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Hello everyone. I was wondering if I may (sadly) join. My name is Brandie and I have been married to my husband for 3 years, but we've been together 11 years (in May). He informed me about 3 weeks ago he wanted a divorce because he wasn't happy, only to find out he had been having an affair. He never admitted it but the night I found out I had tracked him online by buying a prepaid phone and downloading a GPS program on it and put it in his truck. He told me that he was going to hang out with his friends that night so I saw him go to his work (where he friend works) then he called me to say he had a flat tire and if I would call around to like Walmart's tire center and see if they were still open and we got into it. But less than an hour later he was at some house, then he left a few minutes later, then went to Walmart and Taco Bell, then went to another house. I drove by the house he was at and seen his friends cars there but when I went home and waited a few more hours I saw he went back to the very first house, so he had picked someone up and was dropping them off. When he got home we got into it because I asked him specifically his trip and he kept omitting the street he had picked someone up on so I asked him who lived on that street and he just denied being there at all. Then I asked him what he got at Walmart and he said beer, so I grabbed his pants and pulled out the receipt and what do you know...on the bottom was condoms. He said they were a gag gift for his friend but come on. I said I was leaving with the receipt and he actually attacked me. He called the police (which I work for) and he ended up going to jail because he had no marks and I did.
So then I got to looking over the phone records and saw this number on there all the time, I called it and it went to voicemail for a girl named Beth. I remembered the name, vaguely and knew she worked with him and then I saw were he would be talking to her and then his friend and they would be minutes apart, but repeat calls so I knew that not only was he doing this, his friends knew about it too (who knew he was married) so they were all a group. He worked during the day at his dad's business and part time at night as a diesel mechanic and he told me his schedule was Monday-Friday (because one weekend he was on call with his dad's business and the next weekend he would be completely off with me because I worked every other weekend) but I never requested to see his schedule so I don't even know what his real schedule was.
The sad part is, I had no idea. I have been a member of JM for almost a year and we were TTC our first for a complete year, per HIS request. I look over his facebook and myspace status updates and I just cry and cry because they almost always say something about he and I. Like our anniversary in which he said he was so blessed or that he was laying in bed with the Mrs. And he was doing everything that he always had, we had went out to dinner, we had done our thing, we had done Christmas which he got all the things I wanted, including my favorite chocolate. He had just dug holes for these trees I wanted (but didn't ask for: he traded work for them at a local nursery and he surprised me with them) so it was a complete shock.
To be completely honest, I had an affair about a year and a half ago but my husband asked me to stay and said we would work through it and all had been fine. Then when I found out he wanted a divorce (by finding a webiste up on his laptop on MY side of the bed for divorcesupport.com) he said he actually did not forgive me and actually did not love me anymore. The funny part was I had told him the date that I planned on telling him and leaving (which was suppose to be Jan 21st of last year) and guess what morning I found out he did not love me anymore....Jan 22nd (only because I worked night shift the night before and didn't get off until 6am). I told him that and he said "Oh you don't think I don't remember that" as in...yes, I remember that date, because I decided that I did forgive you but really I'm still pissed about it and hate you because of it....a year later...so I did all this to say "ha ha b*tch!" Then he told me that I wasn't suppose to find that website and after I got some books on divorce and started talking about it he said he had only looked at that one site. Only to find out he had been doing the same thing for months. After he went to jail I moved out all of my things and I have been at my mothers. He found out I was printing off the phone records (I changed the password and since the account was in his name, it must have sent a text message to his phone) so he immediately changed the password and then the next morning cut our phones off. So I have had no contact with him in over 2 weeks but I did sign a Protection From Abuse order so we will have to go to court March 12th (if he even shows). I am honestly waiting for my divorce papers from him but haven't gotten them yet. I did see one lawyer and her fee was about $3000 and that is for the basics because the house is in his name and he's only been paying on a 30 yr mortgage for 5 years, 3 married so the equity is not there. Even if somehow I got the house I would have to get my own mortgage and that's not going to happen.
I'm just so lost and so hurt and so confused because I loved him, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We had been talking about getting papers drawn up that if something happened to him I could harvest his sperm (we had a convo about the mom who wanted to harvest her 16 year old's son's sperm) because we had been trying and if something happened to him I would be crushed. I mean we were watching football games together and going out together. I just keep thinking I could have been better and before I found out he was having an affair I begged him every single night to stay and to do counseling and I told him I would be better, I told him that we never had to move, we could get rid of my dogs (he was always complaining about them), told him we never had to have a child. But his mind was already made up. His mother and father divorced when he was 13 because his dad had an affair and he has NEVER been the cheating type. He has never been the party type or the drinking type until he started being friends with all these younger guys at work, who are of course, single. My friends tell me it is the whole "single world" mentality. I keep thinking he wanted to be with this other girl and she is EVERYTHING that he HATES! She has a 10th grade education, she's also married and has children, she looks awful, she just has the appearance of someone he wouldn't give the time of day to. I saw her once at his work and she just waved her head off at me like we were best friends. Now I wish I could go back and run her over with my car.
