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Is there anyway I can have it so that my x's gf can't be in the house or even around while the kids are visiting their father ? His gf ignores the kids the whole time they are their visiting their father it is upsetting to the kids and I find it abusive in a way.
Hmmm...I sincerely doubt it. Her ignoring kids that aren't her own is not abusive. Not nice, yes. Abusive, no. THey aren't her kids. Now, if she was yelling at them and calling them names or hitting them, then you would definitely be able to keep them from being around her but just ignoring them, I can't see it. Can you talk to him about this? Explain to him how you are feeling about it and that it is upsetting the children. Maybe he can talk to her about it and get her to engage a little. Does she live with him? If not, maybe he can limit his time with her on the weekends he has the kids.
One thing you also have to remember is you are not there while this is going on and although we all love to think of our children as little angels, it is also possible that they treat her in a way that causes her to resent them or feel hurt by them--BTDT with my own stepkids. We went through a time where they treated me like crap and I was hurt by it so I avoided being around them. When they would come over, I would go into the bedroom and stay there until they left. I didn't want to subject myself to any more rejection on their part, especially since I had (I thought) bonded with them already! I knew it was because their mother was talking crap about me--don't care in the least what she thinks about me but I sure cared what the kids thought. I finally realized what I was doing wasn't helping and was probably hurting the situation so I started trying to work my way back into their hearts...it worked.
It's also possible that what they are viewing as "ignoring" is actually her way of backing off so they can have daddy all to themselves. If you talk to your ex about it, tell him that you think that may be the case--that way you don't sound like you're complaining about her--and ask him if she can try to join in with them more so they don't feel rejected. It may be that she just doesn't really like kids and doesn't have anything to offer or anything to relate to them on. Whatever the case may be, the last thing you want is for this to be a big fight between you and your ex. You don't need that, neither does he...but the kids DEFINITELY don't need it! Reassure them that the GF does like them and offer up the explanation that she's just trying to give them daddy time. If she is going to be a part of their lives permanently, you certainly don't want it to be a bad relationship with lots of hurt feelings on their part. ESPECIALLY if she winds up giving them a half-brother/sister! You also might check out the Blended Families board on JM and talk to the ladies there. Chantelle and Becca are the hosts there and they are both excellent in giving advice and shoulders. A couple of our memebers here (myself included) also frequent that board so you'll see some familiar faces too!
Sharing your kids with an ex is not the most pleasant experience sometimes but if you stay on good terms, it can work well. It isn't easy and there will always be some confusing feelings there and of course, issues with differing views on child rearing. Just remember, he is entitled to have HIS rules at HIS house just as you are to have YOUR rules and YOUR house. doesn't mean his rules supercede yours, but it does mean you can't dictate what goes on in his house--or who gets to be around the kids (unless there is true abuse going on). That isn't something we like, but it is something we have to cope with. I've also had issues with a couple of my ex's gfs. One in particular actually got my kids a cat! I had told them they could not have one because I AM ALLERGIC to cats! HE knew this, told her this the kids told her and she STILL took them out and told them to pick out the one they wanted!!!!! And my ex told her BEFOREHAND that he would NOT keep the cat at his house because he just doesn't LIKE animals!!! I wanted to THROTTLE her but I calmly dealt with the situation. This is the same woman who, for my daughters 9th birthday bought her underwear from Victoria's Secret! Is it any wonder her own daughter was pregnant at 16????? NO RULES! I had told MY DAUGHTER I thought she was too young for thong panties...she was 9 for God's sake! She comes home all smirky and IN-YOUR-FACE with 10 pairs of thongs--two of them with little danglies on them that said SEXY and SEXY B*****...is that appropriate for a 9 year old??? OHHELLNO!!!!! 10 pairs of brand new panties from VS in the trash! One 9 yr old screaming at me that she wants to go live with her dad and she hates me and I am the worst mother in the world and one very angry call to an ex! Problem solved. KEEP OUT OF MY CHILD'S LIFE, BIO****!!!!!! I completely understand what you are feeling...
Our situation is sort of Jerry springerish, he moved his gf in while the kids and I were still living there. While we were there she would ignore them and I did talk to him and her about it. She said she barely talks to her own kids. My kids don't like her because their dad started seeing her 2 days after we separated and he moved her in the next week even with my objections, he didn't care how i felt or what i said. So he didn't give the kids any grieving time which is part of the reason they hate her. I don't know if they will ever except her because of how things happened.
Her daughters live across country with their father.
So basically, she's just anti-social. Or should I say, anti social with anyone who isn't a married man. That's another discussion though...in that case, talk to the kids. Tell them that's just how she is and not to pay her any attention. Tell them she will always be like that and it isn't anything against them or that she doesn't like them, just that she doesn't have a lot to say.
As far as them not getting any grieving time, that's so unfair. How insensitive of him! I can't believe that he would do that to them! Those poor kids! You are right that they needed time to grieve for the life they had. It's sad that they have had to endure that and on top of everything else have this woman forced on them that won't even make an effort to bond with them. I wish I had the answers to this one.
I hate this when the babies involved are hurting. The most innocent ones seem to pay the highest price and hurt the most. I dont think you can keep her away during visits, either, just based on her ignoring them. And really it's not your choice to do this to the kids, so I would just keep trying to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and be there for them. The less questions you ask them, the more they will talk (given their ages). He will have natural consequences later for his actions that will come without any involvement on your part....it will be from the kids. JMHO
Im sorry you all have to go through this. Im right there with you. HUGS!