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Am i a "loser magnet"?


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
October 24th, 2009, 05:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
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OK One of our members (sorry Hope! LOL) claims to be a "loser magnet". Personally, I don't think there is such a thing but I would be my bottom dollar that at least 90% if not all of us have felt like one at some point in time. So why is that? Because we made a mistake or two? Because someone else took advantage of us? How does that make us loser magnets? It doesn't! Vulnerable? Yes. Gullible even? Yes, possibly. People pleasers? Definitely! Loser magnet? Only if we choose to be. So why do we feel like that? Because we are so sure we aren't worth what others are, we encourage it. We encourage others to take advantage of us and if they don't automatically, we push them to. If a guy does something nice for us, we pay him back ten times over. Instead of just saying THANK YOU, we have to go overboarrd showing how much we appreciate it and how nice it was and blah blah blah....let's put that in real life terms.
A guy asks you to dinner and a movie on Friday night. He picks you up and you go to dinner:$25.00, a movie: $18.00 and he gets you a drink and you share some popcorn:$15.00 Total spent? $58.00. So he parks the car in front of your house at the end of your evening and leans in to kiss you. His hand immediately goes to your chest and before you know it he is spending the night (or worse yet, getting up after the fact, getting dressed and leaving). He never calls you again and you're left wondering what you did wrong? Aren't I worth more than that? Are you no good in bed? Did you say something wrong? Honey, it isn't that you aren't worthy of more, it is that you aren't telling HIM that! You have just told him that is your value. $58.00. That's what you're worth. Well, you know yourself better than anyone else in the world so who is he to argue? STOP DOING THAT! Show him that you are worth more. I'm no prude, ok..I enjoy sex as much as anyone and probably more than most but I also know that if given the chance most men will "hit and run". It's like a badge of honor with them--though there is no honor in it if you ask me. Give them the chance to get to know you before they put a pricetag on you! I'm not saying you have to date for a year before you have sex or for that matter any timeframe at all. I'm just saying if you're going to give up the goods before you have shown him your true value, make sure you are doing so because you EXPECT NOTHING MORE THAN THAT! That way, you don't wind up wishing you could take it back and feeling like you were taken advantage of. If you don't want to feel like that, then protect yourself by giving him a chance to get to know you first and determine that you are worth more than just a quickie and out the door. Let's face it,girls. he could just as easily head on down to the street, pick up a hooker and get the job done for around $50.00. For the extra $8.00 he has at least given himself a pretty good chance tht his willie doesn't fall off in 3 months and he got to have dinner, see the movie he wanted (because lets be honest, we never say "No, I don't really want to see Night of the Living Dead Zombies who Eat Worms and Drive Corvettes Through the Streets of San Francisco While Crashing into Trolleys and Jumping Hills and Blowing Stuff Up") and he got to get the prize without having to commit to anything more. Don't be mad at him...YOU are the one who allowed him to get what he wanted and sad truth is ladies, most men will hit whatever they can if given half a chance and unless they feel some sort of obligation to commit to more, they won't call back! I'm not saying that sometimes things don't work out perfectly and he enjoys more than the bedroom with you and wants to see you again. I'm just saying that you need to give him a chance to KNOW you before EXPECTING that outcome.
So you give him the chance and he's still a loser. Did you listen to that little voice in your head? You know the one that said "WATCH OUT!" and waved the big glowing red flags? Or did you say "Oh but he's so good looking and I really like him and he DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT"? LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! If something tells you he's disrespecting you, he is. If something tells you there is more to what he is saying than what he is saying...THERE IS! We KNOW things as women. We see patterns and familiar situations and we recognise the warnign signs but we're so afraid of seeming (w)itchy or paranoid or mean or hurting someone that we push it down and say NOTHING! Be a (W)ITCH! Be paranoid! This is your HEART! You have every right to protect it from harm. If that means that you come off sounding like a (w)itch when he says something that hurts you and you call him on it then do it. If he is GENUINE about his feelings for you and is truly interested in you and cares if the relationship goes anywhere then he will accept that he has hurt you and make it right! IF HE DOESN'T THEN DUMP HIM! Kick his butt to the curb cause he will only cause you pain! If you had hurt him, wouldn't you make it right? Would you just go "I didn't mean it like that, stop being so sensitive!" or would you say "I'm sorry! I honestly didn't mean it like that and I am sorry I hurt you"? Why would you expect less from him? You DESERVE to be treated with respect so start requiring it in your relationships and you won't feel like a loser magnet anymore...because the losers get weeded out early on in the process. Only the cream of the crop survives and moves on to the finals. Imagine having ONLY really great guys to pick from! Nothing but "can't-lose-with-him" picks. No more "I could do worse" choices or "he's not that bad" choices. It's what you deserve. Demand it. And yes, you are entitled to feel and act just a little bit superior because YOU ARE WORTHY! The losers are no longer your contemporaries but rather beneath you--not someone worthy of your attention beyond a polite "No, thank you" when they ask you out. Start thinking that way and you will attract men who think that way also. When you meet someone who IS worthy of what you have to offer, you will feel lucky to have found him and HE will feel the same way about you! Put a higher value on yourself than $58.00 or whatever he spent on you tonight and start thinking of yourself as worthy of a longtime commitment and the respect you deserve. Then you will find the relationship that lets you see you are NOT a LOSER MAGNET!
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  #2  
October 24th, 2009, 04:48 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
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LMAO! *going to change my name* Today I lack the abilility to be vulnerable because that's what I choose. Its safe here. But I do know that if I do really buy that shirt, I will be guaranteed to never have a bf ever again nor will anyone of the opposite sex talk to me, and Im ok with that! On second thought, I may just buy 7 of them- one for every day of the week.

