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  #1  
October 21st, 2009, 05:50 PM
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Hi. My name is Ria. Short for Victoria. I'm 29 with a
son who will be 2 in January. I've been married to my husband for 5 years now. We've been fighting all the time.

We married July 2004. Since then, we've fought all the time. It's escalates to where he calls me names : retarded, stupid, makes jabs at me about what I do and don't do, belittles me, vetos things I might want or not want. He called me his maid in 2006 and I left him for a year. We slept together in 2007 and I got pregnant. He didn't want our son. At least not then.

He accused me of getting pregnant on purpose (ie.. Got what I wanted), fought over money, he deployed etc..

We did counseling and things semi got better. Then they returned again. I know he loves our son. But I don't know if i'm inlove with him anymore.

I filed for divorce august 2009 and got marital counseling, but I was still dealing with him telling me to 'make him want to celebrate our aniversary' next year
comment.

Were like oil and water.

How do you know when it's over??
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  #2  
October 22nd, 2009, 01:22 AM
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I dont think anyone can tell you that. You know when you know...you know?

For me it was over when he left me and 4 kids, but wouldn't file for divorce-kinda left us sitting on a shelf-I finally had to file this year because of all the financial damage he was doing just to protect myself. AND....its STILL not final. November will be a year since he left,and a trial is set for spring of next year.

It's an individual thing for sure. I am sorry you are having to consider this an option for you.
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  #3  
October 22nd, 2009, 06:57 AM
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Welcome, Ria! I'm sorry you're going through this. It is confusing and frustrating I know, but like Hopenot4gotten said, it's something you just know. One day you just say to yourself "I can't do this anymore." and it's over.
Like you, I spent my marriage being told I wasn't worth much. It damages you deep down inside and it's hard to make the decision to leave because you begin to believe it. Step back outside your relationship and ask yourself if it was your sister or best friend living in that situation, would you think it was ok? Probably not. Most of us look out for the people we love much better than we do for ourselves. Let me tell you right now, you do NOT deserve to be called names and belittled like that! There is no excuse for him treating you that way and you deserve to be happy and respected. That being said, until you begin to respect yourself and demand more, it's going to continue, not just in this relationship but in any future ones you will have. Men who control and abuse can sense in us that vulnerability that says "I'll take it and keep coming back for more". Until we break the cycle, we send out those vibes and that is the "type" we attract. So, no matter what happens with your marriage, you need to get better and stop feeling that you somehow deserve this crap. I spent 22 years being manipulated and controlled to the point where when I finally got out, I didn't even know who I was anymore. I didn't know what I liked, what I didn't like, what style of clothes I wanted to wear, what kind of life I wanted...nothing. It took me about 3 years to finally begin to see who I was and to start standing up for myself and demanding respect. The first time I dumped a man for not respecting me was my "turning point" and since that time I have known a much more satisfying life. I have remarried to a wonderful man who is my best friend. He is supportive and loving and encourages me to try my wings at whatever I want. That's what you deserve, and so does every other woman who comes to this board either to just lurk or to post or to help. It is what we ALL deserve! You also want to make sure that your son doesn't grow up thinking it's normal to treat women like that. If he sees it every day he will emulate that behavior with his girlfriends and wives and daughters AND you!
You will know when you have had enough. When you do, vow to yourself never to be someone's doormat again. You deserve better!
Hope that helps!
HUGS!
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Last edited by Blondzilla; October 22nd, 2009 at 07:00 AM.
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  #4  
October 22nd, 2009, 07:37 AM
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I think in alot of ways I have reached my boiling point with him. Everything he says is followed by a verbal jab directed at me. I've told him it's disrespectful. That I don't appreciate it. Sometimes he apologizes and admits he was out of line but then other times he's all.. If you don't like it.. Change it..

Even his first shirt (he's military) gave him an order to stop. He did for like a week then was right back to it.

Even throughout the pregnancy time, I couldn't relax. He was constantly threatening not to be in the delivery room..

Then last last weekend, he told me he wished I was
not fredericks mommy. He's taken back about wanting 3 kids and told me if having 3 was a must, then I needed to start looking. That he'll decide when he wants number 2 if he even does bc he's happy if Frederick is an only child.

I'm tired, feel like crying, back to having my thoughts of being a single mom and being happy.

