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I am new to this board, not to JM.....I am sorry to say but i wish that i didnt have to be writing this right now and emotions are so high today! me and dh have only been married for almost 2 years and after about 6 months things got really tough, we were fighting like everyday. Now today he walked out on us, me and our 3 beautiful kids.....i am so hurt right now that i dont know what to think or what to say all i have been doing is sitting on the same chair crying....i dropped the kids off at his moms house bc i really dnt want them to see me this way....i dont know what to do or how i am supposed to feel. i gave up all my friends for him and pretty much gave up my family too....my mom absolutely hates him with a passion.....but i still chose to stay with him....now he is mad bc my little sister told my mom that she hates her in front of our daughter and she came home and said the same thing....so now i pretty much have to decide if i want him to come home or if i want to maintain my relationship with my parents and siblings....so what a decision i have to make.....
sorry im rambling right now.....im just so confused and heart broken......
Oh hun I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel in the fact that you gave up everything for your DH. I also did as well, I lost the best friend I ever had and all of my family hate my DH as well but I just ignore it because I wanted to be with him so bad.
Ive learned now that family is the most important thing of all and If it were not for me leaving my DH my family would have probably eventually decided not to be in contact with me because of how my DH is.
Nothing I say is going to make any of this easier for you but it does get easier. Ive been not living with DH for a month tomorrow and in ways I have felt very liberated and I feel like nothing is holding me back anymore. Who knows DH may come around but right now you need to think about you and those 3 adorable kiddos.
Oh sweety I am so sorry. I have been going through an awful ordeal and I don't have any children (we were TTC upon his request) and then he up and told me he wasn't happy anymore & blamed some mistakes I made a long time ago on me. He said he never forgave me after all & didn't want to be with me. Then I find out he's been seeing someone he worked with, then found out he moved her and her CHILDREN in a month after I leave and has a whole group of friends I had never met or never seen.
If I were you, even though I am emotional and upset I would be speaking to an attorney to see about what to do to file a motion to get him removed from the home and making sure he had to keep status quo of bills and financials because of the children. Even if you don't want him gone, I learned the hard way that the longer you wait to try and file that motion, the harder it will be, even if the home is in both of your names. I left due to abuse & tried to file a motion to get him out & there wasn't a real good case for a judge because one reason was I didn't have children. If I had children and didn't want him there or wanted to come back there was a good chance that could have been signed by a judge.
I know you may not even be thinking of that since you probably didn't want him to leave anyway and you may not really be worried about that since he left, but he could come back and he could be a totally different person and want you gone, all of you gone, or want you to leave the children. There is a reason he left & if he did it to all of you now, even if he came back I'd be cautious because who knows what all he could have been doing and getting prepared for this.
He may be going through something and he may come back and you guys may work things out but you're hurting right now. You're scared about the future, you're scared for yourself and your children because of the uncertainty and of course you did not plan for this to happen and never expected to have to explain to your children where daddy was and if daddy never comes back or so on. But what I learned (and it may be just in my experience) but when they are ready to leave (either physically in his case or mentally in my case) they have prepared themselves for the breakdown that we go through, they have already anticipated it and have hardened to it. They are done. They got the chance for years or months to prepare and know how to make it through it and you haven't. That is what you should remember even though emotions are running very wild. Do what you need to do as quickly as you need to (even if it is just getting advice because the divorce stuff can come later, but there are a lot of options that you can do while you are married but since custody, property, and living arrangements are civil agreements, police cannot come take the children from him if he takes them and if he tries to come get everything in your home they can't stop them). I work in law enforcement and that is one reason I am so glad I don't have children because even if you have a custody order from a judge and the parent doesn't abide by it, that does not mean that the police can remove the child. They have to have a pickup order signed by a judge and issued straight to the correct division of the police to go remove a child and you can't claim kidnapping because the children are with their parent & *under normal circumstances* aren't in danger. That is how it works where I live but I would call the police and ask those questions because where I work, if husband or wife don't abide by the custody order they have to go back to court to have something done about it or have to sign and get a judge to sign a pickup order. And since you two are married and living together the police cannot make one of you leave, you would have to be formally evicted from the residence and an eviction would have to be filed and would have to go before a judge. I deal with it all the time so it is heartbreaking.