I did drive by the house the other morning, expecting to see his new woman's car there, but it wasn't. But that doesn't mean she wasn't there but he did have all the blinds open in the front of the house (I guess he was worried I'd be driving by like I'm scared he is doing at my moms--but I know he doesn't care). I thought we were on a different page. I'm only 23 and he's 27 and I said we should be going out and having fun and going places and tried to convince him not to have kids right now and he said he wanted us to be a family. I swear not a month ago I said I should just go back on birth control and we wait since I wanted to finish up school and we needed to get our bills straightened out and he said he didn't want to do that. How do you go from thinking that you're moving toward a nice future (fixing your house up, getting your bills all caught up, figuring out what to do now in order to have what you want, trying to have children) to now being alone? That he wanted to go out and party because I know I must have scared him. Yeah, its fun not to have any responsibilities like his single friends but I'm not the one that forced all this on him. It is what he said he wanted. I was just stupid. I trusted him, trusted him completely and now I have nothing.
I just don't want to be here, I just want to die. I don't know why I just don't get it over with, I guess I'm too chicken or I know my life insurance doesn't cover suicides so my parents will be left with the bill of burying their only child. I just don't know what to do and I'm so young and I'm so scared I'll be like these women on the movies who are like 40 something and not married and no children and they are freaking out. I had my home (that I picked out but will be his and his future woman's) that I decorated, that I loved. I thought I had my soul mate, the future father to my children. Now I have to do it all over again?!! And to be scared everyday he's cheating on me or lying to me (since that is no big deal anymore). What if I don't find anyone who likes me for me? Who is ok with me being a decorating freak? I mean I was domestic!!! I cooked, I cleaned, I did laundry, I was a subscriber to Southern Living and Better Homes and Gardens and now I don't even have a home!! I got neat recipes and cooked for him and knew about his family. Now nothing.
I just don't think I can make it because it feels my soul has been ripped out.
This was me not too long ago. We had just bought a house together and he left me and said he was filing for divorce. 8 months went by that I waited for this a******. Back and forth and forth. We just had a baby. He was 5 weeks old when he left us all. Then, during an 'on' time when he wanted a piece of a** I got pregnant with baby #5 all on the way out of a marriage. The house foreclosed. MY house. My dreams. MY hard work to correct his bankruptcy for three years FOR OUR FUTURE. My world had ended. Three older children, a small baby, and #$^% pregnant? Alone. Completely and utterly alone. And now I am left with a bunch of crap that I NEVER signed up for? How can someone have such a strong say over how OUR life, my life, and my children's lives are going to go?
I know EXACTLY what you are saying and EXACTLY what you are feeling. And I know there's not a d*mn thing I can say to make you feel better, either. Dont beat yourself up or blame yourself for your mistakes. He made the choice to stay in the marriage.
Watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Do things for you. Count your blessings that no children became of this so that they will not have to deal with the heartache. Be okay with being alone. Be okay with being without him. Stop driving by the house because then you are a stalker. You have all the information you need now....dont torture yourself by driving by. Cry, sob, scream often. Acknowledge your emotions when they arise. And follow through with the order you have to keep him away from you-that's really important.
I wish there was something I could say or do. I thought my life was truly over. Only now do I realize it is just beginning. I didn't know how I would go on without him, and now I don't know why I wasn't the one leaving HIM. I am finding myself. Knowing myself. Loving myself. Talking to me every morning in the mirror. Taking time for ME, for a change. I have been through heaps of $hit in this life, and divorce was no comparison to any pain I have ever experienced.
Please come here often and vent and update us. I know it helped me tremendously....it still does. Danni is so supportive and so are many of the other gals. Its always great to see when something as traumatic as this happens, the women always come around because we were made strong. I know you are scared and panicking. Face the fear and walk through it. When you come out on the other side, you will be a different person. A little wiser, a little stronger.
