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dh is out of my life for good. :( sorry kind of long


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
February 25th, 2010, 09:41 AM
Lindsjean's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: St Louis
Posts: 121
Hi ladies,

I just found the divorce/separation boards thanks to a fellow ttcer on the "am I pregnant" board. Here is the cliff notes version of me. I am 26 years old, dh is 37, and I have one son who is 7. I had my son from a previous relationship but dh has been around since my son was 1.

Anyways DH and I have been together for about 7 years. However we spit up a couple of times. The last breakup he told me never to contact him again. I was hurt, but I honored his wishes. For months I didn't contact him and then out of the blue I got a call on my cell (from a number I didn't recongize) and it was him...in a nutshell wanting to work things out.

I love/loved him a lot and really wanted it to work. Over all he is a good guy. He is an amazing scientist, loving father, he goes to all my docs appts w/ me, shops for baby stuff, orders baby stuff with out me know and will suprise me w/ it, (before we broke up the first time we were ttc and got pregnant 9 times but all of them ended. We had two ectopics (one rupture) and the rest were miscarriages. Since we got back together we decided to try again). anyways he texts me silly things during the day, he will call just to say "hi" while he's at work, etc....however over the past few months we have been back together he hasn't wanted to go out on dates or hang be around me apart from being in the bedroom. I thought I should just give him his space, b/c when we broke up before he said that I wouldn't relax and trust.

So this time, I "relaxed and trusted" but unfortunately that didn't work out in my favor. He just informed me that he is taking a holiday w/ another girl. What a hell of a way to start your day! Because I didn't want to hear anymore I stopped talking and plugged my ears

It hurts sooo much, but oddly enough I haven't cried yet. I guess I am used to him leaving and this time I don't want to look back.

As for ttc...I am in my 2ww. I am somewhere around 6dpo. I am having af symptoms though. About a week before af I get a backache, breast/nipple tenderness, and mild/dull cramps I am having all of these. So we will see. I suppose it would be a good thing if I weren't pregnant b/c dh isn't going to be around....

thanks for listening

Lindsey
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  #2  
February 25th, 2010, 11:25 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Awe, Im sorry! That's a whole heck of lot of losses and now him. Was the TTC getting to him or what?

HUGS! Come here and cry and vent and update often! It's tough.
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  #3  
February 26th, 2010, 05:57 AM
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Wow. That is terrible! I'm so sorry you're going through that. Like you, I had many miscarriages so I know the heartache involved. And to have your husband inform you that he is going on vacation with someone else? What a horrible thing to do to you! Does this girl know he is married? Shame on them both.
Your DH seems to have some serious issues with commitment--which could explain the issues when you're ttc. After all, a child is a lifelong commitment. I also know how stressful infertility can be. I think right now you need to ask yourself if this is what you think YOU deserve. (Personally, I think you deserve MUCH better than what you've been getting) You need to determine what you want in a marriage and then lay down the law with him (or the next man) and say "Look, I'm a valuable person and I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I demand honesty and commitment and if you're unwilling or unable to give me that, then you need to move on down the road!" and then follow through with that. The last part is the most difficult to do. You need to let him know if he is with you, he isn't with anyone else--not for an evening, an afternoon, a long weekend or anything else. Just YOU! He also needs to talk about what he is feeling. You can work through just about anything but if you don't know what you're working on, how will you know when/if it's fixed? He's being very unfair to you by expecting you to just drop whatever you're doing and come back when he's done playing around. Don't you think you're worth more than that? I certainly do!
The other thing is, for right now I strongly recommend you put the TTC on hold. You need to know he is going to be there and you do NOT want to be a divorced mother sharing custody and going after child support and trying to arrange time on the holidays for sharing the baby/child. Read over some of the posts on this board to find out exactly how heartbreaking it can be to deal with a divorce where there are children involved. Your son isn't his so you would have a LOT more say in any visitations but a child who is biologically his will spend weekends and some holidays with his or her father...Don't take that on if you don't have to. It's not fun. Let him kno wthat until you know he is going to be around, you're not going to try for another baby. I also strongly recommend counseling for both of you--as a couple and also singly. You need to work on your self esteem and he needs to work on his commitment issues. (I'm not throwing stones--I was in therapy for 5 years. best thing I ever did for myself) You're a beautiful, young, professional woman. You have GOT to start seeing yourself as a valuable person who deserves to be treated right! If nothing else, remember that you and your DH (or any other man who may come into your life) are role models for your son. He is learning what to expect from a wife and how HE should act as a husband. And no matter what you are telling him, he knows MORE! Right now, he is learning that men do what they want and women take them back. Men walk all over women and that's ok...it's expected. Women are LESS THAN men. You don't seem to me to be the kind of person who buys into that kind of garbage...do you really want your son to think that way?
Anyway, I hope you weren't offended by anything I said. I did NOT mean to hurt you or demean you in any way. I just want you to see how valuable you are and hopefully help you to stop your DH from continuing to treat you like a second class citizen.
HUGS!
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  #4  
February 26th, 2010, 03:29 PM
Lindsjean's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: St Louis
Posts: 121
Thanks ladies for replying! I really appreciate the support!

