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So STBX just might be a daddy after all


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
April 5th, 2010, 10:29 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Last edited by Brandielou; April 18th, 2010 at 09:55 PM.
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  #2  
April 5th, 2010, 10:59 AM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
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Brandie, have you had a chance to see about therapy? I know that the situation is not easy in the least, but you are letting it eat you alive.
You need to delete people from facebook that are a part of his life, your old life, and give yourself a chance to heal.

I gave 14 years of my life, and 4 children into a marriage that was thrown away because my ex decided that he wanted a 'do over' with a child 17 years younger than him; he completely ignore his children as much as possible to have kids with her, he shirked all emotional, physical and financial responsibilities for a new life that did not include his first children.
Even when his soon to be new wife beat our youngest child with the hard plastic tubing from a vacuum hose causing severe bruising and welts - with her being charged and sentenced with Assault with a weapon, he remained with her proclaiming her innocence and blaming his 4 children for lying.

I can't even begin to go into the terrible things he did or said, but if I can make it through, and make it past the horrors, so can you.

You're stronger than you think.
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  #3  
April 5th, 2010, 06:55 PM
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Listen to KrazE. You ARE stronger than you think and I PROMISE you that someday, if you allow yourself the opportunity to heal and move on, you will find someone that is so much better than ANYTHING he could have come close to that you will look at yourself and say "What the heII was I thinking????" I PROMISE! But you have to heal and that means doing just what KrazE says--delete them all from your myspace--delete your myspace if you have to and DO NOT FOLLOW HIS LIFE! He is not worth the pain you're going through hon. He is a lying, cheating Bas****! He HURT you deeply and he doesn't deserve to be a part of your life anymore because of that! I also promise you that he will get his! He will be paid back in SPADES! One day, and you may not know it when it happens, he will be devastated by someone he loves...this woman...the next (cause we know she isn't the last one he'll do this to...once a cheater always a cheater--TRUST ME ON THIS!!!...someday he will be hurt and he'll ask himself why. And your name will be on his mind because he KNOWS what he did was wrong.
I think it would help you tremendously to talk to someone. Maybe for the time being, get on some antidepressants--just until you're not feeling so raw. Stay busy. Don't give yourself time to think but do give yourself time to heal. Vent here whenever you feel the need to--you will always find a sympathetic ear and some encouraging words here. We'll do whatever we can to help you through this but don't torture yourself, hon. He's not worth it.
HUGS!
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  #4  
April 6th, 2010, 05:34 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Last edited by Brandielou; April 18th, 2010 at 09:56 PM.
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  #5  
April 6th, 2010, 06:14 AM
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Don't be silly! NO ONE deserves to be treasted like that and NO ONE is perfect! I certainly wasn't the perfect wife. Nor were any of the other women on the board. WE ARE ALL HUMAN! Everyone makes mistakes--gets too tired or distracted to have sex, doesn't cook the best meals every night, snaps at him for something small. We ALL have done those things and others. That doesn't mean we deserve to be cheated on and left! I don't care how bad a wife you were you do NOT deserve this! Stop blaming yourself--YOU weren't the one who cheated and left! HE is to blame for that 100%!!! It was HIS choice. If he wasn't happy in the marriage he OWED it to you to try to make things better and if that didn't work THEN leave. You don't string someone along and pretend to be working on things while you're cheating with someone else. It's like he's so afraid to be alone he has to have the next one lined up before he can give up what he has. Stop making yourself responsible for his bad decisions-you don't have that power. He alone controls how he acts and what he does and HE chose to do this. You are ONLY responsible for how you deal with the situation you are in. You have a choice. You can become the victim or you can become the sirvivor. The victim gives up complete responsibility and stops trying to have a good life. The survivor learns from the experience, grows and moves on. The victim is crippled by bad things--the survivor learns from them. Trying to place the blame at YOUR feet for someone else's actions is victim mode. "This will happen to me again because I am so unlovable and unworthy". HOGWASH! I see a lot of people on here trying to support you and pouring out loving thoughts and wishes. They care so I KNOW you're not unlovable or unworthy. Lean on them for support and they will help you survive this. It won't be easy but in the end, it WILL be worth it because you will GROW and become even better than you are now. Get a good therapist to help you. Work on YOU during this time so that when the time comes and someone else comes along, you will know whether THEY are worthy of YOU--not the other way around. Then you'll be able to say "Yes, you are the kind of man I deserve" or "No, sorry. I deserve better".
So stop blaming yourself for his actions and start realising that you deserved better than him.
HUGS!!!
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  #6  
April 6th, 2010, 11:29 AM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
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It seems to me that you blame yourself because he's convinced you that it's your fault - it's always that you didn't do this, or that, or that you did this, or that.
You didn't clean this enough, you didn't try harder, you didn't wash that one stupid dish that was sitting on the counter so now you're less than perfect.
You cooked a good meal but....