But just so that you are aware of what can (not saying your area is like that) but that is what can happen so I would be calling and getting a general idea.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's heartbreaking, I know. Right now you're in a state of limbo. You don't know if he is going to come back or not. You don't know if the marriage is over or not. There are a couple of things that I am going to say that may sound harsh but I hope you won't take them that way.
#1-You have 3 beautiful children who need you right now. They're going to be confused by this situation and want to know where daddy is and why he isn't coming home...don't make them ask Grandma. I know taking care of them seems overwhelming right now but they need you right now and YOU NEED THEM! If you leave them at his mother's house for too long, it's going to look like you've abandoned them and if he does file for divorce, he will also file for custody and he may get it! After all, he can have his mother watch them while he's at work and you can't claim she isn't good enough to do so because YOU left them with her yourself! So get your babies back home where they belong. If they ask why you're sad, TELL THEM! Mommy is sad because she misses daddy. They also need to know it's ok to be sad because THEY miss him.
#2 Men don't leave just for a "break". They leave because they aren't happy or they see something else that looks better. So either he is going through something right now that is making him unhappy and he needs some time alone--in which case give it to him and let him know when he needs you, you'll be there--or it's the marriage itself which is making him unhappy--in which case see if he will consider counseling. If the marriage is the problem, it doesn't mean it HAS to end. You two have 3 children who depend on you and if there is any way to save it, you owe it to yourselves and to them to try. Give him some time and then ask him if he wants to try counseling. If he left because he "saw something that looked better"--good riddance! You deserve better than that!
#3 You said that you fight constantly. As someone who spent 22 years in a marriage like that, I have to ask if that is really what you want or if it's that you're just frightened of trying to make it on your own--which was me. I also gave up all of my friends, although not my family. For 22 years I was alone with the exception of my mother but he did manage to move me 2500 miles away from her so that the only contact I had was by phone and on vacations. That is a form of control. NO ONE should ever try to keep you from having friends and family. When you marry someone, ideally you gain family. With someone who is controlling, they see that as too much of a threat so they alienate you by either moving you away (such as my case) or by causing problems that keep you at odds with them and make it hard to maintain relationships. Either way, it isn't fair to you. If you do try to save the marriage 3 things need to happen. Your family needs to keep their opinions to themselves about him and he needs to allow you basic freedoms and the most important is that YOU need to STOP "giving up" people for him! He doesn't have to like your friends any more than they have to like him. BUT he does need to let you have your own friends and make your own decisions. We're not in the 1800's now...women have rights! We're not property!
I know right now you're hurting and it seems as though your whole world just crumbled down around your shoulders. I wish I could reach right through the screen and give you a hug and tell you it's going to be alright. This is a turning point in your life. Right now you don't know how big a turn it is but the one thing you do not want is for it to be a 360 degree turn that puts you right back where you were before this happened--that does nothing for either of you. Make SOMETHING good come out of this whether it's making your marriage better or finding that you do have the strength to make it on your own. (which, believe it or not, you do) Work on yourself. Focus on you and your babies. Figure out what is missing in your life and find it again. Take some classes, see a counselor, do something for YOU!
Hope that helps. HUGS!!!
Thank you all for commenting.....Last night me and Brandon met and had dinner to talk, we hadnt seen each other or talked in several hours so emotions were calm....All at once he broke down and said "babe im sorry." Of course I didnt give into him right away nor did i believe what he was about to tell me.....All of his anger and hurt was not bc of me or the kids....His gpa has been in the hospital and yesterday when he was there the doc came in and said "im so sorry to say this, but at this point there is nothing that we can do to help him, his body is deteriating (sp?)......" Now they are thinking that he has a blood disease and its affected his brain and they are giving him 72 hours.....On top of that his mom went back to the heart doc, her heart is "off beat" and when she went in her blood pressure was way high....They have been tracking it for couple weeks and still it is approx. 211/123 each time she goes, and that is with bp meds....Long story short, he has a lot on his plate right now....Its still not right for what he did or the things that he said....We are still not fine but working on it is the best that can happen right now...