I have interests.. But he 'vetos' them if he doesn't like them. Vetos dinner suggestions and tells me to come up with something else..

And he recently started asking.... If I want punched in the face. I was like wtfh?!? Told him no..

I can't wait for my appointment. Part of me wonders if I'm depresssed. I can't take anything though until nov 3rd. I have to test for pg then. If I am.. There's no way I want to go through another horrible
pregnancy feeling alone.. If I'm.. Then I need to figure things out quick.

I don't have a job. I've applied. Husband really doesn't want to pay for daycare. I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer either.
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  #5  
October 24th, 2009, 05:44 AM
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OK First of all, why are you allowing him to decide what you can and cannot be interested in? Are you not a human being with rights as well? Just because you are married to someone does not make you a second class citizen, does it? Being married doesn't take away your ability to determine your own wants and needs, does it? Of course not! So why are you willingly giving those things up? You need to ask yourself if this is what you want for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! He is not going to change because you have as much as told him it's ok for him to treat you this way--that it is acceptable to you. Your son is already learning that women are second class and should be treated as such.
You need to figure out what you want your life to be and then set about making it that way. If you're content to be treated like this, then that's fine--it is YOUR life and you do get to determine that. However, if you are truly fed up with the current situation, it's ENTIRELY up to you to change it. You will have to make the first move...the second move...all the moves. It sounds to me like he may be escallating and that he is capable of violence. You don't want that, I am sure. Believe me it hurts on much more than just the physical level. He is not going to get the help that he needs to make things better between you two so decide once and for all if you want to stay or not and then act. If you decide to stay, YOU should get yourself into counseling and take care of YOUR self esteem and how YOU feel. He may or may not be inspired to follow suit but you can't control that. You have ONLY yourself to control. If you decide that you don't want to be in the marriage anymore then at least start moving in that direction. Plan how you are going to get out and begin supporting yourself and your son. It sounds ot me like you long so much to be a single mom and not have to deal with him at all and yet you are still in the marriage to the point that you need to find out if you are pregnant. Even your blinkie states you are single yet you're not living that way or making any headway in that direction. Ask yourself why you are having unprotected sex if you're that unhappy in your marriage. Are you just needing someone to love you the way a child loves it's parents? I fully understand if that is the case...BTDT BUT you need to understand that having another baby is ONLY going to make things worse in the marriage and as hard as it is with one child when you're a single parent, it is ten times harder with two. BTDT too! Also consider the fact that if you are on your way out of the marriage, eventually you're going to want to find someone else and for many men one child is ok but more than that is just too much to take on. This is especially true if he doesn't have any kids of his own yet--if you've already got two or three how many can he possibly expect to have with you and still be able to care for them financially? Maybe one more? THINK LONG TERM! You still have many more years that you can have children in. Don't make the mistake I made and stay in a bad marriage having babies in the hopes that it will get better. You want your next birthing experience to be shared with someone who would not trade being by your side seeing his child come into the world for all the money in the world--NOT having him consider showing up if you coerce him into it or threaten not to be there just so he can "keep you in line"!
When it gets right down to it, Ria, no one can tell you what to do or how to handle your situation. You need to decide that for yourself. All we can do here is to offer a shoulder to cry on when it gets tough and tell you our stories and opinions. Only you know how hard it really is on you and what you're willing to put up with. Marriage can be hard and even the good ones take work. Both parties have to be willing to sacrifice sometimes and go the extra mile. The thing is, when you're in a good marriage it doesn't feel like sacrifice. It doesn't feel like you;re going the extra mile. It feels like an honor and a privaledge to do things for someone you love. My husband puts it like this: A good marriage is when both parties feel like they got a better deal than their partner and try to keep each other from figuring that out. Ironically, he doesn't realize I got the better part of the deal with us! That's what you deseve...that's what all of us deserve. In your case and in the case of all of our past marriages, you feel like you have been cheated. The thing is, once you have decided that is the reality, if you do nothing to change the status quo either by getting out or by making it better, then you are only cheating yourself. Don't do what I did and cheat yourself out of a happy marriage and family. It took me 22 years to finally get out and even then it was forced--my ex beat me up and I left that night. You deserve to be happy and your son deserves a happy mom.
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  #6  
October 24th, 2009, 09:03 AM
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I guess I am allowing in small aspects. He wouldn't get me things for the interests i liked: making web pages, the books I like to read, the movies, etc. He'd b**** at me for being on the computer or make fun of my stuff.

