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Using the word D


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
October 12th, 2009, 11:37 AM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Hello there.
I am not looking to divorce but I wanted to see if I am alone in this or not.
My husband and I are happy in general but whe. The past 3 marriage years, We argue over whatever and he ALWAYS say Im gonna divorce you next day and yells at me (not pretty) and i never use the word til 2 wks ago i was so mad at him abt something and i kicked the stairs and told him i wanted to divorce him (just to see how he feel when i finally said it and see if he understand how I feel) and i walked out for a walk around the neighborhood. After 20 min i saw him in truck and he showed his left hand (no ring) and said i accept. I said see how i feel when u use D word?

Im tired of this every time we argue he uses the ugly letter.
Im starting my therapy for many reasons including my marriage. He wont seek marriage counseling.

Anyone go thru this? Im at my ends wit. I want to be happy in love and have healthy relationship before having kids. I dont want my future kids "hear" our arguments!
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  #2  
October 12th, 2009, 01:04 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Using that word in fights is damaging no matter who says it. Its great you are getting into therapy for you. You cant make him go to counseling, but it may help you better cope. Sorry you are going through this! (((HUGS)))
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  #3  
October 12th, 2009, 03:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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Welcome to the group...and to my first marriage. I had a HORRIBLE first marriage that lasted 22 years. Why? Because he wore me down so low I didn't think I deserved any different. It became so common for us to toss that D word out there that when the day FINALLY came where there was no turning back, he didn't believe me. I recall as far back as our first year together having him tell me he wanted a divorce. Retrospectively, I should have granted it to him and moved on! But I didn't. I was young and afraid of being alone. After the divorce, I grew to enjoy my solitude and now that I am remarried, whenever my husband is gone on business or out of town, I cherish the moments alone! We love each other dearly but both have our separate interests and have no problem with giving each other space. HOWEVER we don't fight. Never! We have not had one single fight in our 3 + years together! Not even a little one. The D word will NEVER enter into it if we do! You both need to banish the word from your vocabulary! You never say things like that unless you mean them...not to "show him how it feels" or just because you want to hurt each other or anything. It just isn't conducive to good relationship building.
I know what you're going through and I know that it hurts having someone be so non-chalant about something so serious. I know it's no consulation for you but he is doing this either to elicit a response from you--Oh no I can't LIVE without you! PLEASE don't divorce me!--or to show he has complete control over his world and nothing--not even YOU mean enough to him for him to give up any of that control. No one "gets" to him. No one can hurt him because he's the boss..the big cheese...the high priest...whatever. Unfortunately, it's extremely disrespectful to you. When you love someone you CARE if you hurt them. You CARE if they're unhappy or have problems that they need to deal with. You help them and support them so that they can conquer their demons--which we all have--and become happier and more secure. What he's doing causes just the opposite. He's making you feel insecure and hurt and that just isn't the basis for a good marriage. Once you get into your therapy a little more, see if he will consider coming with you at some point just to see what it's about. Just the fact that he is refusing to go tells me he is afraid.
Think of the "D" word as a knife. Every time you say you want a divorce, you stick that knife deeper into the heart of your relationship. Eventually, your relationship will die. Every time you say it, your self esteem drops a little more, your heart scars a little more, your sense of trust and security drops just a little lower...and all the apologies in the world don't do anything to heal those wounds or make you trust him or feel secure in your relationship with him. Nothing.
The other thing I want you to think about here is that I notice you're TTC. That is such an incredibly emotional time and so frustrating and just full of emotional upheaval...NOTHING is going to calm that down right now. I went through 3 years of infertility treatments before I had my first. We were separated when I found out he was on the way. That being said, bringing a baby into a marriage that isn't good is like the kiss of death. Babies...with all the joy that they bring, cause a TON of stress! They're worth it, definitely. However, you have to ask yourself if you want to take the chance that it will destroy the marriage and you'll wind up being a single mother? Believe me, it is NOT easy! Also, all children deserve the best shot at a "normal" childhood with a mom and dad in the same house and although there are no guarantees you still need to give them the best chance you can.
I hope you make it through. I am also hoping you know that you can always come here to vent or rant or whatever you need to do. Most of us have been throughg similar situations and can offer our stories ad "fixes" but of course, you are the only one who knows what is right for YOU and what you can and cannot do or take.
Good luck! Keep us posted!
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  #4  
October 12th, 2009, 08:15 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Thanks ladies...i feel so darn lonely i dont have real life friends i can trust to talk about this. I have appt with therapist this thurs. I hope she can help me deal with my feelings. Sometime i want to work it out but james doesnt want counseling so how can we improve our marriage if he wont change few things. I find myself imagining my life without him and it scares me...i want to be ME...in charge of my life...i dont even know how much $ in bank...i gained weight, my depression got worse, my anxiety got worse..my body is tired. I want to hold ttc til this is figured out. I do not want to bring a baby into this world with problems. I come from dysfunctional family. I never never want my kids to see us argue like this. My parents hated each other and hurt each other and got divorced when I was 5....and i was always put in middle between them while growing up. Im jealous of married couples who rarely fight..i cannot imagine being in that relationship where i rarely fight. It seems like i had been in relationship next to relationship. I want to be me for a while but how? I keep seeing signs that i need take care of myself... Focus on losing weight due to my health reasons..i have asthma, fatty liver, possible fibromyalgia and anxiety/depression...i feel like james isnt helping me...same with me trying to help him get back on diabetes meds and stop eat junk food but he dont change. I dont want to be taking care of him like im his mom.
Also our sex life is so low that we have sex around o time...we dont make out anymore we dont do anything romantic. i feel like our romance died.
Sighs i feel so frustrated.
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  #5  
October 13th, 2009, 12:21 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Those are all great points you make. Im sure the therapist will help you sort out some of those things...but its REALLY tough when dh doesn't want to go. Just focus on you right now.