Brandie, I am so sorry you're going through this! It's heartbraking when you are dealt this kind of hand. I PROMISE you it will get easier but it is going to be heII going through it. As Hope said, you will look back on this time and wonder why you didn't get out sooner. You'll begin to see the little things that he did that hurt you or made you "less" than you are. Someday, you will even count this as a good thing. But that's down the road. Right now, you need to deal with your pain. I strongly recommend counseling--you'll hear me say that a lot! When we are left to pick up the pieces of a relationship, we often romanticize it. In our minds, it becomes perfect...something to be mourned...something we lost....something valuable. Think back. Just over a year ago, you were ready to leave. Why? What was it about the relationship that was not "enough" back then? Did something change to make it better or did you "settle"? I don't know you or your STBX (soon to be ex) but from the outside looking in, it seems like he told you to stay so that he could find someone else and would not have to be alone. In essense, using you to keep from being alone. Again, I don't know him so don't carve that in stone but it is something to consider. So why push for a child? To feed his ego? To keep up the facade? To punish you? Being a single mom is extremely difficult! Financially without good job skills it is next to impossible unless you either live with family or have room mates. It also makes it hard for you to date because you have to plan for sitters and whatnot. You give up a lot being a single mom..the rewards are more than enough to make up for it but it would limit you and thus, keep you single longer ...meanwhile he goes off with Beth or whoever and has no worries. Just a possibility.
Right now, you're romanticizing. Not saying the marriage wasn't worth saving or that you should "get over it"--not at all! It hurts! But don't build it up in your mind. Focus on what was wrong with him, with the marriage, how you were stiffled, how he went out with his friends and left you at home! Get mad! He left you! He broke his promise to you! He HURT you! You deserve better than that! And as far as you never finding anyone else...RUBBISH! You sound to me like a very intelligent young woman who has a LOT to offer! Spend this time working on you...building your self confidence...gaining skills to succeed in life...furthering your education if possible. What will happen is that you will grow--just like Hope did--and come to realize you are SOOOO much better than what he gave you credit for! And much better than you gave YOURSELF credit for! You will become more self confident and come to value yourself enough that you will never settle for second best again!
I hope you will come here often and post...vent...cry...mourn...and eventually celebrate you! We're here. We have all been there and know what it feels like. Never give up on you...you sound AWESOME to me! You're worth so much more than you have gotten from him and you will soon come to realize this is HIS loss not yours!
Brandie, I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through, because I don't. But I can sympathize with some of it. Consider yourself very lucky that the two of you don't have any children. It would hurt them, it would draw the process out longer, and you would have to continue to have contact with him, and IMO, given the feelings you've expressed to us, that is not what you need.
Like Dani said, use this time to work on you. Trust me, there are plenty of guys out there that would be lucky to have you. I know it hurts now, and it will for awhile, but you can get through this.
We are always here if you need us. I hope you continue to come to us for support. All of the ladies here, especially Hope and Dani, have been awesome. Giving advice when I need it, they've consoled me, sent me good luck wishes, and just plain listened when I needed to get something off my chest.
Just have faith and remember: It WILL get better. It will take time and it will take work and it will be hard, but it will. I promise you that.
You seem as though you have a lot to offer the world and a very lucky guy someday. Try hard to not let this man break you. You can be strong. Do it for yourself, for your future SO, for the children you will have someday.
I won't voice my personal opinion about your STBX, but IMO, you are better off without him. He was wrong to want you to stay so that he could just hurt you back.
Please feel free to come vent, cry, mourn, etc, anytime. We are always here for a friend in need.
Also, I just happened to notice that you live in Alabama. What part?
I was hoping you'd find this board, I took comfort in it 3.5 years ago when my first marriage fell apart and come back every so often to read through the stories and have offered my own to help give hope to some since I've worn the shoes with the broken soul myself.
I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, but right now it might just help to know you have friends and people on your side. You're not alone and certainly have every right to every feeling you are experiencing. I never thought I'd be happy or want to be with another man again. For over a year, I was cruel to men. The crueler I was, the better it made me feel. I toyed with them, I played games with them, I deceived them in every way I could just to get back at my ex husband. Though he never cheated on me, he deceived me by pretending to love me, and pretending to want a child with me just to get sex. It took a long time to realize it but I loved a man for 7 years that didn't love me back and those aha moments like the other girls mentioned will soon start coming fast and often. Where you realize bit by bit that this is real, and you can now put all the past behind you, move on and become an even more amazing person because of your experience.
If there is anything at all that you didn't do for YOU in the past for whatever reason, do them now. I did some silly things, I got a tattoo of Koi fish to symbolize my strength, perseverance and determination that got me through my divorce, I got a new sassy hairdo that was short and funky and had always wanted, but he didn't like short hair... you know, those kinds of things, things that I could never do because they would disappoint him.
