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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
October 27th, 2009, 11:49 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I was just curious how long from the time you divorced to the time you started dating?

And how in the world did you not pick out EVERY little flaw/red flag as an excuse to not let a relationship progress?

They are kinda personal, I suppose, but I was just curious.
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  #2  
October 28th, 2009, 05:22 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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Ohhhh look at those precious babies!!! OMG I just want to snuggle them! They are gorgeous!
I was so mentally over the marriage by the time it ended that I really didn't have any "hangups" about dating again. I'd wanted out for a good ten years so it wasn't as though I had to mourn the marriage. I moved to Florida in September and started going out with my sister once or twice a month by Christmas. I had my first date sometime in January and by March was in my first relationship--which lasted about a month. LOL OK OK so I missed certain "benefits" of marriage. LOL
The red flags you learn to notice immediately if they remind you of your ex. A guy will say or do something and all of the sudden you are thinking about your ex and you say to yourself "That sounds like something he would have said" and the alarms start ringing and you begin to hang on every single word, not so much because you are so interested in what he is saying but because you're disecting it for hidden meaning. That's what happened with my first relationship. Within a month, I was seeing things that reminded me of my ex. Perhaps I was being paranoid but I was so determined NOT to fall into that trap again that I just lost interest in him completely. That happened a few more times before I began to realize that I needed to work on me before I added another person to my life. So I quit dating a while--about a year. I'd go out to dinner as friends once in a while with one guy that I'd dated a few times and we both agreed that although we really liked each other, there was no spark and we would be better off as friends. He was a good friend and for that time he fulfilled my desire for male companionship in every way EXCEPT sexual. We never got that far and although we flirted, both of us knew we didn't mean it. I've never had a relationship with a guy that was purely platonic before or since. LOL We used to give each other advice on dating, what he/she really means when he/she says ____...things like that. It was actually very rewarding and enlightening, although I think he has a lower opinion of men than I do. LMAO
About 2 years after my divorce I had my first "serious" relationship. Well, it was serious on MY part anyway. He neglected to tell me I wasn't the only woman in his life and one night I pulled into the parking lot where he worked to meet him for dinner and I was about 15 minutes early. I found him wrapped up in someone else's arms. He tried to tell me it was his ex wife (why he didn't introduce me to her) and he was just comforting her because her dog died. There is a HUGE difference between a consoling hug and a romantic hug and then there was that look of OH CRAP on his face. LOL Broke my heart but retrospectively he did me a HUGE favor by planning his dates on the same day. LOL I had one other serious relationship after that before I met Tom. Again, I was devastated by the end--I was unceremoniously dumped on my patootey but again, best thing that happened to me because shortly after that, I met Tom. I was on three dating sites for about 2 years--met the last relationship on one as well as Tom. I had a lot of first dates and a few second and thirds but rarely did it go past that. I think most of the time you can tell by the second or third and many times by the first if he's a good fit for you. It's discouraging at times and frustrating but I don't regret any of it because it got me to where I was when I met Tom and I would not have been "ready" for him much earlier.
I look on dating as "shopping". You try a few things on (first dates), some you like well enough to take home with you (second, third dates) but wind up returning because you realized you already have one like that in the closet and you don't wear that one either. Once in a while you find something you really like and you take it home and wear it, but the seam rips out or the zipper fails and you have to throw it out (end the relationship). If you keep shopping and trying things on, you begin to see that some styles are perfect for you and others, although you like them on someone else, they just aren't right for you. So you stick to the ones that are your style and then one day, you find something in the perfect color, a wonderful fabric and just your size! As with shopping, dating is time consuming and often frustrating. Sometimes it seems as though you will never find the perfect one. And as with shopping, if you take accept something as "good enough" you're not going to be happy with it in the end and you'll regret it. And sometimes--as with shopping, dating can leave you feeling sad and ugly. Avoid those stores at all cost. (the swimsuit stores! LOL) And sometimes--not very often--you find something so perfect you can't believe someone hasn't already snatched it up! Grab onto it, run to the register and break out the card cause you NEED this one! (sometimes some silly woman had already snatched it up but returned it...her loss/your gain! LOL) That's my Tom. For the first time in my life, I feel completely content with someone. I don't compare him to anyone else because there is no comparison. I don't wonder if I made the right choice because I KNOW I did. I don't worry about "what if" because I know he will be there always and when the day comes that he isn't, he'll be waiting for me on the other side with a hot cup of coffee, a warm loving smile and a great big hug!
No one can tell you when you're ready to try again. You'll know. Just as no one can tell you which ones would be the best fit for you. You'll know that too. Listen to your gut. DO NOT ignore the warning signs--those two failed relationships that broke my heart? I ignored some of the signs because I WANTED them. That doesn't work. Eventually the want wears off and you're faced with realities. You need to insure that the realities are as close to perfect for you as they can be. "Want" covers up and ignores a whole lot of stuff that reality shoves your face into. Just because you see a red flag doesn't mean you have to toss the relationship--some things you can live with and some things you can't. Another thing only YOU can decide. Just be aware of them and when you see signs of a controlling or abusive personality, don't allow your heart to go any further into the relationship until you have determined that sign to be false. If you see more than one sign of something, chances are it's for real and you need to move on or you will regret it. What worked well for me was to sit down and list the things that I could not tolerate in a relationship--control, abuse (any kind), infidelity, etc. then I listed the things that I would prefer not to deal with but could accept--sports fanatic, messy, cheap. LOL Then I listed the things I wanted in an ideal man--romantic, spontaneous, etc and finally, I listed all the things I could not live without--stable emotionally, considerate, respectful, kindhearted, strong, good morals, etc. It seems to be a lot easier to identify the traits you're looking for and looking to avoid when you put them on paper. It solidifies them. Then whenever I would meet someone new, I'd mentally go through my checklist whenever he would do or say something that applied to something on my list. It's surprising how quickly you can eliiminate people when you do that! LOL I found that MOST guys would give me a reason to write them off my Christmas card list during the first date...I just hadn't been paying attention! LOL I had been ignoring a lot of things and not wanting to seem like a witch, I made mental excuses for them...they didn't even need to excuse their behavior themselves. Retrospectively, I was an easy date. LMAO
OK so I kinda went off on a tangent there...lol typical Dani response.
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  #3  
October 28th, 2009, 06:31 AM
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Wow... That's really something to think about.
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  #4  
October 28th, 2009, 12:44 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Really, I dont see myself making a list and checking them twice anytime soon, I was just curious how you dont toss out EVERY single relationship. I just think my standards will be too high or unreasonable, but maybe that's where the needed to be from the beginning? Does that even make sense?

Or maybe my biggest mistake was lowering my standards and not listening to that little voice or that 'gut feeling' which was there because of my selfishness and what I wanted.....hmmmm....thoughts to ponder.....
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  #5  
October 28th, 2009, 07:44 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
Or maybe my biggest mistake was lowering my standards and not listening to that little voice or that 'gut feeling' which was there because of my selfishness and what I wanted.....hmmmm....thoughts to ponder.....
AMEN!!!
Know your worth! You are worth so much more than you've been demanding. You can't set your standards too high. Love will find a way.
HUGS!
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