The other thing I thought of...on the way out of my marriage, I tried to hang on so hard (ours was already over) I tried doing some of the things in the Fireproof workbook thing. It has some great ideas on things you can do to bring back some of what you are missing. Mine was entirely too damaged and who knows that even if it wasn't too damaged, it would have worked anyway with how hard his heart was, but maybe it's worth a shot? And I never once FELT like doing these things, but in the end it was a rude awakening for me, it was something I could do on my part, that I was in control of (my behavior and choices) and I felt good about. Just a thought I had.....

Let us know how the therapy goes....and vent here whenever you need! Lord knows I do! LOL! It helps.
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  #6  
October 13th, 2009, 07:15 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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God, the similarities between you and me are incredible. Speaking from my own personal experience, I would say #1 you're severely depressed. Talk to your doctor about getting on some sort of anti-depressant/anxiety meds. I was on prozac for 5 years and it not only saved my sanity but my life! I was suicidal at the time and like you, had no one to talk to. My ex alienated me from everyone I was close to including my family. He wanted me all to himself--was even jealous of our children! Anytime I would find a new friend, he would sabotage the relationship--claim that she hit on him, put doubts in my mind as to why she wanted to hang around with me, etc. Included in all that was the very clear implication that I was very lucky that someone like him would even consider giving a **it about someone like me and that I was too stupid to know when someone was taking advantage of me or just wanted to be my friend so they could be close to him. Retrospectively, it's laughable--he is NO PRIZE, believe me!!!--but at the time, I bought it hook, line and sinker. Don't make that mistake. You sound to me like someone who has a lot more on the ball than she realizes! You know what the problem areas are you just need to start working on them. Don't take it all on at the same time. Take baby steps...they will eventually begin to snowball and soon you will find you have eliminated issues you didn't even realize you'd started working on!
So, how to start. Well you have already made the first step by making your appointment on Thursday. And that is a HUGE step, make no mistake! Now, IF you don't hit it off with this therapist, find someone else. Don't quit going until you do but as soon as you find someone, change. It's so important that you feel like you have a good relationship and trust this person. If you don't feel like they are listening to you, they're not good at their job. You have to feel like you have that person's complete and undivided attention. If he/she is constantly looking at the clock or interrupting you or talking about their own experiences, they are not focusing on you and you SHOULD leave and not come back! All things being equal, give them at least three sessions before you determine you don't want to continue with them. By that third session, you should be "working" on things--not just talking. He/she should be giving you the tools that will enable you to turn YOU around--because you can't control how James lives his life. Everything should be about YOU--5 years of therapy and I can't even tell you how many kids my therapist had but he knows all about my childhood abuse, issues with my family, marital issues, all of it. He gave me tools that I use to this day when i am working on an issue...I finished therapy over 10 years ago. You're paying for a service and when you are done, you should feel like you got way more than you paid for out of it. If at any time you think you're paying too much, find someone else. Therapy is like having a personal trainer for your emotional health, a library of nothing but self help books and someone to interpret and apply them to your life. (Oh and it probably won't take you nearly as long as it took me to feel "done"...I had so many issues you wouldn't believe it. LOL)
Second and simultaneously, talk to your medical doctor about medications. Even if you only use them for a short time, they will help you SOOOOOO MUCH so that you can actually believe the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train! Before I started taking meds, I used to sit on the sofa all day long and cry until the kids got home. then I'd plunk them in front of the tv with some movies,put the boys in charge of my daughter and go sleep until dinner time. I rarely went anywhere because quite frankly, it was just SUCH a chore to even get dressed! I'd go for days without showering and if anyone came to the door, I would pretend not to be home. Within one week of being on the meds, I was driving to the store one day and suddenly realized I was smiling! No reason...I just felt like smiling! (and not a goofy, drugged up smile but one that stems from a general feeling of well being) Because of that, I was able to work on the issues that I needed to...and there were a TON!