Brandie, I know you don't feel this way right now, but you have so much going for you! And I agree that right now, focus on you, who you are, who you want to be, what you want out of life and learn to just be. Unfortunately right now you have to relearn these things without him, but you will come out of this so strong. You will realize how much you're worth, how much you have to offer and you will find peace in knowing that this was NOT your fault! This was his choice, and that if he felt the need to stray, he should have left you first and not cheated. So this is on HIM, you have to know that. I can say that because me and my ex lived as roommates and didn't have sex for a year and not once did I cheat because I was married, I was committed. I also know that if you choose to forgive someone and stay with them, you need to take your time to work through your hurt, but then you have to be honest about whether or not you can truly work through those feelings and move on. Again, if he couldn't work through your actions a year ago, he should have been honest and told you and ended things then, rather than just getting back at you.
You have me on FB... please message me if you ever need to! And if you have free texting, message me and I'll give you my number, my texts are free and unlimited. For now, one second, minute, moment at a time. I wish I could take away all your hurt!
I just wanted to say thank you all so very much. They are some of the best things I have been told in weeks. When I do talk to people, I keep repeating everything over and over again because I don't understand what happened. OMG I'm about to do it again but I won't. It is just everything in my first post. I'm already tired of talking about it, I need to and I feel better (other than just repeating and repeating) but the same thing I retype and resay I just keep rethinking. I can't believe in my mind being married I thought "if I ever get divorced I'm never doing this again, I'm doing it all alone!!!" and now I'm like "OMG what if I never meet someone that will be good to me?!" it has been 3 weeks....I'm insane! I already just want to get to the point of letting go but things haven't even really started. I'm not living alone yet and really won't be because when I leave my parents house I'll be living in their rental property....on the same piece of property lol and I decided to hold off on seeing divorce lawyers because I really want him to so I can get my papers (NOT sign them) but have something to go to MY lawyer with.
Uggghhh and I had to get insurance on my car, never had to do that before because our policy was in HIS name and I went out of town this weekend so I called the insurance office and said he had called that he was going to come in Friday and pay the insurance but never had (it was 4 pm on Friday) and it was canceled not just late. So when I offered to come in and pay she said I couldn't, he would because it would have to be reinstated by the policy holder. Then she said I couldn't insure my car because it was technically under someone else's policy so then I had to tell her all my business...which she did get me a separate police in my name. And I checked online and he hasn't paid the mortgage (not in my name so I don't really care) but I just want him to lose it! But his family is loaded so I know not only will he run to them to get the thousands for the lawyers but he will just run to them again and get money to save his house (even though they've done it twice already).
I'm already getting some of those aha moments (like him being awful with bills and me always finding a way to get them paid but now I have nothing because they were in "his" name but I was the one making all the effort). We use to have things cut off and we'd have money in the bank!!! He just would NOT go pay them and wouldn't even do it over the phone because he was always "too busy" because work came first (family business---which I was not a part of) but I knew that already (even though it was a constant argument). I just want to be able to let go and be able to figure out what I want to do and not be so **** scared but I hope it will come in time. I know that no matter what I feel like now, when I get those first papers from the attorney, I'm going to fall a part all over again so I guess I just enjoy the moments when I'm not crying right now.
I want to go back to school, maybe, hopefully in the fall but that is a worry because I have a two week repeating schedule instead of a one week one so I can't go to on campus classes (because on campus classes have the same schedule every week) so I was considering online but I'll have to go to another university which means that probably a vast majority of my credits won't transfer and I only have 6 classes left until I get my bach. degree but I have to pay about $1000 of old tuition (they messed up my tuition plan, I knew the last semester I went that would be the last semester I had in my fund and they said that semester was covered so I was going to save for the next semester during that semester. Well....guess what. That semester wasn't covered and I had not saved any other money and didn't qualify for several loans because I was married and we made so much money...because they don't figure in your bills LOL so my plans got ruined so I just got a full time job because I had hoped with the extra money I would pay off my tuition and start to save for future tuition....that was over a year ago that I stopped going). But now I just have this uncertainty. I was in a "secure" place, I was thinking about starting a family and we had already picked out my "mommy" car SUV and I loved to cook and decorate for the holidays and looked up recipies and now it is all changed. Now I am hanging out with people my age and all they do is go to bars and party and it all seems so fast paced for me. Of course my husband was never the party type, he hated bars (his mom became a bar hopper after his mom and dad's divorce) but I always tried to get him to go out but he was always kind of a "loner" but oh boy, now that he has his new group of friends and his new woman it is a different story.
