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  #1  
April 11th, 2010, 09:01 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
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I've been here before, in the trying to work things out subforum. My husband had committed online infidelity in the summer of 2008. We decided to work things out and were doing well. But sometimes a relationship or marriage can only go so far. In February, I filed for divorce. I had been back on anti-depressants for 2 months at that point and had decided I had enough. My husband had started threatening to leave me again in December. I was devastated that it was happening again. I wanted to convince him to stay. We worked on things and were giving it yet another shot. But by the end of January, I had had enough. He still wasn't sure if we should stay together. I was tired of being a maybe. So I filed. Well, I prepared the papers and he took them to court to file for me. It is a very amicable divorce. We agree on everything. I even suggested to him that I would be willing to keep him and his daughter on my health insurance through the end of the year, as long as he paid for it.

I began online dating again. I met a wonderful man. Although I still have some feelings for my husband, dating has made me realize just how little I had settled for. He was not capable or willing to be the emotional support that I needed. He would allow me to do everything for him and give me so little in return. He is a decent man, but not for a marriage....not for me. Our divorce will be final in 9 days. Part of me wants to cry. It's hard to say ex-husband or that I am divorced. I never thought I would be here. I had married forever. But forever as we were is so much less than I deserve.

Just a short period of dating and I am reminded of how nice it is to be cared for...as I am. I had gained weight during our marriage and I never felt good enough for him. Well, the man I am dating wants me as I am. So to lose weight would just be a bonus for him. I am overweight, yet my bf says that I am average and normal. I feel beautiful. I AM beautiful. I haven't felt pretty when with my husband for a long time. I wish he were the man I had dated. If he was, we would not be here. I would not divorce that man. But somewhere along the way, he has convinced himself that he is not capable of being that man.

Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel angry. And sometimes I feel blessed to have another chance at life. I have moved into my own apartment for the first time in my life. It is nice to know that I can support myself. I can be alone and ok. Funny thing is, my husband was laid off and will be coming home off the road shortly. He has no place to stay...so I offered that he could stay with me. We are still friends, and I know that if the position were reversed, he would do the same for me. It will be awkward, but I want him safe.

I am still angry at him in one main regard. I always thought I would have a family by now. I am grateful that there are no children between us in this mess, but I always thought I would have been a mom by now. I truly think I was born to be a mother. Yet he denied me that. Almost 2 years ago, as we were trying to work things out, I told him that if he wasn't prepared to have children with me, then he should walk away. Family was a dealbreaker for me. He stayed. But I don't believe he has ever intended to have children with me. And I am angry with him about that. He wasted 2 years of my life. He should have walked away then. Now I am 2 years older and no closer to having a family. I wanted to be done with children by 30. I wanted my 3 children by 30. I will be 27 in May and I feel like I won't even be in a position with someone to start a family until I am 30. This upsets me. After several miscarriages, it is obviously not going to be easy for me to conceive. Add to that getting older, and I feel like my chances of having a family are slipping away. I hate him for that. I do.

I am grateful for my boyfriend. He is wonderful. We are very similar and want similar things in life. He is financially responsible, which is a huge change from what I have had with my husband. BF has goals for his life. He wants to wait for a family for a short while in order to be in a better position to fully provide for his family.

SO I guess the moral of the story is don't settle for less than you deserve because you fear being alone. Someone else is truly out there. I guess I need to practice saying ex-husband some more.
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  #2  
April 12th, 2010, 06:54 AM
Mom2LillieAidan's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,684
Well, I'm very very happy that you're finally in a good place. I was reading through your posts in Trying to Work Things Out yesterday and I can't imagine going through that. You are one strong woman.

I know exactly what you mean about settling for less than we deserve. I married my STBX because I was pregnant and I thought he was the only person who would love me. Boy was I wrong. In any case. Stay strong.
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  #3  
April 12th, 2010, 07:36 AM
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SARA!!!OMG! I am so sorry things didn't work out but glad that you see your value and that you're worth so much more than what you were getting. As for those "wasted years" don't think of them that way. Think of them as growing years because you did some SERIOUS growing! You would not have seen yourself this way two years ago. You gave it your best shot and unfortunately, it didn't work out. Now you DO have a chance at a new life! You deserve to be told how beautiful you are and to be loved and cared for. I'm so glad you found someone who could show you that! And someday when the time is right, those babies will come and it will be more wonderful than you ever imagined!
It's good to see you again. I hope you'll stick around and help some of our ladies who are struggling with this. You're every bit the inspiration you were before.
HUGS!!!!
Dani
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  #4  
April 12th, 2010, 10:52 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Awe....just wanted to jump in and say.....Babies can be conceived well into a woman's mid 40's or later! I know, I know....you wanted to be done having kids by 30, but really....sometimes things dont work out according to our timing or our plans...IT TURNS OUT BETTER THAN WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED LATER!

HUGS!
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  #5  
April 19th, 2010, 08:16 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
D-day is tomorrow. I thought I was ready for this day, but I'm not. My stomach is in knots and I cry at the drop of a dime. It's hard to admit that this is truly over. It's hard to have someone sign a paper that ends your life together. It's hard to know that he made his choice...and it wasn't me.