It's always something with men like that, they are abusive personalities and their only joy in life is talking down to the female in their life, making them feel as though they cannot do anything right until it tears down all their will power, their self-esteem, their ability to remember the person they once were.

There isn't one person in this world who is perfect, none, zero; it's an expectation that you can't live up to, so stop trying.

You are you, and you try your best but he still kicks you when you're down. This revelation means that you are better than him, that you deserve better than he ever gave you, and better than he ever could give you - he's the one who screwed up something that could have been the best thing in his life, and now you get to move on and give him the double finger, he lost, you win.
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  #7  
April 6th, 2010, 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondzilla View Post
Don't be silly! NO ONE deserves to be treasted like that and NO ONE is perfect! I certainly wasn't the perfect wife. Nor were any of the other women on the board. WE ARE ALL HUMAN! Everyone makes mistakes--gets too tired or distracted to have sex, doesn't cook the best meals every night, snaps at him for something small. We ALL have done those things and others. That doesn't mean we deserve to be cheated on and left! I don't care how bad a wife you were you do NOT deserve this! Stop blaming yourself--YOU weren't the one who cheated and left! HE is to blame for that 100%!!! It was HIS choice. If he wasn't happy in the marriage he OWED it to you to try to make things better and if that didn't work THEN leave. You don't string someone along and pretend to be working on things while you're cheating with someone else. It's like he's so afraid to be alone he has to have the next one lined up before he can give up what he has. Stop making yourself responsible for his bad decisions-you don't have that power. He alone controls how he acts and what he does and HE chose to do this. You are ONLY responsible for how you deal with the situation you are in. You have a choice. You can become the victim or you can become the sirvivor. The victim gives up complete responsibility and stops trying to have a good life. The survivor learns from the experience, grows and moves on. The victim is crippled by bad things--the survivor learns from them. Trying to place the blame at YOUR feet for someone else's actions is victim mode. "This will happen to me again because I am so unlovable and unworthy". HOGWASH! I see a lot of people on here trying to support you and pouring out loving thoughts and wishes. They care so I KNOW you're not unlovable or unworthy. Lean on them for support and they will help you survive this. It won't be easy but in the end, it WILL be worth it because you will GROW and become even better than you are now. Get a good therapist to help you. Work on YOU during this time so that when the time comes and someone else comes along, you will know whether THEY are worthy of YOU--not the other way around. Then you'll be able to say "Yes, you are the kind of man I deserve" or "No, sorry. I deserve better".
So stop blaming yourself for his actions and start realising that you deserved better than him.
HUGS!!!


Dont give him this power over you! It's exhausting. Devastating. And completely time consuming.

I totally understand the burn you feel. And even worse, the TTC, and no children...and now? Whether its his or not, it hurts like he//, but there is NOTHING you can do. You think you cant go on...cant breathe...cant live-its hurts so bad. Until you learn that you are breathing easier WITHOUT him. That you didnt need him. And find yourself again.

My ex's myspace and facebook said single while we were married! I stopped looking...it wasnt doing anything productive, but making me feel like complete $hit. Waste of time.

Start doing something you want to do....I went to school... You will stay busy, for sure. Go get some counseling...it may serve you well. I know it helped me tremendously.

And if it makes you feel better, I've heard of studies done that when jumping out of a marriage and hopping into another relationship within 6-12 months of the divorce, it fails anyway.....I dont know the credibility of it, but that thought might help you move forward while you are mad and hurt. Not very nice, I know, but I remember the intense emotions, and if it works to help move on and NOT do anything stupid, do it.

Trust me when I tell you that this wont hurt like this forever! Soon enough, it wont even matter. And he can play house or whatever, and it wont bother you because you will have all your issues worked out from this and meet someone wonderful!!!

I have truly been where you are for the most part. But from another perspective as far as children go, I think it's truly a blessing in disguise that you didnt have children with this man. They would have pain, along with your own, and its tough.....
Probably another case of 'the grass is greener on the other side...'

My point is to count your blessings or the things that are positive in your life when you are at this point. Surely you can find a few.

HUGS!!!!!!!!
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  #8  
April 10th, 2010, 12:41 AM
4wildflowers's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
It seems to me that you blame yourself because he's convinced you that it's your fault - it's always that you didn't do this, or that, or that you did this, or that.
You didn't clean this enough, you didn't try harder, you didn't wash that one stupid dish that was sitting on the counter so now you're less than perfect.
You cooked a good meal but....

It's always something with men like that, they are abusive personalities and their only joy in life is talking down to the female in their life, making them feel as though they cannot do anything right until it tears down all their will power, their self-esteem, their ability to remember the person they once were.
Agree!

Noone should be treated that way. I hope you can soon realize that you don't deserve what he did to you. He's a disgusting pig. What he did to you, he'll soon be doing to her (if he isn't already).

Quote:
Trust me when I tell you that this wont hurt like this forever! Soon enough, it wont even matter. And he can play house or whatever, and it wont bother you because you will have all your issues worked out from this and meet someone wonderful!!!
Exactly....
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