I want a man who doesn't mind cleaning up the kitchen if i cook, who talks to me about anything, who shares household responsilbilities when were both home on the weekend, who feels like my best friend and more. Someone I can't wait to get up in the morning and tell them morning. Who will hug me because he can- not because I asked for one.

I hate feeling like I want to cry all the time. I hurt so much. I hurt for little man. I'm working on going and being gone for good this time. It's a cycle and I don't want pulled back in. I can't kick him from fredericks life.

So he'll always be part of mine because of that. Ironically, he always said, if we divorced and I got custody he'd walk.

I've done some stuff; filed paper work for state aid and more. But I know I don't want to stay in nm. I want to move states. But no $. I'm trying to fix that as well.

Maybe I'm wrong to plan it. I just don't want to take off without a destination in mind, knowing I have living quarters for myself and frederic, etc.
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  #7  
October 25th, 2009, 07:49 AM
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You're absolutely NOT wrong to plan it! I did! Of course my ex realized it and sabotaged all my plans but that's ok. It worked out.
You're depressed, and rightfully so. He's taken everything you enjoy from you. Make up your mind to do the things you love again and not care if he likes them. ENJOY your life! Don't allow him to control that too. I know...I did the same thing. It DOES hurt! You're right about that! But this is your life not his and once you take back that power, I think your depression will begin to lift and you'll find yourself standing up for your rights more. I HOPE that will make him turn around but if it doesn't, you still have options. YOU have the power to make the changes in your life that you desire. Don't ever allow him to take your powers away again!
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  #8  
October 25th, 2009, 06:49 PM
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I do do some things I like, but some I can't. He won't buy me things that I'm into unless he thinks it's alright.

Im so tired. I think I might need to get on anti-depressants. I'm not sure. I just don't always have motivation to do things. I've been reviewing so much stuff.

I have to ask one thing; if someone said to you- I'll pop you.. Next Would you think of flicking in the head or swatting?

I feel like I've stepped back big time. I don't think I let him back in when we were trying to make it work. It feels like so much escalates fast.

I have meetings tomorrow; counseling and other ones.

I'm too the point that when he'd 'give me a hard time' I got hurt, po'd, and fumed. That's huge.

I also think constantly about what he said back in July- that he too wondered what it was like to date other people. I wonder what it would be like to be free.. To date someone... To start over.

I feel trapped.. Smothered sometimes. Craving emotional attention from him. I never feel like I have it.

I think I'm more then burnt out.. I'm done. I love being a sahm but.. I don't even know who I am anymore bc of Martin(husband)..

I feel lost.. Sad.. Lonely.. Angry at myself and husband.. I hate feeling like that.
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  #9  
October 26th, 2009, 07:08 AM
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I completely understand how you're feeling. It's exhausting living in a marriage like that. And of course, you're depressed...who wouldn't be? Depression is anger and frustration turned inward. I used to fantasize about being single too. About having someone pay attention to me, tell me I was pretty, tell me they enjoyed my company...to make me feel good about myself instead of always feeling like I wasn't "enough". Right now, you're deciding what to do and how to do it. You're working toward getting yourself back to "normal" and it's going to take some time. Don't rush it. Work on YOU and if your marriage is going to survive, it will begin to fall into place and he will also. If it isn't, it will become apparent soon enough. You might talk to your doctor about antidepressants and see if it will help you. I would not have survived without them. As far as the "I'll pop you" statement goes, I really am not sure what to make of that. It sounds violent but some people have a strange sense of humor or weird way of talking about things...it's like saying I'll kill you...you don't really mean murder. You mean I'm going to be really angry. So I can't say what he may have meant by it...but to me, it doesn't sound good. Both of you seem to be operating on a just below the boiling point. It doesn't take much for it to be over the top because you're so close to that point all the time! Unresolved issues keep you there and you need to get them resolved in order to work past this point. Otherwise, they sit there, ultimately sabotaging the results you're after. But in order to get past them you BOTH have to work toward that end and if he isn't doing his part--which he obviously isn't right now--you can't do it for him.
I hope the counseling helps you as much as it did me. I also hope you'll be able to get the help from medications that I got. It's so nice to be able to smile at the world again and not feel hurt and angry all the time. You deserve that.
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  #10  
October 26th, 2009, 10:07 PM
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That's how I feel.. Like I'm not good enough.. Or the person he really wants.. I tell myself, if he really wanted me.. He wouldn't do this stuff..

