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1) Only I can decide when it's time to go.
2) No one can do this for me.
3) Finding options to a way out is empowering.
4) Knowing that I had options helped me to not feel completely helpless.
5) Knowing that I had options, no longer gave me an excuse to stay and scared me to death.
6) Sometimes you can plan everything, sometimes you can't.
7) I have more peace now than I did before.
8) I have more time with my kids now that there is no fighting.
9) No one can take anything away from me anymore.
10) I am empowered, strong, brave and can take on anything put before me-EVEN when I feel I can't go on.
11) I can forgive and work daily to free myself from bondage.
12) Moving on and 'going it alone' is not so bad.
13) I WILL get through all of this, and look at this as a learning tool, and not as a failure.
I know. It hurts so much. i found a great shelter here. They do counseling, individual or group, have clothing closets, 3 month stay, transitional housing, daycare vouchers, food, art rooms/playrooms for little man, job placement, child counseling, parent counseling, etc..
But it's full... I don't know when they'll have room.
Get yourself on the list! At the most, it would be 3 months, right? Well those 3 months are going to fly whether you're at the shelter or still with him and in the meantime you are working on YOU! You will accomplish SO MUCH in 3 months and it will give you something that is lacking right now--HOPE. Things don't always happen in the timeframe we would like them to but if we keep working toward our goals, we are moving forward and growning. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to see. Read over Hope's list again...so many things on that list apply to you RIGHT NOW. Allow yourself to feel empowered by your actions--whether or not he or your mother see it or appreciate it. The people in your life that are threatened by your growth and would rather keep you down will continue to try to sabotage your efforts. Don't let them! THEY are the reason you feel the way you do to begin with. From what you have said, it sounds like your mother was rather cold and systematic in her parenting of you. She may have been abusive as well, I don't know. But remember this--The cycle does not have to continue! You CAN stop it! It doesn't have to be continued in your life OR passed on to Freiderick--YOU have control over that! Isn't it nice to know that? YOU have control over something that will affect your sons life and your life permenently! That is big! You have the power to help Frederick to become a loving and supportive man for his future family. By being the best mother you can be, you're also adding tremendously to your self esteem...which in turn adds to your feelings of self worth and inclination to stand up for yourself when treated poorly. Once you see yourself as much more than you have been told all your life, you will spot the mistreatment easily and begin to see that the flaw in this situation is not yours...but theirs! It isn't YOUR lack of worth that causes them to treat you so poorly. It's THEIR OWN concept of themselves that makes them want to push you down and keep you there. They view themselves as substandard. As with so many people who suffer from such low opinions of themselves, they long to feel superior to SOMEONE! Well they're determined to make that someone YOU. So far they have been able to do that successfully. That's about to come to an end though because you have just realized you are NOT substandard nor do you deserve such shabby treatment! They view that as you getting all high and mighty and the more you think of yourself, the greater the chances are that you will realize you are actually as good IF NOT BETTER than they are! They can't take the idea that you might figure this out...so they work hard at keeping you down. Well tough. They don't get to do that anymore because you KNOW you aren't beneath them anymore! YOU KNOW THIS! You have a good, kind heart and treat other's respectfully and you love your child and you are begining to love yourself! No you aren't perfect, but you are a work in progress and getting better all the time. Yes, you have made mistakes--been unkind or even cruel at times, been irresponsible...all kinds of things. But you were never LESS than another person...you were only made to FEEL that you were. Now you understand that and you're working toward making your life good again--or perhaps for the first time ever. There are so many wonderful things just waiting for you and you will enjoy more than you ever thought possible...right now you are in your infancy and need to patiently work toward learning to walk before you can learn to run and jump...and dance. You get yourself on that list and any others in your area that you can find. As soon as something opens up, GRAB IT!
I remember a quote from--forgive me but I can't recall his name--a real estate millionaire. He had made his millions buying and selling real estate and COUNTLESS more millions buy selling his HOW TO books. I think his first name was Robert but I can't remember the last name to save myself! Anyway, one of the things that he was fond of saying and that has stuck with me for many years (my parents used to buy those HOW TO courses from these guys) was "If you will do for 5 years what most people WON'T do, you can do for the rest of your life what most people CAN'T do!" Now apply that philosophy to where you are right now. If you are willing to work hard to get your self esteem up to where it can and should be, you can accomplish anything--career, relationship, family, money...all of it. BUT you have to be willing to do what it takes for the prescribed time. How long? That's the part that can't be predicted because of all the variables in your life that are unique to you. BUT as a rule of thumb, I think you can accomplish what you are wanting within 5 years for the basics--home, family self esteem and maybe education--and for the ultimate within 10 years--money, career etc. Now naturally, it's all going to hinge on how hard you are willing to work. It may be that you are in a position where you can't get any help from anyone--that's going to make it take a little longer. It may be that you have family and friends who are just ACHING to help you with this and are offering child care and financialy assistance that will cut the time in half! Either way that time is going to pass and wouldn't it be nice if at the end of 5 or 10 years you looked back and said "I made it!" instead of "I wish I had done this 5 or 10 years ago"--like I did. If I could turn back the hands of time I would do so many things differently! I would NEVER have quit college to put my ex through school. I would have gotten my degree and started on my career back then. I would NEVER have allowed him to keep me from returning to school when I wanted to. I would never have stayed in such a loveless and unrewarding marriage. I would have spread my wings and flown as high as I could manage! But I wasn't willing to try or to go against his wishes. I took the easy way and although I have so much to be thankful for, I wish I had done more for me.
Right now, Ria you are where I was about 20 years ago. Don't make the mistakes I made. Don't sell yourself short. Don't live a life of misery because you are afraid you won't be able to manage. YOU WILL BE ABLE TO MANAGE! Not just manage, either. You will PROSPER! Define your dreams, then spread your wings and learn to fly! Pursue them to wherever you have to. If you do fail, at least you can say "I tried"--which is more than most people can say. Chances are you will achieve at least SOME of your dreams...what a wonderful legacy to hand down to your son and any future children you might have! The ability to FLY!
Last edited by Blondzilla; October 29th, 2009 at 12:00 PM.
Ria, that sounds like a wonderful place and I am bombarding heaven with prayers that you get in soon! I'm so glad you're crying happy tears! That is the best kind and God knows you are LONG overdue for some good tears! I'm excited for you and I hope that you will be able to keep in touch while you're there and let us know how things are going. Soon this will all be behind you and you will have a happier, more rewarding life. Each step you take, remember: YOU did this! YOu thought you couldn't do it and you are DOING IT! Congratulate yourself and take pride in the fact that you are creating the life you want for you and your son and that takes GUTS! You are much stronger than you think you are and you're proving tht to yourself. It's going to be hard, you know that. But you can do this! No matter how tiny the step, keep in mind that a year ago, you were far behind where you are now and a year from now you will be far ahead. It doesn't matter how long you stayed or how long it takes to get where you want to be...you are getting there! Growth takes time and even though it seems to drag on while you're going through it, one day you're going to look back and say Wow! It's over! I did it!
Be proud of yourself, Ria. You deserve it!