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Today I feel really blah. I should feel happy that he hasn't started on arguement or even called me anything. Instead i feel blah and like I want to cry. He asked me what was wrong.. And all I could think was.. I'm leaving soon and I look forward to being on my own.
He's in denial. He asked me what the Christmas plans were going to be. I realized little man and I will be spending Christmas alone. I doubt he'll get much presents. I don't know how my finances were going to be.
Ria, you're going to have days like that. There will be days when you wonder if you did the right thing or not. Days when you think you just can't make it. But they'll pass. I promise. You're also going to find thatyou will still go through a period of mourning for the relationship. It can happen before the marriage ends or after but most of the time it does happen. You've been so busy being put down, you haven't had time to feel the loss yet. It doesn't mean you want the relationship back but with all relationships come dreams. You dream of how your life is going to be, of growing old together, of your children and all the rest. You're going to mourn those dreams even when you want the relationship itself to end. You're also going to be afraid. You know the old saying "Better the devil you know"? Well we tend to want to apply that to abusive relationships. It's normal to want to know as much as you can about your future. It's when we realise the volatility of that future that we determine that might not be the best place to stay. That's where you are now. You will get through this and when you do, you will feel proud of yourself because you are strong! You'll see that his views of you were not reality. You're not stupid, but he needs you to THINK you are so you will stay and be his release. He needs someone to violate to make himself feel powerful. That's you and Frederick. You deserve more than that. You're better than that. You're about to prove that to him and to yourself and to the world!
When you have those bad days, do something for yourself. Take Frederick somewhere special--the park, a friend's house, even just a walk. See the world through his eyes. Nothing makes you feel more hopeful about the future than seeing it through a child's eye. Children have no worries and still find magic in every day things...flowers...bugs...birds...the changing leaves. The idea is to get you out of this way of thinking and focusing on something else. Anything different will accomplish that.
When someone once told me that I was mourning the end of the relationship I thought they'd lost their minds! I was like NO WAY! I couldn't wait to get out and I'm glad I did!! But then she said "You're mourning the loss of what you wanted the relationship to be, the happily ever after part you played in your mind." And then I was like OK that makes sense. You're going to have days where you feel like you're on top of the world. ANd then you'll have days where you feel the weight of the world is crushing you. You just have to stay strong and hang on! Eventually the weight of the world will get lighter and lighter. It won't happen right away, it takes time. Eventually you'll be able to breathe again, and I know it's hard to imagine that now. I remember the thought of being out seemed like ti would never happen, that I would be stuck in there forever. But Now I am out, and I've made a new and wonderful life for myself, and I'm happier that I ever thought was possible. So hang in there kiddo, just don't give up
Raean, 27 - single mom to Chloe (1.31.03) & Savanna (8.26.05)