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He expects quiet & we have 4 boys...


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
March 8th, 2010, 09:10 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
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So as you know, children can be loud, especially a 3, 2, 9 & 12 year old(s)...all boys. They are loud, in fact, sometimes I truly want to scream b/c it's so loud. I've learned (over the years) to tune a lot of the playing out, it's just something I can do. I know when someone has been truly hurt & I know the difference in cries, but if I stopped & did something every single time I heard a peep or scream, I'd never get anything done.

My DH, doesn't know how to handle the kids. He expects for them to be quiet & watch all these shows like Family Guy, Roger Rabbit & The Simpsons (these are small toddlers!) ...

What gets me is that he doesn't understand why the kids will listen to me but not him. I've tried to show him & explain that it's b/c I am consistent. If I tell my child that they cannot do something & they do it anyways, there are consequences. My toddlers just have to hear me say "1.....and the second I get to 2....." the kids (which ever one is being asked to stop or come to see me) will say "okay, okay...." and they follow the rules. My DH, does not do that. He caves every-time the kids cry or pout & then when he decides to put his foot down (which is rare), he doesn't understand why the kids are not willing to listen to him or why the kids seem upset. I've tried to say that you need to warn or give kids reminders, not expectations at the smaller ages particularly. I feel bad for the boys too b/c they'll just look at me like "why did daddy get so angry?" when it's simple, but they don't see it that way. He caves for everything but when he decides to have a spine w/ them, he gets really mad & then screams & scares the kids. My kids don't fear me, what they do fear, is having things taken away from them, consequences. Totally different.

Am I a perfect parent? Heck no! I'm far from it, but... I am consistent, my kids know what to expect when they do "A" or "B"...they understand the results, whether it be positive or negative from me. Either way, they don't have to guess or wonder, they don't test me b/c they already know what the answers are.

I feel like I am the only parent in the house & I hate being viewed as the "bad-cop" for everything. I am the one that does doc apts., which involves shots, I am the one that insists on medicines, or veggies, I am the one that says no to candy & ice cream, I hate being the bad parent. I know that logically I have to behave this way & that my kids need & thrive on this structure, but at the same time, it's hard as a parent to be viewed as the "mean" one...

Has your parenting styles caused you to wonder if you were/are a match for marriage?
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  #2  
March 8th, 2010, 09:55 AM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,546
Your dh sounds a lot like my ex. What I would do, and still do is tell them "I love you, and that's why we have this rule, or you get this vaccination or (fill in whatever it is here). I'm not doing it to be a mean Mommy, I'm doing it because I love you."
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  #3  
March 8th, 2010, 11:09 AM
stardusthealer's Avatar Super Mommy
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Sounds like me ex too.
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  1. Mom to Arielle13,Tyler 10.5, Dylan 8.5 and Autumn Rayne 21mths and Step dd Nevaeh 3

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  #4  
March 9th, 2010, 05:10 AM
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Chantelle, my ex and I were exactly like that. He wanted completely quiet little robotic children with combed hair and designer clothes who got straight A's and said "Yes sir" instead of "yeah" or worse yet, "WHY?" I've had it pointed out to me how different we interacted as a family when he was around versus when he was out of town. Surprisingly, the house was quieter--no crying children due to being hit or screamed at...less fighting because less tension...etc. I don't know what th3e answer is. I never figured it out. I would explain it to him, tell him one day he is going to alienate the kids completely (to which he'd say "GOOD! Maybe I can get some sleep then!"...sleep away, idiot) I wish I had some advice...I just know how hard it is to deal with that.
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  #5  
March 9th, 2010, 12:41 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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It's almost like the children are expected to be these "trophies"...not sure if that is a great word to use but I can't figure out another way. He expects "yes sir" and "yes m'am" as well... he does the whole military approach in punishments, push-ups etc. I don't understand the whole approach at all. Some people aren't meant to be military, as my DH is a USMC, but that's him, his father, grandfather & uncle, they are all USMC's & that's honorable & great for them, but not everyone wants to be a Marine. I have respect for the military, I have respect for what my husband has done for this country, serving us, but I don't believe that military is for everyone, just like college isn't for everyone. Everyone is built/hard-wired a different way & to expect the same behavior from all is just unrealistic.
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