God it just all kills me!!! I just don't understand! I'm going to have to keep re-reading what you wonderful ladies have said because now I'm thinking the same thing: she must be like Snow White because she isn't very attractive and she isn't educated and he picked her up on a trashy street (don't mean to judge her but it is all the things that he was always so "above") and I keep thinking he's going to move her into my house, the one I picked out and decorated and I'm worried she's pregnant and my mom tries to remind me that it probably isn't the case but who the hell knows. I keep thinking crazy stuff like what if he wasn't hanging out with his friends as well that night even though their cars were outside I'm like....what if his friend went to the woman's house and let her use their car and he went there for her to follow him and maybe that wasn't his friends house I think it was but there is an address on facebook for that street under his friend's profile and he hasn't updated the information in like...forever..
God I drive myself crazy. Thank you so much for the welcome and thank you, thank you, thank you for offering me a place to come and vent I hate being a complainer but to feel I have a "safe" place to complain is actually pretty comforting.
Brandie, you're still very raw from all of this so you are going to need some healing time before those thoughts begin to dwindle...but they WILL dwindle! As for her, if she is so unlike him then there is very little chance for them. Contrary to the old addage that "opposites attract" when you're from two sides of the track, it's usually a pretty good indication that you're not going to have much in common. There may be a sensation of "getting away with something" or danger but that wears thin quickly when there is nothing to talk about. Right now it sounds like he's becoming a rebelious teenager (regardless of his age) and doing all the things "mommy and daddy" would not approve of. That's a pretty lonely life when you're not a teenager anymore...
You talk about repeating things...that's me. That's most women. Whem a man has a problem, he goes inside his head, thinks about the possible solutions, figures out the one he wants to use and then applies it. Done deal. When a woman has a problem, she talks to her women friends about all the possible solutions, possible outcomes of those solutions, possible side efects of the solutions, how things could go wrong, best case/worst case scenarios, gets all their input and chooses the one solution that sounds best to her and the majority of her support system. That's where you are right now. Talking to your support system. You'll decide the best course of action for you to take and then you will take it (regarding school, finances, the divorce, your future, etc) You have a lot on your plate. It's going to take time. There will be times when you feel like you can't possibly take any more and you just want to curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of your life. Then there will be times when you feel relief that you're not hampered by someone like him who obviously doesn't have what you need and was keeping you from reaching your full potential. Most times you'll be somewhere in the middle. Then one day, you will suddenly realize you went all day without giving him more than a passing thought. That's when you will really understand that you're going to be just fine. And someday, someone else will come along and sweep you off your feet and you will realize that there was someone better for you, waiting for you to find him.
Last edited by Blondzilla; February 16th, 2010 at 06:37 AM.
oh brandi! Im so sorry your going through this I also was in your shoes I'm now 22 almost 23 and going on my 1 year mark of my divorce. I thought I married my soul mate. He too suggested we try to have a baby at the ripe age of 19 and 20. What we were thinking I dont know we had already split 2 times before were were even married ( we got married 2 days before my 20th bday was trying for a year before that). In May of last year he came to me and said he didnt know if he wanted to married anymore. After 3 days he begged me to come back. I found out a year and 10 months into our marriage (right after I left him) that he was having an affair with a co-worker for the last 7 months AND was supposed to be a lesbian. I found out by finding pics of his d*ck on my phone (he had most of the time) to her phone and a pic of them kissing and the title saying "i love you". I was shocked and heartbroken. I admit that I had cheated on him ONCE when we were still in h.s. and in our first month of dating. But to cheat and have an ongoing affair while we were married. I, like you, knew many of his coworkers and were what I thought were friends of mine too knew. One of which I had perosnally known since I was 15 (he was also the b*tch's best friend so of course he isn't going to tell me). I filed for divorce in Nov of last year (left him in sept) he was fair and paid for half all the while calling me a wh*re, b*tch, sl*t, etc. Then his new gf gets pg in jan (our divorce was final Jan 19th) with twin boys which she later on m/s at 3 months Secretly I was happy that it happened they could feel the pain that I felt when I found out about them. Me and him ttc our own child for 2 years prior with no luck even with 3 months of clomid. Again also like you I would drive by (I work about 20 blocks from where we lived) and look for her car and really seriously thought about doing some to her vehicle but no matter how much I hated her and him it wasnt worth it to risk being put in jail and having that on my record. Never think that something is wrong with you. He is the dumb@ss that left you. I know its hard to pick up and move on but you can do it. There were times I felt like I was going to die. I cried countless nights and sometimes even break down at work. It was rough...one of the toughest things I've ever went through. BUt I promise you do learn to move on and realize that there is someone out there that loves you for you and excepts your flaws and everything.