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I need advice.....please!


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
November 10th, 2009, 05:19 PM
LadyTkachenko's Avatar *~GreenTeamFeb2015~*
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Location: WA
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Well, I have been with my husband for almost 9 years now. I have 4 children. (3 with my husband) My husband works and I stay home with the kids. I am kept without my own money and he never watches the kids. I tried leaving him last weekend and he just came to my Dad's and got me. I was too scared to tell him I wanted to end the marriage. He treats me like crap all the time. I feel like I can not do anything right. He yells at me and calls me names in front of the kids. I don't love him anymore and I just want to move on. One thing he said when he picked me up at my dads was that I couldn't handle being a single mom and that I wouldn't last 3 months. That really hurt. I know its not true but I hate how he thinks so little of me. I have the support of my family and his family. His own mom hates the way he treats me. Sad huh? I am just so scared to leave. He is a big guy with a big temper and I am only 5'4" and 100 lbs. I know he wouldn't let me go without a HUGE fight. I have no money to file or hire a lawer. Any advice for a scared little mama?........

Also, everytime I try to talk to him he makes me feel like I am being ungreatful. He works so hard and pays for everything and blah, blah, blah. yet I'm still unhappy. How ungreatful! He makes me feel like I am overreacting.....
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  #2  
November 11th, 2009, 06:07 AM
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Sweetie, it is scary, I know. I was in your shoes just a few years ago--controlled and intimidated not by his size but because I had never been on my own and had no education or job experience. It came to a head one night when he beat me to a pulp. I took two kids in the middle of the night to a hotel. I was in my nightgown and had nothing but my purse--didn't even have shoes. Now 8 years later I have a new husband who treats me like gold, a home of my own--which I bought myself before I met my new husband!--and was a successful deparmtment manager (I've since quit because I didn't want to work the hours retail demands). If I can do those things, anyone can--INCLUDING YOU! You're in a good position because the families are behind you and it sounds like if you'd stick to your guns, they would protect you. You have witnesses to his abuse...and make no mistake about it, this IS abuse!
Call legal aid. Ask them how to go about getting things in motion INCLUDING a restraining order and temporary custody order. Once you have everything in place, pack up and go when he's not home. Once you're out, do NOT go back! He cannot force you! You have every right to live a peaceful life and with him in it it's NOT peaceful!
And STOP TTC! The LAST thing you need right now is another baby with him!
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  #3  
November 11th, 2009, 10:41 AM
LadyTkachenko's Avatar *~GreenTeamFeb2015~*
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Yeah I thought I had his families support but I am not sure now. I talked to his sister. (who has seen how he treats me.) She seemed like she was behind me but she told thier brother, who rushed over and told my husband my plans. I heard them whispering about it lastnight. He went to work this morning and was acting like nothing happened. I worry now because I think he is going to make things alot harder for me now that he knows I want to leave.

I am not TTC. That was my first cycle since having my son a year ago. I was trying to avoid it but when he wants to have sex and I don't want to he throws a fit. I marked it on my chart just for record. Please, pray that I am not pregnant. That is a big stress for me right now.
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  #4  
November 11th, 2009, 01:24 PM
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*hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this. The ladies here are great. Very upfront and honest.

I hope you're not pg either. Have you called legal aid?
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  #5  
November 11th, 2009, 08:42 PM
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Bottom line is that no one can force you to stay if you want to leave. they can force you to stay close so he can see his children...they can make it difficult, but they cannot force you to stay--that is imprisonment and illegal. Now it is hard to leave, don't get me wrong. Very hard. Probalby one of the hardest things you will ever do because you will need to stand firm and if he has beaten you down as much as it sounds like, you're going to want to cave just to keep him from being angry and threatening. Don't. If you TRULY want to leave, stand your ground. TRUST ME! This is going to be the one thing you will look back on and be the proudest of..that you got out! You will probably need help--legal aid, a shelter, your parent's, possibly the police. Don't be afraid to ask...you're entitled to it, you've earned it and God knows your taxes have already paid for it! There are programs in place to help you get on your feet, get a job, get a place of your own, feed and clothe your kids and yourself. You CAN make it! Please feel free to vent here or seek advice or a shoulder to cry on or even to brag about having done it! We are here for you!
HUGS!
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  #6  
November 12th, 2009, 11:38 AM
LadyTkachenko's Avatar *~GreenTeamFeb2015~*
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Thanks! My older son from a previous relashionship is native american. I plan on asking the tribe for help. I would love to talk to a lawer right now but I have no money and no way of getting any. My husband controls all the funds and he only gives me a little here and there when we need something for the house. $20.00-$40.00 here and there. I have already started my list of things I need to do to make this work. I am really stressed right now because of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I really don't want to mess up my kids holidays this year. ~sigh~
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  #7  
November 13th, 2009, 06:57 AM
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Legal Aid can help. Call them and ask them your questions. They may not be able to take your case but if nothing else they'll be able to give you advice on how to get started and what you need to do.
I used to worry about things like Chsitmas and birthdays too. I didn't want my kids being uprooted during any special events. The best Christmas we ever had together was our first one after we left--and I regret I was never able to give that to my older son because his dad kicked him out of the house at 17. Your kids will have a good Christmas...the families will make sure of it and so will you. But if they are watching their mom and dad fight, THAT is giong to spoil it for them...believe me I know. My kids never had a quiet Chrismtas until we left. They got a lot more "stuff" when we were with their dad but once the gifts were opened they had to put everything away and be quiet. There was no Christmas music, watching Christmas movies as a family, driving around looking at lights and decorations, baking goodies, just snuggling on the sofa and watching the tree...none of that. It wasn't perfect after we left by any means but it was worlds better than before. We may not have had the money that my ex made but we had more love and respect for one another than we were ever allowed to have with him. I was never allowed to speak up for my kids because it was against him. They couldn't speak up for me or they were punished--which in my son's cases meant a beating. We have a bond now that we were never allowed to have back then and it is strong. There is nothing I would not do for them and vice versa.
Your oldest is old enough to understand what's going on. The younger ones will adapt. It will take time and it will be hard...it will also be worth it when you don't have to ask permission or answer to him or live in fear.
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  #8  
November 17th, 2009, 01:24 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Just read this....

How is everything going now? Im here to tell you, if I can make it with 5 babies, you can do it with 4-you already know that

Hoping everything is going well....and you update soon.

HUGS!!!!
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