hopenot4gotten and Blondzilla: I don't think the ttc was getting to him. I just thinks he likes to have his cake and eat it too. I have caught him cheating on me before and "let it slide". BIG MISTAKE!

When I wanted him to go to counseling w/ me he refused. He said he doesn't "need someone else telling him what to do". I really don't know what he was talking about, he just wanted to get out of it....He has major control issues! However I went on my own and after he left me the first time I became okay. I didn't see him and anything I needed to communicate it was via certified letter. (basically b/c he asked me not to personally contact him. So all of our business was being taken care of through the mail)...and I was okay. It was hard at first, but I got through it. THEN one day he called from a number that I didn't know and I answered the phone. ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE! That was months ago and that's when we started seeing each other again. However we didn't move back in together. He is living on his own and would only come over to have sex or something of that nature. When I would want to talk about what we were working on, he would get upset and tell me that I need to relax and let things happen naturally.

Today I feel really silly! I met up with my sister and some friends to talk and reminded myself of all the crap that has went on. How/Why in the heck did I put up with it for all those years!?!?!?

Blondzilla you didn't hurt my feelings. I like that you expressed what you thought. If I was thinking rationally I wouldn't be in the position I am in.


Anyways about ttc I don't know if I am pregnant or not. I am around 7dpo so....we shall see. To be honest I am not sure if I want to be pregnant or not, but whatever happens I will embrace it.

As for DH. He is no longer going to be my dh. I am done with him and all his bull. It is time to throw in the towel of our relationship. And to be quite honest, I don't even flippen care anymore. It is now about myself, my son, (and if I am preg) the baby.

about **** time!
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  #5  
February 27th, 2010, 06:21 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Ohhh I knew you were smart! Good for you! I love this strong person inside you! Sometimes we need to make mistakes to reassure ourselves that we were right in the first place. I did the same thing once with a boyfriend who cheated on me. I gave him a second chance. I now have a standing rule that there are no second chances for lying, cheating or abuse. End of story!
You're going to be fine. When you meet the guy who will knock you off your feet, and you WILL meet someone, you will look back on this as a blessing. The next guy will treat you like a queen and cherish the time you spend together instead of making it a booty call. He'll listen and talk and make you the center of his world and you will go to bed every night whispering three little words that you mean from the bottom of your heart: THANK YOU, GOD!
...that's what I do!
HUGS!
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  #6  
March 2nd, 2010, 10:47 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Wow, you're a tough cookie. I am not sure I would be able to endure what you have gone through thus far. I am so sorry for your losses w/ miscarrying. How devastating.

On the note of your DH, him leaving, coming back, leaving again, coming back & then announcing that he's going to LEAVE again to go on a VACA w/ another girl. WTH? Sorry but he is using your emotions like a punching bag. I am in no position to discuss what a perfect marriage is, God knows mine is NOT one, but if my DH was leaving & then announced what your DH said about going on a vacation w/ another girl, sorry, that would be "it" for me. He does what he does, because he can. He knows that you love him, he sees that you will take him back, gives you reasons why you need to improve YOU so that your marriage can work, but what about him? Sure, he's smart, works hard, buys things, but there has got to be something he's not doing right. He wants to relax & be left alone, what is that all about? So he can meet another chick & take her on a vacation?

Honey, I do not know you from a hole in a wall, and as I said, my marriage is SOOOOO not perfect. However, this man, your husband, is taking advantage of your kind heart, the love you have for him & your dedication. It's time to let him know that you deserve better, and you will no longer settle for the B.S. he's dished out.

Okay, again, I am not perfect & I don't want you to think I am a Ms. Know-It-All or have all the answers but from your sacrifices to your troubles, he should be helpful, not leaving every time things get hard. This is life, marriage, you don't get up & walk out the door when things aren't perfect, if that were the case, no one would be married. Life is hard, and if he can't handle life, then he is better off as your ex-husband. You deserve a man who is going to be there & not leave over & over again & then announce that B.S. to you. How horrible, heartbreaking , I am so sorry that you are going through this.



(((HUGS)))


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  #7  
March 2nd, 2010, 11:24 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Well I missed your last post...update? Anything new?
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