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I told him...sooner than planned.


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
October 13th, 2009, 05:45 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Well...so Sun night, DH yelled at my daughter...."OMG SHUT UP!" like screamed it....all b/c she interuppted our conversation. I said what is your problem? And he said he felt like he didn't have a wife anymore. I knew it was time. Every fiber in my body told me it was. I called my mother, asked if she would watch the kids for a few hours...and took them there. Put my father on 911 alert (if I speed dialed him and he just heard us talking, and I didn't say hi, he was to call 911). Came home...and we talked...didn't yell...and told him how I felt. All about how he treats the kid...everything. Then, asked him once again to get some help...I got the same ol' answer "I don't see how a third party person who doesn't know anything about me, is gonna tell me what's wrong with me"...so...I said, well, then I don't see any other choice but to get a temp separation. You could see the realization hit him...first thing he said was that I was trying to take his kids away...told him no, that I would never, ever do that...he can see them any time he wants to. Then...he was concerned about money..."we cannot afford a separation" Told him i was getting a job, etc...he told me that couldn't afford daycare for Hunter, and when i said that DSS would pick it up, he was like "not if we're just separated"...Then, he asked me if I wanted him to leave...then said "I am not bargaining for me to stay...but i am thinking of the kids" then turns around next min and says "I don't know if I could ever forgive you if you tell me to leave". I was like WTH? Back me into a corner! That really pissed me off...Then tells me he could...he will get counseling...wants to start right away. And you know what I think? He is either waking up...OR more than likely telling me what I want to hear. We have an appt tonight for counseling. However, I am done. I have no hope or want of this. I think he thinks temp means like a couple weeks....cause when I mentioned like 6 months or a year, you could see him raging inside. He told me he would never, ever forgive me if this was permanent. His family now knows as well...so I have done the initial part of all this...but now what? He is still freakin' living here...I am still cooking for him, taking care of the house. He says he wants the kids to stay here, which is fine, but IDK if I can afford it...and he is thinking that he wants to come and go as he pleases, pay bills, etc...he isn't giving me ANY independence. I know this is his way of keeping some control. Then, when I went to pick the kids up, I called my dad on my cell to let him know all was okay...when I came home, he says "who were you on the phone with when you left?" OMG! He is spying on me! I realize one of the first things a guy thinks is "she is cheating" but I am NOT. WTH?! I am just so done. Then, he has been sleeping downstairs...so when I take the kids up to bed, I grab my phone and computer and go upstairs and chill in my room until I crash. Well...he decides to IM me on yahoo and say "I want to talk to you, but we can wait until tomorrow" I was like "okay" and he is like "I miss you, and everything, blah blah blah, but I know you need time" and I said "yes, i do need some time"...but he is STILL here!! I told him he could stay until the wedding Saturday, cause of all the confusion and stuff of that. But, I want him to go after that. Otherwise I am going to go insane!!! OMG! Oh, and he made my bed for me last night...which was nice, but again, sucking up more than meaning it, I think. And, he seems to think this is all about ME...and still doesn't help with the kids, and pretty much ignores them.
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Last edited by dettmer26; October 13th, 2009 at 05:48 AM.
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  #2  
October 13th, 2009, 11:37 AM
*Kiliki*'s Avatar i have absolute power
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i think time apart will do you both some good without him there in the house you can make a better decision of what you need/want to do without him breathing down your throat....good luck!!
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  #3  
October 13th, 2009, 07:25 PM
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Well, I am glad it has finally come out. I know it was hard for you, living a lie so to speak. I think you're right...he's panicking and thinks that if he tells you he wants to get help with the marriage and does a few nice things you will forget it. I also know what it's like to feel like you're stuck with someone you don't want to be with. Stick to your guns if that is truly what you want and either make him move out or you and the kids move.
So, how do you feel? You doing ok with all this? Feeling like the world is spinning out of control yet? If you're not yet, you soon will be but don't be afraid. It will soon pass and you'll begin to feel better about you and your situation. We're here always.
HUGS
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  #4  
October 14th, 2009, 10:53 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Yup, pretty much feel that way, especially since most of the people (both family, friends, etc) don't seem to want to hear me rant. I have a few male friends that I have tried to get their view on this, b/c they are men...and they just blow me off...and I think I am probably being dramatic, but I am so stressed, IDK how else to be BUT dramatic, KWIM? I am okay overall...but he is still living here. So, I feel smothered. Last 2 nights, he has made my bed for me...last night he put a chocolate bar on my pillow. While those things are very nice, it is too soon for me. I feel suffocated more. Is that weird? He says he now wishes we had done this years ago...meaning the counseling. I am glad he feels that way, but I am feeling that it may be too late. I just don't feel in love with him anymore. IDK if I can get that back, but I know he doesn't want to lose us. I am still applying for that apartment...waiting for my daughter to get home so I can go do that. All of both our families now know as well...everyone is very supportive...but of course they all just think this is temporary...and I really feel it is permanent. When I don't care if he were to find another women...yeah, I think I am done. I just have to figure out how to express that to him, when he wants this so badly, and is trying. And...how to get him out of here....
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  #5  
October 14th, 2009, 11:17 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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That just really stinks. I cant share my because I get too upset (given my own current mess..lol) and I certainly dont want to come off as non supportive but wanted send you many HUGS!!!!!! Im sorry you have to go through all this, keep us posted on what all happens. Either way, you'll make it through!
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  #6  
October 15th, 2009, 06:06 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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I remember when it was nearing the end to my marriage and I confided in my boss that I wanted out. He said to me (little gay guy so imagine the inflection here) "Oh girl you will NEVER leave that man so just put that thought out of your pretty little head!". I quit the job about two weeks later. LOLI think it's because people get used to things being a certain way and can't imagine them being different. They resist change and assume everyone else wants things to stay the same. I also believe that some people don't want you to divorce because it brings to the front of their minds their own issues and disappointments. Maybe things will work out and maybe they won't. Either way it is YOUR choice and not theirs. I do belkieve it is possible to "fall in love again" but it doesn't happen often Time will tell. Right now yoiu don't want it and you're working toward the end. If you change your mind, great. If you don't, perhaps he will be a little more supportive with wife number 2. I completely understand the too little too late feeling. I felt that for years. People around you say "Oh isn't that sweet! He did ____ for you! He loves you so much!" and all you can think is I don't care! I don't want him I don't love him and I don't care! People used to tell me all the time how much he loved me. "You can see it in his eyes when he talks abotu you and the kids. You're everything to him!" All I could think was "He's got you snowed! Come watch through the closet at the reality. That's all for YOUR benefit not mine!"
You do what YOU want and don't worry about everyone else. They'll see the changes in you eventually and understand that this had to happen. As always, we are here for you!
HUGS!
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