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Just typing to get this out before I lose my mind.......bare with me.......
I dont think I can do this anymore. I give up. All the woman power in the world isn't enough to get through this. Telling myself I can raise 5 kids...that I am strong...that I can do everything by myself, that Im taking back the control-until I believe it-has worn off.
I am soooo completely frustrated with everything!!!! My divorce *could* have been final this month. My attorney is setting a trial date but that wont be until FEBRUARY 2010! So much for expedited......
My ex brought up delaying the divorce until he can get on medications and get into counseling. Do you have ANY idea how much him saying that hurt? Talk about a blow to the gut......For a year now, I have prayed every night and every day on my face for his heart to soften, to WANT to go counseling-both individual and couples counseling- to help him self with his mental problems because I cant take that responsibility, that he would get some help with his addictions with money among other things in his highly addictive personality and learn to take responsibility for his own actions, and care for himself-like BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND TAKE A SHOWER EVERY DAY, WEAR DEODERANT, AND EAT RIGHT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!
The thing is we all make choices based on what we feel is priority. We MAKE time for the things that are important to us. He claims he never had 'time' to go to counseling being a busy soldier and all....because he never WANTED to go.... If your marriage is broken, go get the help you need to fix it if at all possible. Otherwise, stick with filing for divorce just like you wanted. My children and I dont deserve to put on a **** shelf waiting for someone to go get the help they need (or at least make yet another excuse to delay things) and especially not LAST MINUTE because he's panicking, afraid, or wants to still have control over my life. Like he would lose part of his 'property' if it was final today or something.
The attorney said it would be great if you both can come to agreements regarding the parenting plan. I agree....in an ideal world. But the thing is this....BECAUSE he wants the delay for HIMSELF, do you REALLY think he is trying to reach agreements with me? No! And why should he? So I got to thinking why he would even want to delay what he doesn't want anyway? It's because he has financial motive to delay the finality. Our temp orders say he is supposed to give me all the BAH plus 200 of his base pay for family support. So, really, the only thing coming out of his pay is $200. When our divorce is final, he no longer will receive full BAH because the two kids that are his dont live with him. So that means he will only have his base pay and have to pay 6 or 7 hundred out of his base pay versus $200 for child support for two kids. Jerk. Then he talks about going on a date if I am still here and havent moved the 4 hours away? ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME? Seriously, do you really think Im this big of an idiot to buy into your bs? Maybe your mama would buy it-so you can try that crap on her, instead.
To top off this garbage, my incision is infected now 4 weeks out from surgery and Im on max antibiotics and back on the pain meds. Its so frustrating! I dont have time for this. Hopefully these antibiotics will take care of this mess and it wont have to be reopened or packed....ugh.If I could catch just catch a small break that would be great
Feeling so much better just getting this all out...thanks!
Wow. What a messy turn of events that is. I am so sorry! Sounds like you're right though. He's starting to panic and trying to delay things. You don't need this stress right now (or ever!) I'm sure the stress is making it harder for you to heal. I wish there was more that I could do but sometimes just getting it all out does help. Just vent away! We may not have the answers but you know we will listen. I hope the medications work for him and he realizes what a mess he has made of his life and his children's lives as well as yours. I also hope he does right by you. I will keep you in my prayers that he does and that the next few months goes quickly!
Thanks Dani for 'listening' as usual You are the best
Ok I re-read my post and MAN....do I sound like a total *****! Im just completely frustrated is all...running around in circles and hurry up and wait at the convenience of him...he calls the shots-still! I WANT MY LIFE BACK NOW, PLEASE.
I have cellulitis (infection) in my incision so OB cut it open to drain and with the antibiotics, everything should heal right up.
I have to come here and vent from time to time it helps me to get it out...but I think it's great for other people to read through. I cant tell you how many times I have read some of these and related...or even felt like I was alone until I read some of the issues and things others went through. I cry when I read others' issues. I cry when someone else is getting a divorce. I cry a lot here.
I imagine all these innocent kids going through hell. I realize that sometimes it is TRULY for the best, it's just sad. I dont know where Im going with this...just wandering aimlessly through my thoughts, I suppose?
You never need to apologize here. It IS frustrating and angering and sad and all the rest. I desperately wanted my divorce for well over 10 years...ywet when it happened finally, I cried. I didn't cry because I had lost anything special--unless you call daily fights special. I cried because of the dream that I lost and what my children lost.My dream was to stay married forever..lvery few people go into a marriage with a "Who cares if it works out" sattitude. Most of us want it to last forever. When it doesn't, that dream dies. That's sad. And of course, children deserve to grow up in a loving, happy home with both parents. I wanted that for my kids...they never had that. So you vent away...read...cry...mourn what could have been...what should have been. You've every right to do so.