Dont know where all the sex talk came in...or if it was directed at me....if so, maybe because I have been divorced twice and have 5 kids? But it's been as long as my son is old plus nine months...and I could care less. I dont have time for all that mess.

They are all great points, and that little voice? I had that little voice on my wedding day. I even wanted to wear my running shoes, but I figured that was just because I was afraid to marry again-afraid that it would turn out like my last one. Should have listened. I suppose I wanted to paint myself into a picture that was not in my artists' masterpiece. I loved the idea of marriage, the companionship, the committment, family, kids, the whole shabang. I rushed into it. I rushed because I was selfish. I rushed because I was in love with with idea. I didnt wait on God-my master artist- to even see WHERE in the picture he wanted me or IF that was even the picture I was supposed to be in!

When I look back now, I waited two years to marry him. But I was determined to do this the right way...patiently and make sure. For two years he was great to me, my kids, and I loved him. I still love him. But it sure doesn't mean that I have to put up with who he changed into. Its not my job to change anyone. But if something gets in the way of me caring for my kids basic needs, Im out. The other thing that has been difficult for me to grasp is JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN FORGIVE SOMEONE, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STAY IN THAT RELATIONSHIP (OR TAKE ANY KIND OF ABUSE.)

Im rambling again.....

So true, Dani, just so dang true. I havent posted anything heartfelt or deep for quite a while...lol.....and it helps when I do...Thanks for the reminder....
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  #3  
October 24th, 2009, 04:59 PM
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Wow...

But how does one learn to truly forgive the so and themself?
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  #4  
October 25th, 2009, 12:18 AM
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Forgiveness for the things this man has done to me and my children isn't and hasnt come over night. I am still angry, bitter, and it is taking TIME. I still have those feelings and those thoughts. The thing is this...I dont WANT to be be angry or bitter. I dont want to be in that kind of bondage. And I want peace in my life. That is something I ask God to help me with every day to surrender, to forgive...it's daily for me. But I dont want or need revenge....and eye for an eye? No thanks. What I struggle with now is his threats, manipulation, intimidation tactics and using the kids to do this. It floors me that he can still get to me this way...see it's a work in progress. So I just keep telling myself that I can't get upset over this or that.....because I will NOT give this man the power to steal away my joy. Not anymore.

Ria, I totally wish I could answer that question. Im so not there yet. I will say that the complete GUILT I have felt for even getting into this relationship and allowing myself and my children to be vulnerable, to trust another person (I didn't say MAN lol) on this level is probably THE hardest thing. He dropped the three kids that I brought into this marriage and wants nothing to do with them except for the babies...his own seed. It hurts to hear my youngest daughter sob with her face buried in my shirt that 'all she wanted was a daddy.' I do kick myself for that.