I try to remember the good times but it only makes me cry more. I try to remember that I deserve more and it's a good thing, but I still cry. I am fortunate to have a man in my life now that sits next to me as I type up the final divorce decree and types up an email saying he will be my strength for me this week. I'm off to go sit with him and try to get my mind off my divorce, which is final tomorrow. FINAL.
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  #6  
April 20th, 2010, 06:16 AM
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Location: Texas
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I cannot stop crying. I cried all night. How am I supposed to stand in front of a judge and say it's over when I'm balling my eyes out because I don't want it to be over. I kept my wits the past 2 months by telling myself that if we get our s**t together in the future, we can always reunite...but now it doesn't help any. I don't want this to be final. My heart is breaking into a million pieces.
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  #7  
April 20th, 2010, 07:01 AM
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Sara I know what you're saying and how you're feeling. No matter how "ready" you think you are for it, it's never easy. I'd love to tell you that once it's over you'll feel better but that usually isn't the case. You're not only mourning the marriage, you're mourning all the dreams you shared and saying goodbye to those is hard! It's going to take some time for you to feel better--and no one can predict how much time. For some it's immediate...for others it takes days, weeks, months. Keep focusing on you and your needs and it will come.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. HUGS!!!!
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  #8  
April 20th, 2010, 07:45 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,124
I'm sorry it came to this. But it sounds like you are on a path to a better life.

More often than not, life doesn't work out the way we plan it. What is that saying? "People plan, God laughs". That doesn't mean it will be bad.

The propaganda that's out there about older mom's having trouble is a lot of hewy in my experience. All of my friends had their kids in their mid to late 30's without trouble. My 1 friend that did have trouble had that trouble when she was 24 but she did IVF and has 2 boys.

I had my 1st dd at 36. She was conceived through IVF because I had trouble getting pregnant with my ex. But low & behold once I got a knew guy, I got pregnant naturally at 39.

I have 2 completely healthy, happy, intelligent kids. And they keep me young. I see women my age who have kids in high school - even college. A few are grandmothers I can't imagine. Anyway, they seem 20 years older than me. Kids keep you young.
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My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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  #9  
April 20th, 2010, 09:44 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
I feel so bad, but I don't like the man in my life right now. Everything he does annoys me. I thought he would be a good distraction right now, but I don't even want him to touch me. I want my now ex husband. I want HIM to be the one holding me. How screwed up am I? I think I need to break up with the bf, but I truly don't want to hurt him.

I want my heart to stop breaking. I don't know how I will function at work tomorrow.
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  #10  
April 21st, 2010, 07:37 AM
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Sara give it time. Right now you're not ready to be in a relationship anyway. Tell him that. Tell him you need time to just heal. If he's as nice as you think he is, he'll understand. If he doesn't, he isn't that nice and you should get rid of him anyway, Either way, just tell him. Dragging it out just hurts him and confuses him. He'll be wondering what he did wrong. Let him know that it isn't him, you just aren't ready.
As far as your ex goes, it's normal to want what we know. It's scary when you're on your own and unsure as to whether or not things will work out the way you want them to and if you'll have your dreams. You will, sweetie. Trust me. For right now, just heal. Focus on you and making yourself into the person you want to be. The best SARA that can be. Do things you've always wanted to do and just heal. When you least expect it, things will suddenly fall into place.
I'm here if you ever need to talk.
HUGS!!!
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  #11  
April 26th, 2010, 05:09 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
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My heart still breaks. The ex is staying with me while he gets on his feet again. He smiles at me like he always has. His eyes still light up. He goes from being normal with me, like we were still married, to very distant. I just want the fantasy. I want to wake up one day to him saying he wants to go to counseling and work things out. I want him to realize how much he needs me in his life. I want the happily ever after with him. I want him to be the man that I dated again. I want HIM.

It's hard to let go when I KNOW what a wonderful man he CAN be but chooses not to be. I just want him to CHOOSE to be that man for me. My heart aches when I see him smile. It hurts.

I just want to wake up to this whole thing being a mistake.
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  #12  
April 28th, 2010, 02:46 AM
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Perhaps letting him stay with you is a mistake. Right now, you need some space to give yourself room to breathe...and heal. With him there, it's like reopening the wounds every morning. How can you possibly heal under those circumstances?
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  #13  
April 28th, 2010, 05:21 AM
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I went out with the bf last night to get away from the apartment. I needed to show the ex just what divorce meant. He needed to see and feel that he wasn't going to get things as they used to be. I just came in at 6:15 this morning. I think this will allow us to have some space.
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  #14  
April 30th, 2010, 10:49 AM
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There are so many things to say right now. The ex and I are getting along great, which is nice and horrible at the same time. This is just like when we were married. I wish someone would smack him upside the head for him to see that he has abandonment issues and THAT is why he thinks he needs no one. In the beginning, he clung to me for dear life. Now he has convinced himself that he doesn't need anybody, he's not meant to be with anybody, and that's that. But I see right through him. I see how excited he is when I walk in the door from work. He starts talking about anything and everything. I SEE how happy he is. But the **** man just thinks it's because we are great friends. He doesn't see that friendship is a key to marriage. It's just so frustrating because I KNOW we can be good together. I jus wish he would go to counseling and wake up.