I told him months ago I felt lost.. That I didn't know who I was anymore. I still don't. I have so many issues..

I have huge trust issues with him now.. I have
for a long time. I don't know if that will ever get repaired.

He hates being wrong and thinks his way is always the truth. He'll say- sorry if you don't like it.. But that's the truth..

Like his opinions are truth..

I just know Im working on myself.. I want more.. My son deserves
more..
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  #11  
October 27th, 2009, 12:28 AM
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Girrrrrl, quit blaming yourself. I thought I wasn't good enough, either. It's a bunch of garbage we tell ourselves when we are down on ourselves and need some fixing. All lies, toxicity, and negativity. I still do that.
I felt that same exact way. Lost. When I married xdh, I quit going to school fulltime, quit my job, gave up the brand new place I was renting (I LOVED that place!), fought in court for 6 months to be able to take kids across the world in order to 'support my soldier.' I uprooted them and their lives, their friends...everything. I chose to give up EVERYTHING about ME and what I was doing that I forgot what I wanted to do what I liked adn had absolutely NO accomplishments in my life that I could see other than kids. I merely existed to serve and support this man and be available to my kids. There was no balance and I lost myself. And ultimately, I think it was a form of resentment for me. Still, it was my choice and rightly so as a wife to support her husband. I have no regrets about making the choices I did as his wife. What I regret is not being a little selfish and thinking about myself once in a while.

Everyone has issues and all you can really do is work on you I wish I was closer-we could go and get our hair done or something. Stay strong, mama! Whatever happens, you'll get out of this. HUGS!
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  #12  
October 27th, 2009, 08:25 AM
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Thank you! I wish we were closer too! Hair cuts would be fun. Even a playdate.