I tell ladies on the board all the time, read every self help book you want to (some people just don't get anything out of them), the things that make sense and apply to your situation and that you BELIEVE--adopt them as your own. The ones that you don't like, don't believe, don't want to work, dump them! Leave them behind no matter who sings their praises. If YOU don't believe in them, they aren't going to help you. Check out books at the library and IF you like what they say, buy them so you can refer to them often. You can get some at used book stores, yardsales, Ebay...anywhere.
Most importantly in this journey, you need to stop worrying about James. Chances are VERY high that once he sees all the positive changes in you, he will begin to want those changes in himself and join you on this journey. If he doesn't, don't let him stop you. We all have a responsibility to ourselves to be who we are meant to be and to make our own happiness. Relying on someone else to make us happy or taking on the responsibility for someone else's happiness doesn't work. James may need to find his own way or he may never find it. That isn't YOUR problem. Yes, you love him and want this for him but unless HE wants it, it isn't going to happen. All you can do is to show him how wonderful YOU feel by getting yourself to a better place and finding that inner joy. Once I began my journey and began to realize those things for myself, I stopped relying on my (then) husband to be my center of the universe. I became my own center and as I grew, I came to realize that I had cheated myself out of what I wanted and it was at the end of that journey that I made the decision to get out of the marriage. I was still scared and stayed for a lot longer than I should have but then he made the decision for me one night and beat the daylights out of me. Long story there. lol That was the end.
You have a long tough road ahead of you but I promise that if you stick to it, you will be happier. It IS possible to have the kind of marriage that you so desire. It is possible to have that with James. First work on you...hopefully he will step onto the same path and you can grow together and put all the fighting and tossing around of the "D" word behind you. If not, well you'll be in a better place then and more capable of determining what you want to do. We're always here so anytime you want to, post anything here. Although the board is quite right now, there are many women on here who can offer some wonderful advice and experience that will help you find your way!
HUGS!
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  #7  
October 15th, 2009, 01:36 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Dani, I have added you on my Aol messenger. I no longer feel comfortable talking about my issues on JM for everyone to read what's going on in my life. I'd be more comfy talking about it in private.

I did see my therapist this morning. She was very friendly and listened to me all the way. Never talked about herself at all. I'm glad I have found the right one! We have another session next week!
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  #8  
October 16th, 2009, 07:13 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
Aaron Nichole, PM me and I'll send you my email address if you want. I'm not on enough for messenger to do much good.
HUGS!
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  #9  
October 17th, 2009, 12:47 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Hope it's nothing I said that made you feel uncomfortable posting here....hope all goes well and wish you the very best! HUGS!
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  #10  
October 17th, 2009, 08:41 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
OH Hon I really don't think it is. I think possibly too many views and perhaps the idea that someone she doesn't want to read it might come along. Don't take it personally.
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  #11  
October 17th, 2009, 03:31 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopenot4gotten View Post
Hope it's nothing I said that made you feel uncomfortable posting here....hope all goes well and wish you the very best! HUGS!
It's nothing against you. I have many lurkers on the Internet that I do not want them to stumble across and find this. That's why I have been laying low for a while. No worries, all your advices were taken into consideration.

Dani, I'll PM you.
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