On another note, we are going to get his daughter today. We will have her for the weekend. She hasn't been told about the divorce yet. This will be a horrible weekend for me. The child that I have loved and cared for will be here and I have to learn to step back. It will rip my heart into a million pieces all over again. How do you love a child and then let go?

I just want to work things out with the ex. I want to heal our family. I have made some dumb mistakes during our separation that I am not proud of. I was lonely and looked for attention in all the wrong places. I just wish the ex could see past that and hear me when I apologize for being so stupid. I wish he would go to counseling. God, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
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  #15  
May 1st, 2010, 12:05 AM
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Maaaan, I understand where your coming from! I still have those thoughts! I wish you the very very best and I REALLY hope it works.....I dont know what else to say.

HUGS!
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  #16  
May 1st, 2010, 06:15 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
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He hasn't told her yet. We walked into my apartment last night and she said "yea, this is different." She walked around and asked where her room was. Then she asked where her toys were. This was the perfect time for him to tell her. But he chickened out and didn't. Today is his birthday. He turns 30. Part of me thinks he will hold off until tomorrow so that she won't be mad at him on his birthday. It's cowardly if you ask me. I've been crying so much, yet I have to hide from her so she doesn't see. It's not fair to me.

I could go out but I want to be here when he tells her. I want to see his face and hear what he tells her. I want to see her face as she is told. And then I want to see his face when he has to deal with her reaction. She was so young when I came into her life, she doesn't remember me not being in her life. She's 6.5 now. I don't think she will handle this well at all.

Secretly, I'm hoping by having his "family" together and happy that he will wake up and want to work things out. I guess not so secretly since I wrote it lol. It makes me angry too that something as small as going to counseling, he refuses. He won't do it for me, which kills me that I am worth so little in his eyes, and he doesn't do it for her, which kills me even more. He would rather rip our family apart. I know I shouldn't want a man like that, but I cannot help it. I love him. I wish I had known that the gras always looks greener on the other side. I KNEW it, but didn't really believe it. I shouldn't have started this process. He would have never had the guts to do it himself. We may have been able to work things out.

Dear God, please let this weekend be his wake up call. I beg of You. PLEASE.
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  #17  
May 1st, 2010, 07:12 AM
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Sara, I am so sorry. I wish I could slap him upside his head and make him see what he's thrown away but...unfortunately that is a conclusion that only he can come to on his own and he may never do that. It's so hard when you love someone and they don't love you back or when you see how good things COULD be if only they'd play by your rules. Personally, I think you are torturing yourself by allowing him to stay there. I know part of your reason for doing so is that you're hoping he will come to his senses when he sees you on a daily basis...he may, but it isn't likely. More likely is if he misses you, he may realize what he gave up. And, you can't heal like this.
I really hope he does have a "lightbulb moment" but if he doesn't, you need to heal.
HUGS!!!!
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  #18  
May 2nd, 2010, 09:46 AM
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Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
We fought yesterday. The man is too dense to realize what he is letting go of. It was a lot of pain, but maybe it was what I needed. Maybe this time I can really LET GO of trying to work things out. He's probably moving out on Monday. He can't afford to. I think I can handle him being there now, as long as I don't rearrange my life to accommodate him in any way. I didn't like to go out with the BF while the ex was around, but no more.

This has been rough on the BF too. I've been so confused lately. I ended up leaving my apartment last night and spending the night with the BF and his friends. I will be going back to the apartment for a short time to say goodbye to the ex's daughter. It's amazing how healing someone can be...how much they can remind you that you made the right decision to get divorced.

I do look forward to the apology in the future from the ex. I KNOW that one day he will see what an ***** he was/is and will be sorry for it. It may take another 1 or 2 failed marriages, but I know that it is coming.

Now I just need to move on....with the BF.

It still hurts that it is so completely over, but at least I have the BF to help keep me sane. He helps me keep myself together. Another note on the BF, I tell him I need some space, he asks how much. I tell him we need to slow it down, he says okay. He is so supportive and understanding.

Ever heard the song "According to you"? To me, it says a lot about my relationships. The ex has put me down a lot in the past. But the BF accepts me, medical mess and overweight and all. I tell him I feel pretty when I'm with him. He says "You are pretty. You're beautiful."
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Last edited by QueSeraSara; May 2nd, 2010 at 08:37 PM.
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  #19  
May 8th, 2010, 12:42 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
So the ex got a job and is leaving tomorrow morning. It's sad yet a relief. I can really move on with my life. Of course, he will be back for the rest of his things in a few weeks. I think I am more upset now by being divorced, than by him and I being over. I just never wanted divorce, although who does when they get married.

BF is still wonderful. We've spent time together 3 times this past week. No worrying about what the ex thinks. If he even cares about what he lost...it's not my problem anymore that he's a dumb man. BF and I are going to my family's house for an early mother's day dinner tonight.

Ok, I'm off to go on with my life.
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  #20  
May 16th, 2010, 08:41 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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The ex has a girl that he is texting. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
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