I'm thankful everyday for my son. But I do wish I had told Martin to quit name calling much much sooner then when I did.
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  #13  
October 27th, 2009, 10:32 AM
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You can beat yourself up for all the things that you shoulda, coulda, woulda done but it won't change the fact that you did the best you could with what you had to work with at the time and with where you were mentally and emotionally at the time. I look back on my exmarriage and I think Why didn't I ____? Why did I ____? What was I thinking when I ___? Well, I was a different person back then. I was only half a person. I was broken...damaged in ways that no one should ever be damaged in and punishing myself for things that I had no control over. I have stopped doing that. I also have stopped blaming myself for not being stronger than I was. I am now. Don't blame yourself because you "didn't know any better back then". That was then, this is now. Now you know. You can work toward something better and you are! Look at what you're doing right now! You have identified the problem and the ultimate goal or resolution to the problem. You're now working on different aspects that need to be fixed in order to achieve that goal! Rome wsn't built in a day! NEITHER WILL THE NEW YOU BE! You are a work in progress and like any great human being, you will continue to evolve and grow and prosper and yes, make mistakes for the rest of your life. The difference is that you will no longer punish yourself the way you have in the past. You will allow yourself to be human and to know that you are.
As you know, I have survived many different forms of abuse in my life. I was sexually molested by my grandfather from infancy until age7-8. I was neglected by my parents and endured 22 years in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage. You know what makes me different from anyone else who has endured those things? Notice I never use the term "victim". I am not a victim, I am a SURVIVOR! Technically speaking, yes, I was a victim when my grandfather did the thngs he did to me because at 6 months, you really cannot control things around you. HOWEVER, victimology is a disease. When you view yourself as a victim of something it says not only to the world but to you as well that you have no power over what happened to you OR THE RESULTS. It "causes" you to behave this way or that and it somehow excuses things that happen to you or that you do. It is SOOOOOO easy to fall into the role of victim! Once I began to get better and find out who I was after the divorce, I came to understand that I had always seen myself as a victim. I'd used it as an excuse--my parents didn't want me therefore I could be a rotten kid and make them want me less so everyone else could see how much a victim I was. (I would have kicked my butt out of the house at 13 when I started the crap I did if I had been my mother! LOL) I've learned to forgive those who deserve it--my grandfather does not, my mother does. I have learned to take responsibility for both my shortcomings and my strengths--the good and the bad. I also know that it's MY CHOICE to be either a victim or a survivor and I CHOOSE to be a survivor. Because of that choice, I will never be a victim again (unless something kills me. LOL)
That, is the ONLY difference between me and anyone else who is still struggling with abuse and self image issues. I will never be perfect, mind you. Not if I live to be 100. But I will never be a victim again. Any one of you can (and some have) make that choice and turn your life around--not overnight because anything that big takes time. But it can be done. The only thing you have to do is to say "ENOUGH! I'm not going to allow this any more in my life! I am worth more than this and I will not take this treatment any more!"...and mean it. Meaning it is the toughest part because you actually have to change how you think about yourself. You can't base your self image on how you look--that fades over time no matter how good you look!, how much money you make or your husband makes--I'll be the first to tell you money does NOT make you happier or get rid of your problems...it only creates more expensive problems and other issues, or any other basis other than what is in your heart. YOU KNOW you are a good person and you know you have flaws. What you need to see is that your flaws are so small compared to your good qualities that they may as well not even exist. Some flaws that you perceive don't exist! Most of what you perceive as a flaw is simply being human. When you understand that about yourself, you realize that you really are a good person and that you DON'T deserve to be treated as anything less. And I think you will find that a few of those "flaws" arent flaws at all and could even be considered good qualities!
I used to think one of my biggest flaws was that I don't keep things inside--I'm too open. That trait has served me so well on this board and also with my husband and children. They know that I will tell them exactly how I feel, what I think and my own experiences as it relates to any issues tht they bring up. Especially my daughter. Knowing that she can talk to me about anything and get straight answers without pretending to be perfect so she doesn't see me as human is one of the things she treasures most. She knows if she talks to me about drugs, I will tell her from my own experience at her age what it did to me and why I regret it. She knows when she brings up sex, she isn't going to get a lecture on abstinense, but straight talk about what I wish I had done differently and why. As a result, she has chosen to wait. How do I know this? Because we talk and I have let her know that she is free to make her own decisions and when she is ready, let me know and we'll get her on birth control. She is now 18. Technically, she is an adult and I can't "punish" her for having sex. She knows she can trust me to keep my DESIRES separated from her REALITY. She could go down to planned parenthood and get herself on birth control...she also knows (because I have told our doctor in front of her) that if she chooses to see him without my knowledge that she can. Each time we go in (we both see him at the same time for our own medical issues) I ask her if she would like me to step out of the room and she always says "No, I don't have secrets from you." AND she told me last year that she was considering consumating their relationship--they've been together 2 years now--so we did take her down and get her on the pill. She later told me not to refill it because she had changed her mind and didn't think she was ready yet. So, see I know. If I wasn't completely open with her about things, I don't think that we would have the relationship that we do. So, that isn't a flaw in my book anymore--my mother disagrees. LOL
Take stock in all the traits you realize about yourself--good and bad. The ones that serve you well, keep. The ones that hurt you or damage your relationships, try to replace with better ones. I think what you will find is that you have SO MANY more valuable traits than you have bad ones and that like me, you will find that some of those get reclassified as good. You are good people....if you weren't, you just would not care the way you do!
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  #14  
October 27th, 2009, 10:58 AM
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Beautifully said. I like this, Dani.....

"Meaning it is the toughest part because you actually have to change how you think about yourself."

Isnt that the truth!
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  #15  
October 27th, 2009, 02:43 PM
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It is... Wow.. That's truly inspiring and insightful
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  #16  
October 28th, 2009, 06:27 AM
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Thank you both!
HUGS
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  #17  
October 28th, 2009, 07:20 AM
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*hugs* and yet I found something else he didn't do that i was led to believe he did. He insisted he was right and wouldn't listen to me when i told him to change the PCM and region from tricare south to west, you have to fill out the forms and fax it in.

He hasn't done that! That means the pyschiatrist won't see me until it's changed. Ugh!!!

I asked that one thing from him since he won't change diapers, bathe, dress, etc little man.

Now I have to go out in rainy and freezing weather to fax that stuff off. It'll take between 6-8 days to go through. Now I won't get back in until their appoineny near the end of the month!
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