remember right now--nor can I. LOL Rebecca raised a good point...is he considering getting out of the military anytime soon? The military will keep him on the straight and narrow as far as making sure you're taken care of but once he is out, the civilian life isn't so accomodating. I absolutely agree with Rebecca that you should have your own checking account and start putting money into it NOW! We are here to help you through this. It isn't easy...but someday it will all be behind you...and it will get better!
HUGS!
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  #8  
September 24th, 2009, 06:32 PM
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i don't have any advice but I just wanted to say i'm really sorry for what you are going through and I hope you and baby are okay.
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  #9  
September 25th, 2009, 07:17 AM
danniegirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree that you are entitled to his BAH right now he gets it with dependent raite which is to take of you and your family. definately get your own banking account. With him being in the military they will garnish his wages if he does not pay. you will still be able to be seen by the military for your prenatal care and once the baby is born he still needs to get him/her on deers and into tricare so you can get an id card for the child for dr appointments.

I am in the military and I have seen so many divorces and the guys are complete jerks when it comes to all of the payment.

I would seek a good lawyer that knows about how the military works. Not all but some units will screw the spouse over and help the soldier or military memeber as best as they can
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  #10  
September 25th, 2009, 03:32 PM
Jarheadwed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I can totally see his unit doing that, too. This ***** sucks, what kind of a man leaves his pregnant wife for his alcohol and his mother?
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  #11  
September 25th, 2009, 03:44 PM
Christy72
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((HUGS)) I am so very very sorry this is happening to you.
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  #12  
September 25th, 2009, 06:14 PM
Rebecca^'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'd also advise finding a victim's advocate in your area - one quick was to get some action going it so call militaryonesource.
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  #13  
September 26th, 2009, 07:35 AM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry I missed this and although you don't know me very well, I'm here if you need me, PM, whatever. I agree with what was previously said. Nitpick, go through everything with a fine-toothed comb. This could get uglier and harder and you want to make sure you've CYA.
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  #14  
October 3rd, 2009, 03:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jarheadwed View Post
I can totally see his unit doing that, too. This ***** sucks, what kind of a man leaves his pregnant wife for his alcohol and his mother?

The same kind Im divorcing!!!! He left me in Nov 08 and said he was filing for divorce, yet never did it-just kinda left me hanging and with no money. Our first baby was 5 weeks old when he left. Then I got pregnant AGAIN when the first baby was 10 weeks old (he said he wanted to 'work it out'....lol) and our second was just born.

Same EXACT situation as you are, girl. military and all, mama's boy, divorce pending as we speak, and I just had my baby 4 weeks ago. PM me if you wanna talk. You have every right to be pissed off! Hurts like hell, and even more so when you are carrying thier child...... HUGS! You are going to get through this hell or high water.

I wasn't so lucky on the BAH part (Army branch) ....IG AND his unit said that 4 kids (pregnant with the fifth) I were only entitled to HALF the BAH while he stayed in the barracks rent free! I finally had to go get temp orders from the court-which gave me ALL the BAH plus $200 of his base pay. HA! More than he was doing........

Last edited by hopenot4gotten; October 3rd, 2009 at 03:34 AM.
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