But REALLY, I have to talk to me sometimes. There was NO WAY I could have foreseen this. None. I didn't make the choice to leave. I didnt' make the choice to not provide for my children. I didn't make the choice to lose the house. I didn't make the choice to hurt my children. I didn't refuse counseling. What reason do have to feel guilty? Because I married him? Nah, I couldn't have foreseen this....and certainly, ONE person cant make a marriage work. There is no reason I should feel guilty. I waited for a year...maybe he would decide that counseling is important...he didn't. I dont regret waiting that year, either. I wanted to make sure he was sure. I wanted to find myself, find my lost identity and my strength and know that I could do this. And waiting this year has broken my heart, made me stronger, but the most important thing is that I can look back and say to myself, I hung on, I tried before giving up, and I TRULY wanted our marriage to work. There's no guilt on this end. I am a free woman.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I was the one who wanted the divorce and wasnt willing to go to counseling and hang onto all of this. Is it easier to be the one treating someone else like a disposable diaper on the side of the road for the garbage collector or easier to be the diaper?
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  #5  
October 25th, 2009, 06:35 AM
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Hope, I absolutely did NOT mean that as a jab at you (the sex talk). Actually, I was speaking straight from my own experience. I hope I didn't offend you in any way because I think the world of you!
You are absolutely correct about it being a work in progress and I will tell you that it took me YEARS after my divorce to quit allowing him to have any control over me. During the first year I can't tell you how many arguments we got into in the middle of the night. He would call me and just start yelling, calling me names, telling me what to do, what not to do, etc. And I would get sucked right into it sometimes for HOURS! I can remember hanging up on him after he calling me a "fudging whole" (JM and their censors would not allow me to abreviate properly. LOL change the l to an r and I think we all know what fudging is. LOL) and feeling GUILTY! How messed up is that? These days I hang up on him if he even hints that he may say something out of line--he has no control over me anymore and the ONLY reason I speak to him is if there is something about the kids we need to discuss. It takes time. It takes growth. It takes a lot of self talk to get to the point where you don't feel like you're dong something wrong in standing up for yourself and when you finally reach that turning point and begin that transformation, it feels wonderful! SO empowering! And that forgiveness? I think a lot of times we confuse forgiveness with forgetting. I forgive my mother for putting me in a situation that allowed my grandfather access to me. I will never forget it though. I understand her position and can even sympathise about the position she was in and how she felt she had no choice...but I won't forget that she did have a choice and still allowed him access to me. I would not have made that choice. You may, someday, forgive your (ex)husband for what he has put you through. But you will never forget that he did it and therefor always be a little more guarded than you were before...making sure it never happens again. You won't ignore the signs anymore. As far as those little voices? OMG I ignored them and screamed at them to STFU! I mentally did the LALALALALALAICAN'THEARYOULALALALALALALALA and paid the price for it later on. I did NOT wait 2 years but rather rushed into the marriage 3 months after we met--I think I was afraid he might change his mind when he got to know me. LOL Ironically, I moved even faster with Tom. He moved in 2 weeks after we met and we started planning the wedding. We were married 5 months later and that was only because the kids wanted us to have a wedding--we would have gladly just done the JP thing at the courthouse!
No, Hope if anything in this post is aimed at you it is that I see the woman you are capable of being and I want to take all those negative thoughts out of your head because you are such a terrificl person! You have such a tremendous heart and I do hope that someday you will have all your dreams come true...and maybe find someone who is worthy of you!
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Last edited by Blondzilla; October 25th, 2009 at 06:38 AM.
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  #6  
October 26th, 2009, 02:18 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Dani I was not offended at all. I thought it was funny actually...and true. I know that anything coming from you is either to support, encourage or the truth.
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  #7  
October 26th, 2009, 05:09 PM
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Thank you, sweetie. I try! LOL
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  #8  
October 28th, 2009, 06:40 AM
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Wow.. I feel like I did the lalala thing. Trust gets harder and so does forgiveness with each thing done. I can't forget. I never forgot what he's done/said/threatened. I lost my trust in him, my faith..

I hope someday I get to where you are dani. I want to be happy. I want to have that strength to hang up on him if he calls and is a jerk.
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